Catwoman #23

I’m so happy Gotham has an underground. Because the surface wasn’t scary enough.

It’s time to find out what’s been happening in Gotham’s Sword and Sorcery World! Legendary Barbarian Catwoman was on a quest with her Scout Sidekick Tinderbox to find husbands for everybody! Catwoman has gotten to a point in her life where she desperately needs to find a man because stealing jewels just isn’t doing it for her anymore. Also, she’s being written by Ann Nocenti. So Selina is searching for her possible husband, King Rat-Tails, in a fantasy wasteland inhabited by the Warhogs! They’re like the Morlocks only less albinoey. Tinderbox is her new friend who wants a husband herself. And she wants one at any cost! She said it herself: he can beat her all he wants as long as she gets that fucking ring on her fiery finger!

Where the fuck is Ugly Cat?! If Nocenti forgot about Ugly Cat already, I’m going to write her a letter that contains the word “cunt” forty-two times.

Oh, don’t get your female genitalia in a twist! I’m a feminist! I’ve sent the exact same letter to Scott Lobdell!

Before I really get started reading, I should also point out that this issue was co-plotted by Scott McDaniel. So it might make more sense! Although Nocenti still has script credit so I’m not jizzing in my pants or anything.

In fact, after reading the second page, I’m actively punching myself in the balls.

Every beat of this dialogue is crap. Crap I say!

First off, surprise! The princess is a total princess! Um, you know what I mean. She’s exactly how you’d expect somebody to write a princess when they’re told to write a princess in Creative Writing 101 at the Adult Education Classes that take over the Junior High during summer. I’m beginning to miss the rebellious young girl that just wanted a husband to beat her!

Next Catwoman begins to wonder what a cat knows that she doesn’t know. Duh! Only, like, everything! You’re Catwoman! You know cats! If you’re following Ugly Cat because of what Ugly Cat is staring at, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Because I’m absolutely sure that Catwoman can’t cross from one dimension to another. Cats are constantly staring into other dimensions which is why they stare up at ceilings or through walls or at the arm of the chair for minutes on end.

After that, of course, is Catwoman not liking Ugly Cat because she doesn’t trust it and it follows her everywhere. I love cats but does that mean I trust them? Hell no! I look like a great big unripe Twinkie to them! Right now, my cat Judas is sitting on my lap simply because he wants Dibs on my juicy eyeballs when I die and wants to beat Pelafina to the tasty treats. Sure, he acts sweet. But I fucking know better.

And lastly, Tinkerbox making the giant leap in logic that Catwoman doesn’t trust much because she says she doesn’t trust one Ugly Cat. Maybe this is only ridiculous to me? Is this how regular people speak? Someone says, “I don’t drink milk.” And then the next person says, “You really hate cows, don’t you?” I suppose I’m being overly hyperbolic again. I should just be happy that Ugly Cat is still in this comic book.

Goats in gas masks! That’s got to be good for some rankings, right?

As Catwoman and Tinderbell approach the Realm of the Warhogs, Tinkerbottom flips the fuck out and begins attacking Catwoman because she doesn’t want Catwoman stealing her future fungus husband. Now I see why why Tenderbosom assumed that Catwoman doesn’t trust much: she was projecting!

Now Catwoman is criticizing somebody for using her #1 Patented Attack, The Face Claw?

I’m beginning to suspect that Ann Nocenti is reading her character’s name wrong. Has anybody sat her down to explain she is writing “Cat” “Woman”? Perhaps Ann Nocenti thinks she’s writing “Catwo” “Man” and she’s too embarrassed to ask someone what a “Catwo” is! Or maybe she simply doesn’t know what a cat or a woman is? I’m having difficulty comprehending how Nocenti can write a character so horribly. Even if I were the shittiest writer in the world (I’m not! I can think of two at least that work for DC that are worse than me!), I think I could string together a couple of scenes that would make a character named Catwoman believable. First I’d open with her naked on the bed licking her asshole. And then I’d have her roommate eating breakfast while Catwoman comes up to her and says, “WHAT’S THAT? WHAT’S THAT? IS THAT FOR ME? WHAT’S THAT? IT SURE SMELLS GOOD! WHAT’S THAT? WHAT’S THAT? IS THAT FOR ME? WHAT IS THAT?!” And after I nailed those woman characteristics, I’d make her act like a cat for awhile!

What the fuck is going on?! Are we, as comic book readers, absolutely, 100% positive that Ann Nocenti is a female writer?

Catwoman: (Holy fuck! A woman with flaming hands is attacking me and trying to gouge out my eyes while her goats shit all over my beautiful Dog Skin boots! What the fuck do I do?)
Catwoman: (Hmm. She has a super fine ass! Perhaps a spanking will subdue her! And maybe some candles and incense! I wonder if I brought my satin sheets?)

Before Catwoman and Tenderbutts can break out the massage oils, The Warhogs attack! They must not have any females in the Warhog clan because they rape the goats first. Catwoman and Tinderbox almost make a clean getaway except Ugly Cat decides to stand and fight. Catwoman goes back to save him and then blames him on ruining their smooth getaway. Poor Ugly Cat. He was just sacrificing his life so they could get away and Catwoman decides to fuck up his moment and then criticize him for his actions. What a bitch.

Why would she “get back there” if she knows they’re going to do more than spank her? I guess Catwoman was listening when she heard Tenderbox wanted a husband that would abuse her.

I’m purposefully misconstruing the dialogue in this comic book to make it seem more misogynistic than it is. But here’s the thing: not by fucking much! At least the art is nice to look at. It’s nice and comic booky! My favorite!

