Aquaman #13

Aquadog is going to get one of The Relics and become a hero as well? I can’t wait!

Aquaman, you better get back to impressing me damn quick or I’m going to begin thinking up more jokes about you! I know, I know! It’s cool to think Aquaman is awesome. But have you noticed that everyone is trying just a little bit too hard to be a fan? Everyone is just a little bit too defensive. The underlying truth that you’re the most useless member of the Justice League can’t be erased by loudly shouting how amazing Aquaman is and photoshopping him defeating Cthulu. The one issue so far that focused on Mera was the best fucking episode of this title so far! It really should be about her since I like her powers better and I like her attitude better and I like her butt better. I also just think she has a more interesting story to tell. But I guess I’m stuck with you.

So impress me, Aquaman. Impress the fuck out of me.

The issue continues with Aquaman once again sending all of his friends away. They just want to help but he’s seen two of them die because of him and he’s had enough. It’s time for this rivalry with Black Manta to end.

I bet they kiss and make up.

Black Manta has Ya’wara’s teleportation orb, so Aquaman’s big moment where he confronts Black Manta alone never happens. Arthur heads back to The Others and they track Black Manta aboard The Operative’s airplane. On board, everyone gets all weepy and confessiony. Dr. Shin whines about it being his fault that he hired Black Manta so many years ago which resulted in Arthur’s father’s death. But Arthur acknowledges the doctor said his father’s heart attack was inevitable, so it wasn’t Black Manta’s fault. So Arthur whines that he’s to blame for everything since he killed Black Manta’s father by accident when he meant to kill Black Manta. But his friends point out that Black Manta’s father was a right old bastard that was wanted for murder, so it’s probably okay that Aquaman killed him. The whole situation is a gigantic clusterfuck that Aquaman and Black Manta have kept going for over five years now.

And not a very good one at that.

Eventually Black Manta’s teleporting stops in the middle of the ocean where he’s meeting with some Atlanteans in a giant ship shaped like a crawdad. They’re paying him for the return of the scepter and giving him control of the surface world once they take over everything. But Aquaman arrives in time to steal the scepter and kill the deal.

And it looks like Ocean Master, Aquaman’s brother Orm, is captain of the crawdad. But he’s not ready to confront Aquaman, especially now that Aquaman has the Scepter. Although he doesn’t have it for long. One of the Atlanteans has some kind of Spiderman web technology that he uses to grab the Scepter. As soon as he has it, Orm’s ship shuts down and sinks into the water, leaving Black Manta to kill Aquaman and his friends.

Or you know, vicey versy.

In the end, Aquaman risks his life to save all of his remaining friends and then doesn’t kill Black Manta when he has the chance. Oh, Aquaman. At least you could have been the Justice League member that kills his enemies. But I guess Wonder Woman already has that role.

When it’s all over, Aquaman questions whether it was Orm working with Black Manta or not. Is there any other villain from Atlantis that Aquaman would be dealing with? I have to stick with my assumption that it was Orm. By the way this issue ends, it’s possible the people behind retrieving the Scepter are simply trying to bring Arthur back to rule Atlantis. Perhaps its a group that wants to rid Atlantis of Orm’s rule. Whoever it is, they seem to think that Mera is going to stand in the way of getting Aquaman back on the throne. But that’s a story for next month.

Aquaman #13 Rating: No change. Although this series has had some of the best emotional moments, the overall plots haven’t really engaged me that much. Mera’s story was the best of the bunch so far. And The Others had a few issues that felt exciting but was ruined by other issues that spent many pages spinning its wheels and going nowhere. And the ending was a bit sloppy as well. Black Manta did all of this to earn some treasure and to rule the surface once Aquaman is out of the way (dead or underwater ruling Atlantis, I guess). But then when Aquaman defeated him, Black Manta readily called for Arthur to kill him. Seems to me like he got what he wanted and should have teleported out of there. I guess what he really wanted was to die by Aquaman’s hands. But he could do that anytime in anyway without some huge convoluted plot. Oh well. I guess Black Manta will be back in a few issues to try his hand at dying again.

Aquaman #12

This jerk was supposed to have been decapitated according to last issue’s cover.

