I needed some past secrets revealed before reading Issue #6!
As the story opens, Static is chasing some lonely journal-writing lesbian book-reader across the skies of New York. This girl is inside some giant creation that looks to be made of train cars. But it might be made up of various apartments of the building she lived in because the girl is in the main compartment and it looks like a living room. The other compartments that snake out behind her big one seem to house people as well. And I think she might be trying to commit suicide by throwing herself in a volcano.
Technically, Captain Atom isn’t responsible. But hey, fuck him! He sucks! And he’s at least responsible for leaving it in the middle of New York after he brought himself back to life! What a fucking jerk! His comic deserves to be canceled!
Looks like the people trapped in the contraption (is that why it’s called a conTRAPtion?!) put the girl’s secrets on the internet and exposed her most precious thoughts to the world. They must have gotten a hold of her journal. That’ll teach her to not listen to her mother and waste all her time writing in a journal! Man, I hope nobody ever puts my private journal online!
Hey! Want to read a bit from my journal?! Okay. *ahem*
February 27th, 1996.
Dear Diary. I mean Journal. That sounds more manly.
Today I touched a girl’s bottom. It was so smooth and delicate. I was rubbing her back and I said I can’t go any lower or I’ll be in her pants. And she said, “Go ahead, rub me lower.” And so I slid my hand down the back of her pants and rubbed her ass! I rubbed it so good! OH MAN DID I RUB THAT FUCKING ASS! But then my friend Ken lying between me and my chick, had to start talking about postmodern something or others or some stupid shit! Shut up, Ken! I’m trying to score. Is it possible to score with Ken lying in-between us? Who knows but I’m going to fucking try!
Later that day: I jerked off in the airplane lavatory. Right on the mirror. And then I smeared my semen around with a kleenex and left the Kleenex in the sink to make it look like someone sneezed on the mirror. Except the whole front of the plane smelled like semen so maybe that was a bad idea. I think the flight attendant wanted to fuck me. But I’m pretty sure I’m heterosexual.
All in all, a good day!
Boy! That would be embarrassing if anybody ever read that! But who fucking reads tumblr, right? Everything I write on tumblr is tl;dr! People only look at animated .gifs on tumblr, so I doubt anybody will ever read that!
Back to the comic book, Static Shock is the man! He’s trying to keep this girl from killing herself and he’s trying to save her by banging the fuck out of her! I think. I’m pretty sure that’s his plan.
Look at the look on her face! I think he just slid his dick in!
And after he has sex with the victim, he turns to the bullies. Wait wait wait. I didn’t mean she was a victim because he had sex with her! I meant she was a victim of the bullies who put her most personal thoughts online. And then he had sex with her in front of them. Hmm, that can’t be good. Maybe he didn’t have sex with them? I think Static is a virgin. He’s holding out to beat Vanessa’s pussy up.
Static Shock is the best comic I’ve ever read. I should probably drink more often while reading comic books!
Holy fuck! And now he’s gettin’ it on with the bullies! Static Shock has the most photoshopped sex of any comic I’ve read! I should call it Static Shop! Or Static Shoop! And all I needed to do to photoshop this one was add a period!
The rest of the comic is Virgil talking to a psychologist at school. He’s fairly honest but he keeps all of the static stuff cloaked in metaphor or analogy. Or poems. Whatever literary word I’m looking for there! Hey, Dad! Are you watching as I prove that you wasted all that money on a Literature Degree! Ha ha! In your face!
Virgil sort of tells his origin story. Then at one point, he says he found a job after school. He’s talking about working with other super heroes. And now I’m wondering if the cartoon was any good! I probably never watched it because of some subconscious racism on my part! “Oh, a black hero! BORING! Maybe Yu-Gi-Oh is on the other channel!”
Is there a Yu-Gi-Oh comic book? I would read the fuck out of that! One of the things I liked best about the cartoons was that they really seemed to be making the rules up as they went along. And then my nephew was into the card game for awhile but he was too young to really know the rules. And then I played it on the Playstation and it was the most awesome game ever! And I never did quite understand the rules. And it was worse on the Xbox 360 arcade version! You could have a match against the computer and he’d win in one turn and since there was no pause feature to read the cards, there’s every possibility the computer was cheating by just playing his cards quickly!
I once lost in a Magic Tournament because my opponent played his cards super quick. What a fucking jerk! I was fairly new to the game and was playing a five color Seasinger/Haven deck. My seasingers would steal my opponent’s creatures and then I’d stick them in the Haven and untap my Seasinger for the next creature. I was beating this one guy by running his deck out of cards. But he played Feldon’s Cane and then tapped it and used its effect really quickly. I’d never seen the card before so I asked to look at it. And while I looked at it, he played out the effect by shuffling his graveyard into his library. Meanwhile, I had a Counterspell and could have stopped it from being summoned. Fuck him! FUCK THAT ASSHOLE!
Where the hell was I? Where’d I leave my Static Shock comic book? Oh, here it is. Okay, so back to Static.
Virgil’s psychologist plays the “I care so much” card and then turns it around and says she thinks he might be abused by his parents! So she checks his arms for bruises and, luckily, doesn’t find any because of his healing factor. Just as things are getting kind of tense, Virgil’s friend Quentin sets off some fire alarms by blowing shit up in the science lab. Virgil is saved by the bell and books it out of the psychologist’s office.
Best issue yet. Also, the last one.
Static Shock Issue #8 Rating: +2 Ranking! Yes, +2! I imagine that the issues I really didn’t like may have worked a lot better for people who have been following Static all this time. But these last two issues were wonderful! Issue #7 and #8 develop a comic that I would be interested in reading. Too bad the comic is over now. But I have a sneaking suspicion (unless it’s a sinking suspicion!) that I’ll be seeing Static Shock over at Teen Titans fairly soon. I mean, they’re going to have to replace Skitter at some point! Fucking useless bug girl.