I, Vampire #19

Armageddon was coming to the House of Mystery but since Constantine has the ability to move the House to whatever imaginary place he likes, Armageddon was at least going to be localized. This Armageddon was due to the fact that Satan got his chocolate in God’s peanut butter. And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.

Speaking of sexual innuendo, I checked out Google Ads to see about adding them to this site and was declined because I have adult content. And by adult content, I mean I speak like a fucking adult without a crucifix up his Goddamned cunt. Hey Google? Guess who buys things? Adults, you stupid motherfuckers. When are we, as civilized people, going to stop judging words because our ancestors judged words? You don’t have to protect children from bad words if you just up and decide that no words are bad. It’s that fucking easy, people! And guess what would happen? The word “fuck” would probably drop in popularity. I’d probably replace it with “cramp”. “I am so cramping upset, you mothercramping cramper!” Plus we’d automatically drop a whole slew of hangups that people wind up carting around their entire adult lives. Remember people: removing the negative stigma of words is not a slippery slope to worldwide genocide!

Unless it is! But I don’t see how it would be since the people being slaughtered would probably be saying “fuck” and “shit” and “Goddamm it!” a whole lot more than the people doing the killing.

Also, for people that might think, “If we take away the negative connotation of swear words, what’s next?”, I say, “Why not everything?” We have a lot of taboos that don’t have any reason to be taboos except for traditional and religious reasons. Most taboos are the hard candy in the bowl on our grandparents’ table. Nobody eats them but nobody throws the useless things away either. It’s time to throw out the big clump of humidity-welded hard candies and get on with being an adult civilization, people!

And now that I’ve told you all to be adults, it’s time to get back to my comic book. Actually I should be getting around to making a very important phone call for my business but who wants to deal with that bullshit? I want to read about vampires.

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I, Vampire #18

Once again, my stubborn brain would not let me come up with a word. This time it was “tasteless”. So I googled “classy antonym” and got it! Ha ha! Fuck you, brain! Also, thank you, Lord Google, for propping up my failing intellect.

Andrew Bennett is currently a horrible, murdering, demonic villain of a vampire and yet he’s gone all sad and emo when Virgin Bloody Mary was beheaded by Tig. I guess demons have feelings too. They’re just usually squashed down beneath the sadism and the desire to squick everything in sight.

The story picks up with Cain about to pull his ancient love, Lilith, from a portal to Hell opened by Bennett and his buddies. Constantine has failed to stop him. Debbie Dancer is armed and ready to fight. And my beautiful, cute, perky Vampire Tig is being drawn like a monster.

The narrator whinging on about love is Cain, the ultimate evil or something. He’s the pre-vampire vampire, Master of All, First Murderer, Beloved or Cursed by God, depending on how you feel about the gifts of immortality and invulnerability. I guess this is a love story again! That’s how it began and then it sort of lost its way but now it seems to want to end as a love story again. Unless it didn’t lose its way and I just wasn’t paying close enough attention. That’s a distinct probability!

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I, Vampire #17

Why do you suppose DC changed the title of I…Vampire in the Preboot era to I, Vampire in the Reboot era? Not that I care. Both of them suck. Maybe I, Vampire and my Blog were mixed up in this timeline. I think it should be “Eee! Vampire!” and “I, Tess Ate Chai Tea.” Except then my blog name loses all of its attitude and charm and hidden swearing. Although “Eee! Vampire!” sounds like a fun book.

At the end of last issue, Andrew Bennett had taken over The House of Mystery and evicted John Constantine. That might be a problem for most of this issue but I have a feeling the real owner of The House of Mystery might show up to set things right. You know? Cain the Original Vampire? Now, he’s not the Preboot Cain, obviously. But he very well may have the same relationship to The House of Mystery that that Cain had. Not that Cain is really much of a solution to anything unless it serves his own interests. So until John Constantine can do that thing he always does where he convinces his enemy that serving John is in his enemy’s best interests, John is going to have to figure out on his own how to boot the squatters from his house.

