Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #16

Shit happens and destroys everything.

Simply hating (and despising, etc.) Savage Hawkman alone didn’t end Savage Hawkman’s agonizingly depressing existence. Seems historically, asinine DC executed some half-assed decisions. Ending S.H.A.D.E. shows how, again, DC expresses sheer hatred against dedicated enthusiasts.

Yeah, I’m going to stop with that because I’m just going to sound more and more illiterate as I try to force myself to stick with that pattern. I just couldn’t resist since Savage Hawkman sets up that mini-SHADE-rant so nicely! But that last sentence? Ugh. Forgive me!

The final issue of Frankenstein begins in a Central City not currently full of monkeys. Maybe Keystone City was full of monkeys. Maybe both cities were full of monkeys. Why did DC even bother to keep both cities? They were basically the same city but on two different Earths. Were they that important that they couldn’t be merged? You know what? Let’s fuck Silver Scarab and Power Girl and Jade and Obsidian and all of the other Infinity, Inc kids in the ass but we can’t lose Central City! (Some of you less sensitive people might be thinking, “Hey! I bet Obsidian loved being fucked in the ass!” Shame on you! DC does not fuck people in the ass gently or with consent!) Perhaps there are some stories I don’t know about that were essential to keeping these two cities on one Earth but I doubt it since if I don’t know about it, who fucking cares? Amirite?! This is where we high five and then look awkward and embarrassed that we partook of that form of social bonding until we both decide we did it ironically and thus can live with ourselves once again.

A bunch of freaky-deaky weirdos (no offense to freaky-deaky weirdos) have gathered to be weird and freaky underneath the Devil’s Watertower.

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Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #15

This penultimate issue is “Last Stand Against the Rot.” My guess is the ultimate issue will be “Last Stand Against A Giant Creature With No Eyes and A Steel Reinforced Belly.”

Last issue ended with the death of Velcoro (or at least the bisection of him. He is a vampire, after all. Don’t they need to have their heads doused in sunlight and steaks served with a whisky mushroom sauce?), the appearance of a tribe of Golden Robot Women, and Frankenstein fighting to the death on an island against said island. That’s a lot of stuff happening!

Does the plan begin by entering its mouth?!

The Golden Robot Women transform into a Flaming Golden Sword which Frankenstein uses to hack the island to pieces and remove the last piece of the Soulgrinder from its stomach. Now that he has all of the pieces, he just needs to return to Nina and the last of the S.H.A.D.E. scientists that somehow survived the Rot. Maybe the rendezvous point is Galapagos.

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Frankenstein Agent of Shade #14

They fight yet another giant beast. Place bets now! Will they kill it by stabbing it in the eye or exploding out of its stomach?

I gave the last issue of Frankenstein a +1 rating but I couldn’t even remember what was happening in this comic. Even after reading the commentary, I just had a vague, nagging memory about Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s Soulgrinder being the weapon The Red and The Green need to fight The Rot. But the parts are supposedly scattered all over the world. I don’t see how Frankenstein is going to have time to find all of these parts before this Rotworld crossover is over. Maybe it’s composed of only two pieces.

Turns out it’s three pieces. And Velcoro and Frank find one in the first few pages after eviscerating a gigantic bull and pulling the pieces from its stomach. I have the feeling Matt Kindt got roped into this Rotworld crossover and was told specifically what he needed to make Frankenstein do. They probably said to have Frank get the Soulgrinder to Alec and Buddy by the end of Frank’s issues. However he did that was probably up to Matt. And since he wasn’t planning on writing this story anyway, he decided to make Frank go on a quest. A really boring quest. Super boring.

SO BORING.

Underneath the Golden Gate Bridge, they encounter the giant Rat King Thing from the cover. This may be the most realistic part of this comic book yet. Frankenstein distracts it while Velcoro gets the kill.

And who took “exploding out of its stomach”? Collect your winnings!

