Maybe the problem is that now Howard Mackie is co-scripting with Tom DeFalco! So, would you like a side of shitslaw with your shitribs?

Justice League Dark #33


I thought this said “In the grip of the goose!” up until I scanned it.

Remember last issue when Zatanna quoted that great poet with the line, “Limitation isn’t an impossible invitation, it’s a delicious cookie”? The reason she didn’t attribute it like she should have is because the quote was from J.M. DeMatteis himself. This is where a lesser blogger or one of Scott Lobdell’s characters would say, “That’s so meta!” But it’s where I say, “What a fucking egotistical bastard! Quoting himself? Who fucking does that?!”

I can’t wait to find out who this Goose character is!

This issue begins with Swamp Thing playing chess against John Constantine and Deadman theorizing about me.


That’s so meta!

Deadman questions why Zatanna has feelings for John Constantine as Zatanna looks at old family photographs with the answer to that question.


Daddy issues!

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Justice League Dark #33 Mini-Review

Justice League Dark #33 Rating: No change. The main thing I dislike about this book is all the commentary between members of the gang about the situations they’re in and the dangers they’re facing. I already pointed out Zatanna’s discussion of the thought-forms and the mind so vast, and the individual projections, but there are so many more moments of clunky, explanatory dialogue that doesn’t really explain anything nor does it seem to have a purpose other than to have characters speak. So at one point we get “the spells originated here—in the ruins of Nanda Parbat? Here…and not here.” Profound! Then there’s the hole in space-time that keeps shifting around them but it doesn’t cause them any trouble and they enter and follow Boston with no consequences (okay, Swamp Thing gets cut in two. But that’s not really a consequence when he just regenerates his body and nobody really comments on it except Swamp Thing himself). There’s the battle against the “embodied spells” which are “living enchantments” that seem like maybe they’ll be some kind of serious threat until Zatanna just dissolves them with one quick spell. It just seems like DeMatteis peppers this book with all sorts of exclamations by the characters about how magicky and super magicky everything is but none of the dialogue matters or means anything in particular. It’s all just too much mustard smeared on a sandwich already covered in a disgusting amount of mayonnaise. And you figure, “Well, I already paid for it!” So you bite into it and suddenly realize that the mayo isn’t mayo at all but J.M.’s love sauce! Not that I have anything particularly against people enjoying other people’s love sauces! It’s just I’d rather not be surprised by it, you know?

Justice League Dark are now battling to not exist as the Between erodes their identities and slowly erases them from reality. Why fight it? Just let nonexistence wash over you! Let it embrace you. As the great poet Dylan Thomas wrote, “[G]o gentle into that good night.” That’s good advice!

Does it seem like Justice League Dark fights more amongst themselves than against other foes? Well they’re doing it again! Luckily it doesn’t last long before Constantine ends the fight by making all of their lives worse. He winds up trapping them all back in the Between. That’s where stray thoughts go to not exist anymore. Or to both exist and not exist. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t know what it is! It’s some kind of philosophical lint trap! And who am I to discuss philosophical topics when I dropped out of The Philosophy of Science after one day in the class because I realized I can’t fucking stand wannabe philosophers. The whole first class was spent discussing whether or not what we see through the window is actually what’s through the window. “Why don’t you fucking jump out of it?” I muttered under my breath and began doodling penises and vaginas on my binder.

All Star Western #33


"Painting the town dead" is a play on the phrase "Painting the town for the low, low cost of $100."

I’ve generally stayed away from reblogging non-comic book related things on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. And I’ll mostly keep it that way on the Blogspot version. But I figure it’s time to embrace the tumblr part of tessatechaitea.tumblr.com! I constantly see blog posts that I think are fucking idiotic and simple-minded and don’t respond. But I’ve held my piece for too long! Unless the phrase is “held my peace!” But I think it’s “held my piece” as in “holstering my gun” meaning that I have refused to shoot idiots in the face for far too long now. It’s time to go to war because I’ve stopped holding my peace! Draw, motherfuckers!

