Justice League Dark #19

Last issue, Faerie was saved from destruction by The Hunter Family and Justice League Dark. Mostly by the Hunter Family. What happened after that, I don’t know. I guess the science people and the irrational nutso-wacko magic people suddenly began getting along? Did the science people stop condescending to and patronizing the mystic yahoos? Did the magic people stop feeling superior because they could turn lead into gold while the scientists staunchly proclaimed it impossible? I have a feeling war isn’t going anywhere over there in Epoch City and Faerie.

But that world doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not even an important world since it isn’t labeled with a 1-51 (or a Prime!). I guess Faerie is one of those unique dimensions like Gemworld and the Apokolips dimension. Back on Earth, let’s see what horrible, dangerous, and taboo magic Constantine is up to!

Instead of his winnings, the cashier hands Constantine a note that says, “The Cold Flame burns” and then the entire race track blows up. That magic backlash seems a little bit harsh simply for convincing people you’re not smoking when you actually are. I guess Constantine was telling the truth in his first solo issue. Magic is dangerous.

Meanwhile at ARGUS, Steve Trevor is trying to recruit Deadman to spy on Justice League Dark for him. In return, he’ll hire Deadman to be a member of the Justice League of America. Well that sounds like a shitty deal. That comic book can’t even come out on time. Besides, Deadman can be a member of the Justice League of America whenever he wants by simply possessing Hawkman or Vibe or Catwoman. Before Deadman can agree, he feels a disturbance in the force and flies off, leaving the person he had been in possession of to come back to his senses. The poor guy will probably be immediately thrown the ARGUS dungeon to prevent security leaks, his only crime enjoying a delicious triple cheeseburger.

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Justice League Dark #18

Constantine and his army have escaped from Epoch City, the new science capital of Faerie. Tim, Zatanna, and their army of mythological creatures are storming the city. And Tim’s father is still trying to enter the Portal so that he can get Tim the solution to stopping the magic storm ripping all of the worlds apart.

A number of pages pass with people fighting and words being said before Tim and his Dragon finally destroy the shielding on the city allowing the Chaos Magic Storm to begin destroying the city.

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The Phantom Stranger #6

Yeah, it’s pretty pretentious to categorize my commentaries as my “oeuvre” when they’re really just a bunch of posts calling Scott Lobdell a hack, Ann Nocenti a magnetic poetry loving walrus, and Tom DeFalco’s mother’s vagina a jerk. Fuck it. We can’t all be motherfucking John Steinbeck.

Last issue, a lot of things were not cleared up. But one thing that was cleared up: The Question was the asshat that kidnapped The Phantom Stranger’s family and crucified the babysitter. Who does The Question work for? What was his crime that was so terrible that he was blessed cursed with immortality? What’s his big punishment? To only ask questions? If I were forced to only speak in questions but be granted immortality at the same time, I think I could live with that. Oh! I guess I’d have to live with it! Hell, if I were in the Phantom Stranger’s shoes and was forced to betray people while getting to be immortal, I’d do it. Fuck, who am I kidding? If I were forced to walk around eating dog shit as the price for immortality, I’m not too proud to say no to that deal!

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Justice League Dark #17

Here is the copy from just three of the comic books from the last two weeks:

Justice League Dark: “Trapped in the lab from Hell!”
Talon: “Trapped in the depths of Gotham!”
Green Lantern: “Trapped in the land of death!”

I’m sure if it were another week, there might have been three or four “UNLEASHED” super heroes as well. Mostly that kind of thing doesn’t really bother me because it isn’t like a comic book cover is going to be hung on a wall as a print. The UPC Bar Code and the cover price and the stupid flapping DC Comics logo. But I think most readers will agree the copy doesn’t ever add anything to the book. Look at Batman Incorporated #8! Lose the fucking R.I.P. on the cover and I might have still been surprised by the death of Robin. But (and this really fucking pisses me off) corporations don’t give a fuck about the people already handing over their money. Who fucking cares if loyal readers are surprised? We need more fucking money so put Robin’s death right there on the fucking cover and in the stupid fucking 52 News Comic in the back so we can sell more fucking comic books to the people that don’t really give a shit about reading Batman Incorporated. But they’ll definitely want the Death of Robin in their collection! This happens all the time with television shows as well but mostly I don’t watch any of those shows. I just laugh at their stupid fucking commercials that spoil the episode every week for loyal viewers simply to get other viewers interested. Fuck you, you douchebags. How about thinking up another way to sell your stupid show or book than by ruining it for the fanbase? Dicks.