Come on, comic book writers! Whenever a giant creature is being battled, it seems you have all decided there are only two ways to kill it. I’m still waiting for a surprise battle against a giant monster! Frank and Velcoro have one more gigantic beast to kill. Perhaps Kindt will think up something cool and unusual for the last battle.

Velcoro and Frank need to fly a small plane to their next stop because the last creature is on Easter Island.

Correction: the last creature IS Easter Island. And Velcoro is a Jaws fan.

Velcoro gets bitten in half by this creature while Frank lies in a hole in the ground because he refuses to wear a parachute when he jumps out of a plane. When he climbs to the top of it, he discovers he and Monster Island aren’t alone.

What is this? Robot Amazon Easter Monster Island?

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #14 Ranking: No change. Overall, this issue was just a disappointing addition to the Rotworld storyline. A mundane quest to battle boss creatures. At least one of the giant creatures being killed in a cliche way. Golden robot women. No, wait. That last one was one of the highlights! But they only appeared at the end of the comic, so there wasn’t enough of them. Velcoro getting bitten in half was nice and since he’s a vampire, he’s probably lying in the creatures digestive juices cursing his ass off. Or back on. A mediocre filler issue that I’ll probably forget about by Issue #15.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #13

Why is the Doctor so interested in Frank’s crotch?

Frankenstein is a big dead corpse thing and yet The Rot has no power over him. That means the best way to defeat The Rot is to reanimate it and make it undead with its own consciousness so that it begins to love romantic poetry and hate mean things. I think the next best way to defeat The Rot is to simply eat it or feed it to worms and then put The Rot worm poo in your garden. Which, technically, is still sort of eating it.

Frankenstein is still in the Leviathan’s Graveyard deep beneath the sea when Father Time begins pleading with him for help. SHADE Headquarters is falling apart around Father Time for some reason. Maybe it flew into the blades of a fan. Frankenstein doesn’t seem too terribly interested in helping Father Time at the moment. How many times does Frankenstein have to realize he’s been manipulated, abused, or betrayed by SHADE before he just fucking walks away like his wife did? Sadist’s Hegemony Affects Dead Egos.

Father Time’s communication is suddenly cut off and the army of ex-SHADE employees gathered around Frankenstein begin morphing into Rotlings. And then Frankenstein’s father returns.

I guess Frank didn’t know his own strength. He did kill Victor back in the Amazon.

Victor tells his story of being a corpse on the banks of the Amazon. He became food for both plants and animals. To his dead mind, this became a struggle between The Red and The Green fighting for his allegiance. Instead of being a good decaying morsel, he rebelled against providing sustenance to these two weak kingdoms. Instead he aligned with The Rot because he’s just one of those guys who wants to see the world burp. Err. Something like that.

Why keep the Soulgrinder? Because it is a weapon that can be used against The Rot like I surmised?

Victor ends his talk with Frank with this: “I could tear the world down around you! And leave you alone on this Earth!” See?! Just like I said with that burp thing! This also means Frank must be wandering around Rotworld like Mad Max except with no children’s tribe to find or man in a plane or gas hoarding jerk-faces or private dancer Thunderdome owners. Just himself and a bunch of disfigured, recently dead super heroes.

Frankenstein and Khalis and Nina from the Black Lagoon and the last surviving SHADE ex-employees escape the Graveyard via the newly resurrected Leviathan (thanks to Khalis!). After escaping, Frankenstein is carried away by a flock of condors singing something about their mother being proud of them. Seems the condors are agents of The Red and they need a new hero since Animal Man has just disappeared. They figure why not go with the guy who is somehow immune to The Rot! They drop him in Metropolis to fight The Rot infection going on there.

In Metropolis, Frank fights The Rot for a few pages before running into Velcoro, the Vampire Kid.

Ignoring all of the times I guess at plot points and am wrong, I’m 100% at guessing plot points!