It’s strange to see Aquaman working in team comics because he’s portrayed as such a quiet loner. It’s also weird to see Batman in teams as well but he loves pushing people around and flaunting his intelligence so much that he pushes his way into any team comic he can manage. Also, DC knows Batman sells titles. But Aquaman? Why did he join the Justice League? After helping defeat Darkseid and accidentally being a part of that conflict and part of the team, why did he stick around? What motivation led him to hang out with those guys? And how exactly did he pick up all of these Other guys, dragging them into his rivalry with Black Manta? How does a guy with Prisoner-of-War powers get involved with a deep sea expedition to recover ancient relics? Craigslist Atlantis?

The Others get in contact with Mera easily enough since they have the Operative on the team. She joins them by swimming across the ocean in a few seconds and then riding a water spout up into the Operative’s plane. From what I’ve seen of Mera’s powers, I’m beginning to think this series has the wrong character’s name on it. Mera is a fucking badass.

I have to agree with Ya’wara here. Aquaman has been acting like I’m used to Aquaman acting through all twelve issues. So he must have been different before he met Yoko Mera.

Vostok X and Prisoner of War argue about Arthur’s motivations as well. Vostok thinks Aquaman is protecting them. Prisoner-of-War thinks he doesn’t give a fuck about anything except killing Black Manta. I think Aquaman believes that The Others will louse up the whole revenge scenario by either killing Black Manta before he gets a chance or by pussing out and stopping him from killing Manta. It’s best if Arthur just goes in alone, controlling as many of the variables as he possibly can. He may care for these people in his own way. But he certainly cares more about getting revenge for his father’s death.

Meanwhile in the Tomb of the Dead King, Black Manta has uncovered the Scepter of the Dead King which somehow holds the key to humiliating Aquaman. I think it also holds the key to defeating Aquaman but Black Manta seems more keen on the humiliation part. On a ledge high up in the cave, Aquaman watches Dr. Shin refuse to help Black Manta. And even though Aquaman has harbored some intense hatred and blame for Dr. Shin concerning his father’s death, he finally sees that Dr. Shin has never meant him any harm. And he remembers a time when things were much easier.

“Go on, Arthur. Don’t mind that one Piranha in there. He’s cool.”

When Black Manta orders Shin killed, Arthur is forced into action and the final battle between Arthur and Black Manta begins. Or at least the final battle between them in this story arc. I hope. Issue #0 is next month so this is probably a good time to end this Others thing.

Arthur doesn’t really do much in this fight. He tries to throw Dr. Shin aside and then Black Manta smashes the hell out of everything with one blow of the scepter. Aquaman is pinned under a rock and Black Manta raises the scepter for the killing blow.

At this point, one has to wonder if Aquaman has finally met his match. Is he really going to be beheaded by Black Manta? Is there no one that can save him in this desperate hour of need? Oh, wait! I forgot the other people in the story that Aquaman couldn’t quite trust with his life. The guys he abandoned time after time. The guys who lived out the last few years of their lives in desperate pain, agony, and loneliness because Aquaman seemed to have been the one integral person in keeping this group of friends together. I guess they just didn’t have anything to talk about once he left. And in The New 52, making fun of Aquaman separates you from the cool, intelligent kids who have always liked Aquaman before it was cool. Otherwise their shared joy of making talks with fish riddles and deep sea knock knock jokes and what good is he on land or in space burns would have kept them together.

Vostok X: “I am so lonely all of the time. But at least I do not go on dates with lobsters!”
Kahini: “Do not feel lonely, Vostok. We are all your friends here. I see many, many years of good Aquaman jokes told together in our future. But I will not ruin the punch lines of any of them!”
Prisoner-of-War: “How many Aquamen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
Vostok X: “How many, Comrade?!”
Prisoner-of-War: “None because Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, or Green Lantern have already changed it!”
Ya’wara: “One time when Aquaman and I were fucking the shit out of each other in a lagoon, he came so hard that all the dolphins in the area came at the exact same moment. The White Tide lasted for the better part of a week.”
Everyone Else: *blink* *blink* *gag*

Where was I? Oh yeah! Mera and the Others arrive just in time to save Aquaman’s life! Boo! Hiss! I mean, Hooray!

