But he’s just a monstrous baby! I wonder what his first words will be?!
I don’t do a whole lot of photoshopping on the comics these days and when I do, I don’t usually point it out. I’m only pointing it out this time to say this: whenever an image is photoshopped here on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, I’m the one who did it. In some ways, I don’t use Tumblr correctly although if you’re reading this on Blogspot, I’m using that super correctly! Today I reblogged a quote by Bill Watterson because it was simply too reflective of the way I’ve lived my life to not repost it. Plus, Bill Watterson. Greatest comic strip comic ever. And that includes Charles Schultz and Berkeley Breathed. That isn’t to say those two guys weren’t also geniuses but to show how much of a genius genius Bill Watterson is. My point is that about 99.85% (I did the maths!) of this blog is written by me, photoshopped by me, and scanned by me. That doesn’t mean I’m claiming I do all the DC art and writing! Sheesh! Stop being such a devil’s advocate nerdgirl!
It’s probably also why I only have like 8 Followers and zero sugar parents.
Somehow the phrase “sugar parents” disturbed me and that led me to thinking about last Sunday’s Mad Men. While watching it, I actually said, “No wonder Don Draper is so screwed up!”, paused for a second, and then said, “Besides the dozens of other reasons!” Such a good show.
Speaking of good entertainment, I should read something besides Legion of Super-heroes! “Oh! Burnzinga!” he burned, speaking of bad entertainment like Legion of Super-heroes! Ha ha! Double burn!
Now I feel bad for overly criticizing the Legion of Super-heroes. I shouldn’t judge so harshly! They’re from the future. They don’t know how to entertain 21st Century audiences. All of their funtime punchlines are lost in a slew of future speak. Slew means vomit, right?
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Roy is pondering forgetting the last year with Lobdell as well.
I wonder if DC would be willing to put The New 52 on hiatus for a few months so I can take a break from comic book blogging! I try to do two issues a day to keep up and even that is a bit overwhelming. I’ve barely had any time to play Bioshock Infinite! I did a couple of half-assed internet searches to try to find someone else that is blogging about all of The New 52 books but didn’t come up with anything. But like I said, it was half-assed. When I first began this, there was another guy on Tumblr called Every Last Panel and he was reading everything DC was putting out and writing up short blogs with scans. But he simply stopped posting around Wonder Woman’s wedding in Hell and then disappeared from Tumblr altogether. So I guess I have to keep blogging so I can remember every comic I read from month to month. Dammit.
One thing’s for certain: I need to make these things much shorter. And probably less funny with a lot more dry, boring, intellectual asides about the actual possibilities of somebody swinging from a rope or creating boxing gloves out of green light. Oh! I know! I can stop beginning entries with random bullshit and just dive right into the comic book!
Jason Todd is super happy to have forgotten everything he’s ever experienced. Although I don’t know how happy he can be about forgetting when he can’t remember the things he wanted to forget. Isn’t he curious about what he’s forgotten? I would think he’d begin to wonder how his old memories could have been so bad and then he’d be curious what they were and then he’d want them back so he could know if he made the right decision! And then he’d get back the memories and he’d say, “Oh fuck. Yeah. That sucked.” And then he’d have them wiped again and start the whole process all over. I think erasing your memories only works if nobody tells you afterwords that your memories were erased. You could just suddenly begin anew and think, “Hey! What’s this?! Who am I? Where am I? Why do I know language after having just come into existence? And since I know language and concepts, I know I probably have existed for at least two decades before suddenly being aware of things which means I probably have amnesia! I wonder who I was? Maybe I should try to get my memories back!” Oh, hmm, that didn’t work either. I guess you’ll always want to get your memories back no matter what. Unless you’re just a shallow twat with no sense of curiosity! So it should actually work pretty well for Roy Harper.
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I wonder when Wonder Woman is going to be about Wonder Woman?
