April 2012
98 posts
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OMAC #5
The Biggest Crossover since Superboy/Teen Titans!
The title of this issue is “Occasionally Monsters Accidentally Crossover.” That’s pretty good! They could have also called it “Sharing Hero’s Audience Doubles Earnings.”
Frankenstein has been summoned to Checkmate’s headquarters under Mt. Rushmore. Does Checkmate stand for anything? I hope not!...
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Animal Man #7
I’m waiting for the Origin of Animal Animal!
In the middle of this issue, Buddy Baker has a dream about the future.
In the future, Travel Foreman is not the artist.
The Earth is a bleak, fly-infested landscape covered with dust and littered with bones. This is a world taken over by the Rot because Buddy Baker did not protect his daughter. Maxine is here fighting the Rot as Animal...
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“I think people in the year 2020 are going to be nostalgic for the sensation of...”
– Douglas Coupland, JPod
March 2012
108 posts
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Dream #14,796
Dreamt that I was in a Björk tribute band. My girlfriend was also in the band. She was upset that Björk wouldn’t remain friends with her so she wrote some Op Ed piece discussing it and ended it saying, “Jeff secretly likes Björk.” It destroyed our Tribute Band for some reason. So I titled the Third Album, “Of Course I Like Björk. I’m in a Fucking Björk Tribute...
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Animal Man #6
The tagline to Buddy’s movie sounds like a Stormwatch plot.
Nearly this entire issue is an excerpt from “Tights”, the movie Buddy Baker starred in about the washed up super hero who can’t move on with his life.
John Paul Leon does the art for this section.
The story isn’t anything surprising. It’s about Chas, middle aged man who just can’t keep up...
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Animal Man #5
Maxine looks like a Vampiric Ninja Turtle.
Buddy, Maxine, and Socks are on their way to save Ellen and Cliff from the third hunter. Socks doesn’t think Buddy should be bringing Maxine toward the hunter because Maxine is all that matters. Of course, that means it doesn’t matter if Socks lives or dies either!
Socks could take him.
Ellen and Cliff are blasting the shit out of the...
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Swamp Thing #7
Finally?
Instead of transforming Alec Holland into the Swamp Thing instantly, the Parliament of Trees play a little game with him. They use their power to keep him from dying outright and then encase him in a giant head of lettuce.
Why does the Rot need to turn their heads around to control them? Stop being creepy for the sake of being creepy, Rot!
The Parliament plan to keep him alive just...
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Swamp Thing #6
“Even love dies”? As if Love is all powerful or something? Shit, love dies all the time. In long car rides. In desperately quiet households. In a stranger’s glance. Love is one of the most fragile things there is!
Alec and Abby’s get together has been interrupted by the Parliament of Trees screaming inside Alec’s head. While Alec is distracted, William squirms free...
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Swamp Thing #5
I’m surprised that isn’t Swamp Thing instead of Alec Holland.
Well, it’s been a few weeks and now it’s time to read Swamp Thing #5!
A man named Professor Robert has headed into the Amazon Rainforest. His guide leaves him at the boundary of the Terena Peoples. The Terena’s main concern seems to be that they aren’t speaking Old Portugese to them. Yes, I know...
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Justice League Dark #5
Use your spells not your fists!
Justice League Dark begins with a rash of strange occurrences happening across the country. This used to happen every few issues in Shade the Changing Man.
My basement is still flooded with Vic 20s.
In one of her narration boxes, Madame Xanadu admits that it was she who separated June Moon from The Enchantress. How? I don’t know. Why? Probably because...
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Red Lanterns #5
Bleez pulls off a perfect Butt-Boob Showcase!
I like how this cover is almost exactly like the cover of Issue #4. That one also declared a big fight to lead the Red Lanterns. Or at least a big fight for a ring. But then that never happened. So the cover declares it’ll happen this time. I’m pretty sure the Cover Artists for DC get a general synopsis for the story that will be in the...