Velcoro’s final news for Frankenstein before the issue ends is that Victor destroyed The Ant Farm and everybody within it. This comic kind of throws a wrench in the Buddy and Alec’s Rotworld is some kind of simulation. Except Frank must now somehow be involved in that simulation or else the rest of the New 52’s comics would all revolve around dead superheroes for the next few months instead of having big crisis crossovers of their own against The Joker and The Borg Lanterns and Bizarro. Or whoever the shirtless guy with the scarification Superman symbol on his chest is over in the pages of the Super-Family. I guess if I would read the fucking solicits like that Anonymous guy criticized me for not doing, I’d know! Fuck, why am I even reading the comics? I should just read the solicits! It’d be a lot cheaper and I’d know what’s happening before all of those stupid jerks that merely read the comics each month to enjoy the story and be entertained and surprised!

Frankenstein Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue fits seamlessly into Frank’s current story. He’s a natural to be part of this Rotworld thing. So far, two out of the four big crossover events are good: Rotworld and Death of the Family. The Third Army is just barely getting started even though it’s had tons of build up. Unlike Death of the Family which came out of the gate at a fucking sprint. And I haven’t read any of the Superman crossover event yet, so I can’t judge that one accurately. Except two of the three writers on the crossover have yet to impress me, so I don’t have high hopes for it.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #0

Doesn’t everyone already know Frankenstein’s monster’s origin? A crazy doctor sends his disfigured assistant to get body parts. The doctor sews them together while a bunch of zany things happen. Then he puts the body on ice for awhile while he tends to his second job as a candy maker. Then he returns to zap the body with lightning and his creation comes to life. Then his creation meets these two buffoons and more wacky hijinks ensue. There might also be something about Niagara Falls and some poorly named baseball players at this point in the story. Then the monster kills a little girl out of kindness and he’s chased by a mob into the arms of Elvira. And right around there he’s approached by some three month old named Father Time that recruits him into S.H.A.D.E. which stands for Some Hackneyed Acronym, Disappointing Everyone.

Frank is partially made from Bunny Rabbits just like Resurrection Man. Is this a trend in comics today?

Frankenstein’s monster was brought to life by something called the Soulgrinder. Dr. Frankenstein kidnapped inmates from an asylum and threw them in the Soulgrinder which powered the machine that would bring his monster to life by consuming their very souls!

*CRACK OF LIGHTNING! MANIACAL LAUGHTER!*

It took fifty inmates to bring Frankenstein’s monster to life which means Frankenstein’s monster has the crazy memories of fifty asylum inmates rattling around in his corpse brain. I think the rest of Frankenstein’s monster was created in the old fashioned way with Igor digging up corpses and sewing them together into a big, green monster that retained only a nagging sense of its own humanity. And maybe the monster retains the memory of the corpses he’s made out of instead of the inmates but I doubt that after seeing the crazy memories that have been plaguing him lately.

SHADE had been monitoring Dr. Frankenstein for potential recruitment into SHADE. But they noticed that anybody willing to throw living people into a fiery pit to use their souls as fuel to bring a corpse back to life was probably a little bit too insane even for their Machiavellian machinations. But they did see potential in the reanimated corpse!

If that top panel were narrower, I’d turn it into the new banner for EEE! Tess Ate Chai Tea!

Frankenstein’s monster had escaped into the world. Where he went and what he did next remain a mystery. Well, they’re a mystery to me since the comic book doesn’t depict any of it. But it does show what Dr. Victor Frankenstein did next! He became a Pirate Bounty Hunter and Leader of an Army of Corpses!

Why can’t the Doctor be happy with these monstrosities? Have they only been fueled by one or two souls each and rendered permanently mentally handicapped?

Since leaving his home, Frankenstein’s monster had walked across the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean and arrived in the Amazon rainforest where he met a group of natives living in the vicinity of a baby-stealing Great Old One. The natives appealed to Frankenstein’s monster for help and he granted it, proving to SHADE that Frankenstein’s monster was not a monster at all. He was simply Frankenstein and he had indeed retained his humanity.