I don’t know how anybody trusts any major corporation at all. It always confuses me when people have brand loyalty. You realize the corporation doesn’t give a fuck about you, right? If they gave a crap about anything besides the bottom line, they wouldn’t try to gain your business by telling half-truths in their adverts asterisked half to death with footnotes changing the reality and meaning of the fucking lie they printed in bold print.

How many of y’all are old enough to remember Fight Back! with David Horowitz? That guy was one of my heroes as a kid. Sure, challenging the veracity of commercials was akin to tilting windmills. But at least somebody was out there sticking it to these corporations that feel the only way people will buy their products are if they lie to and manipulate buyers. David Horowitz taught me about transparency and I never forgot that lesson. If a company has to hide their business practices or massage the truth to earn a buck, they’re not worth shit. Fucking David Horowitz. I wish he were here today to single-handedly roam the country like a 21st century Kwai Chang Caine kicking the asses of every member of every local news station so they’d get their act together and stop simply reporting spoon fed bullshit from press releases and start doing some fucking investigations of their own.

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Justice League Dark #16

The last issue of Justice League Dark had the team arriving in Faerie while some really strange things happened to them. John Constantine suddenly can’t lie. Black Orchid has been transformed into a Purple Swamp Thing. Madame Xanadu has undergone a reverse face lift. Deadman is literally a dead man. And Frankenstein hasn’t shown any signs of change yet. Maybe he’ll begin to decay throughout this issue. They’ve come to Faerie to rescue Zatanna and Tim Hunter. Zatanna and Tim Hunter have arrived in Faerie to help the fairies drive out the Technological Assholes that have taken over.

Luckily Deadman has practice at this being killed thing so the first thing he does is try to find his way out of Faerie’s Land of the Dead. But while doing so, he runs into the keeper of the gates of the dead, Infernal Core!

Deadman escapes by tackling this jerk through the portal to the land of the fairies. And then the guy freaks out, screaming about how he doesn’t belong here and he goes both ways and stop being so fucking insensitive! Then the Techno-Asshole jizzes all over Infernal Core who disappears in an explosion of blood. Unless it’s fire. Whatever it is, good riddance. I’m glad they didn’t spend much time with him since he was only here for a stupid reality show prize. Hey DC! Stop ruining my comics with gimmicks and publicity stunts! Or if you are going to do that kind of shit, save it for Superboy. Anyway, I’m kind of liking this Network Enforcer Vikar a little bit more now. That fucking Face-Off show just wasted six pages of this comic book, so the next fourteen had better be spectacular.

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The Phantom Stranger #4

I’m a huge fan of this cover.

Until now, I’d forgotten that The Phantom Stranger popped up at the end of Justice League Dark #14 because nothing ever came of it in Justice League Dark #15. The Phantom Stranger informed Constantine that “the three” were about to go to war and that Constantine needed to pick a side. I’m pretty sure that Constantine has never “needed” to do anything that didn’t involve self-preservation, so I suppose Constantine’s response wasn’t actually needed. Well, until now! This comic must certainly continue that scene, mustn’t it?

While disguised as poorly dressed, sex crazed Philip Stark, The Phantom Stranger does a little shopping with Philip’s wife. That poor woman. Philip may seem real to her and the Phantom Stranger probably loves her and his kids for the normal life they allow him to pretend at, but in reality, his real identity is The Phantom Stranger. Some day his wife and children are going to end up in a refrigerator and two small ice chests. It’s practically inevitable.

At one point during the shopping trip, The Phantom Stranger enters a mystical trap disguised as a dressing room. He ends up in The House of Mystery with John Constantine and a dead goat.

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Justice League Dark #15

Nine days into the new year and nothing has changed even though some miraculous change is supposed to happen, right? Am I supposed to be the architect of that change? I’m not a fucking Green Lantern yet so I must not have the willpower to commit to anything new. Actually, I’m supposed to work on and finish another project this year.