I’m enjoying this comic book a lot but let’s not fool ourselves. This comic book is barely about Wonder Woman. It’s possible that’s why it works. Wonder Woman has been made interesting within the contexts of her decisions during this crisis of the gods. We see her belief in justice as she protects Zola’s baby. We see her strength and determination as she battles god after god. We see her compassion and love as she encounters others caught up in this mess that at first seem to be against her but she approaches with kindness and dignity. And we see her kick major ass when kicking major ass is the only option left. And apparently the main reason to kick ass is when a guy keeps hitting on you when you’ve told him you don’t date arrogant, misogynistic sons of ruthless cosmic dictators.
And the best part of this comic book? No Narration Boxing! The reader stays completely out of Wonder Woman’s head and it’s up to the reader to interpret Wonder Woman’s actions rather than having the author hand feed us her reasons behind all of her actions through the lazy ass Narration Box. Sure, they have their place and can help tell a fun story. But they’re like nitroglycerine. They’re very volatile if not handled correctly and they tend to blow up in most writers’ faces. Although they’re probably not as bad as in the Silver Age when a Narration Box would say, “Distracted, Lois Lane drove off of a cliff!” while the art showed Lois Lane driving off a cliff and Lois Lane’s though bubble said, “Oh no! I became distracted and suddenly drove off this cliff!” I get it! You don’t have to smash me over the head with the point of the panel! Lois as ADHD!
Currently on Olympus, Apollo is fretting over the prophecy. If only gods didn’t take prophecies so seriously, the prophecies would stop needing to be taken seriously! They’re always self-fulfilling! None of them would ever come to pass if some manipulative oracle didn’t spout the prophecy in the first place. Perhaps gods look at it a different way. If a god didn’t take any action, the prophecy would happen a different way. But since a prophecy is a prophecy is a prophecy, it simply doesn’t matter what happens because it will come true. So the god takes action in a futile attempt to change the future. And he changes the future but he only manages to make the prophecy come about in a different way. I think that’s how I’m supposed to view the whole prophecy bullshit. But it just seems like the gods are manipulated by these things into making them actually happen. And Apollo is trying his best to figure out how to keep the prophecy from coming true. How about trying to do nothing? No? Not an option?
Ugh. I think the pool on Olympus could use a little more chlorine.
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Power Girl was so upset her boobs weren’t the focal point of last issue’s cover, she killed Supergirl to claim focal boobage. Perhaps it was meant to distract people from noticing Michael Alan Nelson’s name was spelled wrong.
This is the third issue in a row to have a different writer. That can’t bode well for the comic, can it? Perhaps the editors are simply telling the writers what they need to write which is why the writers aren’t hanging around because who needs a stupid editor telling you what to write when they’re job title is “editor” and not “writer”? Editors are jerks! They’re just Fuddyduddies that rain on parades and refer to ‘artistic expression’ as ‘grammar errors.’
Last issue, the Fortress of Sanctuary decided that either Kara or Karen was a clone and thus it had to destroy them both. Better safe than allowing a disgusting, nasty clone to live so it can steal a normal Kryptonian’s job. According to the cover, boobs. I mean, Kara is going to be killed! So then will Power Girl take over as the new Supergirl? That’s probably exactly what’s going to happen.
My initial reaction to the first page was “Love Mahmud’s art!” The I thought, “Sanctuay is an annoying bitch.” But by the end of the page, I was totally, “I think I like Sanctuary!”
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Eclipso knows how to satisfy the ladies!
Here’s the secret to writing: don’t give a shit what anybody thinks! There might be some other secrets as well. Like exaggerate as much as possible. And maybe create unlikable characters that people really like to dislike. Also always tell the truth when lying as much as possible. That one is pretty important. Never letting your spouse or parents or children or siblings read what you write helps you to be more truthful, so don’t show anybody you care about. If they tell you it’s good, you won’t believe them and if they tell you it sucks, they’re assholes. Also, you’re probably writing nasty things about them because writing is a good way to get negative shit off of your chest and you probably don’t want your husband reading about how much you hate it when he scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers.