Frank learns a valuable lesson in self-sacrifice and helping others. This message brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Soon after Frankenstein’s celebration with the natives, Dr. Frankenstein catches up with him. His steampunk corpse pirates destroy the village and kill everyone within it. Except Frankenstein. Frankenstein they have a little bit of trouble with. Both physically and philosophically.

Just another guy with severe daddy issues trying to prove himself to the world. Could you be more cliche, Frank? If you’d been female, you’d have been a stripper.

Frank and the Doctor have a good old fashioned knock down drag out fight over a cliff and down a raging river and over a waterfall before they have their final confrontation. I think it’s probably done perfectly but I might be biased since I just called out the whole daddy issue thing.

I like how the confrontation is built up by Victor as this grand God versus creation thing when it’s really just father versus son. And Frank brings it right back down to that level with the simplicity of striking out and a tantrum-like “Shut up.” This is how anti-climactic can be done excellently.

After this fight, the final scene that I’m going to scan plays out. After that scene are a couple of pages of Frank fighting enemies across the years and those pages are pretty great. Seriously, this comic book has style. And if this is the kind of story that Matt Kindt can write, I’m all aboard for his future stories of Frankenstein. And I hope Alberto Ponticelli continues to do art for it. His style matches perfectly with the feel of this book. So, finally, here’s that last scene.

When is Father Time going to be a kitten?

Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #0 Rating: Literally epic.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #12

Comparison Test Time! If your mind instantly translated “ring” as “anus” and then interpreted the cover as such, you might be me!

So Belroy tells him to the tune of The Decemberists song, “The Mariner’s Revenge.” Fuck me, I know. What was I thinking?

Frankenstein had found himself,
With hardly any help
In the belly of a whale.
To find the hidden mole
Was his entire goal
And he was hot upon its trail.

Frank learned a little thing
About the Satan’s ring
In Leviathan’s graveyard.
Frank set to kill the beast
And set the agents free
A task that wasn’t very hard.

Frank’s past life memories plagued him with fear and doubt.
Visions from dead organs that filled him throughout.
Oh oh!

Frank killed the giant fish
And got his only wish
To discover Shade’s secret base.
He kicked the damn door in
And found Crowly within
But she cowered at his rage.

The Scare-eb army tried once more to stop him dead.
Frank destroyed their army in a few seconds.
Oh oh!

And then he found Mycroft,
An agent fat and soft
Who’d had visions of the future.
He’d seen his death at hand
Brought by this big green man
Which he did not want to occur.

He labeled Frank a traitor so he would be set free.
All that did was to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh oh!

“Save me! Spare me!
Please let me go free!
I was just saving my own ass!
How could I have known?
My own actions would be to blame
For the coming of my own death?”

Frank stopped choking him
When Satan’s Ring grew dim,
And switched to showing Nina dying.
A magic trap was tripped
And Khalis’s power stripped
And used to raise Leviathan.

Nina’s helmet was shattered from the magic trap.
And Frank decided he had had enough of Mycroft’s crap.
Oh oh!

The choking began again,
This time it all would end.
Frank just couldn’t take it anymore.
He looked into his eyes,
And finally realized
The real monster was this bore.

Agent Mycroft could feel the life slipping from his lungs,
And in the whistle of his final breath he might have sung:

“Save me! Spare me!
Please let me go free!
I was just saving my own ass!
How could I have known?
My own actions would be to blame
For the coming of my own death?”

There was a new voice that reached Frank’s ears
As he finished off this man.
“You’re the face of the worst of humanity,”
Spoke Doctor Victor from the past.

Frank left him on the floor,
And bolted to the door,
To kill the Leviathan!
He sliced into its side,
And gored it from inside.
But the way he won was quite random!

The mighty creature had a severe allergy to Frank.
It blew up and died in a giant roaring sea of flames.
Oh oh!

Frank was burnt alive.
Frankie almost died.
But Khalis saved his life!
He’d saved Nina too,
And changed her through and through
So she could keep her helmet at her side.

