Oh. So we’re really not done with Man-Bat stories yet?
Man-bat must really speak to writers. Do they see the name and think, “Whoa! That’s like Batman in reverse! I bet I can write a story that compares Man-Bat’s twisted sense of right and wrong with Batman’s sense of right and wrong which will cause the reader to question how the two character’s methods are really any different! Is Batman really a caring guy or is he, like Man-Bat, simply a monster of the night? Or this could wind up being a love story. I hope, at the very least, Batman acknowledges how stupid the character of Man-Bat is. I bet Alfred will make some kind of cutting remark that sounds like he’s making fun of Man-Bat but he’s secretly criticizing his boss! That will be so funny that I am laughing about it already.
Once again, Gotham’s streets are littered with dead people drained of blood with bat teeth marks all over them. The first person Batman questions is Dr. Kirk Langstrom because that idiot created this formula that is causing dozens of people to lose their fight with sudden non-existence.
I’ve been saying Barry Allen desperately wants a man inside of him.
Last issue, The Flash was attacked by a ghost of a Gold Rush miner that was definitely a ghost and not an old white real estate speculator in a stupid mask. He had been investigating the Broome Hill Butcher case which the Central City Police believed they had solved years ago. It turns out they didn’t. It also turns out investigating cold cases involves a lot more digging up of graves than I realized.
The issue begins with The Flash already possessed by Deadman. He must have arrived just in time to keep the 49er Ghost from possessing him itself. Or killing him. I don’t know how it works when a ghost attacks you being that I’ve never been attacked by a ghost. Although I have seen movies that desperately want to be seen as portraying real life events of hauntings and possessions. I hate those movies. America is already full of gullible people believing in some kind of afterlife and now they think they have proof of the existence of ghosts because they’ve seen Paranormal Activity I-IV. You know, I saw Poltergeist as a kid and I didn’t think it was based on a true story. Even if they had advertised it as such, I wouldn’t have believed it! I mean, obviously the curse of the mummy is true. But ghosts? So silly!
"The Flash #27 Rating: In conclusion, I think it is a shame that society teaches men that they must be a certain manlike way because being manlike is not really a thing but a construct enforced on men by the patriarchal attitudes of our fathers and mothers that have come before us. If we were allowed to be whom we want to be than people would not have to make difficult mind journeys to work through the issues that society has projected onto us. Unless making a heroic journey is important to becoming men and women but I don’t think that at all. We should all be allowed to be the person we think we want to be and not be told different. That makes me think I should apologize to Wallace Freemantle for calling him a spaz and a dweeb because that was me acting like society and trying to make him be something he is not by teasing him until he stops being himself. I am very glad I wrote this papre because I have learned a think or two."
— Scott Hornblecker, Pop Culture Project 5A for Mrs. Dunlop’s class
What kind of quack doctor would save a guy’s life after being hit by a semi-truck and choose to do plastic surgery on a facial wound that was obviously long past healed and scarred over? I bet Hex gets billed for it too.
I’m disappointed that Moritat’s name isn’t on the cover. I’m also disappointed that I’ve heard this book has been cancelled. Hell, I’m actually surprised it survived this long. It’s been a fun book with one of the most interesting characters of The New 52’s launch. I can still hope that Gray and Palmiotti eventually write the novel, Face Full of Violence
by Amadeus Arkham.
The EMTs that found Hex at the scene of the crash believe that the accident took off half his face, so they call ahead to have a reconstruction specialist waiting at the hospital. That’s all well and good because Hex’s face is probably covered in blood and road rash. But if a specialist takes a look at that mess, he’s going to notice all the scarring and healed over bits mixed in with the new scrapes and contusions. Although my only medical experience is playing Operation and I never took a turn where I had to reconstruct the guy’s face. Although his nose really seemed inflamed. With that and all the weird shit in the guy’s body, he must have been an alcoholic circus geek.
Hex winds up in a coma but not before he gets a new face put on! Meanwhile Gina comes to visit him every day for a month hoping that he’ll get better. At least she has all the treasure they dug up to pay for her new life in Metropolis. And probably the medical bills. I doubt Hex has insurance.
Ha ha! Throw the book at him! Throw all the books at him!
