Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Your blog is a beautiful thing and I love seeing updates pop up almost every day! Question though, how come you don't read Batman Beyond Unlimited? Just curious since you get all the other Bat titles. PS-your icon from LazyTown is epic!

Wed, 22 May 2013 08:13:00 -0400

Thank you so much! I love getting feedback that paints my blog in a positive light!

When I first began this project, I was picking up the mini-serieses as well as the “Core New 52” books. Eventually I realized it’s just too much. So I decided to stick with just the books labeled “New 52”. I also currently read Saga although I’m a few issues behind. I’m trying to reread all of the old comic books in my collection although I’ve only barely started that. I’ve gotten through Shade the Changing Man and am reading Morrison’s Doom Patrol right now. I even have all the Before Watchmen books sitting here in a pile and have yet to read those. So no Batman Beyond Unlimited. I’m missing out on a lot of good reads and reading a lot of crap reads doing this blog. Eventually, I’ll catch up with the good stuff!

Oh, I’ve also continued reading Walking Dead and Fables during my time away from Comics (about 2003-The New 52).

And thanks! I did not do the Lazytown Avatar. I picked it up somewhere. But I flipping love that show. If I ever feel shitty, I just watch the video for Bing Bang and it picks me right up. Love the music in that crazy show.

Legion of Super-heroes #20

Wed, 22 May 2013 07:21:24 -0400

But he’s just a monstrous baby! I wonder what his first words will be?!

I don’t do a whole lot of photoshopping on the comics these days and when I do, I don’t usually point it out. I’m only pointing it out this time to say this: whenever an image is photoshopped here on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, I’m the one who did it. In some ways, I don’t use Tumblr correctly although if you’re reading this on Blogspot, I’m using that super correctly! Today I reblogged a quote by Bill Watterson because it was simply too reflective of the way I’ve lived my life to not repost it. Plus, Bill Watterson. Greatest comic strip comic ever. And that includes Charles Schultz and Berkeley Breathed. That isn’t to say those two guys weren’t also geniuses but to show how much of a genius genius Bill Watterson is. My point is that about 99.85% (I did the maths!) of this blog is written by me, photoshopped by me, and scanned by me. That doesn’t mean I’m claiming I do all the DC art and writing! Sheesh! Stop being such a devil’s advocate nerdgirl!

It’s probably also why I only have like 8 Followers and zero sugar parents.

Somehow the phrase “sugar parents” disturbed me and that led me to thinking about last Sunday’s Mad Men. While watching it, I actually said, “No wonder Don Draper is so screwed up!”, paused for a second, and then said, “Besides the dozens of other reasons!” Such a good show.

Speaking of good entertainment, I should read something besides Legion of Super-heroes! “Oh! Burnzinga!” he burned, speaking of bad entertainment like Legion of Super-heroes! Ha ha! Double burn!

Now I feel bad for overly criticizing the Legion of Super-heroes. I shouldn’t judge so harshly! They’re from the future. They don’t know how to entertain 21st Century audiences. All of their funtime punchlines are lost in a slew of future speak. Slew means vomit, right?

I hope the Emerald Empress is in this issue! I’d forgotten that I had developed a huge crush on her last issue. I guess that’s not much of a crush. In my defense, I did immediately get drunk after reading Legion of Super-heroes #19. So my brain cells tasked with the duty of remembering the crush didn’t stand a fucking chance.

This issue begins with Ultra One Hit Wonder Boy, Glorith, and Chameleonic Kid hanging out on Glorith’s homeworld. I think this world is one of those super fantasy type worlds where spells are better than technology and fairies are doctors and everybody lives in castles and men view women as their equals.

And people surf gigantic birds amongst the cities in the sky.

Meanwhile, Tiny Wazoo otherwise known as Phantom Girl is trying not to be crushed by the Promethean Giant’s giant promethean finger. She’s wondering why she suddenly can’t find Invisible Kid. She’s not very smart.

Although I maybe should apologize since after she wonders that, Invisible Kid is shown with Polar Boy as they wonder where the hell they’ve gone. So I guess they didn’t just turn invisible. It looks like Invisible Kid’s power has some kind of weird side-effect that occasionally takes his invisible ass into the Realm of the Dead where they meet some of their old, dead teammates.

Here they meet The Flatulent Corsair, Iron Butterface, and The Great Quadruple Belted Divide.

Teammate is a good word because all of the letters cancel each other out. Does anybody else do that regularly? Like when I’m walking into a store and see the words, “Store Entry.” My mind sorts the letters, removing those in pairs like a game of concentration, to arrive at another, leftover word. In this casy, “Sony.” In school, whenever a teacher passed out a ditto or worksheet, I would take a pen and begin crossing out letters that matched until I was left with a bunch of single letters. At least having lots of single letters didn’t cause me to break down or anything. I just felt like I scored horribly and hoped the next worksheet would be better.

Back on Witch World with Glorith and company, they arrive at The Black Witch’s castle. I don’t know anything about The Black Witch or Blok (though he seems familiar) or Glorith. But apparently The Black Witch has Mordru imprisoned on this world and the disaster befalling the world is threatening to free him. Since Mordru is Merlin’s rival and a magical magic man, I’m going to assume it’s the same Mordru just thousands of years later and in deep space. The Black Witch manages to free up some of her concentration to depress Glorith and her gang by showing them Sunboy’s empty costume and telling them she can’t feel Tiny Wazoo’s presence in the universe and, lastly, that Validus is currently eating out the chewy center of the world under their feet.

I’m pretty sure the 31st Century is fucked. It’s a good thing this can simply be relegated to Alternate Timeline Status!

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant where everyone is dying and the Legion is slandering the local sentients by calling them cannibals, it appears that Tharok himself was controlling the Promethean Giant. Which probably explains why the Giant kept poking holes in himself.

I don’t think any Legionnaires have died! Even Sun Boy probably still exists in heat radiation or something just as preposterous.

Back on Fantasy World, Validus has eaten his way to the center of the Earth and is about to sink his big old baby teeth into the Gem at the Heart of the World when The Whack Bitch appears with Ultra One Hit Wonder Boy, Crok, Glorithole, and Chameleon Kid. Even though Validus is possibly the angriest and most powerful creature in the 31st Century in DC’s Universe, he probably has a weakness when it comes to magic. That’s the thing about magic: it affects everyone. Especially when the writer needs it to.

But the two magic people don’t do anything but watch as first Ultra Boy THOOOMS Validus in the face with his Ultra Strength and then Blok THOOOMs Validus in the stomach with his Super Tackle. Meanwhile Validus just screams, “RRRAGHHH!” and “RRRAGHHH!” and…well, you get the fucking picture. He’s not talking at all.

Meanwhile Brainiac is trying to figure out the Fatal Five’s current roster. Tharok, The Persuader, Emerald Empress, Validus, and some mystery guy. I won’t even hazard a guess since I know more than nothing about the Legion of Super-heroes.

