Teen Titans #1

25 pages?! The past was five pages better!

Here is The Teen Titans #1 from the 1980s. I don’t remember what year and it just says Nov on the cover! That could be any year! It stars Starfire, Raven, Beast Boy (or Changeling), Robin, Wonder Girl, Kid Flash, and Cyborg. That’s a lot of people! In this issue, they are fighting some green hands.

Teen Titans #1 from 2003. This one has the same line-up but includes Superboy. In this issue, they learn to do The Twist.

Teen Titans #1 from around 1863. This version includes Robin, Wonder Girl, Kid Flash and Aqualad. In this issue, they fight the Beast God of Xochatan! I did some major research to figure that out!

Variant cover of Teen Titans #1 from 2003. In this issue, they throw a bake sale so that Starfire can afford some clothing.

Teen Titans #1 from 1996. This issue stars a bunch of characters I don’t recognize. In this issue, they battle obscurity.

Teen Titans #1 from 1984. That last one was from 1980! This one stars Wonder Girl, Starfire, Cyborg, Changeling, Nightwing, Raven, and Jericho. In this series, they battle Trigon and Deathstroke exclusively! Maybe Brother Blood beats them up a few times as well! And that brain in the jar, I think! The one that has an ape as a butler!

And finally, here is the cover of the New 52 Teen Titans.

Just be thankful I didn’t include all the spin-off books like Tales of the Teen Titans and Teen Titans Spotlight On and Teen Titans: West. And probably more! I covered this last month, but the members of this group are Flying Robin, Superboy (Hunh? Traitor!), Wonder Girl, El Fisto, Kid Flash, 420, and Archnilass! Seems like a solid group! Of losers! Ha ha!

Teen Titans #1 starts off the book with 15,000 strikes against it since the first word is ‘Meh’. Have I mentioned how much I hate this word? It’s such an arrogant bullshit jerk-off internet response. Anybody who has ever used ‘meh’ in response to anything ever is a complete and utter tool. I would rather have someone respond to something I write with ‘You’re a fucking stupid cunt, ya slant eyed racist bitch!’ And if I didn’t have this sentence right here that you’re reading right now, the first comment on this post would be ‘meh’ by some smart-ass son of a bitch. It still might be but at least I got to call you a smart-ass son of a bitch! Of course, now that I wrote that, the first comment will probably be ‘You’re a fucking stupid cunt, ya slant eyed racist bitch!’

Maybe I shouldn’t give the comic 15,000 strikes! Maybe it’s just a douchey character that is starting out the comic!

Kid Flash makes his appearance in the first few pages. He tries to help put out a fire. But he’s mainly doing it for the cameras. But he’s a major spaz and he messes everything up and nearly gets himself killed.

Next up is Tim Drake. He seems to be keeping track of all the up and coming young super powered kids around the world. He’s also noted that some secret organization was recruiting these kids to work for it. That organization is N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and they attempt to get Tim Drake. But he escapes on some wing set up because he’s now Red Robin instead of Robin the Boy Wonder. His super power is bottomless steak fries.

Here’s where we see who has been paying attention! Justice League takes place five years in the New Continuity’s past. In that time, Batman is just a legend to all the super heroes. So I can’t imagine he’s had any type of career with kid sidekicks by that point. Since Tim Drake still has a history as a Robin, does Nightwing’s Dick Grayson have one as well? So in the last five years, Batman would have gone through Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, and now he’s got a new Robin in the Batman and Robin title. I guess I’ll find out when I read that one if it’s Jason Todd or some new kid. That means Batman has been pretty busy playing with the little kids! How does he have time for Justice League and Justice League International and Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight and banging Catwoman and being Bruce Wayne? “Faith?” No, stupid! Because he’s Batman!

Red Robin (stupid name!) goes off to collect Wonder Girl into his new group he’s forming to protect the teen super heroes of the world. His group will probably be called the Teen Titans. Cassie Sandsmark (she doesn’t like to be called Wonder Girl) plays hard to get but eventually joins up after being attacked by unmanned helicopters.

The issue finally ends with a repeated scene from the end of Superboy #1 where Templar Zaniel tells Doctor Redhead to release the Superboy so he can take care of the Teen Titans! Cross-over imminent!