I thought these covers were supposed to be surprising.
The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn’t so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm’s comic book isn’t long for the shelves, so he joined. I don’t know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that’s useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.
Like you’d expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.
It’s nice to see Alfred grieving. I mean, it’s not enjoyable. It’s not giving me joy. It doesn’t turn me on or anything. Next I want to see him angry and punching Bruce in the face for risking kids’ lives.
I think deadend spoiled this issue when he said, “Cyborg handles all cell phone narrative bullshit. For everyone.” That has to be what this is about!
The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it’s time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I’ll get enough of that in the next comic book I’m going to read. If you’re really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be:
Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I’m going to treat everyone as if they’re really dumb so that I don’t make them feel dumb. And that shouldn’t bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won’t even notice a difference.Smart Reader
: “Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what’s happening in the comic books I’m too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!”Dumb Reader
: “You’re right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!”Tess Ate Chai Tea
: “The phrase “Duty. Honor. Country.” always makes me giggle because all I hear is “Doody on her cunt” and then I crack up.”
If only the Justice League hadn’t lost their Green Lantern. Without a Green Lantern, they’re just a second tier super group.
The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko’s beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg’s Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.
Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn’t care what happens to the humans; they’re just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they’d be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.
At least that’s Mera’s theory and I’d believe anything she says. *sigh*
While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.
I notice Green Arrow and Hawkman are missing from this brawl. It’s probably because they were called up to the Justice League of America but I like to think it’s because they were let go due to extreme suckage.
Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman’s outfit?
Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl’s face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn’t good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.
Last issue, the H’el on Earth plot really didn’t move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H’el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn’t want to share their H’el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That’s par for the course for Supergirl anyway.
Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):
: “Hello, Supergirl!”Supergirl
Supergirl can’t afford to believe it or not?
Hey Superboy. I think the genie is already out of that alien herald. The horn is blown and Oracle is on the way.
I believe the last issue of H’el on Earth was Superman #16. And in that one, the Justice League had failed to stop H’el from activating his machine. The end of the world was nigh.
But before we get to the end of the world, can someone remind me who this “Superboy” character is and where he came from?”
To be fair, it did take an extra page to get to this standard introduction.
This issue is called “Lost Cause.” Let me guess! Since Superman #0 already shows Superman has traveled back to Krypton, I suppose H’el and his contraption work. The solar system is destroyed. But Superman and Supergirl go back in time and arrive on Krypton anyway. But they get there before H’el is sent into space by Jor-el. That way, Superman stops H’el from ever going into space which will stop any of this from happening. Time is restored to normal and Superman and Supergirl on Krypton fade out of existence while Earth is saved. It’s just the kind of crappy bullshit time travel paradox nonsense that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would write. You know, Back to the Future was hugely entertaining but it didn’t exactly portray any type of time travel that could actually work. If Marty fucked up his parents getting together which causes him to wink out of existence then he never could have gone back in time to fuck up their relationship and thus they’d still get together and he’d be born so that he could fuck up their existence and wink out of existence so that…well, you get the idea. That’s nonsense. But it was still a great trilogy!
I have a feeling that if Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell uses that same kind of time travel logic here, it won’t be anywhere near as fun and exciting.
I am truly excited to learn about Oracle! I wonder why it chose the name “Oracle”? Is it obsessed with Earth just like every other alien in the universe? Or, being omniscient, does it know something we don’t? Oh! Oracles know things we don’t! But why choose an Earth word that describes something Oracle can do that wouldn’t actually seem special to someone that can do it? Again, it must know something that forced it to choose the name Oracle which it has always chosen and always will choose and, being omniscient, never even actually had a choice. Or maybe “Oracle” just means bad ass motherfucker in its long dead space language.
Recent events in H’el on Earth have left The Flash on the Justice League Watchtower and the rest of the Justice League still trying to find H’el within the Fortress of Solitude. It’s been rough going though because Scott Lobdell makes up new science fiction terms every page to hamper their pursuit. I think they fought a Mega-Future Bio-Enhanced Auto-calibrated Vestigial Socket Wrench from Pax Crustulum. Then they battled the Stratford-Avon String Theory Megamonkey from Globular Cluster 5ADoubleP. But once they bested the Flirtatious Florence Nightingale Battle Ball and taught her to love again, they were finally through the defenses. Except for Wonder Woman who was fighting a bajillion Kryptonian Battle Drones. She may have finished slaughtering those by now though.
This issue begins as a flashback to H’el beginning his space journey, hoping he’ll “survive the pull of Krypton’s prohibitive gravitational pull.” Well, that was awkward. How about just saying “the pull of Krypton’s prohibitive gravity”? But then I’m not a genius Kryptonian Space Genius working side by side with Jor-el, another really smart Kryptonian smart Kryptonian. I’m just a cynical asshole constantly poking Scott Lobdell with a long pointy stick with a sharp point.
I like how Scott Lobdell took a look at the word “universe” and decided the prefix was all wrong. “Uni doesn’t describe the Universe correctly! It has more than one thing in it! It has everything in it! It should be the omniverse! And you don’t just learn one subject at university! You learn them all! It should be an omniversity! And a unicycle doesn’t just take you to one place! It takes you every place you want to go! It should be an omnicycle! The Unitarian Church doesn’t just accept people that believe in one set of dogmatic rules! They accept people who believe all kinds of crazy things! They should be Omnitarians! I wonder why Omnivores aren’t called Univores? I could have fixed that one as well!”
I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?
This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn’t only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that’s the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don’t want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!
I’m also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I’d probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don’t see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They’re all just The Room to me!
Speaking of The Room, here’s my friend Xan’s cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I’d seen that face before. This cat has talent!
While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.
I guess the part where they talk out their problems falls through. Oh, who am I kidding? When has rational discussion ever been attempted in a comic book?
This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we’ll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won’t be that universal because they’ll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won’t be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don’t think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.
That’s pretty accurate. Although I’d probably add a level so if the answer to “Is Batman available?” is no, the chart would ask, “Do we have time to wait for Batman to become available?” And if that is no, the next one should read, “Has anyone tried Batman’s pager?”
I hope Tom DeFalco’s version of Batman is more believable than Scott Snyder’s!
H’el has taken over Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and Superman wants it back! He also needs to stop H’el from using the solar system to fuel a time travel device to enable H’el and Supergirl to travel back in time (and across 27 light years of space!) to save Krypton. But before the assault on Krypton begins, let’s let Superboy tell us his name and how NOWHERE created him to be a living weapon.
Fuck it. I’m giving in. I’m starting every single one of my commentaries from here on out with, “My name is TessAteChaiTea. I’m an asshole, created by my insane mother to be a cynical bastard bereft of emotions.”
Why is Lex Luthor in jail? Is this because he sided with Brainiac a few years ago?
Superman has been locked out of the Fortress of Solitude and he needs help getting back in before Krypto pisses on all the furniture. I naturally thought that he would seek help from The Batman because that’s what everyone else in the DCnU would do. But Superman just has to be different! It looks like he’s going to ask Lex Luthor a few questions. I guess if anybody else on the planet has already figured out a way into the Fortress of Solitude, it’s this bald fucker.
I think we have a problem! How is the worst writer at DC going to accurately portray the smartest man in the DCnU?!
I think my favorite part of this nonsense is when Lex calculates he’s one in 6,973,738,433. Way to go, stat man! We’re all one in 6,973,738,433! How does that relate to anything going on here? I suppose he’s trying to point out that he’s better than nearly 7 billion other human beings. But Scott Lobdell isn’t the smartest man on the planet, so he has trouble getting the message across.