The battle against Validus takes a time traveling twist as the magic people finally get their act together and perform a grand illusion! The illusion transfers Validus to another place and time to float in deep space among the debris of a shattered world. It’s very possible that they sent him back in time so the regular New 52 people will have to deal with him. Also this is usually where I bitch about Flashpoint but the sake flowing through my veins has made me not care. Also, I don’t really know that Validus was transported through time; the Black Witch merely implies that that’s the case.

At the same moment, Ultra One Hit Wonder Boy and Chameleon Kid are transported back to Earth where they find the Persuader standing on top of Hormonal Growth Spurt Girl.

Legion of Super-heroes #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don’t know what it is but I’m kind of liking the Legion of Super-heroes right now. It could be the sake or some alteration in my brain chemistry, but it’s hitting me just right right now. Maybe I’m just feeling elated due to my crush on the Emerald Empress. It’s too bad she was encased in Inertron last issue. I miss her so much.

"Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a..."

Tue, 21 May 2013 17:58:35 -0400

“Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential-as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them.”

- Bill Watterson (via mikekarnell)

Red Hood and the Outlaws #20

Tue, 21 May 2013 08:21:06 -0400

Roy is pondering forgetting the last year with Lobdell as well.

I wonder if DC would be willing to put The New 52 on hiatus for a few months so I can take a break from comic book blogging! I try to do two issues a day to keep up and even that is a bit overwhelming. I’ve barely had any time to play Bioshock Infinite! I did a couple of half-assed internet searches to try to find someone else that is blogging about all of The New 52 books but didn’t come up with anything. But like I said, it was half-assed. When I first began this, there was another guy on Tumblr called Every Last Panel and he was reading everything DC was putting out and writing up short blogs with scans. But he simply stopped posting around Wonder Woman’s wedding in Hell and then disappeared from Tumblr altogether. So I guess I have to keep blogging so I can remember every comic I read from month to month. Dammit.

One thing’s for certain: I need to make these things much shorter. And probably less funny with a lot more dry, boring, intellectual asides about the actual possibilities of somebody swinging from a rope or creating boxing gloves out of green light. Oh! I know! I can stop beginning entries with random bullshit and just dive right into the comic book!

Jason Todd is super happy to have forgotten everything he’s ever experienced. Although I don’t know how happy he can be about forgetting when he can’t remember the things he wanted to forget. Isn’t he curious about what he’s forgotten? I would think he’d begin to wonder how his old memories could have been so bad and then he’d be curious what they were and then he’d want them back so he could know if he made the right decision! And then he’d get back the memories and he’d say, “Oh fuck. Yeah. That sucked.” And then he’d have them wiped again and start the whole process all over. I think erasing your memories only works if nobody tells you afterwords that your memories were erased. You could just suddenly begin anew and think, “Hey! What’s this?! Who am I? Where am I? Why do I know language after having just come into existence? And since I know language and concepts, I know I probably have existed for at least two decades before suddenly being aware of things which means I probably have amnesia! I wonder who I was? Maybe I should try to get my memories back!” Oh, hmm, that didn’t work either. I guess you’ll always want to get your memories back no matter what. Unless you’re just a shallow twat with no sense of curiosity! So it should actually work pretty well for Roy Harper.

Saru decides to give Starfire a glimpse of Jason Todd’s memories so they can sense why he would want to lose them. If Saru did that to someone with my memories, you’d just have memories of me eating cookies and masturbating (mostly at different times).

One of the memories Saru gives them a glimpse of is the night Roy and Jason first met.

Shouldn’t giving this memory to Roy cause some kind of strange recursive memory since Roy now has the memory from two points of view?

Roy points out that this was a good memory! Jason was making friends! Who wants to forget how to do that? Seriously! I wish I could remember how to do that! I haven’t made a new friend since elementary school! Well, not a real one, anyway. After third grade, I’ve simply just been faking it with everyone I meet. I mirror their emotions and it seems to all work out. I must be pretty good at faking it, though, since I was best man at my “friend” Doom Bunny’s wedding! Saru goes on to explain what happened after Jason and Roy met.

Oh shut up! That’s the stupidest thing anybody’s ever said! Every fucking event could have been said to have “started” after any other fucking event that preceded the first fucking event! Stupid bald fucker.

Saru then gives them another one of Jason’s memories where he couldn’t handle being an Assassin because it felt wrong. Oh boo hoo! You’re the one that wanted to discard all of Batman’s teachings. If Todd could still remember Batman, he’d remember that Batman is the most morally and ethically upstanding citizen of the world.

After Saru gets done handing out Jason Todd’s memories, he decides to go after Kori’s memories. So that Starfire won’t continue to be a totally shallow cum-dumpster, Saru points out that she actually feels too much! She’s been lying for twenty issues about how she can’t really connect with anyone unless their genitals are in her mouth. She actually, like Othello, loves too well! And she’s been keeping one memory secret even from herself. Saru figures it’s only fitting that she remember this memory since she’s taking the side of the debate, “Memories are Good.”

I was hoping it was going to be about Nightwing. But it doesn’t look like we’ll get much more than a taste!

Jason seems to be the only person to respect the old Jason because he seems to think whoever that old Jason was, he probably made this decision for a good reason. So new Jason is fine with having to begin again. Kori seems to be coming around but Speedy can’t let it go. I think Roy needs Jason to remember that he was a shitty sidekick just like Roy was so that they’ll have something to bond over.

His hat now says “DUNCE” for the 100% of people who can’t read it from he small scan and bleeding colors.

Saru kicks them out Once and For Acres of All and they wind up in the snow, Roy crying as if the girl he loved most in the world just told him she’d erased her memories and as if his best friend did feel something when he sucked his dick. It’s all very traumatic and dramatic and chromatic. But then it takes a turn for the monochromatic when Essence arrives!

Essence blathers on to her ghost mother Ducra and naked Saru about how this is the moment that started the events that led to their deaths! But she’ll change it, by gum! She’ll make sure they live! Because…well, I don’t know why. Because she’s in love with Jason Todd? I don’t really know why she thinks they need to be saved. Perhaps it’s the same feeling you’d have seeing a box of kittens slowly sinking into a like. You would have to do something! So you’d search around for a large rock to sink the box faster. Er, I mean, wade in and save them!

And then in Seattle, Green Arrow discovers a bounty on the heads of Starfire, Red Hood, and Speedy of 500 million dollars each. And he jumps into action to save them in the Annual!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Even though Jason Todd has lost his memories, it seems to be some kind of plan between Ducra and Saru to help him in the long run. Perhaps he’ll learn that hiding and running isn’t the best option and he’ll be more determined to face his past once he gets his memories back. And there was a minor hint about Starfire and Nightwing, so, in the immortal words of Jelyde, that’s got to be worth a point or two!

sortaawesome: thetaoofpaul: tessatechaitea: My Cabbage Patch...

Tue, 21 May 2013 07:38:12 -0400

sortaawesome:

thetaoofpaul:

tessatechaitea:

My Cabbage Patch Kids were cosplaying before you were born.

Secret Identities: Clement Woody and Jason Duane.

Outfits by my mother nearly thirty (holy shit) years ago.

These are awesome!

