My 24 Hour Comic Book for 24 Hour Comic Book Day

I ran out of time so it’s only partially inked. Otherwise, enjoy!

Wonder Woman #12

I bet Brian Azzarello was called Assholerello at least once every day in elementary school.

Last issue, Apollo and Artemis kidnapped Zola after kicking Wonder Woman and Hermes’ asses. After which, Wonder Woman and Hermes appeared on Mt. Olympus to get their asses kicked a second time. I’m not sure what has changed that makes them think they can win this time. Perhaps that’s what makes Wonder Woman a true hero. I don’t think she said, “Is that all you’ve got?”, but I can tell she wanted to say it.

Round Two breaks out in the shadow of Zeus’s throne which Apollo is fighting for.

I wonder how many times in his long life Apollo has used this line when confronting Hermes? Also, the Sun God and the Moon Goddess look really nice together.

While the battle happens behind her, Hera decides to throw Zola off of Mt. Olympus and be done with all the drama once and for all. And she’s just in time as Zola’s water breaks as Hera is dragging her to the edge.

That is just a creepy thought and image. Perhaps DC’s next wave should have a title called Zola which simply takes place as she falls forever. She gives birth. She raises her child. She grows old. All while tumbling down the infinite face of Mt. Olympus.

Diana charges after her to save her but before she jumps to fall forever as well, Hermes throws one of his foot feathers at her. It looks like it simply melts into her and gives her the ability to fly. But will it last? Or will it simply deteriorate into the ability to glide? Anyway, she has it long enough to save Zola.

While Diana and Zola are fifty stories below the picture, Apollo sits upon the throne. Hera doesn’t try to stop him because she believes Zeus is too much of a narcissistic God to not exist. And she believes that in no way will he allow someone else to take his throne. When Apollo sits and Olympus shakes, Hera believes Zeus has returned. But the shaking is merely Olympus reforming to represent the aesthetic of its new master.

How Hong Kong of him.

In her jealousy and rage to deal with Zola and Zeus’s bastard, Little Zeus, Hera didn’t quite think through her plan. She also expected Zeus to come back before Apollo gained the power of the King of Gods. She’s beaten and with that comes exile. Apollo disappears her with a kiss and a wave of his hand. Apollo also didn’t completely think his plan through.

Those seeking power and respect often find the first thing they gain when taking a throne is paranoia.

Once Strife causes trouble because, you know, she can’t help it, Diana drops her bracelets to face Artemis. Being that they were a gift from Artemis, Wonder Woman feels she stands a better chance without them. And she was right. She thoroughly beats the green cheese out of Artemis.

I take it Apollo has seen the Max Lord footage and knows what’s next since he stops Wonder Woman before she breaks another neck.

Rather than seeing Artemis killed, Apollo makes a deal with Wonder Woman. He’ll leave Zola’s baby alone so that Diana doesn’t feel the need to fulfill the prophecy herself. Being Zeus’s daughter, she could possibly be the one meant to kill another God for the throne. She just about did it now! But Apollo puts a condition on the deal: if it turns out Zola’s baby is the one to slay a God, then Diana must kill the child herself.

Hmm. If Diana kills the child, then she’s killing a God for the throne and fulfilling the prophecy. Which would mean that the child was never the one that was meant to fulfill the prophecy and thus Diana wouldn’t need to kill it! But if Diana doesn’t kill it, it could possibly be the one to fulfill the prophecy! Prophecies make my head hurt!

After striking the deal, Diana heads back to Earth. She finds Lennox bandaging himself and Hera crying in the streets. And then from inside the clinc, she hears Zola screaming Herme’s name. After delivering it, he took it and disappeared.

Zeus missing and now Hera is mortal. Times. They be changing.

For his own reasons not yet explained, Hermes takes the child to Demeter. Just another side with their own agenda, whatever it might be. It sounds like, possibly, they want a huge shift in God Regime. So perhaps they want to raise the child to destroy Olympus. Still, though, their reasons are a mystery.

And the final page shows Orion of the New Gods boom tubing somewhere. Why not?! The more Gods, the bloodier!

Wonder Woman #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I should just leave Wonder Woman and Action Comics in a tie for second place! So much goodness.

DC Universe Presents #12: Kid Flash

The hardest part about a Flash/Kid Flash story is making it believable. They should be able to overcome any enemy as long as their foes don’t also have super speed.

For those intelligent people refusing to read Teen Titans until Scott Lobdell is replaced as writer, let me give some background on this story. In the pages of Teen Titans (as the cover states), Kid Flash was out getting Chinese Food when some half-dinosaur, half-teenaged kids come out of Danny the Alley and get up to no good. Luckily Kid Flash is there to stop them! But too bad he couldn’t stop them in the eight pages the story was allowed in the back of Teen Titans! Now they had to waste a whole issue of DC Universe Presents on it!

Oh look! Kid Flash gives the readers a summary on page one.

Thanks for the help, Bart Allen!

I captioned that panel with that Bart Allen bullshit because there’s too much to talk about in that panel for it all to be underneath in bold text. First off, “those very few” not following his adventures? There is no shame in that! Don’t be guilted into thinking you’re missing a fantastic title by Bart Allen’s hyperbole! Teen Titans is an awful title right now. This is primarily because Scott Lobdell is writing the series and he was never meant to be a writer. Maybe he dreamed of being a writer some day. But when a guy sends in scripts to Marvel that are rejected by Tom DeFalco, another crappy writer, you know he stinks. So don’t think you should give Teen Titans a chance just because DC is using DC Universe Presents as a commercial to try to swell its numbers.