In 2011, I buckled down and finished the second chapter of my online comic, Dwarf Lover. I was pretty happy with myself that I declared I would finish it that year and wound up posting the last section the first week of December. Even though by the end of 2011 I owned my own business, finishing Chapter Two of Dwarf Lover was my most proud moment of that year.

In 2012, I began this comic book commentary project. As you can see, it’s ongoing. But somehow I’ve got to make room for a new project for 2013 which means the comic book commentary is going to have to take a hit somewhere. I thought about dropping the worst ranked comic book at the end of each month but I just can’t bring myself to drop any titles yet. I’ll probably just end up doing shorter reviews on the more mediocre titles that don’t give me a lot to talk about. I usually waste time trying to figure out how to make the commentary interesting with those. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I just waste time. I’ll figure something out.

As for a project that needs to be finished, I have a number of choices. The easiest one would be finishing my Bible Study on Genesis. The Biblical Book is only about fifty pages but I have about 300 pages of commentary (and, um, jokes) already. Since that project is so easily finished, I think I need to add something to it: publishing it as an e-book. Anyway, once that’s done I’ll just move on to Exodus, so that project is also very ongoing. Can something be very ongoing?

Dwarf Lover Chapter Three is a possibility too. Usually I write and Photoshop at the same time, publishing each section as I go. But I think I’m going to write the entire Chapter this next time simply because I don’t quite have the urge to do all of the Photoshopping that the web comic entails. Photoshopping that web comic will definitely eat into The New 52 Project.

I can also finish the final rewrite of Places and Predators, my tabletop RPG that is a mix of Dungeons and Dragons and The Game of Life. I think I have about 500 pages of source material on that, most of it jokes!

And of course there’s always the novel that never gets written. But that’s too serious. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of serious commitment to writing. Although the novel is mostly jokes as well! With all these jokes, you’d think I’d say something funny once in a while.

Also, for a comic book commentary, this thing sure is short on comic book! Anyway, I put all those choices out there so that anybody reading this can throw a vote my way. And since hardly anyone comments on here, realize that one person can decide my destiny! Write-in projects are also welcome!

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Swamp Thing #15

I haven’t really been keeping track of this and it isn’t really a very scientific statement but here it is anyway: this is my favorite cover of The New 52 so far.

Last issue, Swamp Thing and Deadman were on their way to Gotham City when they were eaten by William Arcane’s pet Rotctopus. Also, William had Aquaman’s trident so the DCnU is a less lame place now.

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Justice League Dark #14

I suppose Frankenstein is going to wear out his welcome since he isn’t going to have a comic book to call home.

At the end of last issue, I wished for Nick Necro to be sent to Magic Prison because I never wanted to see him again. Why do I keep wasting my wishes on comic book plot points?!

This is also a good synopsis of last issue. Kind of. Just remember that Tim Hunter and Zatanna were zapped somewhere by the Books of Magic!

ARGUS calls in some guy named Dr. Peril who appeared in the comic back in issue #10. I’m not surprised I don’t remember him. Apparently he’s good with both science and magic. And since the Books of Magic turned out to be the Books of Science, he’s here to figure them out. Too bad their technology is way more advanced than he’s used to. Which means Mordru and Merlin were capable of some pretty fancy tinkering. I’m sure the Books of Magic were created by Stormwatch. Perhaps Zatanna and Tim Hunter are in Avalon?

Black Orchid, Amethyst, and Frank decide to explore The House of Mystery while the regular members of Justice League Dark consult with Amanda Waller Steve Trevor.

Yeah, well Andrew Bennett has a comic to go back to now, doesn’t he? Bitch.

At this point in The New 52, a comic book simply chronicling the adventures of Frank, Amy, and Orch wandering about The House of Mystery would be more interesting than at least ten comics that come immediately to mind. I could probably even reduce the plot to the three of them sitting in one room of The House of Mystery playing Mahjong. That would still be more interesting than Deathstroke constantly being attacked by mercenaries trying to increase their reputation or Hawkman constantly being attacked by mercenaries trying to gain his Nth Metal or Superboy constantly being attacked by assholes while out on a date. Or Frank and Amy and Orch constantly being attacked by skeletons trying to steal their Mahjong tiles.