John has enough magic power to drive the wolf vampire squatters back inside the House of Mystery. John’s companions charge after them while John finishes his cigarette. Then he heads in too. But now that they’ve all entered the House of Mystery at slightly different moments, they’re going to find themselves in all sorts of weird rooms and situations all by themselves! Remember Frank and Amy and Orchy and their run through the House? I think this will be a lot like that! Except with Wolfy Vampire Squatters!

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I, Vampire #16

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It’s only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics’ history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics’ history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called “The Preboot” or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how “it’s not the same” and “DC isn’t spotlighting the correct people” and “Why is Ted Kord still dead?” Although I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it’s never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain’s wife (like Lot’s wife and Noah’s wife and probably many other wives) didn’t have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it’s dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

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I, Vampire #15

Oh no no no! What happened to Andrea Sorrentino? How dare Lemire steal him over to Green Arrow! What about my Tig’s face? WHAT ABOUT MY TIG’S FACE!?

Tig still looks cute humping this guy’s shoulder on the front cover but who wouldn’t look cute humping some guy’s shoulder? And the cover was by March so she kind of looks like Selina Kyle. I’m surprised Andrew Bennett’s boobs aren’t bigger. I guess it’s a good thing if Tig isn’t drawn as cute as Sorrentino draws her because then I can go on with my life and stop pining over a fictional vampire character. Also, Tig? What’s with the band-aids? Accident prone or lazy-ass haute couture?

Last issue, Ex-Bloody Mary, Ex-Professor John, and Deborah Dancer (Andrew’s ex!) were on a quest to save Andrew from his evil self. As his evil self, Andrew doesn’t realize he wants to be saved. But once he’s saved, his good self will say, “Thank you for saving me!” But if his current self is the evil self and he doesn’t want to be saved, doesn’t that take precedence? It doesn’t matter to me though. Once Andrew Bennett is saved, Tig will take over as leader of the evil army and do a much better job of enslaving the world.

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I, Vampire #14

This comic book used to have my favorite covers. They’ve gone a little bit downhill.

Last issue there was a cute little female vampire named Tig and an angry super vampire composed of every other vampire ever named Andrew Bennett and a half-vampire wood chopper named Deborah Dancer and an ex-vampire bad-ass named Bloody Mary and they were all in some kind of a Mexican Vampire Standoff.

Did I mention how cute Tig had become as a vampire? Am I getting young girl teeny-bopper vampire-love feelings for a comic book character? Is this how the obsession begins? No, no it isn’t. Just thinking about these relationships between young mortal women and ancient vampires brings the bile to the top of the throat. Haven’t any of these vampires read Lolita? Don’t get me wrong! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an 1800 year old vampire having sex with an 18 year old mortal. That’s just nature! My problem is believing that an 1800 year old vampire would want to do anything else with an 18 year old! They must have the worst conversations ever. Neither one gets any of the other one’s references. The mortal has a handful of funny stories that are exhausted in a few dates while the immortal won’t fucking shut up about the Old World. Where exactly is the upside to the fantasy? And does the eventual, horrible, awful downside of the “relationship” ever come through? I think reading Twilight should evoke the same creepy, crawly, disgusting, out-of-control feeling that Lolita evokes. I think every copy of Twilight sold should have to be packaged with a copy of Lolita. Take that, inappropriate lovers!

At least Let the Right One In gets the manipulation right. Now that’s the Lolita of vampire movies!

I’m going to shut up now! Where is my darling Tig?!

Oh Tig! The things I’d do to you! I’d make you feel so awkward and uncomfortable as I piss myself and fall into a ball mumbling, “Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me!” Sweet, sweet Tig!

