How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you’ve never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!
Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it’s about time but he’s actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he’ll run into Batman as he’s investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they’ll both be investigating the JLA when they they walk backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.
The issue begins with Agent Gunn’s wife starting an argument.
Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?
Casey has no idea what he’s arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he’s at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super
heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you’re going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You’re in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.
"So Geoff Johns is already off Vibe. I realized he was only on the thing to give it a bit of a jump start and then he was going to move on to give a monthly title to the next big DC loser that nobody would ever want to see in a monthly title. Taking over for writing duties is Sterling Gates. The only other thing I’ve read by Gates is The New 52 Hawk and Dove which was just awful. Although Sterling Gates assured me it was meant to be that way.
— Tess Ate Chai Tea, Master Comic Book Reader and Mean-spirited Shitheel.
Thanks a lot, Gail and Daniel. Now people are going to cosplay this Ventriloquist and I’m going to continuously be running and screaming through every convention I go to.
Let me guess: Alysia is going to play Hitori Kakurenbo
and unleash this horror on Gotham? That would actually be a pretty good origin story for a horrible supernatural villain.
Also, Batgirl no longer has a diary because I was tired of writing Batgirl’s diary. Sure, it was easier than actually commenting on the quality of the story. But I let it go for at least five issues longer than I wanted to. I should just start up my own diary.
Today I ate a whole box of Oreos. There was little time for anything else. Talk to you tomorrow!
Tess Ate Chai Tea
The issue begins nine years ago in the creepiest part of Gotham: the suburbs.
Happy Byrthday? Is there some kind of discriminatory association with having an “I” in “birthday”?! Was it too egocentric with the “I”?
Here we see kids being assholes.
I’ve always considered “Brainiac” to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.
I couldn’t think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn’t have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you’re female and you felt left out that I didn’t include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn’t worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.
*By “jokes”, I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don’t read any of my other commentaries.
On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you’re seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it’s been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.
Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn’t watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I’ve still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.
I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold’s back-up story. It’s witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It’s what I want in my comic books. Let’s have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.
I wonder if Octopi feel slandered and defamed because of Hentai? Because I can’t see a fucking tentacle anymore without believing it’s in search of an open orifice.
The Demon Knights have saved Themyscira by killing all the vampires. Although Cain escaped so he’s sure to go make more vampires before The Demon Knights can lock him up inside of Andrew Bennett. And The Shining Knight has gone all Bladey and become a half-vampire or something. I think The Shining Knight’s goal is to eventually be able to check every single box in the race category on the census form.
As thanks for saving Paradise, Hippolyta has some information for the Demon Knights concerning their quest.
At least when Sir Ystin turns into a vampire, she’ll easily be able to walk amongst the humans since she has so much practice passing.
Hippolyta directs the Demon Knights to the Amazonian Library of Congress to learn about The Holy Grail.
Excerpt from Richard F. Burton’s translation of the Kama Sutra: “The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king.” So that leaves what? A young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn’t want to have sex with you?
Exoristos almost goes into the story told in Wonder Woman about how the Amazons mate. My only question is if they only get reading material from sailors, shouldn’t it all be porn and Stephen King novels?
At least this takes place before Jason Todd became Not Jason Todd.
Oh man. Bruce Wayne is in for a serious verbal bitch slapping from Jason Todd. I can only imagine what Todd is feeling. He’s watching Batman drop everything to run around the world to find a way to bring Damian back to life. And yet when Todd died, what did Batman do? No, seriously. What did he do? I don’t remember because that was a long time ago. Even if I could remember, this is The New 52 and Batman might have reacted differently to Todd’s crowbarring than he did to the Preboot crowbarring. I’m assuming “crowbarring” would have the double “R” if it weren’t a made up word.
I think I derailed myself in that last paragraph. I meant to say Todd probably has gotten his feelings hurt since it looks like Batman wants Damian back in his life while Todd needed to wait around to be resurrected by somebody else. I forget who that somebody was. Talia? I don’t know. Whatever!
Batman is currently planning a trip to Ethiopia when Carrie Kelley pays him a visit. She’s just as curious as everybody else about what happened to Damian. I think everybody heard that Robin died but Damian has mysteriously been “shipped off to England” or some other nonsense. I guess Bruce is hoping to purchase a little Samsara Serum before too many questions are asked.
I guess she wasn’t sure about giving back the money since she cashed the check and is now returning a huge wad of bills.
It’s strange that Majestic is the big threat in this issue and yet here we get Terra on the cover.
John Lynch has a problem. He manipulated the genes of a man named Bronson so that when Bronson’s meta-gene was activated by a creature named Spartan, Bronson would become a living god. But now Lynch doesn’t like the idea of having a living god that he isn’t in control of running loose in the world. He has decided to kill or capture him. His plan? Well, Plan A was to nuke Majestic. But that didn’t work. So Plan B is not get killed by the now pissed off living god. But what is Plan B?
Suprisingly, Plan B does not involve shooting many, many bullets at Majestic. That was an old Team 7 plan and Lynch retired it after Amanda Waller shot him in the face. Plan B does involve a Wilson Family Reunion. Besides winning Majestic to their side by offering him a bowl of the Famous Wilson Buffalo Chili Pancakes or Jericho’s Homemade Jam-filled Chitlin Chunks or Rose Wilson’s Sweet Potato Tea (I can’t vouch for the deliciousness of any Wilson Family Recipe. They’re a strange bunch), I can’t think of any way the Wilsons will be of any help whatsoever. Well, okay, Jericho can control Majestic. But why did Lynch specifically need Rose along? To convince Jericho to play nice? How would that work when, according to Deathstroke #0, they never even had a chance to know each other? Fuck, Rose never even had a chance to be born! I suppose Adeline could have been pregnant when her and Baby Joseph pretended to blow up and left Slade forever. But that just gets into other problems as seen last issue.
Anyway, why did Terra tag along? Is she Plan C? And when is Geoforce going to send a fucking postcard to his sister? You would really think that a missing Markovian Princess would be a much bigger deal! Do they just not care that she’s missing?
Time to put The Ravagers out of their misery. It was ungrammatical knowing you.
Ridge is on the cover so I have a feeling Deathstroke’s PokeDagger is going to get broken. I think he’ll make nice with Rose Wilson and realize he doesn’t owe Harvest shit. This will lead him to break his contract with Harvest which is something the best mercenaries in the DC Universe never do. So I’m probably wrong.
In the first four pages, Deathstroke captures Thunder, Lightning, and Terra in his PokeDagger. And even if all of the other evidence were stacked higher than a thoroughly convincing stack of evidence, the fact that Terra has already shown up again in Deathstroke #19 means that stabbing people with this dagger does not kill them and turn them into ash. But Beast Boy doesn’t know that so he reacts a little angrily.
Awww. Seems just like Preboot times!
Single Red Rose. Romantic Lightning. Pandora’s Box Exploding From Being Touched. This was a good date!
Last issue I mentioned how confused I was about the creation of Majestic. I thought I’d cleared it all up and decided that Kaizen Gammora had sent Spartan to activate Majestic so that Kaizen would have the chance to kill a God. And then I opened this issue to the first page.
So now John Lynch is taking credit for it?
Maybe Lynch is taking credit for creating Majestic but not activating the meta-gene. Perhaps Team 7 found a way to manipulate and alter the meta-gene so that when it was activated, the resulting super power was tailor made to the person. That would make sense in that Black Canary’s codename was “Canary” before she knew she could scream people’s brains out. I think her codename was Canary because she was always the first one in a room to smell a fart.