Speaking of a return to making fun of Aquaman! When I first began reading The New 52, Aquaman Shrine began following me on Twitter because I was saying how much I liked the book. But then a few months later when everyone was raving about Aquaman, I tweeted how I was going to be the first one back on the making fun of Aquaman wagon. And they stopped following me. Fuck you, Aquaman Shrine and your super love of Aquaman bordering on the creepy and perhaps bestial! I don’t need you! I don’t need anybody! I’m going to start making extra fun of Aquaman to balance out your love for him. The Universe demands it!

Apparently the fight against Black Manta and his men is so easy that Mera and Aquaman can have a deep discussion about their relationship during it.

Save it for the counseling session, you guys!

Aquaman still tries driving everyone away. But those assholes still won’t go! And because they won’t go, Arthur’s life is saved yet again by Vostok X when Vostok dives in front of Black Manta’s Scepter to block the blow aimed at Aquaman.

If only Justice League International could have made Rocket Red’s death half as meaningful.

Well, that just about ate up all the pages left in the comic! So I guess Arthur is going to have to chase Black Manta down yet again. But perhaps Black Manta will go into hiding for awhile. And how is Arthur going to deal with having friends in his life?

But then I turn to the last page which is really just a gigantic waste of space. Although it does tell me that Black Manta will not be going into hiding at all. He’ll get to dance with Aquaman in one more issue! Will he die this soon in The New 52? I highly doubt it. I imagine he’ll be maimed and near death but somehow slip away.

Seriously? A full page for this? I guess the bigger you make the hero’s face, the more serious they are about whatever it is they’re saying. Aquaman is super dead serious about this murder plan!

Aquaman #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of good stuff going on in this comic even though I felt like the narrative fell apart for a bit. The main problem with this comic is the amount of full page and double page spreads. Tone it down a bit and get more of that good dialogue shit in there! That’s what’s really making this comic work.

Aquaman #11

The Decapitation of Black Manta!

Last issue, we learned are ABCs very well. Good job, kids! Good job!

Six years ago, Aquaman and The Others discovered The Dead King of Atlantis’s tomb and his collection of Relics. Aquaman’s relic is his trident. I thought it was his belt buckle up until now. But Arthur doesn’t care about the astounding find. He just wants the items as bait to lure Black Manta to him.

I guess it finally worked years later! Good job! Except for the part where everyone is being killed by him.

So the Globe allows for teleportation. The Seal allows for translation. The Shackles create some kind of shield. The Trident shoots bolts, I think? That leaves the Operative’s relic and Vostok-X’s relic.

Black Manta has appeared in Dr. Shin’s lab. I thought he wanted the belt buckle. But it looks like he wants Dr. Shin and his notes. Perhaps Black Manta just wants to find Atlantis for himself. Specifically, he wants to find The Dead King’s Tomb because he thinks The Others missed a seventh artifact.

I think that story about Aquaman ditching The Others for the Justice League is exactly how I speculated it happened! Or, you know, very nearly. Minus the cell phones and text messages.

Aquaman abandons his needy, second-rate Justice League to confront Black Manta on his own. Since Aquaman won’t play with them, The Others decide to go get Mera to take his place. While they’re off gathering Mera, Aquaman watches Black Manta and Dr. Shin at the site of the Dead King’s Tomb. Dr. Shin refuses to betray Aquaman again. But Manta manages to find the seventh relic anyway: The Scepter of the Dead King. This relic apparently caused Atlantis to sink.

You’re losing me, Aquaman! And realize that if you lose my interest for just one or two issues, I’m immediately going back to making fun of you. You don’t think I didn’t prepare hundreds of stupid Aquaman jokes in preparation of reading your new series? Yeah! But your stupid series was so good, I didn’t get to use any of them. But you’re slipping! And I’m ready!

Aquaman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Black Manta did not get decapitated. The art was sub-par, especially for this comic book. The Others are a bunch of needy bitches rallying around a guy who doesn’t seem to care, although he insists that he does. And the plot just felt lackluster. At least it took Aquaman eleven issues before I remembered how boring Aquaman can be when handled poorly.

Aquaman #10

They begin the fight on the streets of Germany and end up in a storm at sea!

A is for Aquaman. Aquaman’s real name is Arthur. He faces adversity. Anons ask him questions that simply say, “Asseater.” Aquaman is angry at all the assholes. Aquaman is from Atlantis.