Second, N.O.W.H.E.R.E.’s base was in the Antarctic, not the Arctic. Hey, Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, and Fabian Nicieza! Here’s an elementary school website that helps explain the differences: Arctic versus Antarctic. They are not the same! Stop using them interchangeably. My guess is that someone someday will realize how many times this mistake was made across multiple issues and retcon some idiot explanation.

Third, how the hell was Mystery Island a “land made from jigsaw patches of different places and points in time”? The only thing they encountered there were dinosaurs! If I were Kid Flash, I would have described it as an island that time forgot! You know, like that war in G.I. Combat? The way he describes it makes me think Mystery Island is an old staple of DC that has been used before. The way it was used in Teen Titans, I never would have guessed they could have stumbled upon old west gunslingers or some rocket pack packing future people.

Fourth, if Kid Flash and the rest of the Titans realize that Danny the Alley is actually Danny, then I want to see them visiting him occasionally! That would be entirely super duper crazy fucked up if they just forget about him and leave him to a life of stray cats, overflowing dumpsters, and pissed on walls.

Fifth, nice of a writer to begin stating that continuity doesn’t matter. A comic book like DC Universe Presents would be a great place to tell tales out of continuity. A place where writers could go no holds barred and just forget that their story takes place in DC’s new world building environment. But of course that won’t happen and saying “continuity doesn’t matter” isn’t true. It’s just a clever way of saying, “This story is a silly bit of fluff that doesn’t really mean anything.” Which I’m not against! I’m ready to read a fun story from DC, believe me! I’m just not sure “Dinosaur Teenagers” fits the Hadrosaur’s bill. I mean the bill on his baseball cap since he’s a teenager! Ha ha! Dinosaur humor!

Just one more question before I begin reading the actual story:

What the hell does this mean?! Is Scott Lobdell a genocider?! Maybe Fabian is calling him a Neanderthal? I’m super curious!

Fabian Nicieza wasn’t kidding when he said forget continuity. Kid Flash is chasing after the Pterodactyl girl and filling nine large Narration Boxes with comments about teenage girls ignoring him and how hot the pterodactyl girl is and how fighting with her probably means destroying a possible romance with her. Kid Flash definitely isn’t thinking like a normal teenaged boy that’s just begun a romantic encounter with a smoking, black naked super chick. Perhaps his romantic feelings pass just as quickly as everything else for him. Or his ADHD causes him to forget about Solstice while he’s trying to nail the dinosaur girl.

Even in Kid Flash’s Narration Boxing, Nicieza drops any thought about continuity. He thinks (or Narration Boxes, to be more accurate, since the boxes don’t work at all like thought bubbles used to): “And is it even the least bit odd she speaks English?” And then when he begins speaking to her, knowing she speaks English, he says, “Fight’s over. No mas! Me: Friend. You speakezie English, right?” What the hell is wrong with this kid? I think he might be a bit unraveled from time travel and running fast. I should probably give him a break.

Turns out Dinosaur girl speaks English, French, Italian, German, Mandarin, and Japanese. I do appreciate that she says she’s “conversant” in these languages and not fluent. Unlike that Siobhan over in Supergirl who says she’s fluent in Kryptonian but whenever she speaks it, she’s always all “Ye this” and “Ye that” and “shillelagh begorah” and “blarney leprechaun.” Although maybe by saying conversant, she actually means she’s pretty much fluent. She speaks really well the English, yes?

Kid Flash kind of makes friends with this girl called “Dac.” He continues to hit on her because he’s just a maja playa like that. I don’t blame him though. She is kind of hot in a “pterodactyl ate her head” kind of way.

So is she just a normal girl living in the skin of a dinosaur?

But before Kid Flash can get out of the batter’s box, he’s attacked by her friend, Teryx. Kid Flash’s impression of him makes no sense.

Kid Flash learned how to Narration Box at Grifter’s School of Profound Nonsense and Seemingly Understandable Inanity.

Basically, he’s cool because he seems like a rugged man? Is that how to interpret that thought full of stereotyping and gender-related hate speech? Is Kid Flash saying “men” need to be a certain way to be “cool”? You’re not going to earn many intelligent, life-long friends with those kinds of thoughts, Kid. So it’s good they’re just thoughts. Keep ‘em to yourself, buddy!

Dac jumps in to stop the fight since she was busy flirting with Kid Flash. Well, she was telling him how many languages she spoke which is pretty impressive! That could be interpreted as flirting, right?

Dac’s costume really is super cute. Silly and impractical, but cute.

Dac calms everyone down and Kid Flash rushes off to find their third friend, Steg. He manages to find him hassling some customers in a Chinese restaurant which has lizards in terrariums in the dining room. He’s pretty pissed off about this for some reason and he releases a gas that transforms the lizards into man-sized dinosaurs. Kid Flash arrives a bit too late to stop him and ends up fleeing from the roomful of carnivores.

I actually like this bit here. Notice no Narration Boxes to get the point across? That’s because I cut it out of that top panel. Not. Needed.

Teryx explains that Steg is a dino-supremacist which explains why he flipped the fuck out in the Chinese restaurant. But Dac says it’s not so simple. He’s just smart and misunderstood. And in the space of the last ten minutes that Kid Flash has spent around them, he comes to a conclusion.

Wow, Bart. You’re so observant.

(continuing from the caption) Except this comic hasn’t shown any of that so far! Dac has defended Steg but she also showed how much she cared for Teryx when she held him and helped him out when Kid Flash pummeled him. So this conclusion really just comes out of nowhere. But now that the writer has told me that there is a love triangle going on here (actually, to be a true love triangle, Steg needs to be in love with Teryx), I feel all sad and heartbreaky and melancholic for poor Teryx and the forlorn position he’s in. cri cri.

