Aquaman #19

I still don’t know who this new king of Atlantis is and Johns isn’t giving anything away on the cover! Is there a God of Ice? And does he resent rising world temperatures which don’t simply destroy his domain but hand it over to the King of the Seas? Before anyone understood the reason water turned to ice and ice turned to water, people must have believed a God was doing it, right? So that’s this guy on the cover! If I understand how Gods work, then Zeus and Thor and Yahweh are just names for scientific processes that are not yet understood. Oh, and also to get oppressed people to not mind being oppressed so much because there’s so much awesome sauce to be had in the afterlife.

This issue begins with Aquaman summoning a gigantic underwater flea named Topo that I’m sure was created in the Silver Age and was really super goofy.

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Justice League #19

The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn’t so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm’s comic book isn’t long for the shelves, so he joined. I don’t know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that’s useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.

Like you’d expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.

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Aquaman #18

Aquaman has become an emo sad sack because he has to live with the fact that he fucked his brother big time just to impress a handful of super land dwellers. The other land dwellers are now all afraid of him. His Atlantean guards don’t trust him. He’s just a big fat mess and the only people left that will talk to him are fish. I’ll move this comic book to Rank #1 and shove Batman down to #2 if it’s just twenty pages of Aquaman pouting on the ocean floor.

Instead of pouting, Aquaman and his aquamen have been traveling around the world confiscating Atlantean weapons from humans who purchased them in suspicious circumstances from a fence named Scavenger. I’m pretty sure Aquaman confiscated Atlantean technology legally owned by people as well since Atlantis doesn’t give a shit about Land Laws.

So Aquaman is going around attacking legitimate business people like the whalers from last issue and sketchy assholes all over the world because he feels he has a reason for doing so. Just like his brother had a reason for attacking the Land Nations because they attacked him. I think somebody is a gigantic hypocrite who owes his brother an apology and a nail file inside of a delicious crab-cake. I think Aquaman gets away with his attacks because most of the Atlantean technology has fallen into the hands of criminals. But what if another Land Nation got their hands on a bunch of the technology? Aquaman would feel justified attacking that nation to get the weapons back, right? And then he’d start another internoceanal incident.

I don’t think the rest of the world knows what he’s doing though because Aquaman stories always get buried way in the back of the newspapers.

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Justice League #18

The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it’s time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I’ll get enough of that in the next comic book I’m going to read. If you’re really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be: Batman Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I’m going to treat everyone as if they’re really dumb so that I don’t make them feel dumb. And that shouldn’t bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won’t even notice a difference.

Smart Reader: “Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what’s happening in the comic books I’m too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!”
Dumb Reader: “You’re right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!”
Tess Ate Chai Tea: “The phrase “Duty. Honor. Country.” always makes me giggle because all I hear is “Doody on her cunt” and then I crack up.”

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Scavenger! (as seen in Aquaman #17)

Part 16 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal [As opposed to amateurs who don’t get paid or can’t find any sponsors?]
Marital Status: Single [How does anybody know this for sure? His alter ego is unknown?]
Known Relatives: None [At least this one makes sense because his alter ego is unknown, he has no known relatives. Marital Status really should be “Unknown”. I’m such a stickler.]
Group Affiliation: None [Because he hates Black Manta and Ocean Master. Who else is there?]
Base of Operations: Mobile [But probably underwater. Unless his Scorpion Ship is a space ship as well!]
First Appearance: AQUAMAN #37
Height: 5’9” Weight: 176 lbs. [I love how these statistics are always so specific even though his identity is unknown and the only other times he’s been encountered have been in his Shark Scuba Suit.]
Eyes: Unknown Hair: Unknown [Sure, you can get his exact height and weight but fuck if you can tell his eye or hair color through that mask!]

HISTORY
“Of the many mysteries held by the Seven Seas, the origin of the underwater villain Scavenger remains one of the greatest [Really? This jerk’s identity is one of the greatest secrets of the Seven Seas? This was either written by the creator of this nobody character or some six year old with a fascination for men in shark-shaped scuba suits and hyperbole.]. He appeared in the depths of the Atlantic to menace Aquaman (see Aquaman) and Aqualad (see Aqualad) in his search for the ‘time decelerator,’ an ancient device created by an alien super-civilization [Okay but what does it do?!]. Without the usual posturing and boasting of costumed villains, Scavenger went after his goal without explanation of his unusual motif and advanced scientific equipment [So what you’re trying to say is this guy is non-union? He’s actually the Scabvenger! Ha ha!].

Aquaman was able to destroy Scavenger’s heavily armed Scorpion Ship [Why a Scorpion Ship? How does that feature into his Shark-shaped Scuba gear? Where’s the overarching theme? I’m pretty sure he couldn’t explain himself because he just cobbled this get-up together out of spare parts. He’s definitely not in the Super Villain union.], but not before Scavenger gained possession of the decelerator. His prize, however, only succeeded in sending him on a seemingly reverse trip through time, devolving him to an infant, and then nothing [Well, I’m sure it was something. But you probably needed a microscope to see him.].

The decelerator sent Scavenger into a timeless limbo from which it took years for him to escape [I’m pretty sure by ‘timeless limbo’ the writer means ‘his father’s testicles’.]. Once he did, Scavenger [had to wait 21 years before being able to rent another Scorpion Ship?] had but one thought: to gain vengeance on Aquaman. He has yet to succeed [Because he’s only a little baby!].”

POWERS & WEAPONS
“Though possessing no powers of his own, Scavenger surrounded himself with super-scientific equipment [What makes something ‘super’ scientific?], which made him a formidable foe [And the Seven Seas’ greatest secret!]. His Scorpion Ship was equipped with a deadly arsenal ranging from an electrical field to cannons [Because when I think ‘super-scientific’, I think ‘cannons’!].

Scavenger’s costume includes a built-in oxygen supply that enables him to make forays into the deep. He is an adept underwater fighter, obviously having trained in order to be able to overcome the crushing pressures of the ocean floor [Oh yeah. Totes obvs.].”

Aquaman #17

I’m seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I’ve been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I’m curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!

Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.

“The art in this issue wasn’t up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman’s motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though.”

That was some good writing practice! I think I’m ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It’s uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It’s a truly mediocre American novel.

This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.

Aquaman: “The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, ‘The Seven Seas.’ But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, ‘Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!’ And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, ‘Hey guys! There’s a whole other sea on the other side of the island!’ And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, ‘MIND. BLOWN.’
Aquaman: “But then more successful cultures were all, ‘What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!’ And then an even more successful culture went, ‘Oh? You think they’re the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term—’ And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, ‘Ocean.’”
Aquaman: “And then everybody’s minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+.”

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Justice League #17

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko’s beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg’s Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn’t care what happens to the humans; they’re just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they’d be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that’s Mera’s theory and I’d believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

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