B is for Black Manta. Black Manta is a bad man and a bully. He is battling Aquaman because they have a blood feud. He has a big head. He thinks he can beat Aquaman but he should know better. Black Manta’s name is not on the cover of the comic book. Black Manta is a black man.

C is for Curry. Curry is the most delicious food on every continent. Curry looks like crap but it tastes delicious. It is also Aquaman’s last name. Aquaman Curry. No, no! It is his civilian last name! Arthur Curry!

D is for Dr. Shin. Dr. Shin is a dick. Dr. Shin had delusions of grandeur. But Aquaman’s Dad did not let Dr. Shin publish his scientific findings. Dr. Shin decided to draw blood from Aquaman. He determined Black Manta could do the job. That did not work out so well.

E is for Entertaining. Entertaining is something I never thought an Aquaman book would ever be. Not for all eternity. Except I was wrong.

F is for Fathers. Black Manta was at fault for Arthur’s father’s fatal heart attack. Aquaman mistakenly felled Black Manta’s father while trying to find Black Manta. They will never be friends. Now they must fight the blood feud because neither can forgive the other.

G is for Geoff Johns. Geoff Johns gets to do whatever he wants with Green Lantern. “DC is going to Reboot all the characters? Not Green Lantern, Goddammit!” Green Lantern’s story goes on without any history getting thrown out like gross garbage.

H is for Homework. Black Manta did lots of homework to find the hiding places of The Others. See The Operative hurl Manta’s homework in the air so he doesn’t get shot full of holes?

I is for I. Why does The Operative have an “I” on his forehead? I don’t know! Perhaps it has to do with his secret identity?

J is for Justice League. Just why did Aquaman join the Justice League? Did his jumping Great White Sharks justify his inclusion on the team? Green Lantern could have just made construct sharks instead of jerking around some real sharks who were just going about their shark business.

K is for Keeping Secrets. “S” could have simply been for secrets but I didn’t want “K” to be for Killing. And what else is “K” going to be for? KKK? Kicking? Kebabs? Aquaman kept secrets from Mera. His secrets were not about kangaroos or a Kickstarter project. His kept secret was about killing Black Manta’s father. Oh look! K is for Killing!

L is for Lust. I love looking at Mera’s luscious body. Look at those legs! Look at those lips! Look at the other things that don’t begin with “L”! Wouldn’t you like to get laid by that? I hope she’s not a lesbian!

M is for Mera. Mera is a married woman so maybe I shouldn’t have said those other things! Mera is learning that her man might not be everything she thought he was. “M” may also stand for Manta’s man parts which you can see in the panel above.

N is for Nothing.

O is for Operative. The Operative is an old man. He is also one of The Others, Aquaman’s non-Justice League team who were hunting down Black Manta after Dr. Shin hired him which he kept secret from Mera. The Operative was out investigating Black Manta’s operation to find out why Manta wants The Others’ relics.

P is for Prisoner of War. Prisoner of War was practically murdered by Black Manta for making prank phone calls. No, I’m putting you on. Prisoner of War puts on his pals dog tags to get special powers. But Black Manta wanted his shackles for nefarious purposes. Manta is keeping secrets too!

Q is for Quarrel. Black Manta and Aquaman are having a quarrel. It is not quaint nor quiet. It is quite violent. I hope it’s over quickly.

R is for Relics. Black Manta is hunting for The Others’ relics. He has already retrieved The Seer’s Seal of Clarity. Now he’s robbed Ya’wara of her Globe. Prisoner of War rebuked his efforts to take his Manacles. Now Black Manta has run off to Dr. Shin’s remote island to steal Aquaman’s rustic Atlantean Belt Buckle.

S is for Something.

T is for Telepathy. Aquaman can talk to sea creatures with his telepathy. Ya’wara can talk to land animals with her telepathy. Aquaman and Ya’wara can touch each others minds with their telepathy which makes Mera totally jealous.

U is for Underwater. None of this issue takes place underwater.

V is for Vostok-X. Vostok-X has not ventured from his home on the moon yet. So Vostok-X was very much absent this issue. He is not a vampire.

W is for Walls. The walls in the DC Universe are weak. When someone wants to walk somewhere, they usually just walk through a wall.

X is for Vostok-X. Yes, I exceeded the expected limit of one concept per letter. Eat excrement! Eee! Tex creme meant!

Y is for Ya’wara. Yippee! Ya’wara wears a bikini all year round. Yes! Yee haw!