Teryx tries to help Kid Flash stop Steg but when they find him on a nearby roof with Dac, Steg has thrown his sack of dinosaur-making gas on a street light across the way. Teryx warns if the sack is ripped by Steg shooting one of his manticore barbs into it, it’ll douse hundreds of people and change them into monsters. Steg shoots at the sack and while Kid Flash is picking the barbs out of the air at super speed, Dac and Steg disappear underground. Seems they lied to Teryx and they were basically eloping away from the Mysterious Mystery Island of Mysteries. Teryx decides it’s his mission to stop them and keep them from causing any harm. Kid Flash realizes he needs to report to the Teen Titans and they need to stop the other dinosaurs Steg created as they rampage across New York.

He’s being serious. You really are a masochist if you’re currently reading Teen Titans.

DC Universe Presents #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I’m dropping this title two ranks to show my extreme disapproval for it being used in this way. This was really just an advertisement for people not reading Teen Titans to try to bring them over to read that book. This tale could have been told in Teen Titans since they’ve been doing short stories and short-short back-up stories in Lobdell’s books lately anyway. It’s an awful idea with dumb creatures that should never have made it’s way into this book.

Batman #12

I knew Batman received his powers through black magic rituals.

The Court of Owls story arc is finally over so that’s all there is to be said about that. Over. Finally over! It was good but…man! Finally over!

The story begins in the sewers with Harper Row, the girl who shocked Batman back to life when she dragged him from the icy rivers after he escaped the labyrinth underneath Gotham during the Court of Owls story! I’m still not sure who she is but I think she may have had some kind of important role during the Pre-52 universe. Perhaps she was to Batman as Bibbo was to Superman. Or as Sixpack was to Hitman! Whoever she is, it looks like she’s just going to get a one-shot storyline here to catch the reader up on how she found Batman and where she goes from there. Because after this issue (and Issue #0), Snyder will be bringing The Joker back! Yay!

Harper has been invited to a Bruce Wayne Gala even though she’s not really anybody important. But since Mr. Wayne is tearing down the building she and her younger brother currently live in, the tenants of the building have been invited as special guests. Not because they’re being put out on the street. But because Mr. Wayne is building a newer, better, more expensive with probably higher rents building! Perhaps he’s invited them all to the fundraiser so that he can give them checks to pay for the motel they’ll be living in for the next two years.

Harper’s brother Cullen wants her to relax and have a good time and stop worrying this night. She seems to be the responsible one, working to pay their bills, keeping her brother safe from gangs and violence, and trying to find their father. Do I know anyone in the DC Universe with the last name Row? Nope! I don’t! Harper doesn’t want to go but her brother finally convinces her.

I think Cullen needs to be fitted for a refrigerator.

At the gala fundraiser, Alfred catches Harper stuffing her backpack full of desserts from the dessert table.

No wonder I’m such a fan of Alfred Pennyworth! I’m currently having the brownies too!

Delicious!

Alfred instantly pegs Harper as the poor person who won the raffle to attend Bruce’s gala. Alfred probably recommended the brownies because he stuffed them with gold bullion. Harper has Alfred show her the way out with her backpack stuffed full of sugary goodness. He does his best public relations act to try to get her to believe that Bruce Wayne means what he says when it comes to improving Gotham but Harper isn’t exactly holding her breath.

Harper returns home to find her brother beaten and bleeding. His hair has been chopped and the assailants shaved the word “fag” into the back of his hair. Cullen pleads with her to leave it or else they’ll just attack him and do it again. So she does. But she fixes her hair up too.

Solidarity, homo!

Later that night as Cullen and Harper are heading home, they’re accosted by the assholes that beat up Cullen. They act upset that Harper has that haircut when they didn’t give it to her. Just like typical assholes. They can always think up a fucking stupid reason to escalate a situation to violence. My favorite is when an asshole makes a shitty comment toward someone and when the person talks back, it’s somehow disrespecting the original asshole. And now he has a reason to punch that person in the face. Because how dare they fucking defend themselves with words!

Harper has a taser she’s adjusted so that it spits out way more volts than normal (or amps? I don’t know which she changed to make it more dangerous). She knocks down one thug but then she and Cullen are suddenly surrounded. This looks like a job for Superman!

Or, you know, this guy.

Once Harper and Cullen are rescued by Batman, Cullen’s troubles seem to disappear for the time being. But Harper becomes obsessed with Batman. She watches footage of him on the internet but it’s all shaky and vague because it’s all been captured via smart phones and hand held cameras. So she decides to log into the street cameras to get a better look, being that she has some slightly illegal access to them being an electrician for the Gotham power grid.

But the access doesn’t get her any more footage of Batman.

It doesn’t give her any images but it does give her ideas. It’s a mystery to discover!

She’s a modern day Velma!

Harper also finds a way to use the Bat Boxes to track Batman. And that’s when she sees one go down and rushes off to the sewers to help him out. She reactivates the Bat Box but is nearly run down by a large yacht in the sewers. Batman knocks her out of the way with some kind of Bat Cushion Grapple Deal. She sees the boat go by with Batman fighting a tiger on it! This is the kind of crazy shit that goes down in Gotham’s sewers! To help Batman, she turns a valve for the sewer run-off which grounds the boat and throws the tiger overboard. Batman catches the guy he was after (Tiger Shark!) and then notices the valve and the missing girl he had to save.

