Teen Titans #3

Red Robin steals Batman’s most infamous move: The Batfart

Starting where we left off last issue, Kid Flash is rescuing some smoking girl named Solstice. She’s probably Wiccan. Kid Flash uses an old Family Circus trick to rescue her in a single panel.

At point five, we see he can pee at superspeed. And at the end, he has to guess a four digit code on the panel to open the way out. That means he’s got to guess from, assuming a pad with the digits 0-9, 10,000 possibilities.

This brings me to a problem with superspeed. Just because an outside observer would see him guess the combination within a few seconds, from his perspective, he’s got to manually enter thousands of combinations. Bart Allen is a total ADD spazoid who would never have the attention span to do this. Even at superspeed. Because from his perspective, it’s not really going super fast. He still has to experience the monotony of trying every single combination!

I guess it’s nice to think of the Super Speedster as experiencing things just as fast as everyone else but then how would he function? He’d start running and just slam into the first obstacle since he wouldn’t be able to react in time. His mind has to be able to perceive things as if he were going at a normal speed and everyone else had just slowed way down.

Plus, how did he know they needed a four digit code? I’ll allow that he heard four beeps or something earlier while near someone entering a code. Or it was a lucky guess.

The super hero they need for this is some Quantum hero (or some Mr. Lucky!) who can get the code on the first try every time. That’s more believable! Oh! I just realized I’m sort-of referencing Red Dwarf again when they find the Luck Virus. I think Lister guesses at some code while on it and gets it on the first try. Homer probably used this trick in one of his stories too.

The comic gets a little bit crazy after that, flipping between too many threads at once with each plotline getting one or two pages each before moving on to the next at weird breaks.

First up, Bunker in his secret identity meets up with Red Robin in disguise.

Let’s see…dresses nice while hopping train cars, faux-hawk, screams when startled…Bunker is gay! Or Castilian.

It’s easy to tell that the old hobo is Red Robin because there is a giant cocoon in the train car and I’m pretty sure that is one of Batman’s old disguises.

Next up, Cassie is dressed as a nurse trying to get information from one of N.O.W.H.E.R.E.’s metahuman dupes, Thrice. He’s called Thrice because he has two brothers who can share the same bodily space and teleport into and out of each other.

She’s looking pretty hot in her nurse’s outfit but I can’t be bothered to scan it.

Next back to Antarctica for a single page. That’s where Kid Flash and Solstice were being held captive. We learn Solstice can fly. And maybe read thoughts.

Then back to Bunker and Red Robin where we get the incredible fight promised by the cover:

Wait. Really? That was the big fight! To be fair, Robin did try to kick Bunker. But Robin was still wearing the old hobo disguise. And they weren’t on top of a train. And Bunker wasn’t in his costume. I really need to make sure I call out these fake covers every time! The last issue showed Red Robin and Wonder Girl in Skitter’s cocoons but Skitter never even wove any webs! She did spit some sort of acid all over Red Robin at one point but he blocked it with his wings which were made by WayneTech out of Inertrite! And you know how powerful that stuff is! It’s even harder than Alloy 1090!

So it must be made from precious stones or something. Leave it to Waynetech to create some fictional thing harder than the hardest thing in reality.

So Bunker decides he wants to join Red Robin’s super group.

If he was just talking about pooling their resources, then why did he already have the name Teen Titans in mind when fighting Skitters? I think Red Robin is a big liar. Or maybe since he said the thing about the Teen Titans in a narration box, I’m just confused about when or how or why it was being said and it had no actual relation in space and time to the action of the comic.

More antics ensue as the train stops for a quick break in some town where Red Robin meets a future villain.

Its brain must be an iPhone running Siri.

Red Robin returns to the train car with no memory of, ahem, Detritus to find that Skitters has hatched from her cocoon and she’s returned to her normal girl-self. How useful is this woman going to be? Sometimes she’s a spider girl who tries to kill everyone and sometimes she’s just naked and confused!

Then Kid Flash hallucinates Danny the Street in Antarctica right before the comic ends. Now I don’t know for a fact that he actually saw Danny the Street. But I have my fingers crossed!