This cover makes it look like Kid Flash is being sentenced to an all teeth blow job. Get the fuck up, Solstice! Don’t let Brett Booth take away your dignity by drawing you in this position where you’re desperately holding on to your man as he’s sentenced to every life ever in prison. How come he gets to stand tall and defiant while you gnash your teeth and rend your imaginary garments at the injustice of future justice? Also, why don’t you get to wear any clothes? And what happened to Skitters? And why is Wonder Girl being written to fall for Superboy when he tried to kill her earlier? And why is Raven being characterized as a conniving dick?
Although the men aren’t getting off much better. Tim Drake is a selfish, arrogant asshole that won’t even let his teammates know who he is. He says it’s to protect Batman’s identity but Batman isn’t really trying too hard to keep that secret himself. I think he just knows that one day he’s going to betray them all by becoming a mastermind vampire from the future and he doesn’t want any of them knowing his secrets. Superboy was killed off an replaced by an, if you can imagine it, even worse character. Kid Flash has been so annoying that I don’t even care if he’s killed off. At least Bunker escaped this mess. Maybe that’s why Skitters left so early. It wasn’t that she was useless; it’s that she had some motherfucking pride. Good for her!
Only four issues left until I don’t have to read this garbage anymore!
My new goal in life is to take over the writing job on Catwoman.
For one brief second, I thought about replacing my commentary for this comic book with a big picture of a pile of dog shit. But then I thought that would be cruel to the people that read this blog. They probably see enough poop when they Google Image Search for anything with SafeSearch off.
Person X types “Ash Misty Brock Hugging” into Google Image Search. Pictures of Ash and Misty. Pictures of Brock and Misty. Naked pictures of Misty on Brock’s face. Naked pictures of Team Rocket fucking Psyduck and Meowth. Hardcore pictures of Professor Oak fucking Ash’s mom in the mouth while sucking off Charizard. Picture of Pikachu pooping.
Person X was me in that last paragraph! Does Google Image Search work this way for anybody else? I wonder if I fucked up my settings. Are there boxes you can tick for “hardcore Pokemon porn” and “Add ‘+poop’ to every search”?
Last issue, Selina Kyle was really confused because she loved Batman but then felt really relieved when he was taken to the loony bin. That’s an insensitive way to say crazy farm. Later that night, she had a dream where she told herself she was not really herself and that her real self was the self telling herself that she was not herself. Later she met a guy named Puffy Jackets who was the 2nd greatest burglar in Gotham. For some reason, he wanted to convince Catwoman to get back into the burglary game and stop acting so delusional. I suppose ambition scares the guy. He just couldn’t handle being the best and so he needed to fuck up his own game. But now Selina knows Gotham is not Gothtopia! She must save the world!
Unless she didn’t believe the dream. I don’t remember. I’m sure I’ll be reminded soon enough.
"Words. Words are not enough. I’d like to explain how awful Ann Nocenti’s writing is. I really would like to be able to express just exactly how terribly she puts the words next to the other words and then adds some more words until their whole purpose, as words, becomes hidden in their sudden unwordiness. No matter how many sentences she forms, her ideas remain inchoate. The ideas never venture forth from the primordial soup to become stories. They just kind of flop around, a mess of protein strands that never quite become life. And she has me torturing metaphors in my attempt to understand how she can be so ununderstandable!"
— Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, Master Comic Book Reader of the West Wind.
I hope Larfleeze kills these incestuous bastards and adds them to his Orange Lantern Corps.
This comic book is silly. Last issue was silly and this issue will probably be silly. Now that everybody remembers where we were, let’s dig in!
Apparently more happened last issue that I’m not recalling because in the interim (I don’t know what interim I’m talking about here. It doesn’t really work unless I flesh it out more by saying “between issues” or “in the interim between issues more happened.” But why should I fix what I’ve already typed? That’s like admitting I was wrong which, according to my mother, I never am! At least she says I always have to be right which is mostly exactly like saying I’m never wrong. What a sweet, old racist woman. You know what? I think I should probably call her! Be right back. Oh! But first I should close these parentheses. I’m letting too many words in) Larfleeze has become an American.
I guess technically he always had this attitude. Never mind.