I can’t believe Constantine won’t be allowed to smoke in his new show on NBC. I bet he doesn’t get to say “cunt” either. Lame.
I should probably wait to do this commentary after Constantine airs this Friday but it was next in my stack and who am I to argue with The Stack? Somebody probably organized these comic books to be read in the most entertaining order. Or somebody just pulled them out of a paper sack and shoved them in a drawer. Who can remember what somebody was thinking two weeks ago?
I always think of my past self as some other person. It makes it easier to deny responsibility for all of those horrible things I did as a teenager.
I bet if I had psoriasis, I’d never get anything done. The skin under my sideburns is patchy and flaky right now and I just spent the last fifteen minutes carefully picking flakes out of my sideburn and carefully examining each one’s size and texture. Nothing compares to the feeling of slowly pulling a flake of skin from one’s scalp (or cheek or whatever!), being careful so it doesn’t break apart as you drag it through your hair, admiring it’s size, and then, if it’s big and beautiful, weirdly keeping it on the windowsill near your shaving mirror for months. That may or may not have been a favorite hobby of mine in junior high.
That previous paragraph was all just speculative fiction for your enjoyment. I never really did any of that! Ha! Ha ha! Heh heh. Yeah.
The tombstone should read “Husband/Father/Hero.” Of course Bruce was somebody’s son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!
This issue begins like it’s trying to be Worlds’ Finest because Worlds’ Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World’s End, it seems like Worlds’ Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!
For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena’s past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it’s all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn’t it when Earth-2’s history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!
"You know how many holes I made while growing up? No, not to fuck! Just digging around in the backyard thinking that I’d find some kind of long, lost treasure! I don’t have an accurate tally but it was a lot of holes. Granted, my backyard was the size of two normal house lots so I had a lot of places to search. One time as I was digging, I dug up a strange, acorn looking thing. I prodded it with the blade of the shovel and the blade sliced right through it. It began oozing pinkish goo. I completely freaked out, buried it quickly with my shovel, and ran off with my skin crawling. I think it was the gestation pod for a Predator and I probably saved Earth!"
— Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, Grandmaster Hole Digger
Dear Diary, eat your heart out!
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I’ve got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I’m not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn’t give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he’s dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, “No more secrets.” Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn’t be reading this, “BW” is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the “M” looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!
So here’s the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia’s place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn’t see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia’s Scrabble buddy! So now I’m living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy’s name! I think she’s a skank too! In fact, I’m counting on it! LOL!
"Batgirl #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. It’s nice to see somebody in Gotham treating a mentally ill person as if they need treatment more than a broken jaw and a jail cell. I guess Batman doesn’t have time to care why people are running around in clown make-up murdering other people. He just knows he didn’t choose that life and they did, so they deserve what they get. It’s also nice to see Barbara moving past her anger and hurt and self-doubt. Go get a studio apartment in New York and hit the clubs, girl. You and Alysia need to fuck your way right through that town!"
— Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, Grandmaster Comic Book Reader
"I probably shouldn’t objectify a fictional character, especially since I don’t know how old she is. She isn’t under eighteen, is she? She doesn’t look like she is although you can never tell how old a character is because comic book artists are wildly inaccurate at portraying age. If David Finch were drawing this comic, I might think that Batgirl and her friends were still in middle school. If Chris Burnham were drawing this comic, I might suspect every character had had sub-dermal yogurt injections. If Rob Liefeld were drawing this comic, I’d probably consider seeking out a professional attorney and pursue a fraud lawsuit against him and DC. I may not be able to define “art” but I know it when I see it!"
— Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, Grandmaster Comic Book Reader
This might be my secret origin. It was bad enough that I had to read Ann Nocenti while writing a character I never cared about, Green Arrow. When DC saw just how awful her Green Arrow stories were, they thought, “Gee! Maybe we can get Ann to ruin Catwoman as well!” And Catwoman fans spent the next two years learning how to shoot heroin because something had to dull the pain. Meanwhile, I sat by and laughed and laughed and poked fun at the horrible plots and crazy characterizations of other people’s favorite comic book characters. I sat back and I pointed and I laughed and I pretended to feel sorry for Catwoman fans but I was having so much fun commenting on Ann Nocenti’s strange turns of phrase and inexplicable characters that I never gave a thought to the ruin Nocenti was bringing down upon the Green Arrow and Catwoman fandoms. And then I heard Nocenti was going to be writing Katana. That’s when I stopped laughing. Not Katana! She had finally extricated herself from that bowel movement that was Swierczynski’s Birds of Prey and I was full of hope about her future! One of my favorite characters since I first began reading comic books was suddenly under attack! Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed so hard at other people’s misfortunes, I thought, uncharacteristically, to myself. Perhaps I should have empathized with their pain and took action to stop this insufferable writer from ruining everybody’s good time! But I did not. And so I suffered as the others suffered. Thankfully, Ann Nocenti’s Katana did not last long and she went back to exclusively destroying Catwo-man. It was sad but everybody was numb to that travesty by this time (thanks, in large part, to the heroin). And then good news! Catwoman was getting a new creative team! The internet shook with the sighs of the relieved. Rehab centers overflowed as Catwoman fans rushed to get off the dope so that they could experience the new Catwoman with their full ability to feel! Celebrations were celebrated! DC Comics was free of Ann Nocenti!
Except one person still needed to be punished. One supposed fan had sinned a sin greater than Judas Iscariot’s! One DC Comics lover had sat back and laughed while Ann Nocenti to work her terrible black magic on other people’s favorite characters. Comic book Jesus looked down and shook his majestic lion head and said, “Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Your sins are unforgivable. You shall be punished greatly.” The next day, comic book news sites were reporting that Ann Nocenti would be taking over her next project: Klarion the Witchboy.
Is The Huntress going to recognize Replacement Grandfather?
World’s End begins with Alan Scott getting all of his facts wrong. He thinks that the DC Multiverse consists of an infinite amount of Earths created by every single decision that every single person makes on a daily basis. The reality of the DC Multiverse is that the only actions that mattered were the ones by Mr. Mind and they all had to do with his diet. Except I think everything is different now because Superboy punched reality and then Flash went back in time to keep his mom alive and then Pandora opened her box and Wildstorm lost their lease and had to move in with Vertigo but Vertigo was having problems too and had to let some people go and so they all crowded into Batman’s house and that’s why there are only 52 Universes in the DC Universe. Plus there’s whatever dimension Darkseid lives in. And there are all the other universes that are alternate futures of the current 52 universes. Plus a lot of pocket dimensions created by crap writers like you know who and the other one.
Fuck it. Maybe Alan Scott is right! DC has never had a very good handle on their multiverses!
This issue is very creatively called “Apokolips Now.” I’m sure that’s never been used before. I wish I had the creative genius to have come up with that title! I would have probably called this issue “Tales From The Darkseid” or “Parademons Beats Paradise.”
Catwoman’s grip is a little too high.
I forget who the new, crazy receptionist is over at Arkham Asylum but she doesn’t know how to use a chair. Which is a good thing because she’s super sexy sitting on the floor with her business casual skuit (is that the proper name for a skirt suit?) that she shrunk in the laundry. Unless she’s wearing a Halloween costume: Sexy Receptionist! I hope Batman fights her later. In a hot tub.
Underneath Arkham are some strange looking inmates that are probably trying to escape from The Joker’s Daughter and/or Maxie Zeus’s reign of insanity. Oh, I should have said “insane reign!”
These inmates are Coughtopus, The Rude Dinner Guest, and Speckles.