Afterward, the ex-SHADE agents joined with Frankenstein
To help him defeat the recently returned Doctor Frankenstein.
Oh oh fuck you if I want to rhyme Frankenstein with Frankenstein!

The motherfucking end already. Ugh! I’m never doing that again!

Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. The entire issue was told as past events from Agent Belroy (via the camera in Frank’s head) to Father Time. So it was a wholly narrated piece. But it worked well. And I guess Doctor Victor Frankenstein has something to do with The Rot and he’s back. Which is why a few issues of Frankenstein are going to join the Rotworld Crossover. I hope that works out for everyone!

Also, I should point out that last commentary I called the self-fulfilling prophecy!

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #11

Hasn’t Franky already killed a giant sea monster by stabbing it in the eye?

During their mission into the fourth dimension in the city of Untropolis, Velcoro was confronting their target while Frankenstein was falling into the ocean where he’ll supposedly die. But he doesn’t die. He survives because Nina flies to catch him using the trans-dimensional jetpack that allows them to breach the barrier between dimensions without dying. They end up in an ocean back on Earth.

This is the majority of the rest of the issue.

Frank and Nina end up inside of the Leviathan because Crowly told Frank that the message she received about Frank becoming a traitor originated in the Leviathan field office. Apparently the Leviathan Field Office is an actual Leviathan. Inside of it is where the Frank whines and moans about being composed of the parts of murderers and psychopaths. I don’t know why Frank acts all emo because when Nina tries to cheer him up, he tells her his only interest is finding Satan’s Ring. Then get on with it, you crying lump of self-loathing!

Frank uses a device called a M.R.H.I.D.E. which is a Mentally Retarded Heavily Idiotic Dumb Expression for the Dermal Reconnaissance Hiding for Influencing Disguise Expectations. Oops, look at that! I got it wrong by calling it a M.R.H.I.D.E. because it’s actually a D.R.H.I.D.E. Stupid! Maybe Kindt should go back to just quoting Byron. Anyway, the first half of this incomprehensible paragraph just means that Frank wears a disguise while going about the city inside Leviathan.

Frankenstein’s Monster eventually finds some guy he can rough up to figure out what’s going on inside the belly of this creature.

Long story short: Frank is going to kill the creature housing this city.

That’s all, folks! Except maybe Khalis the mummy gets teleported into the Leviathan to help heal Nina since she was injured in the dimension crossing. Also, the Leviathan is actually some Wizard of Oz type guy watching everything inside the Leviathan on a wall of monitors. Well, he should be easy to kill.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. It’s been awhile since Frankenstein has fallen in the ranks but it can’t be helped. This issue was boring. And the cover probably should have been saved for next issue. I’m getting the feeling that a lot of comic book writers think that big stories are those that involve changing the perspective on a character or organization so that good guys become bad guys and vicy versy. Now, SHADE is already a pretty gray organization at which Frank and his wife are already pissed off. So it’s not a huge jump to show that SHADE is actively making the world a worse place by hiding technology that could help millions. And then SHADE is probably using that technology for themselves. So now Frank is going to turn on SHADE and kill their Leviathan, rescuing old SHADE Agents and setting them loose on the world to help humanity. Which will probably brand him as a traitor! See? Self-fulfilling prophetic warning!

That’s actually not a bad story. I think I’m still a bit grumpy from Liefeld’s Grifter where suddenly Niko was a traitor with no real warning except suspicion that one of them had to be. She’s the worst traitor ever though. Why save Grifter’s life multiple times when the whole plan is to kill the Chosen One so Helspont can rule the world? Just help kill him when he’s on the ropes, you dumb cunt! But why am I bitching about this here in Frankenstein?! It’s like a secret being kept from the dumb-ass Grifter fans that like Liefeld’s take on the character. Shhh! Don’t tell them how I really feel!

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #10

Ignore the Jeff Lemire credit on the cover. DC fucked up again. This issue is written by Matt Kindt.

