Let me guess! Conan calls Groo a Mulcher and a Mendicant before stealing his cheese dip. Then somebody sends in a letter asking what the blue thing is.

Let me guess! Conan calls Groo a Mulcher and a Mendicant before stealing his cheese dip. Then somebody sends in a letter asking what the blue thing is.

Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn’t called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara’s super farts. That’s why she’s holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I’d have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn’t being written by your best friend’s father!

This issue doesn’t begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don’t think it’s actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

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"The first chapter of Last Sun was entitled “Assimilation.” That means chapter two should probably be called something other than “Assimilation.” But it isn’t. It isn’t at all called something different. Chapter Two, and here’s the twist that the smarter readers may have already seen coming, is called “Assimilation.” I don’t actually think both chapters were called “Assimilation” though. I just think whoever has been in charge of the Doomed! title pages over the last few issues doesn’t have a job in comics anymore."

— Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, Grandmaster Comic Book Reader

Infinity Man and the Forever Making Fornication Jokes People #3

Oh yeah! Touch that box, you New Genesissians! Touch it hard! I mean gently! Whichever way mothers like their boxes touched best! Not that I don’t know. I totally know! But I probably shouldn’t say for some secret reason having to do with thinking about the children. Not that I think about children while touching women’s secret areas!

People constantly say (at the expense of saying things like, “How was your day?” or “I hope you’re happy” or “Do you want to get naked with me?”) that when you get to the end of your life, it’s not the things you did but the things you didn’t do that you’ll regret. Can anybody ever say anything more depressing?! There’s only so much time to do shit during your life! When you’re old and gray and sitting in a comfy chair eating chocolate covered chocolate to your heart’s content, you’re going to regret a lot of fucking shit because you’ll inevitably have done less stuff than you didn’t do! You’ll sit there crying all over your smudgy, sticky clothes thinking, “Boy! I wish I hadn’t spent so much time doing that one thing I loved when I could have been doing that other thing I think I would have really liked a lot!” You’ll also stare at your spouse sitting across from you with chocolate smeared all over your spouse’s face and think, “Why did I spend all those years loving just this one person? It was so great but wouldn’t it have been better if I’d loved, like, six people just as much?! At least I could have ended up with a spouse that kept out of my fucking chocolate.” Then you’ll die and cease to exist and you won’t regret all that time you spent regretting stuff because you don’t fucking exist. Aren’t you paying attention? It’s like I’m writing for five year olds!

No wait. It’s like I’m writing like a five year old. Sorry!

The words “infinity” and “forever” suck because they make me think how my life is “definite” and “terminal.” Also the word “people” isn’t that great either because fuck other people. Right in the face! You know, if they’ll let you. You don’t want to regret not having fucked people in the face when you’re at the end of your life. Because, believe me, it’s pretty awesome.

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I read this review on a smartphone.

Bride of Satan!

Batman Eternal #20

Last issue, we discovered that Brainiac was behind the framing of Jim Gordon. Also, The Spectre’s gang were busy invading Terrifitech while Batgirl, Red Hood, and Batwoman were infiltrating Cadmus Island. Lois Lane and Vicki Vale were investigating people that just wanted to be left alone so that they could advance their careers at the expense of the privacy of others. And I think Alfred might have been behind the recent uptick in Icarus use. I think I might also be reading too many comic books.

Batgirl remembering that criminals are a cowardly lot and taking on the role of the scary half of her name. Hmm, that joke is too obvious and sexist to finish. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand being called, it’s obvious.

Beneath Gotham, the Ten-Eyed Man stands around pointing his fingers at things and raving like anybody else that had their optic nerves rewired to their fingertips. Where did the surgeon get the extra optic cabling to cover that distance? Monoprice.com? The Ten-Eyed Man’s entire plan is to sacrifice Killer Croc’s young friend to open a portal so that he can see the face of something or other. I guess having eyes at the ends of each of your fingers isn’t exactly a power that makes you a threat to anybody, so he had to be given some kind of mystic hoodoo power. Once Batman stops the ritual by keeping Jade from entering the portal, the entire cavern begins to collapse. Because if it didn’t, how else do you play out the denouement of a failed evil ritual? At this point, nobody would believe the ritual was interrupted if things didn’t begin to collapse. I’m glad every time I stop doing a chore halfway through because I don’t want to spend any more time on it, my apartment doesn’t fall in on itself. Buildings and caverns are so sensitive in fiction!

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Futures End #16

Brainiac can’t be The Cancelator! That would be too boring and then all the people that always take the safest bets would have guessed the Futures End antagonist correctly. I hate those people, always playing it safe and never betting on 100 to 1 long shots and always saving their money for retirement and having goals and plans! Show off jerkos!

Last night, my Shuffle’s Volume Up button decided it didn’t want to work anymore. Which meant that if I want to hear Electric Six at a volume that doesn’t destroy my ear drums, I’ll never again be able to hear another song by Simon and Garfunkel. What was even worse was that my Shuffle decided that if the Volume Up button might perhaps work better as a secondary Volume Down button. So pretty soon I was listening to my music at no volume at all. Which isn’t as great as you might think. All I could do is look at the screen and think, “Yeah, that song would be nice to hear right now.”

I was, at least, able to set the Shuffle back to factory settings which raised the volume back up to the midway point. Once I get a new Shuffle, I suppose I could sell this one to a family that cares about their child’s hearing.

Maybe my Shuffle was infected with the Skeets Virus?! See that? Now I can go right into talking about Futures End without some kind of awkward, stumbling segue.

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"Gene Roddenberry named many of the episodes of the first season of Star Trek after his favorite gay bars: ‘The Man Trap’, ‘Charlie “X”’, ‘Where No Man Has Gone Before’, ‘The Naked Time’, ‘The Enemy Within’, ‘Mudd’s Women’, ‘What are Little Girls Made of’, ‘The Menagerie’, ‘Shore Leave’, ‘Arena’, ‘Court Martial’, ‘Space Seed’, ‘This Side of Paradise’, ‘A Taste of Armageddon’, ‘The Devil in the Dark’, ‘The Alternative Factor’, and ‘The City on the Edge of Forever’. The ones I didn’t list were probably gay bars too."

— "Lyle’s Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs," Grunion Guy

Harley Quinn #9

Thank God for the Selfie! Now people can take pictures of the only thing that really matters to them!

I’ve never done a “Why I Need Feminsism!” post, so why don’t we do that now?! It might not be a good idea because the main reason I need feminism is because my reasons for needing feminism will probably piss off feminists. Mostly because I’m a smart ass shit stirring asshole and love to poke hornet nests for my own amusement. But isn’t that what feminism is all about? Being allowed to be yourself? I don’t mean being allowed to be yourself if you’re a rapey, murdery, child molesting, dog fucker. I just mean being allowed to have your own beliefs and ideals and goals and facetious sense of humor, even if a joke is occasionally at the expense of someone other than a white heterosexual male. That’s feminism! Everybody being treated just like white, heterosexual males are treated in our society, right? Something like that! Feminism definitely isn’t forcing everybody to be something they’re not just so other people don’t wind up with hurt feelings. I’m horrible at expressing ideas because I constantly have to keep knocking down those ideas so as not to sound too serious, especially if a dick joke presents itself. I should probably work on making more vagina jokes too because, you know, feminism! Anyway, how about I let John Steinbeck speak for me with one of my favorite quotes (from East of Eden) about feminism and why I need it:

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.

I especially like the part about the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected, because have you read some of my rambling, incoherent thoughts on things?

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