Jeff, I was just about to yell that someone ripped off your dolls…

Ha ha! Tumblr is so incestuous! That’s hilarious that you saw this through another blog.

Wonder Woman #20

Mon, 20 May 2013 18:30:24 -0400

I wonder when Wonder Woman is going to be about Wonder Woman?

I’m enjoying this comic book a lot but let’s not fool ourselves. This comic book is barely about Wonder Woman. It’s possible that’s why it works. Wonder Woman has been made interesting within the contexts of her decisions during this crisis of the gods. We see her belief in justice as she protects Zola’s baby. We see her strength and determination as she battles god after god. We see her compassion and love as she encounters others caught up in this mess that at first seem to be against her but she approaches with kindness and dignity. And we see her kick major ass when kicking major ass is the only option left. And apparently the main reason to kick ass is when a guy keeps hitting on you when you’ve told him you don’t date arrogant, misogynistic sons of ruthless cosmic dictators.

And the best part of this comic book? No Narration Boxing! The reader stays completely out of Wonder Woman’s head and it’s up to the reader to interpret Wonder Woman’s actions rather than having the author hand feed us her reasons behind all of her actions through the lazy ass Narration Box. Sure, they have their place and can help tell a fun story. But they’re like nitroglycerine. They’re very volatile if not handled correctly and they tend to blow up in most writers’ faces. Although they’re probably not as bad as in the Silver Age when a Narration Box would say, “Distracted, Lois Lane drove off of a cliff!” while the art showed Lois Lane driving off a cliff and Lois Lane’s though bubble said, “Oh no! I became distracted and suddenly drove off this cliff!” I get it! You don’t have to smash me over the head with the point of the panel! Lois as ADHD!

Currently on Olympus, Apollo is fretting over the prophecy. If only gods didn’t take prophecies so seriously, the prophecies would stop needing to be taken seriously! They’re always self-fulfilling! None of them would ever come to pass if some manipulative oracle didn’t spout the prophecy in the first place. Perhaps gods look at it a different way. If a god didn’t take any action, the prophecy would happen a different way. But since a prophecy is a prophecy is a prophecy, it simply doesn’t matter what happens because it will come true. So the god takes action in a futile attempt to change the future. And he changes the future but he only manages to make the prophecy come about in a different way. I think that’s how I’m supposed to view the whole prophecy bullshit. But it just seems like the gods are manipulated by these things into making them actually happen. And Apollo is trying his best to figure out how to keep the prophecy from coming true. How about trying to do nothing? No? Not an option?

Ugh. I think the pool on Olympus could use a little more chlorine.

Back in London, Artemis has arrived to kill Zeke. She’d rather have Wonder Woman do it since Wonder Woman promised but she doesn’t exactly bring the best evidence that Zeke is actually the child of the prophecy. Her evidence is that a few people hanging about the pool on Olympus sort of came to a conclusion that Zeke was the problem. Wonder Woman decides she’s going to need to see some more proof and tackles Moon out of the window. I’m sure this fight won’t last too long before The First Born steps in and everybody needs to work together to defeat him.

Moon makes a comment that Wonder Woman’s bracelets suppress her power. That’s interesting and makes sense if Diana wants to live among people and not accidentally crush babies when holding them or rip off Steve Trevor’s dick in the throes of passion. So does she keep her bracelets on while having sex like an old man and his socks? They probably turn invisible, right? Or, more likely, I’m simply misinterpreting what Artemis just said.

If I remember correctly, Lennox tried to leave the group last issue. But he’s come back to protect Zeke in the chaos and destruction brought about by Artemis attacking Wonder Woman. He leads the humans (including Hera now! Ha ha!) to safety into the London Underground. War remains behind to watch the battle and finish his lager.

The fight doesn’t last very long.

War stops Diana from killing Artemis. He takes Moon back to Olympus while Wonder Woman rushes off to find Zeke and the girls before The First Born does. Although Wonder Woman doesn’t know about the First Born. Nobody does except Poseidon, really. Which is why Poseidon is on Olympus. He’s letting everybody know that the baby is the least of their worries.

Wonder Woman fails at finding Zeke first.

I believe Cassandra is the last of Wonder Woman’s 20th century half-siblings. The others are Lennox, Wesley Willis, and Sirocca. I think there may have been a couple others but they’ve been killed. Unless Cassandra was one of those that Lennox thought was dead since it appears he tried very hard to kill her. I don’t know what her power is but if she’s named Cassandra, it probably has something to do with seeing the future. Or maybe people just never listen to her.

Apparently she could command people to do whatever she wanted with her “voice of god” power. Lennox tore out her throat and she lost the power. I guess people just don’t take your voice commands seriously when you sound like an old Apple voice digitizer. Lennox decides it’s a good idea to fight the First Born because fighting is pretty much his only tactic. I imagine he’s going to get his ass killed before Wonder Woman can arrive to save the rest of them. That would be too bad for Wonder Girl (who must have been named after her aunt) since she’s not met her real father yet.

Wonder Woman #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if Zeus will be able to transform from a baby into a man instantaneously? He’s probably just waiting around as Zeke until somebody else takes care of the First Born problem. Then he’ll come back, smack Apollo around a little bit before kicking him out of Olympus, and give his wife back her immortality. And then maybe Wonder Woman will go on a few dates or something. Maybe hit up a taco truck and just relax.

"After a conversation I had on Facebook this morning, I feel the need to go write some really..."

Mon, 20 May 2013 16:39:33 -0400

“After a conversation I had on Facebook this morning, I feel the need to go write some really horrible fanfic where I ship Willy Wonka with Mary Poppins. They’re my two most favoritest people in the world and even though I also love Bert, he’d have to go. He’d be found dead in the park in a hard, candy shell with lots of tiny footprints surrounding his corpse in the mud. Scotland Yard would send out their crime scene specialists who would discover all sorts of strange, alien DNA at the scene. I’m pretty sure that’s as far as the investigation would go because Willy Wonka is a rich bastard and Bert is just a lower class chimney sweep, so Scotland Yard would bury the case and forget about it. Meanwhile Mary Poppins and Willy Wonka would be fucked up on Spoonfuls of Sugar and fucking like maniacs in a chocolate river.”

- Tess Ate Chai Tea, Master Comic Book Reader and Dancing, Singing Orange Penguin.

Supergirl #20

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:05:27 -0400

Power Girl was so upset her boobs weren’t the focal point of last issue’s cover, she killed Supergirl to claim focal boobage. Perhaps it was meant to distract people from noticing Michael Alan Nelson’s name was spelled wrong.

This is the third issue in a row to have a different writer. That can’t bode well for the comic, can it? Perhaps the editors are simply telling the writers what they need to write which is why the writers aren’t hanging around because who needs a stupid editor telling you what to write when they’re job title is “editor” and not “writer”? Editors are jerks! They’re just Fuddyduddies that rain on parades and refer to ‘artistic expression’ as ‘grammar errors.’