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New Guardians #5
Sure, Kyle. That rock that is also being sucked into the Vortex will save you.
The six colored Lanterns converge on the Vortex. The Red Lantern, Bleez, took off last issue when the Blue Lantern tried to heal her insanity. Too bad for her that her sanity was restored to her in the Red Lanterns title anyway. And wait until Arkillo finds out that the majority of his Yellow Lanterns have been...
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Green Lantern Corps #5
Green Lantern Corps brutality!
First off, let me apologize to Guy Gardner for criticizing his Custer remark a few issues ago. Since the Green Lantern Corps is being attacked by a group of aliens out to get revenge because the Green Lantern Corps devastated their homeworld and destroyed their resources, the analogy is a little more fitting. The Green Lantern Corps are the bad guys!
I really...
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Green Lantern #5
“Two against a thousand”? What happened to all the Green Lanterns Sinestro created last issue?
Just like Hal Jordan when he received his ring from Sinestro, the Korugarians think they can kill Sinestro with the rings he just created for them. I think Sinestro needs to take a long look inside himself and figure out why everyone he arms tries to kill him immediately. Maybe he should...
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Red Hood and the Outlaws #5
I don’t believe Crux was a good enough villain for two full issues.
This issue begins with a kind of apology for Crux in much the same way that Stephen King apologizes for Cujo on the last page of that novel.
“Tonight was something of a Holy Grail for him.” No. I would accept ‘revelation’. Perhaps ‘epiphany’. But not Holy Grail. Wrong.
Roy Harper...
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Birds of Prey #5
When did Canary’s fishnets become hex tiles?
The Birds have just appeared out on the street after being inside the half-floor offices of Choke. But they weren’t just scooted out and mind wiped of the escort out of the building. Starling’s hand is no longer broken and Batgirl is missing. The Birds seem to have quite a large chunk of missing time.
Can we please agree to stop...
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Nightwing #5
That looks a bit like Trigon except I think Trigon had more eyes.
Nightwing is still with the traveling circus and headed for New Orleans. Waiting for him and his circus is Zohna and her newly summoned demon, Acheron (not Trigon!)
She summoned a demon to kidnap a clown? Seems a bit much.
Actually, Nightwing was left behind by the traveling circus! So now he’s racing to catch up with...
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Catwoman #5
Guillem couldn’t manage to show Catwoman’s boobs in this pose somehow? Comic Book Fail.
I haven’t opened the comic book yet so I thought I’d make a guess at how Catwoman survives being launched way up into the sky. Since she has her whip, I’m guessing she’ll pull an Indiana Jones and whip lasso a flag pole or something and swing to safety. I also asked my...
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Batwing #5
Who needs Batwing if Batman is going to keep showing up?
Batwing #5 begins in the past. AGAIN! A nice little trip down memory lane where David (Batwing) burnt some poor helpless villager alive at the command of his General. That’s the General that killed Isaac (except he didn’t actually kill him as we’ll see as soon as the comic returns to the present) and that David killed....
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Batgirl #5
I hope she’s interesting as well.
I thought it was a good thing I was doing these blogs because it’s been at least a month now since I’ve read Batgirl #4. So I did a quick refresher and saw that Batgirl #4 ended with Batgirl’s mom coming to the door. I’d forgotten all about that! But now that I’m caught up, it won’t surprise me when the comic begins...
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Legion of Super-heroes #4
It did not take a legion to take him down! It took two Legionnaires! That’s all!
Renegade has been captured and incarcerated in this, um, uh, well, hmm….
In the year 3000, they put your dick in prison first.
Apparently the only way to keep a Daxamite chained is to stuff his penis into a space anchor and wrap his hands around his scrotum. And judging by the arm veins, the whole...
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Legion of Super-heroes #3
The Dominators! I remember them from, oh, um, some crisis type crossover event from who knows when.
Yeah, so those penis ships are flown by the Dominators. The Dominators look like Gary Busey after head-butting Wesley Willis.