Chee Chee Chee Chee AAAAHHHHH!

Mini-Justice League Dark manage to escape from the Cheeing skeletons and are suprised to wind up in a mysterious ballroom with mysterious masked dancers because that’s just the way the House of Mystery works. It’s a fucking mystery! It’s right there in the title! You wouldn’t wander around the House of Mystery constantly wondering why you’re suddenly still inside! Because it’s a fucking house!

Mini-Justice League Dark lets its guard down in the mystery ballroom because it’s so formal. Nothing bad can happen in such a formal, regal, beautiful setting, right? Even when the guests begin creepily taking off their masks and declaring that Frank and the Girls are the guests of honor. Right?

Oh my god! Their masks weren’t their masks! Their faces were their masks! And Soylent Green is a cook book!

Does every mystery in the House of Mystery have to be dangerous? This isn’t the House of Danger! I hope the next room they walk into simply has a single bed with a clean sheet with a stain right in the middle of it. What is that stain?! How did it get there?! Why hasn’t housekeeping taken care of this?!

The next room is a gallery of sculptures. Black Orchid instantly gets into a fighting stance because she knows what comes next! They beat up a few statues after they come to life and then run out another door. Maybe the next room will be an amusement park haunted by an old man in a scary mask!

Outside of the House of Mystery, Constantine is a bit put off that Dr. Peril needs a full year of study before he can unlock the mysteries of the Books of Magic.

I was going to suggest making a cameo in a Scott Lobdell book so that they could time travel around Flashpoint to a year in the future but Constantine’s plan is much better. I don’t know why they don’t take him seriously!

Dr. Peril has a different plan. He’s going to fool the books into thinking Tim Hunter is opening them again. But he needs Dr. Mist’s help to pull it off. Whew. I thought maybe they would need Nick Necro’s help and that asshole would already get his get out of magic jail free card. Although I still don’t know what’s wrong with Constantine’s plan!

Back in the House, Black Frankenthyst discover a library that seems to contain thousands of books. Each book represents a room of the house. Perhaps they should find the section of shelves with normal mystery books on it instead of the weird, 50s horror sci-fi mystery tales they’ve been encountering so far. It might make for a less exciting journey but it wouldn’t be as dangerous. Better yet, find the Teen Mystery Section and go hang out with the Hardy Boys!

And then they split up because you always have to split up when investigating a mystery. Or is that when you’re threatened by a madman and your marriage is falling apart? Anyway, Black Orchid discovers the first fucking interesting room in the House of Mystery.

John Constantine’s Office! Click on the picture for a better look. Best note on the board: Aquaman: Who cares?

Black Orchid finds a file on herself on his desk. She’s subject 28 in the Ascension Project. Constantine has put together a lot of knowledge about the DCnU that has been kept secret from a lot of people. But he doesn’t know who Batman’s wealthy backer is? Idiot! Neither Bruce Wayne nor Batman have been hiding that fact from anyone! He also has notes about things I don’t think he would really care about. Like wondering if the new Green Lantern is a terrorist or not. Or wondering if Green Arrow is playing both sides. Although that Aquaman line remains the best. But remember, Constantine and Lemire! I was back on the bashing Aquaman bandwagon months ago! That means I’m cooler than John Constantine. I think. Yeah, probably.

After Orchid is done perusing John’s private orifice office, she heads back into the hallway where Frank and Amy seem to have discovered a way out. And then outside, The Phantom Stranger appears. And that’s never a good sign for anybody.

Why do three people punished by the Council of Wizards have to fight amongst themselves? Rise up and destroy your oppressors! Oh wait. Your oppressors are all mostly dead. Stop punishing yourselves already!

Justice League Dark #14 Rating: No change. This was a good issue with a really nice reveal of Constantine’s office and what that wanker is up to. It’s probably this level of involvement in The New 52 that got Hellblazer canceled. He should have been more careful!

Swamp Thing #14

“Look out for me! Oh rotten water! Your mysteries are full of flies! And I got a need for fucking Abby! And I got a need to rip Anton Arcane’s fucking face off of his shit-twisting body and shove it straight up his own ass until he completely consumes himself and disappears with a tiny *poit* and then a word that rhymes with ‘flies.’”