Last issue, the Fortress of Sanctuary decided that either Kara or Karen was a clone and thus it had to destroy them both. Better safe than allowing a disgusting, nasty clone to live so it can steal a normal Kryptonian’s job. According to the cover, boobs. I mean, Kara is going to be killed! So then will Power Girl take over as the new Supergirl? That’s probably exactly what’s going to happen.

My initial reaction to the first page was “Love Mahmud’s art!” The I thought, “Sanctuay is an annoying bitch.” But by the end of the page, I was totally, “I think I like Sanctuary!”

While Kara and Kara engage in some truly adorable conversation regarding age, uniforms, and manners, Sanctuary decides to scan them to determine which one of them is a clone.

Oh my god! Mahmud Asrar is going to kill me with Kara’s adorableness!

While Sanctuary tries to convince Kara to throw herself into the matter reduction room, Supergirl tries to puzzle out why she might be giving off clone vibes. She probably caught something from kissing that nuisance H’el. He had clone smell all over him since he made no sense as a Kryptonian. Although even if he were a clone, that doesn’t explain his super set of powers either.

Supergirl argues with Power Girl because she’s not sure she can trust her anymore. Something happened to give her Clone Face and if it wasn’t Power Girl, who could it have been? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe H’el. Maybe Stupid Lava Girl. Maybe Superman. Maybe Lex Luthor. Maybe Simon the Butler Statue. There are a lot of possibilities! The arguing takes long enough that Sanctuary finally decides to stop politely asking Kara to die and sends in the death robots. It also kicks Power Girl out of the front door and into the bottom of the ocean.

Even Sanctuary was taken in by his cleanly shaved upper pubic area.

Something is obviously wrong with Sanctuary. Perhaps it picked up a virus from Simon the Butler Statue. Or maybe it has ~~Space~~ Deep Sea Madness. Didn’t somebody in that novel The Sphere get deep sea madness? That means it’s a real thing, right? Perhaps it’s simply that The Fortress of Sanctuary is controlled by a Brainiac AI and everybody knows that Brainiac AIs are complete assholes. That’s why the name is a combination of BRAIN and MANIAC.

Supergirl has Power Girl freeze the Fortress of Sanctuary with her Super Cold Breath and then Supergirl does a silent FWAAASH of incredibly hot power to shatter the building. I can’t believe Supergirl would destroy her Fortress of Sanctuary just to stay alive. And what’s going to happen to Simon the Butler Statue?! I bet he gets free because of this.

After the destruction, Supergirl and Power Girl wind up in space to watch the sun rise. Or set. And then The Fortress of Sanctuary’s Brainiac AI reforms on the ocean floor to politely hunt down Supergirl once more. I think Michael Alan Nelson didn’t pay close enough attention to this series to realize he just destroyed Simon the Evil Butler Statue.

Supergirl #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this comic book mostly for Power Girl and Supergirl’s conversation with each other. The Fortress of Sanctuary’s demented Brainiac AI going Full HAL was reasonably entertaining as well. My guess is that it didn’t much matter whether Kara had Clone Taint on her or not. The Brainiac AI just went nuts and decided it preferred the older, more physically endowed Supergirl. But now that the Fortress of Sanctuary has been destroyed, I guess Kara will be crashing with Kal-el. I’d suggest she crash with Karen Starr but I think her island has been destroyed by Desaad so Karen’s going to need a place to crash too! I think Huntress probably has a studio apartment in Gotham they can share.

Sword of Sorcery #8

Sun, 19 May 2013 22:29:58 -0400

Eclipso knows how to satisfy the ladies!

Here’s the secret to writing: don’t give a shit what anybody thinks! There might be some other secrets as well. Like exaggerate as much as possible. And maybe create unlikable characters that people really like to dislike. Also always tell the truth when lying as much as possible. That one is pretty important. Never letting your spouse or parents or children or siblings read what you write helps you to be more truthful, so don’t show anybody you care about. If they tell you it’s good, you won’t believe them and if they tell you it sucks, they’re assholes. Also, you’re probably writing nasty things about them because writing is a good way to get negative shit off of your chest and you probably don’t want your husband reading about how much you hate it when he scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers.

Here’s the secret to writing that everybody always tells so it’s not actually a secret: if you want to write, write. As a Reader, you might think that’s the worst advice you’ve ever heard! But boy howdy is it good advice since Writers are fucking lazy assholes! Seriously! They want to make a living out of simply spewing imaginary pablum from our imaginations? Really?! Go build something, you lazy twat!

Actually, Writers are very busy and industrious, so that previous paragraph was one of those exaggerating lies of truth I mentioned. You’ll never see a cleaner house than the house of a Writer avoiding writing!

If you want to read one of the greatest books about Writing while at the same time reading a lot of pretty good pornography, you should read Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata. You know something I forget to do all of the time? Put titles of things in italics. That’s because I use quotation marks so much due to referencing comic book issue titles and also because I’m an idiot who hates remembering stylistic norms. There might be better books about Writing out there but I guarantee they won’t have any porn in them.

You know what other book probably doesn’t have any porn in it? Sword of Sorcery! It even lacks the stereotypical chainmail bikinis and barely covered sorceresses and oiled up barbarians in loincloths with their wangs hanging out. I bet nobody in Fantasy Worlds was ever having sex due to all the chafed, pinched, bruised, and battered genitalia.

Meanwhile on Gemworld, I believe these two panels sum up the action decently enough since I wasted all of my summing up paragraphs with bullshit.

I don’t think this is his work but I saw Travis Moore in the art credits with Aaron Lopresti and John Livesay and I remember really hoping to see more of his work last time I saw his name in Sword of Sorcery #4. Look at me with the research instead of just saying “last time in whatever fucking comic book he drew.”

Lady Akikra gathers up the small force of heroes needed to defeat the great big evil. I mentioned last time that this was a fantasy book and that we all needed the common fantasy tropes and clichés or we wouldn’t understand it! The group consists of those with the Blood Power of a Gem House behind them or else they would easily be taken over by Eclipso’s Mind-Eclipse-Hypno Power. I wish he’d name that power already! Maybe he just calls it “eclipsing.” That makes sense. The new Lord Turquoise has some misgivings about bringing Amy’s fight instructor along.

My guess is two-story Colonial!

Eclipso begins the battle which is over in three seconds as he eclipses the entirety of Lady Mordiel’s Amethyst Army. Eclipso believes he can win because the power of House Amethyst is split between three women. But if he kills any of those women, the power will begin to consolidate. So my guess is that he’s looking to capture them alive. My other guess is where the fuck is Amethyst’s father’s ghost? Oh, that wasn’t a guess. That was a question. Anyway, where is he?!

The heroes arrive through one of Lady Akikra’s portals which seems somehow anticlimactic. Shouldn’t there have been six hundred pages of journeying and battling smaller foes and girding loins and losing faith and regaining faith and pressing on and never giving in? These heroes have it easy! Luckily Amy was able to come up with a plan on the nearly instantaneous journey to confront their foe. I bet it has something to do with holding hands and love! Although I hope it has more to do with stabbing people in the face and love.

Oh, I’m so dumb! Of course the plan revolves around the burglar!