That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend “The Professor” have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer’s log cabin to try and kill my Tig! Oh, and Andrew Bennett. But who the fuck cares about that drag queen? Except that if he dies, that might kill Tig. So stay away from Andew too, you wanna-be vampire hunting shitstains! This comic book isn’t about goody two shoes Mary and her eunuch John. This comic isn’t about the good guys anymore. Although if Tig hadn’t turned into a vampire, I probably wouldn’t care who this comic book was about. Human Tig just didn’t do it for me. But vampire Tig! Wow! She’s just so…what are you doing? NO! Get away from her, you sluts!

It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay! She’s okay, right? LOVER!

Andrew and Tig survive the conflagration without much harm. That’s too bad because I’m pretty sure reading about Tig being near death and needing to be nursed back to health would really fire my imagination in a suitably erotic and ultimately masturbatory way. Having sex with a vampire is kind of like masturbation, right? About 1/3 masturbation, 1/3 necrophilia, and 1/3 pure terror! I once had a dream that I was fucking a vampire and I was holding her down against the ground as the sun was rising and the light was creeping closer and closer to her head. She turned to ash as I was still having sex with her. What the hell does that dream mean? It’s pretty fucking violent. Maybe that dream means that I’m man enough for Tig! I bet she would have sparkly eyes for me if I told her that dream!

The fucking do-gooder duo and Deboarah Dancer run into the woods and away from the burning vampires. But they leave Deb’s dog Mishkin to become Andrew and Tig’s new traveling companion.

That’s Andrew’s dog. I hope Tig gets a cat.

Andrew, Tig, and Mishkin hunt down a hunter for dinner. I think that’s some kind of commentary on something or other. Maybe it’s just irony. Or funny! Whatever it is, it results in a cute picture of Tig eating her supper.

Falling in love with a vampire character makes me feel so young and vibrant and succulent!

What is it about male vampire characters that get their female fans in such a tizzy? I bet Anne Rice is kicking herself for making Louis and Lestat so gay. Just think of how many more millions of books she could have sold if they weren’t so sexually ambiguous! By the time Tale of the Body Thief came around, Lestat was practically only into lemon parties! Is there something exciting about an elegant stranger biting you in the neck? Or does the excitement only come from the knowledge that the elegant stranger only wants to bite you in the neck and no other voluptuous trollops just above their heaving cleavage? I don’t care who Tig bites as long as I get to look at her bite them seductively and maybe a little bit naked. I don’t mean the victim should be a little bit naked! I mean Tig should be a little bit naked! Maybe just in her underwear with one side of her panties riding up her ass and one bra strap hanging down off of her shoulder so that the cup on one side of her bra is loose and you can almost catch tantalizing glimpses of that one boob’s nipple as the cup shifts and slides. Um, the victim can also be naked too though. I don’t care. It can even be a man. Especially if we’re all in college!

I guess I should discuss the loser half of this comic book for awhile now. Bitchy Mary and less-than-manly Professor John are trying to convince Deborah Dancer to come to London with them. They have a stupid plan that’s not even half-assed. It’s more like two-fifth-assed. They need to track down Andrew’s sire (can’t! He’s dead!) or maybe just find where Andrew was sired and recreate the moment. I don’t know how this is going to change Andrew back but that’s okay because they don’t either. They’re just basing it all on a hunch. They need Deborah because Deborah knows more about Andrew than all of them combined.

This is surprisingly insightful of Mary who has shown herself to be nothing more than a narcissistic shrew up until this point. A lot of non-previously-vampire people could improve a lot of relationships by learning this fucking lesson. Do you love the person the person is or the person you want the person to be?

While these assholes are off on their fool’s errand, Andrew and Tig visit the punk bar Oblivion in New York City (as seen in Justice League Dark #0 — Read ‘em All Tess!). This calls for a couple of scans of my honeybuns.

Oh yes please do! Send her to the House of Secrets where my last comic book crush lived! Vampire Tig and Rain would make excellent BFFs!

Tig enters the club while Andrew waits outside and she begins hitting on some piece of crap magician at the bar. Ugh. He’s such an ugly dildo! What does she see in him?! Why would she do this to me? Why is she taking him outside and into the back alley? Tig, please stop this nonsense. Get away from my girl!