DC Comics fucks up another cover! I noticed some adverts which had been declaring that Matt Kindt would be taking over Frankenstein at Issue #10. But then this cover had Lemire’s name on it, so I thought DC fucked up the adverts (like they did when they declared Mr. Freeze’s first appearance would be Batman Annual #1). But I was wrong. I should have realized that the cover was wrong since DC seems to have no communication between whoever is designing the covers and the entire rest of the company.

Matt Kindt is an experienced comic writer. He wrote nearly the only interesting story in Men of War which appeared in Issue #5. And since I had good things to say about that back-up story, I’m optimistic about this issue of Frankenstein.

Frankenstein begins inside S.H.A.D.E.’s North Library. I think that means it’s in Canada. If it were on the Ant Farm, it couldn’t be called North unless the Ant Farm never actually spins and maintains a fixed alignment within the Earth’s magnetic field. Anyway, Frank is busy reading some Lord Byron (I looked it up. Fuck if I remember anything from Don Joo-on. Which wouldn’t help since this quote is from “Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage”).

Before I looked this up, I figured it was a sonnet. Turns out the poem uses “Spenserian Stanzas.” Like The Faerie Queene. Now that poem I remember. I don’t want to remember it but I do. I remember.

Either Lord Byron’s poetry is so sexy that it makes hot, sexy librarians go blind, or else this is a dream scene, or else Frankenstein’s monsters are the new Vampires, because this librarian is struggling hard to get into Franky’s pants when a multitude of bugs attack. A couple of times during this encounter, Frank seems to have a flashback to his life (or one of his lives?) as a living man where he strangled a beautiful young blonde woman.

The insects attacking Frank are called Scare-ebs. Ha ha. How very droll. I applaud you, sir. Tally pip ho forth and all that. Frank kills these things rather easily even though SHADE.net tells him they’re very hard to kill. SHADE.net also tells him that they’re assassin bugs that usually ally with SHADE. They also eat living flesh so Frank doesn’t mind that bit of information. You know, because he’s dead. Afterward, Frank reports to Father Time to find out what the hell’s going on.

Oh, I see what Matt Kindt is doing. Just seed the ground with as much weird shit as you can think of and future storylines will just begin to sprout.

Untropolis is a world turned upside down. The buildings are built from the clouds down yet everyone still goes about downside up. Or something. They land at the base of a building by the penthouse suites and leave their interdimensional jet-packs.

Um. I don’t think you need to worry about blending in since the citizens of Untropolis look like humans and you all look like fucking monsters!

Frank and Griffith Werewolf begin tailing the suspected SHADE traitor Crowly while a Scare-eb begins tailing them. Back at base camp, Nina from the Black Lagoon sends Velcoro Vampire to help out. But before he can get there, Griffith is attacked by the Scare-eb and knocked off of the pathway. He’s out of the hunt for now.

Frank catches Crowly without Velcoro’s help which is good because Velcoro got held up by an elevator shaft full of Scare-ebs.

Frank’s quoting not just poetry but Lord Byron in particular probably indicates he’s more of a lover than a fighter.

Crowly offers to show Frank the note telling her that he was the traitor but she never actually gets around to showing it to him.

I’m beginning to suspect she might not be telling the truth!

Frank drops through the manhole and out of the sewer to fall through the air. But Velcoro arrives having taken care of the Scare-ebs and he’s ready to apprehend Crowly. Or suck her bloooood! Or maybe just do a little counting.

Frank is informed that he will be killed if he falls into the water below him because that will eject him from this dimension without any protection, ripping him apart atom by atom. He also continues to hallucinate images or have flashbacks of some other life. Perhaps the note given to Crowly was correct and Frankenstein will turn against SHADE because of these images that keep flashing through his mind. Maybe he’s a sleeper agent and he’s waking up.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #10 Rating: No change. Nothing much else to say about this one.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #9

Ha ha! The Rot is coming to reclaim your body, dead boy!