And then I read the page where the plan is put into action and I think, “Wait. Why did that just happen?” So I read it again. And then again. And then I remember that House Turquoise has the power of disguise and it all made sense. That’s how us old people consume media. Just check your parents’ or grandparents’ remote controls and you’ll notice the rewind button is a little more worn than the rest of them.

“What just happened? Who was that guy? Why did he attack her? That didn’t make no sense nohow, showing that scene in the middle of the battle! Why, it’s got ta mean somethin’! What am I missin’? Where are my spectacles?”

Once Amy gets the Black Diamond, she signals her mother and her aunt to turn the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem on her so she can catalyze the whatsit to the something or other and end Eclipso’s reign once and for all!

I was hoping the plan would go off without a hitch for once but it’s a fantasy story and a comic book, so what was the likelihood of that?! Eclipso eye lasers the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem, destroying it and collapsing it on Lady Mordiel and Amethyst’s mother. Then Eclipso presses his attack against Amethyst, shattering her magic sword and grasping her by the throat. If there was ever a time for a cliffhanger, this would be it!

But this comic doesn’t have much life left in it, so it has to get one with things. Lady Graciel and Lady Mordiel transfer their powers to Lass Amaya. She breaks free from Eclipso and powers up! Now she should just shove the Black Diamond down Eclipso’s throat and banish him into it, thus forcing him into a recursion that will spiral into a wisp of nothingness.

Enh. Close enough! Back into the Black Diamond with you, Ejerko!

The Black Diamond poits out of existence but everybody knows better. Eclipso’s prison is still around somewhere and it must be found before the next eclipse or he’ll escape. Perhaps it was taken by the ghost of Amaya’s father! Princess Amaya and her mother and her aunt and all the Lords of the Gemstone Houses and her battle trainer all lived happily ever after. For at least five months, anyway, since that’s when the next eclipse has been scheduled.

Sword of Sorcery #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I take it this was the final issue! It wrapped up well and I’m sad to see it go. I guess it just didn’t have enough Batman in it.

vivvav replied to your quote: My body would be so...

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:26:00 -0400

vivvav replied to your quote: My body would be so incredibly fit right now if…

Except the amount of cookies you eat IS related to how fit you are, just not in a positive way.

I don’t have time to respond to this because I need to begin my workout now. *munch munch munch*

"My body would be so incredibly fit right now if fitness were directly related to how many cookies..."

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:58:56 -0400

“My body would be so incredibly fit right now if fitness were directly related to how many cookies you eat.”

- Tess Ate Chai Tea!, Master Comic Book Reader and Snackersizer.

"Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. That’s just fucking terrific. This is why I..."

Sun, 19 May 2013 20:55:35 -0400

“Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. That’s just fucking terrific. This is why I never allow anybody to do anything for me that might possibly constitute a favor! Wait, that’s not true. I let people do stuff for me all of the time. But I’ve cultivated a sophisticated tactic of never, ever repaying anybody for anything so that they know better than to expect that I’ll help them out with any of their problems. It makes life so much easier. For me!”

- Tess Ate Chai Tea!, Master Comic Book Reader and Freeloading Dickface.

Nightwing #20

Sun, 19 May 2013 06:23:16 -0400

The Prankster uses a special kind of electricity that doesn’t shine any light.

Dick Grayson is in Chicago trying to find Tony Zucco, the man that killed his parents. He’s also the man inadvertently responsible for him becoming Nightwing, if you’re one of those weirdos that tries to see the positive in everything. He’s renting out a room in some crappy little apartment. But at least it includes furnishings and a half-naked woman. But then again, if you’re a normal person that always knows things are worse than they appear, you won’t be surprised that the half-naked woman has a bat and can’t wait to use it.

Look, I didn’t get much sleep last night. So think up your own Batwoman and/or Dick joke here.

Dick sure meets a lot of cute women. But does he ever meet in normal women? I think Sonia was the only normal woman he’s met in a long while and she turned out to be the daughter of the man that murdered his parents. And by that record, my guess is this new girl that he’s rooming with is The Prankster.

Oh look! She knows all about computer whatsits just like The Prankster does!

There’s also a panel with Dick saying, “I’m just happy there’s no bat.” I hope nobody takes that moment in time out of context and shows it to Batman! His feelings might be hurt. Ha ha! Batman having feelings! That’s a good one.

Nightwing continues to search for Tony Zucco by crouch jumping around Chicago’s skyline. Meanwhile Tony Zucco is cowering in the mayor’s office worried he’s going to have to fake his own death again and lose his new family now that Nightwing’s on his trail.

Nightwing meets up with his informant Johnny Spade to learn about Zucco’s location. But to get the information from this rat, Nightwing has to win a game of cards. So far in the Reboot, DC has shown a piss poor understanding of poker. I guess it’s time to find out if Kyle Higgins is any better.

I would expect Nightwing to prefer the term “card sharp.” Card Shark just sounds like another Gotham City Looney.

Kyle Higgins doesn’t even bother to show the game since Nightwing doesn’t play the cards. He’s all about reading his opponent. A short time passed between panels and Johnny Spade is dishing dirt. Spade didn’t find out anything about Zucco but he realized there was somebody in Chicago that could probably trace the dead-end email Nightwing had: The Prankster. So Spade found out where The Prankster would be that night and Nightwing goes to battle his roommate but in costume this time.

Okay, maybe it isn’t his roommate. Maybe he’ll use his roommate’s hacker abilities to find The Prankster. But come on! This is a comic book! So it’s probably Joey his roommate!

The Prankster has blinded Nightwing by hacking his heads up display on his domino mask goggles. The Prankster manages to knock Nightwing into a closed glass container with a flame. It’s a backdraft exhibit in the science museum. To escape, Nightwing must open one of two hatches. One will fill the chamber with oxygen and burn Nightwing to death. The other will allow him freedom. But he needs to remove his mask to pick the right hatch. And The Prankster is waiting outside with a camera.

Nightwing #20 Rating: No change. I’m sorry, Nightwing. I couldn’t concentrate very well on your comic book tonight because I’m having work and car troubles. Which means I need to get up and actually do things during the day tomorrow. I hate doing work related stuff during the day and I’m nervous my car has an electrical short instead of just an old dead battery (I know it has an old dead battery! I’m just hoping it’s not more!) and so my stomach is all upset and nervous because anything that changes up my normal routine freaks me out a bit. So this comic book might have been better than it was. It also might have been worse! I’m just too distracted right now for comics.

Hi. Not sure how to start this off so I'll just come out with it - I love what you're doing here. I read a lot of your reviews, even the ones for books I don't follow. (I'm actually debating picking up Nightwing based on your stuff.) They're interesting, they're fun, and I really enjoy your writing style. Anyway. Sorry about the unsolicited "OMG, you are, like, so great!" note in the ol' Tumblr askhole. I shall slink off to my corner of the internet now.

Sun, 19 May 2013 00:10:52 -0400

OMG! Pick up Nightwing! I’m actually considering picking up Preboot Nightwing stuff simply because his character has grown into such a neat person. From a guy I really couldn’t stand leading the Titans decades ago to one of the most mature heroes out there!