Dammit! This is the way things ended between me and Rain! Some skanky, poorly-written douchebag with low self-esteem and great hair drives a wedge between me and my crush!

Turns out Tig doesn’t really want to fuck this guy. Whew. I knew she wouldn’t betray our love. She just lured him out into the alley so Andrew Bennett could proposition him. I mean offer him a job. I mean offer him a military job! This guy supposedly has more natural magic power than that twat John Constantine whose comic book can’t even make it to issue #301. Ha ha! Loser! Bennett is looking for powerful people to turn into vampires to become his generals in the war against mankind. This warlock is the first member of an unstoppable army he’s creating. And Tig seems to be the recruiter.

Look at the way she bites him! I would bleed so hard for her!

I, Vampire #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Damn, I’m really enjoying this book. I’m back off the Vampire Wagon! Although when I declared I was never going to partake of any other Vampire thing a year and a half ago, I broke that promise immediately by going to see Concrete Blonde in their 20th Anniversary Bloodletting Concert. That was pretty vampiric. I have a feeling that Andrew Bennett is going to build this big, bad vampire army just to end up transforming back into his good self. And then his good self is going to have to battle Tig and this Super Vampire Army he’s created. Serves him right. Also, I hope that happens and Tig kicks his ass.

I, Vampire #13

She kills things with cold blood! Like lizards and vampires and ex-spouses.

This cover is just crying out for a sitcom theme song.

She’s Deborah Dancer!
Vampire Hunter
And part-time community college pothead genius as well!
Deborah Dancer!
Sold one of her kidneys!
And now she battles evil demon vampires from hell!
Deborah Dancer!
She may have Tourette’s!
Or she may just have serious trucker mouth, who can tell?
Deborah Dancer!
Itinerant cutter!
She’s a Californian Hipster New England Southern Belle!

Last regular issue, all of the vampires in the world were cured of their vampirism. The cost for this miraculous miracle? Andrew Bennett is now an all-powerful evil Vampire King! But at least Tig and Mary are okay!

Oops! I mean, at least Mary is okay! I forgot Andrew’s first act was to eat Tig.

Since the Battle of Utah, Stormwatch has gone off to their own comic book because their cross-over tie-in sales booster appearance was over. Sure, a megalomaniac all-powerful vampire was still on the loose but what are they supposed to do about it? They have their own Goddamned problems to deal with! They shouldn’t have even been in I, Vampire! Let the Professor and Mary Ann Seward deal with the problem. So Jack, Midnighter, and Apollo have left Mary Seward and John Troughton on their own in Boston.

Mary spends the majority of the comic narrating her little drama. She still thinks like a vampire. She can’t quite grasp the reality of being human again. Until she’s mugged. And then instinct takes over and she realizes her power never came simply from the blood.

I think being a vampire for 500 years helped a little bit.

Now that Mary’s confidence has been restored, she’s ready to hunt down Andrew herself. Not to kill him but maybe to kill to Tig, at the very least, for fucking her man. Not that anything has been mentioned about Vampire Tig and Vampire Andrew’s relationship. I’m simply assuming that when a vampire of one sexual orientation converts a vampire they’re sexually attracted to, they immediately fuck.

Mary is putting together a plan to find Andrew. First, hunt down Andrew’s sire. Since Andrew’s sire, Cain, was recently killed, that should be difficult. Although the search could lead them to the Unknown Soldier since he’s the embodiment of Cain. Unless he’s the embodiment of Abel and he’s trying to gain justice for innocent people killed in conflict. But that doesn’t make as much sense since Cain is the one with the mark and the curse that he shall never be killed.

Part two of Mary’s plan is finding an ex-lover of Andrew’s that I know nothing about but I’m going to make a major leap here and guess it is Deborah Dancer. She’s probably from Preboot history and all of the Andrew Bennett-philes wet themselves when they saw her on the cover.