He’s quoting Rorschach.

Later, Batman approaches Harper while she’s working in the sewers. He tells her she’s finished. She tells him, “But…but…but…I was helping!” Batman repeats, “You’re finished.” Harper says, “But…but…but….” And Batman is gone. But Harper decides she’s not finished at all! Who the fuck is Batman to tell her what to do? He can’t just save her and her brother from continual torment from the dregs of society and not expect her to try and help him out! And I guess lucky for Batman, she ignores him. So she can be there to revive him during the Court of Owls story. In your face, Batman! You’re not always right!

Batman #12 Rating: No change. The story was a nice, interesting one shot. The art for the first twenty pages was cute and sort of anime-ish and comic booky and cartoony and I liked it a lot. The art for the last eight pages was kind of goofy and weird. Most of it I didn’t care for but there was one panel of Harper lying on the couch feeling good about helping Batman and that one was cute and looked nice. If the rest of Clarke’s panels looked like that, I think I’d really like his work. As it was, it just looked half-assed.

Batman and Robin #12

It would be okay if Terminus unmasked Batman since Terminus only has a few hours left to live.

Batman and Robin have confronted Terminus in Finger Square in Gotham City. Along with Terminus are his army of thugs and henchmen who have all, at one time or another, been on the wrong side of Batman’s Beat Stick. That’s a lot of angry dudes! Good thing Damien is here to back up Bruce and begin a smaller club based on thugs maimed by Robin.

Too bad Terminus is almost dead. I actually like his homage to Batman costume.

This guy seems like a big armored up Bane. I’m not a fan of Bane although maybe a rereading of Bane and Batman’s history (and perhaps Knightfall, of course) would change my mind. I guess I wasn’t reading much Batman at the time when Bane first appeared. So I always just pictured him as this big, dumb, drugged up brute of a guy. I think his Venom drug enhanced his intellect as well though or else he really should never have stood a chance against Batman, let along break him. Oh, but I was talking about Terminus! I like Terminus’s look and he manhandles Batman fairly easily at first. I also like Terminus’s back story with his army of thugs maltreated by The Batman. Too bad he’s going to die!

I wonder how many more paragraphs I can end with restating that Terminus is going to die (I think this one counts as well!)?

If by seeing one lunatic, you’ve seen them all, how many lunatics has Batman seen? All of them cubed? All of them to the tenth power? The hundredth?

Because Terminus wants to prove a point, he resists crushing Batman’s skull until Batman acknowledges that he’s, as Batgirl says, been a jerk many times over. This gives Batman a chance to shoot the blade things on his gloves into the face mask of Terminus, shattering it. Has Batman’s spikes on his gloves always had this power? I can’t imagine somebody hasn’t had Batman use them this way before. They seem like they might be a little dangerous though. What if they went off accidentally while he was walking or swinging through downtown? I guess that could be said for all of his wonderful toys.

Once Batman has the upper hand, he commands the Batmobile to destroy a building with a laser and drop it on Terminus. Normally I’d complain about Batman so casually destroying the infrastructure around them but the building is probably owned by Bruce Wayne.

Meanwhile, Robin gets knocked through the front window of a knife store by Bootprint Face. That’s probably going to mean Bootprint Face is about to get cut up really badly.

While Terminus is escaping from the rubble, Batman slides under the Batmobile and is fitted with a Batman Armored Defense And Strength Suit. Now that Batman has leveled the playing field, it becomes a giant bout of fisticuffs!

That’s what I said! Sort of.

Robin begins throwing knives into the thugs surrounding him, consciously avoiding hitting any main arteries. I wonder if it’s harder to avoid stabbing them in the arteries when I’m sure he was trained to target all of the areas that would quickly kill an assailant? But since there are so many enemies, he’s eventually grappled by some mutant beast that looks like three humans involved in a teleport accident. I think it might be Brundle Guy. Luckily help arrives (like he needs it!).

OMG! Monster boobies!

I’m surprised Red Hood continues to stick around. It’s possible he wants to be written by a decent writer for awhile so he just hung back in this comic for as long as he possibly can. Even though he’s supposed to be in space right now helping save Tamaran. Even if Tamaran survives the fight against whatever aliens are taking it over now (forgive me for not remembering!), the planet is still about to be destroyed by Invictus and replaced with the fake Tamaran from his Orrery!

The Robins seem to have a pretty good handle on the thugs while Batman finally figures out a way to shut down Terminus. He pulls all of the cooling rods out of Terminus’s suit. But Terminus still manages to toss him fifty feet into the air. He continues to pummel Batman until the thing we all try desperately to ignore—by reading comics or browsing the internet or playing sports or having sex or eating delicious food or lounging in the sun or working hard or playing role-playing games or raising families—catches up to him.

There never is.

The only problem is that a warhead filled with a deadly toxin was set to launch as soon as Terminus’s time ran out. Terminus is still alive but incapacitated. He’s dying and he can’t help but tell Batman about the rocket because he needs to see the look on Batman’s face when Batman learns that he’s failed his city. It’s all he wants before he dies.

Batman, of course, doesn’t know what it’s like to lose or to quit. Luckily his Augmentation Suit has rocket thrusters! He blasts off into the sky to stop the rocket from exploding over Gotham.

Instead of just standing there looking majestic and trusting that daddy will fix everything, how about one of you call up Superman? You know, just in case?

Batman manages to override the rocket’s guidance systems while riding on the back of it. He steers it so that it explodes in the harbor underneath the water. Batman jumps off and safely heads back to the ground using one of his many means of doing that trick. Meanwhile, the fish and other lifeforms in Gotham Harbor have become immune to toxins and disease because of all the pollutants. Probably. That’s my speculation anyway. And Robin can’t let Terminus die thinking maybe he’s beaten Batman.