I think I might be letting Jonah Hex get to my head a little bit. Whenever I watch or read a Western, I immediately want to go out and find somebody that I can pretend is breaking the law just so I can bring them to imaginary justice. Mostly I just hide behind a wall and say, “Stop, ya varmint!” Then I run away as fast as I can while high-fiving myself for a job well done. But it’s time to step up my game! Next time I see some punk doing something that, if I squint just right, I can imagine is horrendous, I’ll yell, “Reap the whirlwind, misfit!” And then I won’t run away at all! I’ll just glare at them as they point at themselves, then look over their shoulder to see if I might be talking about somebody else, then look back at me confused, shrug, and walk away. Justice!

This issue begins with Tallulah and Jonah tied up and captured by brigands! Unless they’re bandits. Maybe they’re just thoroughly despicable rakes. Anyway, I think Jonah might actually die in this story! It would be okay if he did, seeing as how he is a stranger in a strange time and there’s an alternate (perhaps more real?) version of himself already living in this Old West. It would be quite the exciting way for All Star Western to end! I’m a huge fan of stories where the main character is killed in the end. That’s why I like the New Testament so much.

I wish Quentin Tarantino would make a version of The Greatest Story Ever Told. Except where would he fit in the word “nigger”?

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Why would I listen to this dollar bill when it can’t even spell television properly? Take your pedantic currency elsewhere, dollar!

Why would I listen to this dollar bill when it can’t even spell television properly? Take your pedantic currency elsewhere, dollar!

(Source: antinwo, via insidious-effects-of-life)

All Star Western #32 Mini-Review

All Star Western #32 Rating: No change. I thoroughly enjoy this book just about every month and would make it the #1 ranked comic book if I could! But I can’t because the math behind the rankings can’t just be fudged for one book without completely collapsing the underlying equation that keeps the rest of the New 52 sorted! So just understand while this might not be the best book of The New 52, it is definitely my current favorite. It wins the Tess’s Pick Award for Outstanding Amorality and Shoot Em Up Bang Bang Times!

Welcome to
FUCKYOU
Population: None of your Gotdamn Business.

I have a sure fire way of getting people to instantly question their own beliefs! It might take a little effort but isn’t it worth it to stop your sibling from believing some stupid shit that you totally don’t believe and think that everybody else should believe as well?

Here’s what you do! The person whose mind you want to change probably severely dislikes certain types of people. Maybe they hate liberals or dirty hippies or business men in three piece suits or Jews. You’ll want to hire a few people belonging to the group that your antagonist hates and make sure they’ll be at a table in a cafe or restaurant that you and your antagonist can sit next to. Then you have them loudly discuss the subject that you and your antagonist have been discussing. Make sure you’ve paid your actors enough so they don’t fuck it all up though! So the actors should be speaking in general terms without defending either side of the argument. Your antagonist will probably assume they’re going to be on your side of the argument and roll his eyes and maybe make jerk-off motions as he eavesdrops. That’s when your actors should start vehemently supporting his side! They should be rabid in their support of the subject! They should make claims that your antagonist has made but with even more passion and certainty! Then the actors should just quiet down and change the subject or just get the fuck out or whatever. Then you don’t even mention it. Don’t continue talking about the subject. Just ignore it. If your antagonist wants to bring it up, just hand wave the suggestion away and begin looking at the menu. You’ve now got your antagonist wondering why the fuck he agrees with the dirtbags that just left! He’ll question and explore his reasons for believing what he believes because it’s too horrible to think that they think the same way that he does! The next time your antagonist brings up the discussion, play a little middle of the road. Ease your antagonist along slowly. Maybe touch your antagonist’s hand lightly and say, “It’s a complicated matter.” If eventually your antagonist continues to believe the same thing your antagonist has always believed, you should just stab your antagonist in the throat and be done with the matter.