Here’s the secret to writing that everybody always tells so it’s not actually a secret: if you want to write, write. As a Reader, you might think that’s the worst advice you’ve ever heard! But boy howdy is it good advice since Writers are fucking lazy assholes! Seriously! They want to make a living out of simply spewing imaginary pablum from our imaginations? Really?! Go build something, you lazy twat!
Actually, Writers are very busy and industrious, so that previous paragraph was one of those exaggerating lies of truth I mentioned. You’ll never see a cleaner house than the house of a Writer avoiding writing!
If you want to read one of the greatest books about Writing while at the same time reading a lot of pretty good pornography, you should read Nicholson Baker’s
The Fermata. You know something I forget to do all of the time? Put titles of things in italics. That’s because I use quotation marks so much due to referencing comic book issue titles and also because I’m an idiot who hates remembering stylistic norms. There might be better books about Writing out there but I guarantee they won’t have any porn in them.
You know what other book probably doesn’t have any porn in it? Sword of Sorcery! It even lacks the stereotypical chainmail bikinis and barely covered sorceresses and oiled up barbarians in loincloths with their wangs hanging out. I bet nobody in Fantasy Worlds was ever having sex due to all the chafed, pinched, bruised, and battered genitalia.
Meanwhile on Gemworld, I believe these two panels sum up the action decently enough since I wasted all of my summing up paragraphs with bullshit.
I don’t think this is his work but I saw Travis Moore in the art credits with Aaron Lopresti and John Livesay and I remember really hoping to see more of his work last time I saw his name in Sword of Sorcery #4. Look at me with the research instead of just saying “last time in whatever fucking comic book he drew.”
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The Prankster uses a special kind of electricity that doesn’t shine any light.
Dick Grayson is in Chicago trying to find Tony Zucco, the man that killed his parents. He’s also the man inadvertently responsible for him becoming Nightwing, if you’re one of those weirdos that tries to see the positive in everything. He’s renting out a room in some crappy little apartment. But at least it includes furnishings and a half-naked woman. But then again, if you’re a normal person that always knows things are worse than they appear, you won’t be surprised that the half-naked woman has a bat and can’t wait to use it.
Look, I didn’t get much sleep last night. So think up your own Batwoman and/or Dick joke here.
Dick sure meets a lot of cute women. But does he ever meet in normal women? I think Sonia was the only normal woman he’s met in a long while and she turned out to be the daughter of the man that murdered his parents. And by that record, my guess is this new girl that he’s rooming with is The Prankster.
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How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you’ve never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!
Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it’s about time but he’s actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he’ll run into Batman as he’s investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they’ll both be investigating the JLA when they they walk backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.
The issue begins with Agent Gunn’s wife starting an argument.
Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?
Casey has no idea what he’s arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he’s at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super
villains heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you’re going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You’re in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.
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Thanks a lot, Gail and Daniel. Now people are going to cosplay this Ventriloquist and I’m going to continuously be running and screaming through every convention I go to.
Let me guess: Alysia is going to play
Hitori Kakurenbo and unleash this horror on Gotham? That would actually be a pretty good origin story for a horrible supernatural villain.
Also, Batgirl no longer has a diary because I was tired of writing Batgirl’s diary. Sure, it was easier than actually commenting on the quality of the story. But I let it go for at least five issues longer than I wanted to. I should just start up my own diary.
Dear Diary,
Today I ate a whole box of Oreos. There was little time for anything else. Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Tess Ate Chai Tea
The issue begins nine years ago in the creepiest part of Gotham: the suburbs.
Happy Byrthday? Is there some kind of discriminatory association with having an “I” in “birthday”?! Was it too egocentric with the “I”?
Here we see kids being assholes.
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I’ve always considered “Brainiac” to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.
I couldn’t think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn’t have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you’re female and you felt left out that I didn’t include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn’t worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.
*By “jokes”, I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don’t read any of my other commentaries.
On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you’re seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it’s been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.
Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn’t watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I’ve still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.
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I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold’s back-up story. It’s witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It’s what I want in my comic books. Let’s have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.