That is one cruel kid.

And finally, there’s the confrontation between Damien and Dick. And it’s nearly perfect.

Dick Grayson has become one of my surprise favorite characters of The New 52.

Batman and Robin #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. Ignoring my rankings off to the side for a second (because they’re mostly biased, unscientific bullshit), Batman and Robin is far and away one of my favorite titles in The New 52. It’s got a little bit of everything and it’s all handled and balanced really well.

Frankenstein Agent of Shade #12

Comparison Test Time! If your mind instantly translated “ring” as “anus” and then interpreted the cover as such, you might be me!

So Belroy tells him to the tune of The Decemberists song, “The Mariner’s Revenge.” Fuck me, I know. What was I thinking?

Frankenstein had found himself,
With hardly any help
In the belly of a whale.
To find the hidden mole
Was his entire goal
And he was hot upon its trail.

Frank learned a little thing
About the Satan’s ring
In Leviathan’s graveyard.
Frank set to kill the beast
And set the agents free
A task that wasn’t very hard.

Frank’s past life memories plagued him with fear and doubt.
Visions from dead organs that filled him throughout.
Oh oh!

Frank killed the giant fish
And got his only wish
To discover Shade’s secret base.
He kicked the damn door in
And found Crowly within
But she cowered at his rage.

The Scare-eb army tried once more to stop him dead.
Frank destroyed their army in a few seconds.
Oh oh!

And then he found Mycroft,
An agent fat and soft
Who’d had visions of the future.
He’d seen his death at hand
Brought by this big green man
Which he did not want to occur.

He labeled Frank a traitor so he would be set free.
All that did was to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh oh!

“Save me! Spare me!
Please let me go free!
I was just saving my own ass!
How could I have known?
My own actions would be to blame
For the coming of my own death?”

Frank stopped choking him
When Satan’s Ring grew dim,
And switched to showing Nina dying.
A magic trap was tripped
And Khalis’s power stripped
And used to raise Leviathan.

Nina’s helmet was shattered from the magic trap.
And Frank decided he had had enough of Mycroft’s crap.
Oh oh!

The choking began again,
This time it all would end.
Frank just couldn’t take it anymore.
He looked into his eyes,
And finally realized
The real monster was this bore.

Agent Mycroft could feel the life slipping from his lungs,
And in the whistle of his final breath he might have sung:

“Save me! Spare me!
Please let me go free!
I was just saving my own ass!
How could I have known?
My own actions would be to blame
For the coming of my own death?”

There was a new voice that reached Frank’s ears
As he finished off this man.
“You’re the face of the worst of humanity,”
Spoke Doctor Victor from the past.

Frank left him on the floor,
And bolted to the door,
To kill the Leviathan!
He sliced into its side,
And gored it from inside.
But the way he won was quite random!

The mighty creature had a severe allergy to Frank.
It blew up and died in a giant roaring sea of flames.
Oh oh!

Frank was burnt alive.
Frankie almost died.
But Khalis saved his life!
He’d saved Nina too,
And changed her through and through
So she could keep her helmet at her side.

Afterward, the ex-SHADE agents joined with Frankenstein
To help him defeat the recently returned Doctor Frankenstein.
Oh oh fuck you if I want to rhyme Frankenstein with Frankenstein!

The motherfucking end already. Ugh! I’m never doing that again!

Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. The entire issue was told as past events from Agent Belroy (via the camera in Frank’s head) to Father Time. So it was a wholly narrated piece. But it worked well. And I guess Doctor Victor Frankenstein has something to do with The Rot and he’s back. Which is why a few issues of Frankenstein are going to join the Rotworld Crossover. I hope that works out for everyone!

Also, I should point out that last commentary I called the self-fulfilling prophecy!

Batgirl #12

Dick Grayson’s wet dream. I wonder if Dick Grayson finds Pippi Longstocking sexy?

Dear Diary:

It’s me again! Babs! I know! As if you don’t remember me! LOL! I was thinking about calling you “BATGIRL’S WAR JOURNAL” but instead decided you’re more of a Miss Stephanie. I didn’t finish telling you what happened between me and the detective last night! I passed out after eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cake Batter ice cream and drooled all over the place. Disgusting!

Anywayz, the detective was getting all crybaby on me when I just wanted her to answer some questions about Nightfell. But she’s all, “wah wah wah my husband died wah wah i became depressed boo hoo hoo!” Seriously, lady! We all have problems. Just tell me what I need to know! But before she could fill me in on her connection to Charlize “Nightfell” Charon, the rich little snobby girl, we had some unexpected company!

OMG! Can’t anybody in Gotham use a door?!

It was Batwoman! I’d never met her in person. I always thought she looked so gothy and statuesque but up close? Seriously? Have you ever heard of daylight? Do you go out fighting in your Noxzema skin cream? I thought I was getting a little pasty with all my late night patrols! But aside from her ghoulish complexion, she was one hot mama! Good thing she’s into chicks or I might be nervous about her stealing Nightwing away from me.

I couldn’t figure out why she was attacking Detective Melody. I thought Batwoman hunted down Urban Legends? Why wasn’t she out searching for that guy who murdered that little girl’s dog? You know, the guy who hid under the bed and licked the little girl’s hand all night long? Or maybe she should be investigating that well to hell geologist’s found! Or figure out why that car always smelled like dead bodies! A bad detective who always takes the side of the bad guy and hates the super heroes isn’t an urban legend in Gotham! That’s the status quo! LOL!