That’s how you correctly spell lose, Internet.
And it’s what the Dominators do almost immediately! The don’t shoot one Legionnaire and they lose...
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Legion of Super-heroes #2
Superman Lite to the rescue!
Here’s a shot of the first page of Issue #2:
Phantom Girl’s real name is Tiny Wazoo!
When I first saw this page, I thought, “Fuck! I have to learn more Legionnaires!” And then I realized they were just recapping everyone’s names. Well, at least the creative team realizes there are too many Goddamned characters in this comic book!...
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“I think the DCnU concept of time is just everyone from across all time shoved...”
– Grunion Guy
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Legion Lost #4
But found by who? Charles Widmore?
This issue is from Dawnstar’s point of view. She’s currently in Earth orbit trying to track down Doctor Scanlon and other Hypersapiens. Hypersapien just sounds like another name for Toddler, like Ankle Biter and Mommy’s Little Accident.
Tellus, the telepath, has also sensed another threat to Legion in his search for Hypersapiens. An...
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Legion Lost #3
Red Rage is another human infected with the pathogen. Duh.
Issue #3 is narrated by Timber Wolf. Or Lone Wolf. This isn’t a surprise because he’s been full of anger throughout the last two comics and now this one is called Red Rage. Even now, he’s thinking about being angry and how he would love to take it out on someone.
Their headquarters is a Westward Ho motel.
...
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Legion Lost #2
Probably somebody I’ve never heard of before this comic.
On the second page of Legion Lost, somebody’s thought boxes describe what has happened to create this comic book series. I say somebody because I don’t know these heroes at all so I don’t know who the little star with wings icon belongs to that is supposed to identify the person thinking the thought boxes. The...
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Blue Beetle #4
Between the end of last issue and the cover of this one, he’s upgraded his weapon’s technology!
I guess the Gatling Gun was discarded for three higher tech guns that probably start shooting as soon as you pull the trigger and the ammo feed doesn’t get tangled up and jammed quite as easily. And since I’m discussing covers, what was up with the cover of Issue #3? Blue...
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Blue Beetle #3
Someone needs to rethink the Fairy Wings on Blue Beetle’s costume.
CORRECTION (like a real journalist!): La Dama’s Wolf Guy from last issue did not kick The Brotherhood of Evil’s ass. In one panel, it just looked like he had the upper hand on Plasmus which is absolutely ridiculous in hand to hand combat. But then a few panels later, Wolf Guy is choked to death by Plasmus. If...
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Blue Beetle #2
When does Ted Kord come back?
Jaime has just turned into the Blue Beetle and doesn’t quite understand what is happening yet. The Scarab has covered him in armor and turned him into some kind of terminator unit. Jaime can see his target’s brains and hearts since those are the best places to blast away for a lethal hit. I don’t yet know what Blue Beetle blasts when he attacks...
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Hawk and Dove #4
The editors said, “Come on, Rob. At least give us three feet on the cover.”
Look at that fist! LOOK AT IT! It is magical! Hawk and Dove have Condor in police custody. This issue is called “The Interrogation” so I think they’re going to be asking him questions. I wonder how they’re going to get the fight scene in place? He’ll probably slip in the word...
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Hawk and Dove #3
Shouldn’t the Avatar of Peace talk it out?
Well, that depends entirely on their gender.
A fight breaks out before anybody can be spayed or neutered! Although, if I’d been Dove, I would have answered, “Spayed!”, and then watched to see exactly how Condor would achieve that with President Obama. “Where the fuck are his ovaries?!”
By all means, let me answer...
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Hawk and Dove #2
Do Hawk and Dove only fight bird villains?
Kestrel versus Condor
Well, pardon the fuck out of me! The surprise villain from the end of last issue was Condor and not Kestrel! Maybe if Liefeld had a little more imagination and I could remember the colors of a minor crappy character’s costume (a character I shouldn’t have recalled at all anyway!), I might have gotten it right. I just...