When we last saw Swamp Thing (not counting the Annual which is when some of us last saw Swamp Thing but probably not all of us because who buys every stupid annual anyway?), he was ripping the heads off of the Teen Titans. It was orgasmic. Orgiastic. A dream I couldn’t possibly have ever truly considered coming true. And yet there it was! Teen Titan after Teen Titan being smashed and beheaded and turned into mulch. So while Lemire was over in Animal Man (Hey! An anagram for Animal Man is “I’m Anal Man!”) telling Rob Liefeld his time at DC Comics was shit, Snyder was over in Swamp Thing working over Scott Lobdell! I hope this war of writers continues to escalate! Y’all know whose side I’m on!

Anton Arcane’s ass-kissing versions of Statler and Waldorf.

I’m only three pages in and I’m just thoroughly impressed by Yanick Paquette’s work on this title. This may be the Rebooted Swamp Thing and I may be edging into blasphemy territory but Yanick Pasquette’s vision of the Swamp Thing world will forever be the one I visualize when I think of Swamp Thing. For the overall look of Swamp Thing, I’d probably stick with Stephen Bissette. I like how mottled and vine-ridden and rough his Swampy looks. Paquette’s is a bit too smooth. But I also think that smooth, modern look to the rest of the art is why I like the look of this comic more than Bernie Wrightson’s original creation which is itself incredible. It’s dark and grim and perfect for the horror stories Len Wein was telling. It’s probably not fair to compare since I’ll generally choose the more modern comics simply because of the lower quality of color separation on the old newsprint comics. Whatever the case and people’s opinion on the “best Swamp Thing,” I believe Yanick Paquette has, at the very least, added his name to the ranks of the top Swamp Thing artists.

Swamp Thing is currently losing a fight with Superboy. Apparently Superboy’s tactile telekinesis hasn’t been much affected by his rotting brain and nerve endings. Swamp Thing, however, has the full power of the Parliament of Trees and The Green at his disposal here at the foot of their home. It’s by utilizing this power that he becomes the not so jolly green swamp giant seen in Swamp Thing Annual #1.

I’m pretty sure stomping The Rot into paste is the only way to kill them. Or at least immobilize them for a fairly long time.

After Swampy crushes the Teen Titans, he demands to know where Abby is and that’s where readers should insert Swamp Thing Annual #1. I’m actually stapling my copy right there between pages six and seven of Swamp Thing #14.

While telling Swamp Thing about Abby’s adventures during the beginning of The Rot invasion, Scott Snyder finally names the town she comes from: Blestemat. Poison Ivy (I think she’s telling the tale) tells Swamp Thing that Abby fell during the first days of the invasion. Really? Like how Maxine “fell”? She’s probably in a cell in Anton’s castle right next to Maxine and V. Which, I guess, would put her in Cell IV and Maxine in Cell III. Unless the cells are numbered back and forth across the corridor! Then Abby would be in Cell III and Maxine would be in Cell I.

Just like over in Animal Man where Buddy abandons The Red to try to end The Rot’s world domination, Swamp Thing leaves The Green behind to save the world. Poison Ivy stays behind to help protect the Parliament while Deadman travels with Swamp Thing.

I bet Batman survived but Alfred didn’t. But Alfred’s sense of servitude is so strong, Rot Alfred will still be helping Batman.

Swamp Thing and Deadman decide to take a leaf ride out to sea and up the coast to Gotham to look for Batman. Because when all hell breaks loose and the world is falling apart, who better to save it? That’s right! The Batman! But they never make it that far. That little prick that Maxine was befriending in Animal Man #14 decides to devour Swamp Thing and Deadman (?!) with his Deadopus.

Perfect. When William first entered the scene, he escaped over land in scuba gear for protection. And now here he is again, fully equipped. Aquaman being a corpse is simply a bonus.

Swamp Thing #14 Rating: +10 Ranking. It’s not that this single issue was so super fantastic that it deserved this kind of a boost even though this was a very good issue. It’s just that Swamp Thing has been underrated in my rankings for far too long. There’s no reason it should be so far below Animal Man when I enjoy them about the same amount.