Although I like the art, the panel layout and the plotting could use a lot of work. One panel, Catwoman and Tinderbox head into a deadend while the Warhogs are getting out a rope. The next panel, Tinderbox is tied up and Catwoman is still kicking Warhogs in the face while screaming, “They got us now, Tinderbox! Just relax. Let’s see how things play out inside the bunker.” Those are words of two prisoners trussed up and being dragged back to the enemy’s base. The next panel, Catwoman is still fighting while saying, “Let me do the talking.” Again, it’s as if they should be speaking under their breath as they’re carted off as prisoners. By the third panel, Catwoman is being overwhelmed and now she says, “Damn. We surrender, you grunts. What do I have to do, wave a white flag?” No but you should probably stop kicking them in the face.

Once inside, the barely intelligible Warhogs send Catwoman and Thunderbooks through a gas shower to clean them of Under Realm contaminants.

Can they not see that she’s wearing a gas mask, goggles, and a skin tight leather suit? How do they think the gas is going to penetrate even her pores?

Even Catwoman seems unable to comprehend the amount of protection from gas she’s wearing as she proudly stands amongst the Warhogs at the end hoping to have earned some of their respect for making it through the gas. They don’t give it to her. So she calls them a “stupid boys’ club.” Please, Selina. You’ve lost any right to start attacking people for perceived gender biases.

The leader, a man with a Biohazard symbol tattooed over his right eye, actually begins to act civil to his guests when he realizes they’ve brought thirty furry cock muzzles for him. That would be what I imagine The Warhogs call goats. Furry Cock Muzzles.

The leader, whose son is named Rake but he hasn’t given his own name yet, gives Catwoman and Twinnerblocks a tour of The Bunker. It’s a place built to survive any kind of apocalypse a person could think of. Except maybe a severe case of mutated Goat Syphilis that goes airborne through semen-tainted goat farts. So with all of this end of the world shit going down, I suppose that whackjob security guard from last issue suddenly makes sense. Kind of. At least enough sense to warm up the readers as to where this story was headed.

I love Catwoman’s reaction to friendly bacteria. “WHAAAAAAAAAT?!” Your biological ignorance is showing, Selina. That’s what I call her boobs. Selina’s Biological Ignorance.

Catwoman shouldn’t worry too much about her own Biological Ignorance though because the leader of the Warhogs has enough of his own. His expertise is symbiotic viral mutations but now he’s working on symbiotic bacteria. I think he’s trying to make a virus that infects people with his symbiotic bacteria that proffers supreme resistance to contagions to the host organism. I hope I’m wrong though because having a virus pass along bacteria is like strapping a jet fighter to a paper airplane. Maybe. Who am I? Doctor Science Man?

Selina decides that she needs to stop this crazy person before he lets his virus loose on Gotham and I agree with her. He’s more likely to set loose that Airborne Goat Syphilis I was talking about than his Super Friendly Bacteria.

Meanwhile The Joker’s Daughter is wandering around with Ugly Cat pouting that she wasn’t invited to the wedding between Rape and Tenderbox. I suppose that’s why Catwoman mistrusts the Ugly Cat so much. Because it’s a Joker Cat. Although it has yet to be drawn ugly. I don’t think Rafa Sandoval reads the dialogue and I don’t think Ann Nocenti looks at the panels she adds the dialogue to. It’s a non-symbiotic relationship! There’s probably a sciency word for that! There’s probably also a sciency word for sciency!

Also, I think one of The Warhogs has been infected with THE ESCALATOR! But I could be wrong about that because I don’t really remember what happened to THE ESCALATOR! I think its host almost died so it wandered off to find a new one? I try not to allow too much horrible shit I’ve read to remain clogging space in the memory banks.

Hee hee. The entrance to The Nethers is a giant sphincter!

I believe the Joker’s Daughter is just some loony ass loony that discovered The Joker’s face floating around in The Nethers and decided to wear it and claim herself as his kin. I also believe that Ann Nocenti thinks she’s making the new hit character, Harley Quinn II! I also also believe that a better writer will eventually have The Joker simply kill The Joker’s Daughter to get his fucking face back.

Back in the Warhog’s Bunker, Rake and Tinderbox don’t get along very well because he’s a self-righteous twat and she had fire coming out of her head. The leader decides to call off the wedding but would still like to keep the peace somehow. But that’s when the Suvival Get-up Man recognizes Catwoman and starts trouble!

"She’s got the Goat Syphilis! Stop her!"

As if all Catwoman has to do is steal this one test tube full of toxin. I’m sure he has loads of the stuff in various forms and differing trials. Surely he wouldn’t keep his entire stash in one test tube where one random contamination could destroy his life’s work. Right? Why is this such a trope? If somebody develops some kind of biological weapon, it will usually be confined to one container that can easily be made off with.

By holding the toxin hostage, Catwoman and Tinderbox are allowed out of the Bunker. But it apparently means war between the tribes. Oh, big fucking deal. Just get the hell out of there Catwoman and let them war like they’ve been doing forever without even Batman noticing. I wonder if the Court of Owls gets sick of them stomping all over their underground labyrinths? I guess Catwoman hasn’t saved King Rat-tail yet but fuck him. The Joker’s Daughter probably already ate him. And speaking of The Joker’s Daughter!

I still don’t see it. How is that cat ugly?

Catwoman #23 Rating: No change. I get the feeling that this cover was meant for last issue. The cover this month should have been a herd of gas masked goats with Catwoman shepherding them along. I mean goatherding them! Sorry about that slip. I don’t want people to think I’m Speciesist.