Teen Titans #8

Taste the Teen Rainbow.

The Teen Titans encountered Harvest at the end of last issue and even though there wasn’t a fight (okay, okay. There was one page where Harvest mentioned he was controlling them completely. You know, just like that. Easy peasy), this issue begins with the Teen Titans captured and being tortured by yet another new villain named Omen. Haven’t all the words in the dictionary been used to create villains yet? Especially these one shot villains that really won’t be around for much more than this one story. The New 52 feels a lot like when DC did the Bloodlines Annual event. Writers are just creating new villains every other issue and slapping a trademark and a Created By label on them just in case they somehow become popular. But they’re all basically the same. One shows up with a new name and costume (and if the writer put any thought into it, at least a gimmick or reason for being) where they proceed to kick the shit out of the super hero for one or two issues. Eventually the super hero will pull himself or herself up by her Goddamned Batstraps and defeat the new villain who was so crazy powerful in the previous issue. Unless you’re the Justice League International where you’ll just get killed or put into a coma or cry in a corner and feel useless.

Well, here are a few more. Harvest and Omen. Omen has the Teen Titans captured and is currently torturing Red Robin by sticking him in her womb (no, seriously. Her own words) and showing him what he most fears. Apparently he most fears turning into an actual Robin.

I would think his worst fear was disappointing Batman. Or never getting laid.

Since Solstice has been through this shit before, Wonder Girl turns to her for advice (and yes, I’m going to continue to call Cassie ‘Wonder Girl’).

Oh well. I guess they should just give up and die then.

The rest of the Teen Titans continue to say heroic things (except Solstice who has decided they are doomed) while not actually doing anything. I guess that’s what makes a true hero. A person that always talks back to the person in power with no fear of sounding trite or stupid. If I’m ever arrested, I’m going to spout off with “Is that all you’ve got?!” and “You’ll be sorry!” and “You’ll never get away with it!”

Omen must be foreign.

Cassandra fears being Wonder Girl. Her lariat is not a lasso and her invisible armor is not a jet. So don’t fucking call her Wonder Girl, okay?

Next up is Skitter and Omen separates the bug from the girl. And at this point, we find that Celine knows more than she is saying about why she and Skitter have been merged.

How did Skitters know Omen was Lilith? Even I didn’t know that! Stupid Teen Titans history I missed in the double aughts.

Lilith, Terra, and Beast Boy have all made appearances. When do we get Raven? Or maybe Harvest is Raven? Who else might Harvest be? I don’t think I can think of any Teen Titans that were dead in the old DCU that could end up being Harvest now. I’m currently sucking at my Teen Titans history. Maybe it’s Jericho since he is able to take control of their bodies? NOWHERE has managed to adapt other super powers like that Grunge guy. Maybe Jericho can now possess people without disappearing inside of them. Or maybe it’s Phantasm or Wildebeest, right?! Actually, Phantasm is a good guess!

Back in New York City, Amanda Waller is hanging out with some guy named Kurt Lance who I should probably recognize but don’t.

My supposition is that they made Amanda Waller thin and attractive because most comic book artists can’t actually draw anything but skeletons with muscles and boobs on them.

Why does Amanda even bother with the secrecy thing? Everybody fucking knows about your Squad, you dumb totebag. And why introduce this new plot into the mix? Do we really need another person out there hunting down the Teen Titans? Are the Teen Titans ever, in their entire history, going to be a super group that does good or are they just going to be a super group that attracts trouble?

When it’s Kid Flash’s turn, things go awry for Omen. She can’t quite tap into his mind because it’s layered over with a bunch of false memories and time travels and masturbation fantasies (probably). She takes off his clothes because that will help her somehow. Actually, it just helps the writer with the excuse for Kid Flash’s powers to go all wonky again now that Static’s Suit of Quantum Control is keeping thing in check. Kid Flash has a power surge which breaks Omen’s psionic connection. Kid Flash zips out, picks up Bunker and Solstice, and flees.

Except that none of that happens. It was all in their minds! It was all Omen controlling reality the whole time! What a stupid issue! What did we learn? We learned Kid Flash is afraid of dying. We learned Wonder Girl’s lariat is killing her. We learned Bunker has nothing we needed to learn. We learned Skitters is keeping the world safe by being Skitters. We learned Red Robin is the leader of the Teen Titans and keeps fighting to the very end. And we learned that Leash is just another super villain that can completely control his enemies which is a convenient way of making him win every fight until he doesn’t. And making it seem like the Teen Titans have finally met their match. Which they haven’t.

Leash? I can’t wait until we meet Plunger and Walking Stick and Tennis Shoe.

Teen Titans Issue #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. This was barely even an issue. I’m particularly getting sick of Scott Lobdell’s version of Super Powered Conflict. The Good Guys meet a Bad Guy. The Bad Guy is immune to the Good Guy’s Telekinesis when fighting Superboy. Or the Bad Guy can control everybody with a single thought. Harvest controlled everyone with a single thought. Leash controls everyone he touches. Omen controls reality so they can’t fight back because she is basically controlling them all. Grymm controlled everyone with a single thought. Detritus can erase everyone’s memories until Lobdell is ready to bring him back (hell, even I forgot about him!). I think Red Hood and the Outlaws hasn’t resorted to this bullshit yet. I really can’t remember.