And can you believe this, Miss Stephanie?! Detective Melody begins shooting at Batwoman! What is wrong with that pig? Did she forget the memo that the Bat Symbol means we’re the good guys?! Except for that other night when Terminus went around branding everybody in Gotham with the Bat Symbol. That was totally f’d up! Now half of Gotham has scarification bat symbols on their chests. I don’t think I could seriously date a guy with the bat symbol burned into his skin. I mean, I know it wouldn’t have been his fault but it’s just silly. It would be like dating Batman! *shudder* You can’t think of your pseudo father figure every time you want to make out with your man, right?! I guess you could if you were all weird and stuff and got off on your step-father. But that just sounds icky and super icky.

This is what happens when you shoot at the Bat-Family!

I figured Batwoman had every right to kick Melody in the tits. Heck, Miss Stephanie, I’ve wanted to do that every time I’ve run into her. But I figured I could talk it out with Batwoman, you know, woman to girl. But that bitch kneed ME in the tits too! WTF?!

Oh yeah! I made a note to myself while fighting Batwoman! Let me stick it in here so I’ll remember for next time.

So here I am updating: “GD that B can F!” Oh, I should clarify that the “F” stands for “Fight”! Also the “B” stands for “bitch” and not “Batwoman”! Hehehe.

Let me tell you, Miss Stephanie, that first fight against Batwoman didn’t last long! While she was analyzing my fighting style and how to beat her, I was analyzing her analyzing my fighting style which is why she beat me! I’m so pathetic sometimes! WAH! Batman would be so disappointed.

Her white skin is because she’s made of marble! OUCH!

After I surrendered (yeah, yeah, I surrendered! What was she going to do to me? She’s a BAT! A good gal!), Batwoman was all, “I’m taking the detective to see Mr. Skullybones.” And I’m all, “Oh no you are not!” I figured acting as if I hadn’t really been trying earlier was my best bet. Maybe she’d back down if I talked tough! At least I said, “Uncle!” when she smashed me in the face instead of “Is that all you’ve got?” I learned pretty early on that they’ve usually got a whole lot more.

While Batwoman and I were negotiating, Detective Melody received a call from Nightfell! Nightfell had caught that one legged car thief and was threatening to kill him if I didn’t meet up with them all alone! Oh man. Why do I gotta care so much about the poor people? So that’s what’s happening tonight, Miss Stephanie. I gotta go fight Nightfell and Mister Bleck and Bonerbreaker and Antarctic again tonight. I just stopped by to take a quick shower and change my panties. The worst part about patrolling is you never know when you’re going to get a potty break and then you find yourself really having to go and then Batwoman smashes you in the face with her face and you pee a little bit. I hope nobody noticed!

Anywayz! Good night for now, Miss Stephanie! I’ll tell you how it turns out later if I’m not killed. LOL!

Batgirl doesn’t know about this so it isn’t in her diary!

Dear Miss Stephanie!

I’m back! I’m exhausted but I figured I’d better get this down before I pass out. I’m lying here in my underwear with my Batgirl costume kicked under the bed because I’m just too tired to put it away. I hope Alysia doesn’t wander in and wonder why I’ve got a hot leather suit under my bed! LOL! She’ll think I’m super kinky. Hmm. What if Alaska her new cat from the freaky boyfriend comes in and steals my utility belt? Maybe I should put it up. But I have to tell you about my night with Batwoman first! OH WOW STARSTRUCK!!!

I’m going to be just like her some day! Screw Bat-Patriarchy! Batwomen rule!

So I go to meet Nightfell and her goons on top of the Three Penny Towers or whatever and of course Nigthfell isn’t there! What a coward. She sent Blecky Nickels and Bonerbreaker and Karthardic to stop me. Pshaw! AS. IF. Didn’t someone give these ladies the memo? I’M THE GODDAMNED BATGIRL!

Seriously. She said, “Kill her ass.” WTF?! Jealous much, you over-muscled, flat-assed ho?

These bitches told me if I came alone, I could save the car thief they maimed. But they killed him before I even got there. Well, they broke their deal, so I broke mine! Alone when I knew I’d be facing a bunch of liars and murderers and, as Alfred would call them, “retreaded good-for-nothings.”

Boy, I sure could use some of Alfred’s waffles right now! A couple of waffles with a doughnut in the middle and sausage in the middle of the doughnut covered in sugar and honey! OH GOD I NEED A MAN! I mean, I’m hungry! Oh, but first let me finish my story about how I broke the deal as well!

OMG! LOL! Why did she scream “Fire in the hole”? Is that some sex thing I don’t know about?

I wonder what would happen if I did a Google image search for Batwoman, Batgirl, and Rule 34?!

Eww! OMG! ICK!

Whose webpage is this from? Who the hell is Jimmy Olsen?! Gross!

While Batwoman and Melody continued the fight on the roof, I went after Nightfell! Using Melody’s codes, I managed to make my way into her office. Inside, she had a cage with Ricky the car thief in it! He was alive! There was also some other poor schlub in the cage. I began picking the lock to save Ricky but that skank Cherise knifed me in the back while Ricky tried to warn me! Ugh! I’m still really angry about that. And in pain. Um, I should probably go rebandage this wound since I’m beginning to bleed on the sheets. I’ll tell you the rest of the story later, Miss Stephanie! Ow. OW! Gotta go!