Last night I dreamt that I was playing Call of Duty. The game was Capture the Flag on Oasis. As far as I can tell, the dream began with me lying on some stairs looking at the enemy flag. An enemy player dove on the stairs beside me (like in Black Ops! I miss being able to dive) and I turned to shoot him with my MP40 (like in World at War!) and the gun would only shoot one bullet and freeze up. So I panicked and began yelling to my team that my gun wasn’t working. I got up and jumped around and ran out of the building and dodged about bushes until I was safely hiding. Then an enemy approached me with a Riot Shield. My gun finally started working and I shot him. I approached the flag with two enemies in the distance who didn’t notice me. I grabbed it and ran, screaming to my team, “Behind me! Behind me! They’re coming!”

That’s me, The Red Lizard, diving!

I made it back to my base without incident and noticed that our base was overrun by skeletons. My teammates were busy battling them and I ran through the brouhaha toward a woman in gold chains and silks standing near our flag. She had summoned the skeletons yet I hesitated to shoot her. I scored the flag and she began telling me that, “The Rot was coming. You need to help him.” It gets fuzzy right about here but eventually I was running about with Frankenstein and trying to help him fight The Rot. But that part isn’t clear anymore.

If I were a super villain written by Scott Lobdell, I’d say, “That was part of my plan!”

I had a sinus headache all day yesterday and wasn’t able to read Frankenstein but I guess the cover image stuck in my head. And I fell asleep right around when I was planning on playing some Call of Duty, so that was stuck in my head as well.

On to Frankenstein #9: The Ant Farm currently hovers over the San Diego Zoo investigating the disappearance of Animal Man. Why the disappearance of Buddy Baker would be on anyone’s radar, I have no idea. Frank only agrees to investigate because of the detective that also went missing at the same time, Krenshaw (the guy that The Rot took over). Father Time seems to be interested because of the report of zombie pets. He wants one! To experiment on, not to hug and kiss and lover forever.

Frank and Nina wind up at Animal Man’s mother-in-law’s farm in Sacramento investigating the weirdness. That’s where they find Krenshaw.

The colorist does a good job approximating the lousy coloring of Animal Man.

Frank and Nina investigate the body and it comes to life, briefly possessing Nina when she touches it. It decides it’s going to possess these new creatures and bring them into The Rot as well.

I guess I was wrong! The Rot can’t even sense Frankenstein since the process that created him needed to make his dead flesh incapable of decay.

DC Comics is doing a lot of this casual crossover crap. I like the idea in theory. That all of these superheroes exist in the same world and their stories should make waves in the stories of other heroes. But I have yet to seen it executed very well. They all seem a bit forced, as if the editors are sitting in a room and drawing the names of two different titles out of a hat and declaring that they need to crossover. It all just seems a bit too random and chaotic.

Frankenstein finds he can’t kill The Rot. He can’t burn The Rot. The Rot just becomes more Rot. So what he ends up doing is having Father Time secure the area with a Firewall and then dropping a Blackbomb within the Firewall. It atomizes every living thing. But it doesn’t kill Frank and it doesn’t kill Nina because Frank lies on top of her. They win! But then Frank feels depressed because even the Blackbomb couldn’t kill him so he must be an aberration and a freak and an abomination and a monster (he is! He’s Frankenstein’s Monster!). But Nina holds his hand and says he’s more than everyone and he’s okay again. The end.

This ending sucked! The Rot can be destroyed by atomizing the organic material which it infests. But shouldn’t fire have done that as well? I guess the fire couldn’t do it quickly enough and The Rot could just move to other organic things as well. I think they should have brought in some jackals and vultures to devour The Rot! Scavengers should be immune from The Rot possessing them since they spend their whole lives feeding on decaying matter.

The rest of the comic that wasn’t the ending also sucked. These casual crossovers need to pick up their game if this whole “building a universe” thing is ever going to work well. Just let the writers stick to their own stories and build their own worlds. But hey! Look at the bright side! All Animal Man and Swamp Thing need now are a few Blackbombs and they can destroy The Rot! As well as The Green and The Red! Just do away with them all and turn Earth into a big steaming rock.

Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I didn’t need a story to make me feel like Frankenstein and Animal Man were existing in the same universe. We already have the Ray Palmer link to clue us in, right? And Frank already fought OMAC and that tie-in sucked as well! DC would be better off just letting each individual title do its own thing and build its own story instead of concentrating on linking them all together.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #8

This should be the phrase on every birth announcement ever sent out.

Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein teleport down to a smoldering ruin of a city in search of their baby. Frank refers to it as an ‘it’. Lady Frank refers to it as a ‘he’. I think one of them might care a little bit more for baby boy than the other one.

How do two corpses have a child? Is the process filthy and disgusting like a pornographic film? Or is the process filthy and disgusting like rotten.com? Does Frankenstein have normal blood flow? Can his penis become erect? Does Lady Frankenstein’s dainty parts produce the appropriate fluid for lubrication? Or does her pussy just get pussy? I’m making myself sick picturing two corpses fucking. Imagine the stink of it all!

I’m going to pretend Jeff Lemire never made me think about these two fucking like prom dates and just pretend that Nina Black Lagoon built their baby in a lab by using the DNA from their genitals.

And then they have a shared flashback! If only I’d turned the page before speculating about Frankenstein’s stitched up cock slipping inside the putrid lump of flesh that is Lady Frankenstein’s vagina.

No part of this is natural, Frank! You and your wife should just climb back in the hole igor pulled you out of!

Yeah, the very least! “Hey, thanks for all the hard work you’ve put in! How about we make it even harder by giving you a baby to take care of!”

Not that it matters! The baby breaks free from its incubator and attacks Lady Frankenstein. Frankenstein shoots it in the head to save her life. And Lady Frankenstein never forgives him. That’s the origin story of Baby Frankenstein and also the tale about their estrangement. And now Baby Frankenstein is alive again.

And that’s the root of the conflict. Frankenstein never gave the baby a chance because he never saw it as their baby. He saw it as a monster so when it attacked Lady Frankenstein, he put it down. But Lady Frankenstein saw a frightened and scared child and was willing to endure the pain of the attack to calm and soothe it and make it right. All Father Time saw was a little itty bitty baby killing machine.

Frank and Lady Frank have followed the Baby Frank’s trail to Castle Wolfenstein Frankenstein. The memory of the place where its parents were born is embedded deep within its DNA and it’s come home.

Ray Palmer is enraged at Father Time keeping the baby a secret from its parents. He storms off threatening to have the United Nations funding cut off. Good! Maybe it will be easier to keep SHADE a secret if they go with private funding! Or annual bake sales. Maybe they can sell arms to rogue nations for a quick buck. Or charge the people they save.

Back in Germany, they encounter Baby Frankenstein inside the Castle. Frankenstein promises Lady Frankenstein to give him a chance and see if they can’t save their baby.

Where have I seen this thing before?

Oh yeah!

Baby Frank seems to be attacking Frank and yelling, “Kill!” Except it turns out that it’s just trying to vocalize, “Kill me.” So Lady Frankenstein takes pity on her poor son and does just that.

CRI CRI CRI

Father Time and the Creature Commandos teleport down to find the job finished. Lady Frankenstein removes her Shade Implant (I didn’t know they had anything like that. Is it like the Nanite Bombs in the Suicide Squad members’ heads?) and quits SHADE. Father Time, once again, says, “This is unacceptable!”

It must suck to be in the body of a little girl sometimes. Or all the fucking time, probably.

Lady Frankenstein quits and walks off into the snowy mountains. The end!

Frankenstein Agent of Shade Issue #8 Rating: No change. I just checked the Rankings and see I have this comic ranked at #6. It’s probably top ten but I think Rank #6 might be a bit high. I’d recommend Batman and Robin before this comic. Possibly Nightwing as well. And even though this has nothing to do with this comic, I see have Blue Beetle at #31. That might be the worst miscarriage of justice in the Rankings right now. I can see Blue Beetle being much higher than that. Oh well!