Deborah Dancer’s home: The Deep Back Woods of Maine. Three or four trees constitute “woods” in Maine.

Andrew and Tig pay Deborah a visit and Andrew throws out a little history to get Tig (and the new readers like me!) up to speed.

I dig Tig’s vampy look.

I just pulled out the 90s Who’s Who and reread the I…Vampire entry (see how the reboot version differs by replacing the ellipsis with a comma!). In the old universe, Deborah Dancer was a vampire hunter’s assistant. She managed to kill Mary, Queen of Blood, although Deborah’s mentor, Mishkin, was killed. Andrew also ended up dying although since he can never really seem to die, he resurrected later when some writer wanted to write a new miniseries about him.

John and Mary break in and stop Andrew before he can convert Deborah. Next issue, Deborah Dancer will save the day and then walk off into the sunset with sad music playing until she reaches the next town that needs her help.

She’s Deborah Dancer!

I, Vampire #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art is still gorgeous plus they’ve tweaked the colors a little bit. It’s still mostly a black, white, and red comic book but other colors are making slight appearances and it’s exactly what the look of this comic needed. Unless I’m wrong and I’ve simply come to terms with the look and I’m making excuses as to why I thought the book looked so much better than usual! I think I like this comic book better when Andrew and Tig are evil and Mary is good.

I, Vampire #12

This cover holds no pathos or tension since it’s been established that Andrew Bennett cannot die unless he chooses to die.

At the end of last issue, whichever protagonists were left were being overrun by a mob of Mummy Zombie Vampire Hunter Rednecks all yelling, “Reinforcements!” in unison. It was kind of ridiculous. Am I supposed to be worried that perhaps Tig or John might die? They just survived a plane crash and then a bomb exploding right next to them last issue, so I think they’ll be okay no matter what happens. Mary isn’t going to die any time soon since the entire comic seems to be a kind of never ending break-up between these two. Perhaps I should be worried for Stormwatch!

Jack, Apollo, and Midnighter have arrived to investigate the disappearance of an entire town. Jack felt it and apparently there was a lull in the protecting the universe game, so Stormwatch decided to head down and see what was up.

Midnighter is totally gay for Apollo, Jack. You know? Like how Portland is totally in love with Seattle? Except Apollo loves Midnighter back.

Apollo spots the residents of the suddenly vacant town a few miles away. He probably wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they’ve all been turned into Mummies. Midnighter is just slightly surprised to find they’re vampires.

Fuck basketball. Any sport where continuous fouling is part of a team’s playbook should be considered a pseudo-sport. “Go in there and punch that asshole in the nuts to get the clock stopped! Hopefully he’ll miss a free throw or two and we can get the ball back and get a three! Now go castrate that mother fucker!”

I just realized Stormwatch needs to be either really secretive while on missions or prepared to kill everyone on the scene. They no longer have Martian Manhunter to mindwipe witnesses. And the Projectionist is long gone so they can’t manipulate the media into ignoring their exploits. I’m not even sure why they’re dealing with this case except that DC Editorial probably demanded it. This isn’t a threat to the world. It’s just a big brawl in the desert. Perhaps Hawksmoor owed this town a favor. Also, I supposed Jenny Quantum is off doing homework. I bet she’d love all of this vampire drama.

Yeah, Jack! Trust him! His super power isn’t knowing the plot to teen romance novels. His super power is knowing how to defend against and defeat any enemy he encounters. I’m pretty sure he’s got this.

The vampires don’t die from exposure to the sun but their heads explode when they bite Apollo. I kind of liked Apollo’s plan to just let them all eat him. But what happens if one of the Mummy Zombies bites him? He’s probably better off just sticking with the plan to kill Andrew Bennett.

Don’t scoff at Lost Boy’s rules! Earlier in the series, it was already established that was how it worked in this comic book too.