Batgirl #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, okay. I’m trying to look past the incessant Narration Boxing and it’s working. Once I decided to grasp it and read the comic and write the commentary as if Batgirl were updating her diary, I began to like Batgirl more. I think she should be sillier and sweeter and her Narration Boxes would work much better if they were pure thoughts in and of the moment. Many of them were in this comic and that works much better. Plus it felt like a substantial decrease in the amount of them. I like Batgirl and I like Batgirl’s voice in the comic. So if I can just get past my bias of Narration Boxing, I think I could really like this comic. Besides, Gail Simone’s Narration Boxes actually give Babs inner thoughts and relate to what’s going on instead of the profound nonsense that gets spewed out of Grifter and Hawkman’s Boxes.

Demon Knights #12

I think I’m in love! Not with Etrigan!

One of the questions I asked last commentary was: Does Stormwatch’s Shadow Council meet in Avalon? Stormwatch #12 answered that question! They do! They do! It also has me believing that the current Shadow Council is actually the members of Planetary. I’m crossing my fingers for that one!

Anyway, the Companions have finally found their way into the Dark Tower of Black Magic in Camelot guarding the way to Avalon. And guarding the Dark Tower is Morgaine le Fey! I’m pretty certain that she’s Xanadu’s sister. I think it was explicitly mentioned last issue and that was why Xanadu was unaffected by the black magic. Even if Morgaine is a super powerful fairy witch, I can’t see how she’s going to defeat the seven companions and King Arthur! She’d have to be some kind of super powerful fairy black magic voodoo lich!

Madame Xanadu recognizes that the entirety of Camelot has been shoved into the space within the tower. Sort of like a Police Box but different. King Arthur believes he can lead the way to the top of the tower where Merlin’s chambers used to be and where he believes they’ll find le Fey. Etrigan calls Arthur a hound and all Arthur’s Tumblr Followers The Shining Knight takes offense.

Etrigan is whispering, “…I still need your aid a little while—until I give Lucifer Avalon. And all of you.” I wasn’t sure his words would show through since he’s being barely audible. Reading comics, if you’ve got bad eyesight, you’re mostly deaf.

The Companions begin a typical mother’s dining room table dungeon crawl. The first room they explore contains the Round Table.

“I loot the bodies!”

One of the corpses attached to the Round Table is one of Xanadu’s sisters, a lady of the lake. But the real problem turns out to be some strange energy sapping the life force from the Companions. They attempt to retreat from the Tower but are stopped by a really unlucky wandering monster roll.

“I rolled on the Wandering Monster Chart and the result was ‘All of them!’”

The Shining Knight believes that if they can just get past a giant bear blocking the exit, they’ll be able to escape! But apparently the bear is a new kind of Gas Spore that looks like a bear instead of a beholder because upon stabbing it, it explodes and fills the room with toxic fumes. The Companions quickly lose consciousness. And before I turn the page, I assume they’re all going to be eaten by the rest of the monsters. Right?

The Companions awaken strapped to some kind of mystical carnival ride.

I really like the little voodoo-y dolls on the spell book.

Since the Companions are all strapped to the wall, Morgaine decides it couldn’t hurt anyone to give her entire plot away, right? What could go wrong when the Super Villain can’t hold her tongue? Look! They’re all stuck to the wall! So she tells them that she turned Camelot into a freakshow filled with dark magics to lure Merlin back to investigate. She wasn’t expecting him to be dead but she seems to think that’s to her advantage. She even feels she has a little time to catch up with her sister before she starts in on her plan with Merlin’s corpse.

She is a lich!

Morgaine’s entire plan was to lure Merlin into the tower where her spells would drain his mind. Then she would be able to take over his body and be respected and loved and all-powerful!

I really like that Morgaine had a plan that was different from what actually happened. How many times does that actually happen in a comic book? It’s almost always, “I knew that was going to happen!” and “You fell right into my trap!” and “I’m Harvest and everything that happens I planned for (except when Beast Boy escaped. One flaw!).” And because things turned out differently, she adapts and changes her plan. I really like seeing that in a story. The villain can’t always know every fucking random thing that’s going to happen.

Morgaine has now decided to use the life forces and powers of the Companions to make Merlin’s body even more powerful. And since Merlin is dead, she doesn’t have to worry about destroying his mind. Perhaps it’s time for Jason Blood to arrive! Maybe transforming from Etrigan to Blood will screw up the life-sucking magic hurdy-gurdy gizmo.

Morgaine leaves and shuts up the room since everything within the room will die as the life force is added to Merlin’s power. Vandal Savage has possibly the best reaction ever to his predicament.

I wonder if Vandal Savage has ever encountered Orlando?

Etrigan comes up with the plan to turn into Blood because of the fires of hell that accompany the switch.

No! He destroyed the precious little dolls!

Morgaine awaits the life to return to Merlin’s body but it never happens. She discovers why when the Companions break in to her chambers to stop her. She tries to possess Xanadu but Arthur dives in front of the spell. Morgaine’s body falls lifeless as Arthur struggles to remain in control of his body.

Ystin is of the Two Camelots, the feminine and the masculine.

Once the gem is destroyed, Arthur returns to Avalon as does, possibly, Morgaine. The tower crumbles since it was simply held together by Morgaine’s magic. The Companions drag themselves from out of the rubble, still toting Merlin’s lifeless body. Now how are they going to get to Avalon?

Well, Xanadu still knows the way. They just take a boat across the…oh. Never mind! The way to Avalon has disappeared! Xanadu knows no other way to get there which really pisses off Etrigan since he’s got a deal with Lucifer that he wants to make good on. Now that he thinks he can never get to Avalon, he decides to at least give Lucifer the souls of his Companions.