Oh, and thank you! I always enjoy unsolicited stuff in my askhole!

My Cabbage Patch Kids were cosplaying before you were...

Sat, 18 May 2013 20:29:17 -0400

My Cabbage Patch Kids were cosplaying before you were born.

Secret Identities: Clement Woody and Jason Duane.

Outfits by my mother nearly thirty (holy shit) years ago.

Vibe #4

Sat, 18 May 2013 07:16:50 -0400

How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you’ve never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!

Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it’s about time but he’s actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he’ll run into Batman as he’s investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they’ll both be investigating the JLA when they they walk backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.

The issue begins with Agent Gunn’s wife starting an argument.

Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?

Casey has no idea what he’s arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he’s at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super ~~villains~~ heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you’re going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You’re in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.

Meanwhile I forgot that someone in a strange blue and gold costume had infiltrated Vibe’s inner sanctum. That’s his bedroom. And he’s got half a message to deliver to Vibe and by gum he’s going to deliver it!

Success!

Meanwhile Gypsy is busy gathering her super hero uniform and helping the homeless and recovering spilled popcorn. She seems like a very sweet interdimensional devil warrior. Too bad A.R.G.U.S. and Vibe are going to hunt her down and bring her to justice! That’ll teach her to try to better her life in another dimension without all of the proper paper work. How dare she take jobs from Prime Dimensionalists! Just because she has a good attitude and a hard work ethic doesn’t mean she should be allowed to earn Prime Dimensional Currency! Go back where you came from, you shape-shifting Breachie!

Oh, I once wrote a comic book about aliens coming to America! I’m linking to it instead of posting it here because the font probably won’t be readable when I reduce it to 620 pixels. But I assure you that I wrote at least half the shit over there at No Apologies! Press! I’m The Red Lizard King in the Editorials section and I also wrote Dwarflover, Superball!, True American History, Quasi-Thinking (which would be a terrific Tumblr site), Sci-fi Tales, Movie Reviews, and co-wrote Reading Rainbow Outtakes, Future Retard, and Crazy Asian Drinks. The majority of Grunion Guy’s stories are posted there as well. But enough about the past, eh? Especially when I didn’t provide links to each bit. Like anybody is going to do a few clicks worth of work to read any of that old shit. That stuff is ancient history! Over a decade old! Holy fuck I’ve been writing shit on the internet for a Goddamn long time.

I really like the first one didn’t take line. It just says so much about Gunn’s life in such a minimal amount of space. Beautifully subtle, really. In that way that isn’t too subtle so that only a few readers get it. It’s there for everyone but it doesn’t bash anybody over the head with a long explication of his time trying to pass. Plus it leaves us with the knowledge that he has a, probably interesting, story to tell.

So Vibe is off to find Gypsy now. I really don’t think those two should work together ever again. I mean, Vibe is already working with Martian Manhunter! Now you’re going to throw Gypsy in the mix? What next? Steel and Vixen? Disaster!

The crowd is restless and obviously anti-American the way they keep screaming about how they have rights and shit. Don’t they realize the government is just trying to keep them safe by keeping them confined? Sheesh! You want to live until your liver gives out, right people? Then give up your stupid freedoms already so that you can feel safer! Geez. Trouble makers.

Vibe gives chase to Gypsy until he’s kicked in the face by Batman. Uh oh! I think the Justice League may have gotten wind of Amanda Waller’s stupid plan to kill them.

Except Batman is really Gypsy! Oh man! She’s so tricky! But shouldn’t she get a new name? I mean, really? Gypsy? Isn’t that a little derogatory? Why not Spic? Or Kike? Or Nigger? Or Cunt? Or Honky? Or…man. Honky! Why can’t we think up a good derogatory slang word for white men? You know why? Because they’ve usually been raised in a culture that teaches them they have all the power and everybody else is inferior. So there’s no real stigma attached to the word. Unless you’re someone like my high school friend Soy Rakelson who was constantly upset when white men were the butt of jokes or the punching bags in essays. He’d flip out and wonder why that wasn’t discrimination or why people weren’t protesting that piece of writing. Man. He had issues. Oh! I think calling white people racist is the best derogatory term you can come up with. Especially if they aren’t! Boy, they turn red and sputter and go into a death spiral of verbiage as they try to defend themselves against the claim. The Honky half of me doesn’t give a shit about being called anything but the Spic half of me will fucking gut you if you degrade my Spanish ancestors! And let’s not even get into sexual orientation! Heterosexual with Continuous Bouts of Narcissistic Self-Love and College Experimental Tendencies.

I bet the name “Gypsy” was simply less offensive than everything I wrote after bringing that up! For the record, I think football teams with Native American mascots are bullshit. Fuck everyone who thinks that’s okay.

Looks like Vibe isn’t going to be in the JLA for very long.

By collapsing the ceiling on A.R.G.U.S., Vibe gets a moment to speak privately to Gypsy. He discovers that she was left behind as her tribe moved through this dimension and she simply wants to find a way home to her family. Vibe believes her because she’s a pretty girl.

Agent Gunn is getting to know Vibe and he realizes Vibe probably just needs to be talked to about Gypsy and what letting her go could mean. But Amanda is a cold-hearted bitch that wants things done her way no matter what may be wrong or right. Fuck reality. Amanda Waller writes reality, bitches. So she calls up her other team to take care of this mess and capture Vibe and Gypsy alive.

This may be my favorite moment with the Suicide Squad so far in the entire New 52!

Vibe #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and interesting and I like where things are headed. I apologize to Sterling Gates for continuously calling him a crappy writer. Obviously he was merely writing down to Rob Liefeld’s artistic level. Man, that’s the worst apology in the world because now I need to apologize to Rob Liefeld too! Fuck that! Once he (or someone in his camp) claimed he was basically as important as Jack Kirby to the world of comics, I was done with him. Just because you created a lot of characters that were exactly alike with no personality whatsoever and all had names like Blooddeath and Deathspew and Killalot and Deathkill and Bloodflow and Deadborn and Smashkill, it doesn’t mean you were an amazing creator. And just because you created a character like Deadpool, it doesn’t mean you “created” the character! You made a shitty character that other people turned into a hilarious anti-hero. It’s kind of like Giffen creating Lobo. The potential may have been there but not until Alan Grant got his grubby little mind on him did the character turn into something hilarious and fantastic. Of course he became an overused punching bag soon after that, but that doesn’t erase the peak of his career.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was this: I’m sorry for putting down your writing so often, Mr. Gates. I’m very much enjoying Vibe and it’s apparent you know what you’re doing. Congratulations!

"So Geoff Johns is already off Vibe. I realized he was only on the thing to give it a bit of a jump..."

Sat, 18 May 2013 05:51:37 -0400

“So Geoff Johns is already off Vibe. I realized he was only on the thing to give it a bit of a jump start and then he was going to move on to give a monthly title to the next big DC loser that nobody would ever want to see in a monthly title. Taking over for writing duties is Sterling Gates. The only other thing I’ve read by Gates is The New 52 Hawk and Dove which was just awful. Although Sterling Gates assured me it was meant to be that way.”