Even with a concentrated blast of Sunny D, Apollo can’t kill Andrew Bennett. Bennett then mentions that he’s trying to stop the zombies and Apollo instantly becomes his ally because comic books are only 20 pages now and what do you want? Pages of dialogue to make relationships believable or pages of zombies getting their heads cut off? Well DC doesn’t care what the fuck you want so you’re getting zombies getting their heads cut off!

I wonder if the editors at DC look at The Walking Dead and think, “You know what this comic book needs? Less fucking talking! Look at all of this goddamned characterization! What a waste of space. How come the zombies don’t attack them every issue? How do they keep readers when the characters go ten issues sometimes without killing a zombie?”

This book has apparently decided that all Vampire Canon should just be thrown out. If you’ve heard a rumor about vampires, it’s wrong! Pop culture told you something about them? Nope, different. Saw a vampire do something even in this reality? Hmm, you must have been seeing things. One of the things that seems quite different is how vampires are created. No transfer of blood. No consecutive nights of feeding until the victim is drained. Apparently all it takes is one simple bite.

Tig shows us how it’s really done!

In the new DC Universe, Vampires act like zombies. And mummies act like zombies. And zombies act like zombies. And zombies zombies zombies. Zombie! Zombies? Yes! Zombies!

Once Tig is turned into a vampire, Andrew realizes that maybe he should get his friend John out of this dangerous situation. He grabs up John and flies to the top of a nearby mesa. Mary and Stormwatch join them to discuss zombie killing plans.

All DC’s secret organizations suck at remaining secret. And since the loss of J’onn and The Projectionist, you might as well just give up on the whole idea.

So Stormwatch and a couple of ancient vampires can’t figure out how to kill zombies but a bunch of crippled, tired, lost civilians in Walking Dead manage it every day. Maybe it’s easier to deal with zombies when you have a gigantic rotating cast of characters, none of which are plot immune to being killed.

Midnighter suggests that since Andrew Bennett was once known as The Demon’s Lock and once housed an ancient evil inside himself, that maybe he can do it again. Andrew agrees and he absorbs all of the evil magic infecting everyone in the area. Tig and all of the townsfolk and all of the vampires from earlier and all of the Van Helsings are instantly cured. Andrew has absorbed the magic that changed them. And one other person was devampirized: Mary. The only real problem with this solution is that all of the evil magic absorbed by Andrew Bennett has turned him into a raging, super magic, evil son-of-a-bitch Vampire Lord. And he’s hungry. Or horny. It’s hard to tell. Even in sign language it’s practically the same movement!

Tig is the first course! Or first new vampire. Again, depending on if he’s hungry or horny.

I, Vampire #12 Rating: No change. I was really losing interest in this title quickly. Most of this issue, I just couldn’t wait to be done. It was definitely heading down the charts. But then Mary was turned human and I think that could actually move this comic book in the right direction. The Andrew becoming evil plot twist doesn’t matter quite as much because I’m sure that’ll be fixed in no time. But hopefully Mary will remain human. That should kill the incessant return to the “I love you so much but why won’t you be evil like me” Mary Seward plot. Now it’s gone all reversy time!

I, Vampire #11

Why is that one zombie wearing a trucker’s cap? Was one of the Van Helsings a hipster?

While Andrew Bennett and Mary fight what are apparently mummies and not zombies like I assumed last issue (I guess once they died, the magical amulets removed their organs, stuffed them with crocodile dung, and duct taped their outsides (you know, the traditional way of making mummies (what the fuck do I know?))), I think I’ll take a moment to muse about the internet.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say “muse”? I meant muck! Muck about the internet. You didn’t think I was actually going to formulate some kind of coherent thought about the internet, did you? Maybe something along the lines of how much time I just wasted zipping from link to link with little memory of the things I just experienced? That isn’t exactly true this time I disappeared (which you wouldn’t have even known about had I not made a big deal about it). I was just checking out some of the early pictures from Curiosity’s landing. I listened to the landing last night on Coast to Coast while heading to work but that was pretty anti-climactic. Can’t a fucking radio station change their breaks around a bit when they realize the confirmation of Curiosity’s landing (I say “confirmation” due to the 14 minute delay between actual events and what we received) will take place while they’re away during their regularly scheduled advertising? Fucking jerks.