Z is for Ziege. Since this battle takes place in Germany, “Z” is the German word for Goat. Don’t say I never taught you anything.

Aquaman #10 Rating: No change. Half of this comic was simply The Operative breaking into Black Manta’s hideout. If that half had been more like the second half, I could have raised Aquaman’s rank. Oh well. I’m a fickle bitch.

Aquaman #9

Last commentary, I guessed this fight would take place in-between issues. It would be cool if this cover were the only representation of the fight and it was already over in the pages of this issue.

Black Manta is currently infiltrating a psychiatrischer krankenhaus so that he can murder Prisoner of War. If you had a Seal of Clarity like Black Manta, you could smash it against your computer monitor and the words “psychiatrischer krankenhaus” would change to “psychiatric hospital.” So I guess that’s what the Seal of Clarity does! It transmutes German words into English words. Or it probably just changes the world so that everything is understandable by the person smashing the Seal of Clarity on various surfaces in the world.

Prisoner of War is busy crank calling the relatives of his buddies who died in Desert Storm. Or the next Iraq War. Or the War in Afghanistan. Probably Iraq since photos of his buddies show them in desert camouflage. Black Manta seems to have something against crank calls.

When did Black Manta become a silent assassin?

Oh, scratch that caption! Black Manta sucks at silent assassinating! Manta just can’t help commenting on P.O.W.’s extreme crazy instead of going for the quick kill and ends up thrown across the room. P.O.W. only has time to put on one magic shackle before Black Manta shoots him in the chest with a harpoon. Now that’s more like the Black Manta I know! But P.O.W. manages to shoot Black Manta in the chest with a normal person’s weapon. He then leaps out the window to escape Manta and to keep the Magic Shackles safe.

Oh, and when I wondered last commentary if each of his Dog Tags grant him a special power? Well, they do! Because P.O.W. has the skills of each man who wore the tag before him. He is a medic and a paratrooper and a sniper and a brawler and a fuel truck driver and a shit ditch digger and a tank mechanic and probably even a military cook!

Meanwhile in the Amazon Rainforest, a full page fight is going on that looks a lot like the cover. So much like the cover that I won’t bother scanning it. But it does look like the fight is well under way and Aquaman and Ya’wara and the jaguar are winning.

Well, maybe not the jaguar.

Ya’wara has the ability to telepathically command animals the way Aquaman can telepathically command fish! Her power is much more useful, of course. But then she can be shot in the face and die while bullets just bounce off of Aquaman’s pressure toughened skin. With the help of some local pumas, Ya’wara and Aquaman put down the last of the attackers. Afterward, Ya’wara feels like a quickie connection with Aquastud.

I wonder what Vostok was doing when the Moon was busy attacking the Earth in Stormwatch.

Back at Dr. Shin’s place, Mera begins the grueling process of beating the crap out of him so he’ll tell her about his connection with Black Manta.

This is all prologue to Shin’s Manta story.

Since nobody would believe Shin about his boy from Atlantis, he searched for somebody who could help him restore his credibility as a scientist. He sent Black Manta to get a sample of Arthur’s blood. But when Manta attacked, Arthur’s father, Thomas, intervened.

Holy Mackerel!

So Black Manta has a right to seek vengeance against Aquaman! And Aquaman is revealed to be a gigantic douchebag! How is Aquaman going to come out of this smelling like sea roses? I don’t know! Probably because Black Manta is such a huge dick, Arthur can’t help but look good in comparison. And Black Manta did sort of cause the death of Thomas Curry. But it doesn’t really matter who is right and wrong here. This is how comic book rivalries should be! Neither one being totally at fault and neither one being totally free of blame. They both have extremely good reasons to hate one another.

Speaking of hating one another, Aquaman finally confronts Black Manta when Ya’wara teleports herself and Aquaman to Germany to try and save Prisoner of War. And that’s where this issue ends. I hope next issue doesn’t begin with this confrontation already half over!

Aquaman #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic continues to surprise while the last issue of Action Comics, while good, wasn’t really Super special. And the back-up story in Action Comics #9 was better than the main story! So Aquaman can have at least one week at Spot #2. Hell, if Batman #10 sucks ass, maybe Aquaman can be the best comic currently in the New 52! That’s crazy talk!