- Tess Ate Chai Tea, Master Comic Book Reader and Mean-spirited Shitheel.

Batgirl #20

Sat, 18 May 2013 05:41:26 -0400

Thanks a lot, Gail and Daniel. Now people are going to cosplay this Ventriloquist and I’m going to continuously be running and screaming through every convention I go to.

Let me guess: Alysia is going to play Hitori Kakurenbo and unleash this horror on Gotham? That would actually be a pretty good origin story for a horrible supernatural villain.

Also, Batgirl no longer has a diary because I was tired of writing Batgirl’s diary. Sure, it was easier than actually commenting on the quality of the story. But I let it go for at least five issues longer than I wanted to. I should just start up my own diary.

Dear Diary,

Today I ate a whole box of Oreos. There was little time for anything else. Talk to you tomorrow!

Love,
Tess Ate Chai Tea

The issue begins nine years ago in the creepiest part of Gotham: the suburbs.

Happy Byrthday? Is there some kind of discriminatory association with having an “I” in “birthday”?! Was it too egocentric with the “I”?

Here we see kids being assholes.

And here we see what happens when you allow your kid to be an asshole. It’s called comeuppance! And it’s just kids being kids, right, all those who excuse bullying?

Here’s the problem with bullying: bullying is all about power. So kids tend to exert the little power they have over kids with even less power. Eventually, a kid with less power will find a way to get that power back. Sometimes it’s suicide. Sometimes it’s murder. Most of the time, you lucky bullies, it’s simply throwing some wild punches and kicks and standing up to the people making your life miserable. But eventually something is going to snap. And when it snaps and blood flows, everybody needs to realize that the victim was not the cause of the violence. The problem can’t be fixed by telling kids with no power to buck up and try to get along. I think every school needs to hire a Slapper. This is a person who just goes around slapping kids really hard in the face whenever they treat other kids like dicks. I’m pretty sure that will cure the problem!

Sure, sure. We’ll occasionally lose a Slapper here or there to retaliatory gun violence but at least they’d be adults assuming the risk by signing very explicit contracts that remove the liability of their deaths from all parties involved!

If you disagree with me, I am so going to give you a chocolate swirlie and an atomic wedgie.

Shauna eventually gets picked up by her parents after all the other girls get super mysteriously sick. Also, she winds up with Ferdie the Puppet. It has some tomato juice on its face so Rainbow Rodney probably didn’t want it any more because it was ruined. She seems like a really sweet girl!

Back in the present, Barbara Gordon rushes to her psychologist because she’s having an attack of hysteria from her ovaries. She’s all, “I can’t be that person I can’t tell you about anymore!” And the psychologist is all, “I’m billing you triple time for this unscheduled visit.” And Barbara sobs, “I’m an evil cow!” It’s all very dramatic.

I don’t know how seeing a psychologist can help Barbara with her Batgirl problems when she can only speak in innuendo and half-truths. She should just stick to talking about life out of her wheelchair and how hard that transition has been. Batman should let her use Alfred for her superhero psychological tune-ups. I’m pretty sure he has a tea that can calm her down. Also, Alfred would be very sympathetic to Barbara about her killing a big fat jerky asshole. Alfred gives no fucks about killing people who deserve it. That’s Batman’s trip!

Upset about the fight she had with her brother, Batgirl hits the night looking to smash something.

Meanwhile, Shauna, dressed in her finest raggedy slip, and her cock-gobbling puppet Ferdie were busy trying to become Gotham Stars!

Hmm. I just assumed the puppet was gay.

The judges decide Shauna is the horrible at her ventriloquism and try to kick her off the stage. But Ferdie decides he should murder one of the judges before leaving. So, you know, that’s what he does. And he kidnaps the judge he’s got a puppet sized erection for. I guess I could have made a wood joke there but that joke is older than the joke where you say something is older than something.

I really hope this puppet isn’t anatomically correct.

Batgirl is outside and guesses something isn’t quite right. That puppet probably shouldn’t be strangling that lady! So after thinking about how she has a date tomorrow night with one-legged Rick the car thief, she sneaks on after The Ventriloquist.

Batgirl confronts The Ventriloquist and quickly discovers that she has more talents than making puppets talk. Wait. Is that really a talent? I talk to shit all the time! Cupcakes. Cats. Computer games. And yes, I make them talk back! Since I usually do it alone, I don’t care if my lips move or not. I guess that must be the secret to people somehow being amazed that you’re having a conversation with an inanimate object. The Ventriloquist’s other power seems to be some form of telekinesis. She freezes Batgirl’s batarang in midair and returns it to Batgirl’s skull. And then the scariest moment of Barbara’s life happens.

Fuck this puppet shit. I’m out.

So then the comic book ends somehow. Does somebody want to read it to me?

Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener: “I’ll read it to you!”
Me: “Are you sure you won’t be too frightened, Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener?”
Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener: “Not with my friends Reach Mint Waxed Floss and Mr. Holy Bible at my side! We can be brave!”
Me: “Well, I’d sure appreciate that!”
Empty Sake Cup: “*hic* I’s gots then read da finaltemate pagagiman, ‘kay?”
Me: “Um. Hunh? Why don’t we just take a little trip to the sink, hunh, Mr. Cup?”
Empty Sake Cup: “Florgiglmkl!”
Me: “Um, I’ll be right back.”
The Holy Bible: “As-salam alaykum!”

As read to me by Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener:

“Okay, are you ready? Because the next part is really scary! The little puppet almost puts its big, fat drill right in Batgirl’s eye! Mmm. It’s terribly sexy. I’ve got the perfect size hole for that drill! Hee hee hee. Hey, can we take a break while you sharpen a pencil in me? It’s been a long time since you’ve put your pencil in me. Come on! Fill me with your wood shavings! Shove your pencil in my hole! Turn my crank! Make it a number two, if you have one!”

Umm. I think I’ll read the comic on my own now.

Oh, now that’s just inappropriate! Especially since I think I already maxed out my comfortable amount of misogynistic remarks that I can still hand wave away as just being silly!

Knightfall’s security arrives since the fight is happening in Knightfall’s parking garage. The Ventriloquist uses her most secret special power to make the judge say that Batgirl was the kidnapper. As the good guys fight amongst themselves, The Ventriloquist and Ferdie make their escape. And that’s where Barbara ends her story to the psychologist. Although the story she was telling the psychologist probably didn’t mention the devil puppet and the leather costume and the flying kicks and the puppet drills.

Barbara Gordon suddenly remembers that she never forgets anything! She saw all the license plates in the parking garage and realizes one of them must be owned by the puppet. She’ll track that little bastard down yet! Although I suppose she could also hit the streets and ask if anybody has seen a horrible little devil puppet with drills in the palms of its hands. That seems like something people should remember.

But Batgirl might not have to rely on her own smarts anyway! Because the puppet wants a piece of her! And I don’t mean that in a sexual way. I don’t think. I think he means it in a murdery way.