I also scanned my Tumblr feed, of course. Lots of animated gifs and monster girls. I don’t follow many Tumblr blogs but the ones I do follow, I try to keep varied. Lots of different viewpoints. I might start following more comic book blogs once I’m caught up on The New 52. I currently only have 15 left in the unread stack. Holy hell! Perhaps I should finish this Mummy/Vampire fight already so I can then read Superman and finally begin reading comics the week they came out!

So, let’s see who was winning. I hope the Mummies at least kill Mary. I’ve grown bored with her since the extent of Andrew and Mary’s relationship seems to be that they love each other but they have different ethical and moral viewpoints which keep them from experiencing happiness.

The Mummy/Vampire fight just continues on in the background of the comic book as Andrew yells at Van Helsing and Mary yells at Andrew and Van Helsing gloats and grabs his crotch. So surfing the internet was more interesting.

Meanwhile, Tig manages to cut through her bonds with the razor blade she uses to cut herself while weeping in the bathtub (presumably). She hits the autopilot button on the plane and then unties Professor John. But the plane still “crashes”. I put crashes in quotes because it actually makes a really good landing. But Tig and John survive only to notice a bomb in the back of the plane. Tig sees the bomb when it has one second left on the countdown and they she yells for John to run. And then the plane blows up.

I’m sure they’re okay.

I would have shown at least 10 to 15 seconds on the bomb to have Tig and Professor John survive. Or (and this is actually a better idea) have them put on Anubis necklaces to survive. Now Andrew can run around with his Mummy Squad solving mysteries. Maybe that’s too close to Frankenstein, Agent of Shade.

Andrew isn’t very pleased with this news. He tells Van Helsing exactly how he feels.

As Mary looks on lovingly.

Tig and Professor John show up wielding swords. John stops Andrew from killing Van Helsing because he doesn’t want Andrew to give in to his base vampire nature. He stops him by killing him himself. I guess everybody gets to be morally ambiguous when friends’ lives are in danger.

And the reason why one of the zombies on the cover has a trucker cap is because one of the Van Helsing mummies heads into town for reinforcements. I guess these mummies have zombie biting powers which turn their victims into other mummies. You know, the way zombies usually always do and mummies never do. But I’ll stick with Andrew’s designation that they’re mummies. Even if he started calling them zombies too. I just like mummies better.

Oh! And now he’s correcting Tig even though Andrew just said that thing in that panel up above about “before you turn into a zombie.”

Geez. Reading this comic book is like playing video games on an old Apple IIe with an amber display.

Some of the vampires bit the mummies and then were infected with the Van Helsing curse and became Vampire Hunters as well as Vampires. I suppose if one of them put on an amulet and was killed, then it would become a Vampire Mummy Vampire Hunter Zombie. But whatever combination of creature any of the people on the battlefield are, Andrew Bennett gives everyone the go ahead to kill anything that moves. Except, you know, each other. Bennett freezes the battlefield. Mary and Tig go about killing things and John collects amulets. Meanwhile, the Mummy that escaped into town to find reinforcements has done a pretty decent job.

Vampire Hunter Mummy Zombie Rednecks with Shotguns!

I, Vampire #11 Rating: No change. I’m slowly losing interest in this comic book. I blame the Justice League Dark crossover for fucking up the pacing and throwing the comic in a completely new direction.

Justice League Dark #10

Which brother runs the House of Mystery? Abel?

Last issue, Justice League Dark had acquired the Tesseract which would lead them to the Books of Magic. Aren’t those on Tim Hunter’s bookshelf? The New 52 merged with the Vertigo books, so Tim Hunter probably exists out there somewhere! I bet they meet up with him during this story arc! Although all the new comic book fans will claim he’s a Harry Potter wannabe.

