Men of War #6

Last war story ever. Everyone dead. Go home.

Last issue, Sgt. Rock and his company were captured by a platoon of very old war soldiers. They weren’t old like an old man is old! They were old as in they’d lived a long time but kept their middle aged good looks! Just before the issue ended, Sgt. Rock took the gun away from one of them and has taken the upper hand.

Sgt. Rock begins this comic by radioing General Schiff for help. But apparently Sgt. Rock is now part of some private detail and the army can’t help him. Except Sgt. Rock, being smarter than everyone else, convinces the General that if he doesn’t help Sgt. Rock and his men, America is going to get blamed for some really bad shit going down soon. Because the Undead Army Men will probably use the bodies of Sgt. Rock and his boys for a big frame up of America. Sure, Sgt. Rock has no proof. The Undead Army Men told Rock they didn’t want to kill him or his men. So Rock surrendered. But then he thought twice about surrendering and now he’s fighting back and looking for evac.

Is it unpatriotic to hope that a fictional American soldier dies? Because I’m sick of this new Sgt. Rock. I liked the Sgt. Rock that took part in real wars! This Sgt. Rock is just a tool of a corporate run America that needs to control every single action by every other country. And if they can’t, they label that country as rogue.

Besides, the Undead Army Men are the first really interesting part of this comic since the other interesting part, Circe, barely did anything.

Rock takes the man he captured and tries to use him as a hostage to negotiate the release of his men. But the big grey Undead Army Leader does not negotiate with terrorists and he takes away Rock’s advantage.

This guy is supposed to be pretty tough. I doubt two bullets will kill him.

Sgt. Rock dives from cover and begins shooting. He gets shot in the back right shoulder. And then he gets shot in the front right shoulder. But he shoots the Undead Army Leader three times directly in the chest. And this is Rock’s big profound thought:

Is something someone would really think? As long as a soldier has a mission, no matter how bullshit, he can feel good about his death? An honourable death in service? But without a mission, Oh Noes! I died for nothing! Yeah, well get used to it. It’s actually quite the revelation to make! Mission or no mission. Doesn’t matter. Dead is dead.

Undead Army Leader is shot twice in the heart but he doesn’t die. He tells Rock that he gave all of his men the gift of a long life. But “if enough of their blood spills, they will die.” But he never will. He also seems impressed with Rock’s ability to wage war. He offers Rock the gift of near immortality and Rock proudly refuses. Rock’s last action before he believes he’s going to be shot in the head is to give command to Private Korba.

Oh, you remember him. The Firestorm guy that saved their lives a few issues ago. The guy who, according to the cover, is about to save their lives again!

See? And he has some kind of control over his atomic blast power. So Rock and his men are fine and the Undead Army Guys are just knocked unconscious.

Rock and his men retreat from the building, carrying the Undead Army Guys over their shoulders. Korba’s power tagged the building and the Air Force flies in to bomb the crap out of the weapons’ cache located in the warehouse.

This is the big splash page. I could have drawn this! I know five year olds that could have drawn this. Okay, that’s a lie. But I could probably find some five year olds that I don’t know who could draw this!

And after this big explosion, are we going to get some profound after mission thoughts from Rock? Or maybe a few panels where he looks on pensively? Or maybe one more conversation with the Undead Army Leader where Rock shows him what a real, American Man is like! He convinces him that War does serve a purpose and that America only engages in war for the right cause and the correct reasons! Is that what happens next?

We do get a few panels of pensive silence.

But mostly it’s just commentary from the American Undead Army Guy, the one with the red X on his forehead. He claims Rock is a lot like they are. They’re all soldiers. Rock says he hopes not. And then Rock takes off with the Undead Guys tied up in the desert. The Red X Undead Guy yells at Rock to watch his back because there are other teams like theirs out there. It’s an old conflict, older than most of these Undead Soldiers. And now Rock is involved. The End!

And maybe that’s the end for good for Sgt. Rock because Ivan Brandon, the writer of the Sgt. Rock stories, is off the book for the last two issues. That’s a good thing because these comics haven’t been very good, right? Well, it could be except J.T. Krul is coming in to write Issue #7!

And now for the back-up story! Fuck it. It sucked. Nothing to see here.

Men of War Issue #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. Poor ending. Poor use of the Undead Army Guys who could have been interesting. And lousy back-up story.