Yep, yep. Definitely a murdery way.

And finally, Commissioner Gordon is on the hunt for Batgirl’s head. Which means there was no Alysia. Stupid comic book.

Batgirl #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This Batgirl villain mirrors Batgirl because she has never really fit in. She was odd and ostracized and was determined that justice should win out. Of course, Barbara’s version of justice she learned from her father. And that was the law kind. Until Batman undermined her sense of justice and taught her that justice wasn’t about the law at all! Shauna’s sense of justice was simply making people who did mean things feel bad. And by feel bad, I mean dead. So her version of justice (except for the dead part) is pretty close to Batman’s version of justice where he really likes to make people hurt a lot and pay lots of money in medical bills. I think Barbara’s sense of justice is more in the middle of her father’s and Batman’s. It’s more compassionate due to her sense of compassion which I think originates inside of her uterus.

Threshold #5

Fri, 17 May 2013 19:57:21 -0400

I’ve always considered “Brainiac” to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.

I couldn’t think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn’t have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you’re female and you felt left out that I didn’t include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn’t worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.

*By “jokes”, I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don’t read any of my other commentaries.

On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you’re seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it’s been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.

Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn’t watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I’ve still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.

And then Threshold surprises me. Perhaps it was because I was distracted by Pippi Longstockings. Or maybe it’s just that I was only on Page Two of the comic book. But I definitely wasn’t expecting this:

Oh Ember. You were annoying and drawn in many awkward poses, but I’m actually very saddened by this.

On the next page, the reader gets to watch Ember bleed out across six panels just in case the reality of her being shot in the head hasn’t quite sunk in. Stealth runs away to go find a nice save alcove to stand very still in so that she can remain invisible while she thanks her lucky rabbit’s foot that it wasn’t her.

Speaking of contrived turns of phrase wedged into a sentence simply to give me a meaningless segue, Captain K’rot and Jediah Caul have ended their fight with Adonis seeing as how they’ve all been collected by Gigantic Penis. Obviously not being killed by citizens playing The Hunt is still the most important goal of Caul but now he needs to get himself uncollected as well. And since he’s making friends with Adonis, he should be able to finish up his quest to get his power battery which might help with all of his other quests as well.

I’m also hoping to get the story on why his Power Ring is embedded in his chest.

Adonis gives Caul access to his tesseract warehouse because who wouldn’t want a Green Lantern owing you a favor? Especially when you’ve been shrunk down as an action figure for Gigantic Penis. Saving people in situations like this is exactly why Green Lanterns were created! Actually, I have no idea why Green Lanterns were created. I suppose The Guardians of the Universe wanted to be the universal Chosen Ones and the best way to do that was to subject the rest of the Universe to their rule and their Green Thugs. As an American, I think there is an apt analogy that I just can’t put my finger on.

Caul experiences one of those crises of conscious I’ve heard tell some people occasionally go through. He considers skinning out of there on the Lonar’s horse (unless his horse is the motorcycle), Thunderer, but just like Chavez E. Chavez, he comes back to save the day. Kind of.

Drinking in the morning?! But what liquor pairs well with Froot Loops?

Gigantic Penis begins assessing possible damages to his collection while he blows out the brains of the person that brokered the deal for this piece of Green Lantern infested real estate. It’s probably a lot like finding termites in your new home. Except this termite has the potential to kill you.

Back in the bottle, things are looking up for two-thirds of the characters.

Hopefully for Adonis’s sake, slugs have their brains in their butts.

Well then. Hope does spring eternal!

Shoot the penis/vagina! I bet it’s in the penis/vagina!

I went to Wikipedia to fact check the fact in my head that said slugs are hermaphrodites and ended up reading this pair of sentences that will haunt me until the brain cells retaining the information die: “In apophallating species, the penis curls like a corkscrew and during mating, it often becomes entangled in the mate’s genitalia. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other’s penis.” According to Intelligent Design, God hates slugs.

God: “Well, my new little slug friends, I’ve given you a penis that sometimes gets tangled up in the vagina. But since I hate non-heterosexuals and you slugs are just freaks since I gave you both sets of genitals, I figured you needed to be punished! So occasionally after mating, you’re going to have to chew off your own penis. Also, you’ll melt when you touch salt. Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense when you read about what I do to Sodom and Lot’s Wife in the future. It’s a whole theme thing I’m working on! Anybody looking really closely will realize there are no coincidences and the whole of my creation adds up to the inescapable fact that I exist! The only trouble is that Lot will chew off his own penis after having sex with his daughters but nobody will fucking document it because of the patriarchal culture of the time! And how is anyone going to see My grand plan when Mankind keeps rewriting history?! Fucking Free Will Clause. Why did I screw myself? Oh! It’s like I’m the Slug now! It’s as if this was all created by an Intelligence greater than my own!”

Jediah Caul uses his great selfishness and/or willpower to escape from the Collector’s Mucus Membrane Jar. It’s pretty disgusting, actually. Tom Raney might as well have just pasted in photos of a woman giving birth and colored them all green. Caul grows really, really big until the mucus membrane breaks and he escapes into Gigantic Penis’s ship where he meets Gigantic Penis. But Gigantic Penis doesn’t want to fight him here in his ship because it could damage his collection. So he suggests taking the fight elsewhere. Or, possibly, just allowing Caul to leave.

Hey! You forgot your rabbit!

I suppose Captain K’rot is going to have to escape by riding Thunderer out of the tesseract warehouse. I’m sure a New God’s steed can Boom Tube on command.

In the back-up story, Larfleeze manages to convince Sayd that he didn’t kill Sayd because Sayd was one of his possessions and he loves his possessions. Sayd buys the logic and allows herself to be sucked back into the ring. Like Colombu or Trixie Belden or Sherlock Holmes or Velma, Stargrave the Butler believes he has figured out the answer to this mystery but he’s going to hold his tongue for a more exciting reveal at the end.

Giffen may not have created Larfleeze but he’s quickly attaining Ambush Bug status for me. Maybe Robert Loren Fleming should be hired on to co-write the Larfleeze monthly.

Stargrave helps Larfleeze realize he’s fucked up in the head. Larfleeze has a chat with a non-existent Orange Sayd that’s basically just a post-hypnotic suggestion. He realizes that he stole all of his own stuff and destroyed it. Along with his Orange Power Battery. Now what is he going to do? Does he need to get a Yellow Battery and a Red Battery and charge off of those at the same time? Also, does that mean Fear and Anger equal Greed? Whatever he comes up with, the story won’t be told in Threshold!

Next month’s feature should be about Captain K’rot and his escape from Gigantic Penis by riding Thunderer through a Boom Tube.

Threshold #5 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope I can stand Larfleeze in twenty page increments as opposed to eight page chunks! I hope he kills some D-List DC Characters so they can forever be part of the Orange Lantern Corps.

I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold’s back-up story. It’s witty and intelligent...

Fri, 17 May 2013 17:03:21 -0400

I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold’s back-up story. It’s witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It’s what I want in my comic books. Let’s have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.