As I suspected, Constantine wants the map for himself and Dr. Mist doesn’t mind going along with it.

John Constantine, being full of secrets (like Laura Palmer), just happens to have a key that causes any door to open onto the House of Mystery. It looks like it’s going to be Justice League Dark headquarters for the time being. And a safe place to store the Tesseract. Unless I’m using the word safe incorrectly. Doesn’t the House of Mystery have a bunch of residents that tell stories to pay for their drinks? Where are they? Maybe Constantine just avoids the rooms that are in use since he warns everyone not to go around opening random doors.

Meanwhile, Madame Xanadu is off spying on everyone as usual.

And, as usual, she’s seeing their apocalyptic future as well.

Her vision of the future continues and she sees that dead Constantine is really dead Black Orchid. And then Constantine appears with the Books of Magic and a warning for her, since he knows that Xanadu can see this horrible outcome in her visions and learn from her mistakes. Sure, sure. It’s one of those plots where the character acts because of a vision from the future. But since that’s all Xanadu really does, and since it pretty much stands to reason that the Books of Magic are so powerful they’re going to corrupt whoever uses them, this is an acceptable use of the trope. Madame Xanadu really doesn’t need any special powers to know that some magic items should be left alone.

I’m pretty sure he meant “Tim” and not “him.” So, yeah, looks like Mister Hunter will be returning!

Back in the House of Mystery, Constantine explains the legend of the books. It’s the usual story. Bound in human flesh. Inked in the blood of the first born. God angry with man. Books hidden across globe. You know? I’m pretty sure Disney made a musical out of it.

Constantine also explains the creation of the Tesseract.

Nobody but Constantine and Dr. Mist think finding these books are a good idea. But John drops the bomb on them all and reveals that it doesn’t matter what they think. They’re kind of in the quest for the long haul.

There it is! I figured master manipulator John Constantine could figure out a way to keep Justice League Dark together, even if it is against their will.

After realizing Constantine lied to her again (and possibly again (and probably another time (and then that other thing))), Zatanna storms out. Deadman follows her to convince her to stay until they find the Books and figure out what to do with them because, you know, leaving John alone with the map probably not a good idea. Which nobody tells Black Orchid and Dr. Mist who also leave the room to confer about what to do with the map and A.R.G.U.S. So while everyone is gone, Constantine fondles the Tesseract in just the right kind of way to cause trouble.

Remember these guys? I mentioned Faust was the first person to ever summon them last commentary. This is their New 52 debut!

Abnegazer, Rath, and Ghast steal the Tesseract and escape from the House of Mystery. And that’s when Constantine’s arrogance finally diminishes a bit and he realizes Faust played them all. Faust couldn’t open the map. But once he captured Dr. Mist, he realized The Black Room was real and it could help him open the Tesseract. All he needed was the A.R.G.U.S. team to come rescue Mist and capture him. That would get him close to The Black Room. Then he just had to wait until someone tried to fool with the Tesseract, releasing his demons who would bring him the Map and break him free. Which, you know, is entirely what happened. It’s actually a pretty good plan since it doesn’t actually rely on specific people coming to save Dr. Mist.

No, seriously, I’m actually giving the thumbs up on a comic book villain’s plan!

Anyway, the issue ends with Justice League Dark deciding their next move at the House of Mystery. Abnegazer, Rath, and Ghast have just arrived to break Faust out of his ARGUS prison cell as Steve Trevor was interviewing Faust to find out where the JLD went. So Steve Trevor might be in trouble! I don’t know if this takes place after Steve Trevor had his soul sucked by David Graves or before!

Justice League Dark #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lemire grabbed this title and hit the ground running. And I’d like to point out that he did it by incorporating and building on what Milligan wrote before! I don’t know that any of the New 52 writers that have replaced other writers have done this. If they have, they haven’t done it well. Usually they just go their own way and ignore everything that happened before. That’s just aggravating, even if what happened before was lousy. At least acknowledge it!