Actually (yes, I’m actuallying Alice Cooper), the song does say school’s out forever, as well as being blown to pieces. And why is David Duchovny’s daughter hanging out with Alice Cooper?

I used to have some ad from some magazine for some stereo equipment on my wall that featured Alice with his mother. He’s a ringer for that woman, he is.

(Source: tampire, via jenstansfield)

Superman Unchained #8


Eight issues in and I still don’t fucking understand the title of this comic book.

What the fuck is happening on this cover? Is Superman doing the Ubangi Stomp on the moon while Wraith attempts a forward flip in the weightless environment having forgotten that it’s also a vacuum so his blood is exploding out of his skin? And why is Wraith naked? What just happened here?! If I were Jim Lee, I would have signed Dan Jurgen’s name to this cover. Jim Lee has the power to do that, right? Doesn’t he run the art department at DC? He must be doing something other than drawing since it takes him two to three months to finish an issue of Superman Unchained. Perhaps it takes longer than I realize to scribble inside all of the faces he draws.

Another fun fact to be noted: Superman’s eyes are, of course, glowing red. Seems to be standard DC policy whenever Superman appears on a cover. When the fuck did he become Cyclops with no control over his laser vision? Somebody needs to get this asshole some kryptonite shades before he burns the fuck out of everything.

I don’t even remember what the fuck was happening last issue and I just reread my commentary on it last night. I think Superman had just humiliated General Sam Lane which completely made Lois ruin her underwear because that’s how you convince women to marry you, right? You make their father’s appear like dickless assholes thus supplanting their position as number one male in the daughter’s life. Right? Am I wrong on this?!

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What’s the main difference between a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and a piece of toilet paper he used to wipe his ass? He’s getting paid for the comic book.

"Can you imagine if comic books were realistic? Batman would have died from a gunshot wound after about three or four issues, maybe even sooner. Baby Superman would have starved or asphyxiated out in space in a day or so after being launched from Krypton. Aquaman would have huge gills on the sides of his neck and a huge, disgusting fish mouth. Wonder Woman would have one breast and constantly be kicking Batman’s ass. The Flash would have practically disintegrated himself the first time he ran at super speed if he didn’t hit a wall first. Hal Jordan would have contracted an alien STD from fucking the corpse of Abin Sur that he found in the desert. Those are just a few of the things that would happen if comic writers thought rationally and realistically about the characters."

— Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, Grandmaster Comic Book Reader

Futures End: Batgirl #1



Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.


And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea!

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Fuckity kinderen, rights? One fing peeps still feel like doin’ in The Dusty Streches be each ovver. So kinderen ain’t never in short supplies, feels it? But not allsa you alls wants em, sees? Dat’s why no-go places like Upper Kinder Camp extanted demselves, sees? Abandoned kinderen what never knowed love and onny ever knowed want? Dose em da mos’ dangerous peeps in The Dusty Stretches, believe. They ain’t never known civilization. Dey jess knowed hunger and thirst and loneliness and need need need. Unfulfilled desires am dere language since dey mos’ly never been taught anuvver. Da older kinderen, da ones what run dem nightscare places like Upper Kinder Camp…dey make goodgood koku takin’ peeps unwanteds und bringin’ dem out ta Upper Kinder Camp heres outsides Old York, or Death Carousel outside of Portantland up norf, or Dick Scary’s Busytown jess outside Reading City. Dese places…dey ain’t fer us, sees? Dey ain’t never been fer nobody but kinderen born ta be monsters frough no fuckity fault a their own. Jess careless, senseless, selfish pricks dat jess wanted ta fuck und soon got stuck mit responsibilities dey ain’t wanted. Upper Kinder Camp und places like it…dey might be deaftraps, fer sures. But dey also might hold somefin mos’ us lost long time back. Fer da brave, und da compassionate, und dose what wants a new way in no way similar ta da mess what come afore und turned everting inta dust…dose places might hold hope.

Futures End: Batman #1



Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.


And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea!

Read More

Time ain’t fucking mutable, no ways. Da onny fuckin’ time what matters am da present. Forget da past acause it ain’t got nuttin’ in it fer ya. It be like a bottomless ocean what ya keep fucking droppin’ ya shit inta dat ya cain’t never gonna git back. And da future ain’t no fuckin’ infinite branches. Speckalation on da future gots infinite branches, sees it? I cans sits here und fink, “Goddess, I amma gonna git me a BMW tomorrows, ya bets it! No, no! Mayhaps I’m gonna git me two Lotusers, sees it? Pay some lower voices ta crash ‘em up head ons whilst Goggs watches und sips somma dat fuckin’ midori sours she finded in dis here limo, sees it? No waits! Mayhaps Old Goggs jess gonna find some cute little fucker mit a big fat cock and ride dat fing til she sore. Oh yeah! Dat da future gonna happens!” Sees it? Looks like Goggs got lottalotta choices, ja? But guess whats? Come dis time amorrow, onny one dem fings gonna haff happened. Und it pobably be somefing altogetter diff’rent, evens. Cause da future ain’t some future where ever single fing possible be happenin’. Da future jess more fucking ocean what we haven’t seens yet but we gonna see it soon and we gonna lose more shit in it. Ever single day, lose more shit, right updown til da day ya jess sink yoself right down ta da fucking bottom where noduster never gonna pay ya anudder fought ever ‘gain. Fucking infinite branches, my cunt. Grow da fuck up.

Nuvver fing dat we thunked ‘bout in da Formertimes was how da world gonna ends, ja? Nukular war. Pandanomics. Zombies. Bioterrorshow. Not a nightscare we couldna dream up finkin’ bout how dis here world gonna corpse it. Und den what da fuck goes und happens? Big surprise ta alla us, yeah? Dat fing we nows refer ta as da General Breakdown. Simple as all dat. Enuff peeps acided dey damn tired a followin’ dem laws put forth by dem egotistical sons bitches runnin’ fings und dey said, “Nope.” Jess ‘nuff peeps had to say “Nope” und it jess fuckin’ fell apart. Sum poets once fink how da world gonna end, sees it? Fires? Ices? Ha, little he knowed it, right? World gonna end in “nope.”

Tags: flobadob

buckybarneswho:

Let’s be honest everyone would rather watch a Black Widow movie than antman

This isn’t really saying much for Black Widow. I’d rather watch Lockjaw lick his butthole for three hours than go see an Antman movie.

(via distractedbyshinyobjects)