I’m so happy Gotham has an underground. Because the surface wasn’t scary enough.
Where the fuck is Ugly Cat?! If Nocenti forgot about Ugly Cat already, I’m going to write her a letter that contains the word “cunt” forty-two times.
Before I really get started reading, I should also point out that this issue was co-plotted by Scott McDaniel. So it might make more sense! Although Nocenti still has script credit so I’m not jizzing in my pants or anything.
In fact, after reading the second page, I’m actively punching myself in the balls.
Every beat of this dialogue is crap. Crap I say!
Next Catwoman begins to wonder what a cat knows that she doesn’t know. Duh! Only, like, everything! You’re Catwoman! You know cats! If you’re following Ugly Cat because of what Ugly Cat is staring at, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Because I’m absolutely sure that Catwoman can’t cross from one dimension to another. Cats are constantly staring into other dimensions which is why they stare up at ceilings or through walls or at the arm of the chair for minutes on end.
After that, of course, is Catwoman not liking Ugly Cat because she doesn’t trust it and it follows her everywhere. I love cats but does that mean I trust them? Hell no! I look like a great big unripe Twinkie to them! Right now, my cat Judas is sitting on my lap simply because he wants Dibs on my juicy eyeballs when I die and wants to beat Pelafina to the tasty treats. Sure, he acts sweet. But I fucking know better.
And lastly, Tinkerbox making the giant leap in logic that Catwoman doesn’t trust much because she says she doesn’t trust one Ugly Cat. Maybe this is only ridiculous to me? Is this how regular people speak? Someone says, “I don’t drink milk.” And then the next person says, “You really hate cows, don’t you?” I suppose I’m being overly hyperbolic again. I should just be happy that Ugly Cat is still in this comic book.
Goats in gas masks! That’s got to be good for some rankings, right?
Now Catwoman is criticizing somebody for using her #1 Patented Attack, The Face Claw?
What the fuck is going on?! Are we, as comic book readers, absolutely, 100% positive that Ann Nocenti is a female writer?
Catwoman: (Hmm. She has a super fine ass! Perhaps a spanking will subdue her! And maybe some candles and incense! I wonder if I brought my satin sheets?)
Before Catwoman and Tenderbutts can break out the massage oils, The Warhogs attack! They must not have any females in the Warhog clan because they rape the goats first. Catwoman and Tinderbox almost make a clean getaway except Ugly Cat decides to stand and fight. Catwoman goes back to save him and then blames him on ruining their smooth getaway. Poor Ugly Cat. He was just sacrificing his life so they could get away and Catwoman decides to fuck up his moment and then criticize him for his actions. What a bitch.
Why would she “get back there” if she knows they’re going to do more than spank her? I guess Catwoman was listening when she heard Tenderbox wanted a husband that would abuse her.
Although I like the art, the panel layout and the plotting could use a lot of work. One panel, Catwoman and Tinderbox head into a deadend while the Warhogs are getting out a rope. The next panel, Tinderbox is tied up and Catwoman is still kicking Warhogs in the face while screaming, “They got us now, Tinderbox! Just relax. Let’s see how things play out inside the bunker.” Those are words of two prisoners trussed up and being dragged back to the enemy’s base. The next panel, Catwoman is still fighting while saying, “Let me do the talking.” Again, it’s as if they should be speaking under their breath as they’re carted off as prisoners. By the third panel, Catwoman is being overwhelmed and now she says, “Damn. We surrender, you grunts. What do I have to do, wave a white flag?” No but you should probably stop kicking them in the face.
Once inside, the barely intelligible Warhogs send Catwoman and Thunderbooks through a gas shower to clean them of Under Realm contaminants.
Can they not see that she’s wearing a gas mask, goggles, and a skin tight leather suit? How do they think the gas is going to penetrate even her pores?
The leader, a man with a Biohazard symbol tattooed over his right eye, actually begins to act civil to his guests when he realizes they’ve brought thirty furry cock muzzles for him. That would be what I imagine The Warhogs call goats. Furry Cock Muzzles.
The leader, whose son is named Rake but he hasn’t given his own name yet, gives Catwoman and Twinnerblocks a tour of The Bunker. It’s a place built to survive any kind of apocalypse a person could think of. Except maybe a severe case of mutated Goat Syphilis that goes airborne through semen-tainted goat farts. So with all of this end of the world shit going down, I suppose that whackjob security guard from last issue suddenly makes sense. Kind of. At least enough sense to warm up the readers as to where this story was headed.
I love Catwoman’s reaction to friendly bacteria. “WHAAAAAAAAAT?!” Your biological ignorance is showing, Selina. That’s what I call her boobs. Selina’s Biological Ignorance.
Selina decides that she needs to stop this crazy person before he lets his virus loose on Gotham and I agree with her. He’s more likely to set loose that Airborne Goat Syphilis I was talking about than his Super Friendly Bacteria.
Meanwhile The Joker’s Daughter is wandering around with Ugly Cat pouting that she wasn’t invited to the wedding between Rape and Tenderbox. I suppose that’s why Catwoman mistrusts the Ugly Cat so much. Because it’s a Joker Cat. Although it has yet to be drawn ugly. I don’t think Rafa Sandoval reads the dialogue and I don’t think Ann Nocenti looks at the panels she adds the dialogue to. It’s a non-symbiotic relationship! There’s probably a sciency word for that! There’s probably also a sciency word for sciency!
Also, I think one of The Warhogs has been infected with THE ESCALATOR! But I could be wrong about that because I don’t really remember what happened to THE ESCALATOR! I think its host almost died so it wandered off to find a new one? I try not to allow too much horrible shit I’ve read to remain clogging space in the memory banks.
Hee hee. The entrance to The Nethers is a giant sphincter!
Back in the Warhog’s Bunker, Rake and Tinderbox don’t get along very well because he’s a self-righteous twat and she had fire coming out of her head. The leader decides to call off the wedding but would still like to keep the peace somehow. But that’s when the Suvival Get-up Man recognizes Catwoman and starts trouble!
"She’s got the Goat Syphilis! Stop her!"
By holding the toxin hostage, Catwoman and Tinderbox are allowed out of the Bunker. But it apparently means war between the tribes. Oh, big fucking deal. Just get the hell out of there Catwoman and let them war like they’ve been doing forever without even Batman noticing. I wonder if the Court of Owls gets sick of them stomping all over their underground labyrinths? I guess Catwoman hasn’t saved King Rat-tail yet but fuck him. The Joker’s Daughter probably already ate him. And speaking of The Joker’s Daughter!
I still don’t see it. How is that cat ugly?