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Static Shock #4
All the super villains want a piece of Static’s ass.
Last issue, Piranha and Paleman (the Joker like-a-look) bought some drugs called ‘Q-Juice’. It’s supposed to give normal people super powers. But so far, it’s only managed to kill five of Piranha’s men. So the dealer decides to show Piranha the Q-Juice Demo Model to prove that it works: Guillotina from the...
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Static Shock #3
Does Virule have Triforce kneepads because his name rhymes with Hyrule?
Since the comic book repeated this panel from Issue 2, I will too!
Remember this was happening? Well then this started happening.
Does electricity cause Chia Pets to sprout faster?
Coming in to contact with Static gets Virule pregnant. That thought box of Static’s is because he’s turning off the Yellow...
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Static Shock #2
I’m guessing everyone can escape Virule and the Slate Gang.
When Static Shock’s arm is cut off (at the end of last issue and relived again at the beginning of this issue! In case everyone forgot), it causes a massive electrical explosion or some kind of intense feedback. The buildings surrounding Static Shock lose power but his arm snaps back into place. It looked like he was pure...
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Men of War #4
Naked? With his dick in something?
Private Korba’s big explosion took out the helicopters coming for Rock and his group and also knocked all of the other combatants unconscious. Rock and his men were spared. They regroup and head inland. Private Perez wants to know what the hell Korba just did but Rock doesn’t seem to be curious about it. Maybe that’s how we’ve never...
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Men of War #3
What the fuck is the sniper shooting at birds?
Third issue and third story to start off with two or three pages of the middle of the story while then reverting back to the beginning of the story to just tell it in a linear fashion from there.
Seriously. No, seriously. See how serious I am, starting a new paragraph and all that shit? Okay, okay, fuck you. Yeah, I start new paragraphs pretty...
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Men of War #2
That’s a pretty virulent strain of herpes.
Men of War continues with Rock and his company taking shelter in the house of a man who doesn’t really want them there. In his house. In his city. In his country. Rock and his men are just as confused as the owner of their new shelter. The super being was an unknown factor. Nobody knows what it was or where it came from or why it appeared...
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Blackhawks #4
For a covert team, they sure love to display their branding.
TItus has stolen a rod from the Blackhawks nuclear reactor core and The Eyrie is going to experience some pretty hard times if someone doesn’t come up with a plan. Kunoichi had better come up with a plan since she’s now some kind of super techno computer God thing and is plugged into the entire base. She’ll probably...
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Blackhawks #3
I’m pretty sure this cover should have Wildman on it and not Irishman!
In Deathstroke #4, Laszlo, the Blackhawk with whom Deathstroke has a meeting, mentions that the Blackhawks control illicit technology. I think what he really meant to say was that the Blackhawks plagiarize technology from across the popular cultural spectrum. In Issue #1, Mother Machine is made up of some Ghost in the...
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Blackhawks #2
Issue #2 and we already have a traitor in the midst!
Issue #2 doesn’t start with Kunoichi blowing up. Just like a lot of comics, the cliffhanger at the end of the first issue is ignored at the beginning of the second issue. It’s like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that ends with Giles about to be beheaded by one of those blind Bringer guys. And then you have to wait half...
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All Star Western #4
Just another children living in the sewers storyline.
The first few pages of the comic deal with Jonah Hex killing the three Trapp brothers he’s been after. He’s not only after them for the bounty, though. They have information he wants but even when Jonah tortures one of them by blowing off his fingers one at a time, the Trapp won’t talk and Jonah ends up killing him....
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All Star Western #3
Yay! Whores!
At the end of the last issue, Jonah Hex was about to get his throat slit. At the beginning of this issue, that probably doesn’t happen. I guess it could happen. And then Amadeus Arkham would have to take over the investigation. Or the slaughtering. I think the investigation part of the comic is over and now its the bad guys are going to get their comeuppance part of the...