What a jerk!

Demon Knights #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Once again, gorgeous artwork and a fun story.

Deathstroke #12

Has Liefeld been given the go ahead to kill Deathstroke? Because Lobo isn’t going to die in this fight.

Last issue, Deathstroke was ready to die. I should probably just let him retell it in his Diary.

I’m going to guess that since Deathstroke is alive to write this Diary entry, he’s going to survive the battle with Lobo.

Since Deathstroke is narrating current action in his diary, I guess he’s writing it as he goes. So maybe he will die!

Deathstroke kicks Lobo in the balls which causes Lobo to let go of him. I think Slade found his weakness! Two thermal detonators barely fazed him but a kick in the nuts staggers him! Deathstroke gets away and jumps into the hole that leads to the center of the Earth where Lobo is going to drop the bomb. I think. Anyway, here’s a picture of Lobo’s fat face.

Lobo doesn’t pursue Deathstroke since the whole world will be blown up in a few minutes anyway. But finally Tigorr of the Omega Men attacks Lobo! Don’t you think a coordinated effort would have been better? I don’t think Liefeld should be allowed to draw a team comic. He should have just stuck to Deathstroke and not added the Omega Men in the mix. Especially since it was already set up that Deathstroke doesn’t like to work with anyone. But now that he is working with a team, the team is just standing back and waiting in line to attack Lobo.

So Lobo defeats Tigorr because even the Omega Men can’t work together. Also, the inker has no idea that Lobo’s beard and sideburns are the same color as his hair. So Lobo’s face just looks furry and fat.

That’s about the best hand Liefeld can do.

After Tigorr is defeated, it’s Primus’s turn!

Liefeld’s horrible art and writing side by side!

I’m only a few pages in and this comic is painful. I think I should concentrate on scanning a lot of bad Liefeld art and throwing down a synopsis since I’m not in the mood for delving into this shit mine.

Primus used his telekinesis to break Lobo out of prison. After that, they were able to track Lobo to The Starpoint which Primus is going to use to escape Earth. Right after he, you know, makes Lobo’s head explode. But Zealot isn’t very happy that Primus helped Lobo escape.

Liefeld really took a risk here and drew one sword without a guard! Maybe he only adds the guard after fucking up the hand. Plus he really nailed the female body shape!

Lobo knocks out Primus while Zealot attacks. And then Deathstroke reappears from wherever he went. I guess he went down to Lobo’s motorcycle garage.

How is a spike through Lobo’s chest better than blowing off half of his face (which didn’t work)?

Deathstork Deathstroke takes the cycle high up into the atmosphere with Lobo on the front. Lobo finally climbs off the front and they punch each other a few times. Deathstroke begins writing in his journal again (unless he’s just Narration Boxing (possibly simply thinking but the tenses are all wrong and fucked up)) describing how difficult this last maneuver is going to be. The last maneuver is simply sticking his last thermal detonator on the hog. Deathstroke made it much more difficult than it needed to be. But he does have his mask on as he plants the detonator and drops off the hog. Only to have lost his mask for no reason except to show his gritting teeth a few panels later.

All the gritting teeth for the first 14 pages. I haven’t read the final 6 yet but I’m sure I’d be able to add at least half a dozen more.

Once Deathstroke begins free falling to safety, Lobo’s hog (and Lobo!) blow up! Even though two detonators couldn’t totally destroy Lobo, Deathstroke is counting on the super premium alien diesel fuel loaded in the Space Hog to finish the job and make a hell of an explosion. Or maybe the hog runs on nuclear fuel! That’s even better. Whatever the process, it’s a big explosion and Deathstroke believes that Lobo’s healing factor won’t be a factor since he’s now scattered all over the Earth. Oh, Slade. So naive!

Slade has a jetpack to enable him to get to the ground safely. While he’s flying down, he thinks about how he beat Lobo.

Oh, that’s interesting! I seem to recall Deathstroke believing something else last issue:

I think Deathstroke just outwitted himself!

I love it when old assassins quote The A-Team!

Deathstroke is a little pissed off that Primus was the one to release Lobo. He intends for Primus to pay for his part in Lobo’s murder spree. But Deathstroke also agrees that Primus had every right to want to escape the control of The Company. Deathstroke meets with Maxim, the leader of The Company and has a few words with him. After punching him in the jaw, of course.

Kyle Higgins was setting Deathstroke up to be a fairly amoral mercenary. But Liefeld seems to want Deathstroke to be a little more heroic.

Or maybe Deathstroke is just horny and wants to impress the lady!

How much more? Details!

Deathstroke’s Alfred, Lord Peabody, is waiting nearby to take him home. I guess Slade must have a GPS tracer on him at all times and Peabody drives around the country in his limousine waiting for Slade in case he needs a lift home.

He means Zealot’s vagina!

And then the epilogue which is kind of disappointing because I wanted Sheba to be the Czarnian Red Lantern. I’m beginning to think the Red Lantern Czarnian was an artist’s mistake and she’ll just disappear eventually. Oh well, here’s the big surprise epilogue money shot.

Now that would be a somewhat decent Reboot of Lobo for The New 52. Leave the male Czarnian dead and keep Sheba around as DC’s new big bad-ass. But please give her a different personality and don’t just make her Lobo with ovaries.

Deathstroke #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I’ve got to drop this comic two ranks. One for the horrible writing and one for the horrible art. Although I really wouldn’t mind if Lobo were actually dead and Sheba takes over his role. Not his personality though! I’m afraid that’s all that’s going to happen. “Feetal’s gizz, my tits itch!”