G.I. Combat #7

How did Jeb Stuart and his horse both come to haunt a tank?

Last issue, I realized that the old Haunted Tank stories looked really fun and interesting, at least in comparison to the Tank running over Afghan soldiers and karate kicking Detroit cops (well, that was kind of exciting). And now I’m wondering how the tank became haunted? Well never fear! My mom finally did something right and brought up my 1985 Who’s Who comic books! Let’s take a look at The Haunted Tank’s entry!

Here’s The Haunted Tank on the back cover of Who’s Who Volume X. Who else can you name? This issue is brought to you by the letter H.

If you don’t want to strain your eyes reading the text, here are a couple of pertinent and ridiculous bits: “… the spirit of Alexander the Great assigned the ghost of General Stuart to act as the guardian of the Stuart M3 tank commanded by the general’s namesake, Sgt. Jeb Stuart, in North Africa. General Stuart was outraged, sing Sgt. Stuart and his crew were all Northerners. However, the general was greatly impressed watching Sgt. Stuart and his men in battle. Finally, Sgt. Stuart, who could see the general’s ghost, won him over by flying a Confederate flag on his tank … .”

So when is the Confederate Flag going to get placed back on the tank, hmm? Wouldn’t want to upset the ghost of General Stuart, would we? Maybe they could install a fucking cotton gin on the back while they’re at it. Notice that the Haunted Tank’s first appearance was in G.I. Combat #87? I have a feeling modern comic book writers just don’t know how to tell a modern war story and make it fun for comic books. Nobody wants to read serious war stories, especially when they’re all about the same fucking thing: young, brave Americans fighting back the evil terrorists. Or should I say young Americans hoodwinked by imperialist propaganda to kill brown people on foreign soil for capitalist interests and the illusion of keeping people free. Oh, the good old days when a Haunted Tank could fly a racist flag and fight mystic Nazi armies while losing most of its crew every few issues.

I guess I need to stop living in the past even though in the past they were apparently still living in the past. At least this new Haunted Tank is finally facing off against a crazy Nazi weapon: The War Wheel!

I’m pretty sure I could defeat the War Wheel with one well placed brick.

The Stuarts come up with a plan to defeat the War Wheel with a single haunted tank: abandon the tank! The young Stuart runs across the snow and ice while dodging thousands of rounds of ammunition and jumps harmlessly up on the front of the War Wheel like he was a tramp stumbling into an open freight car. I guess he snuck up on the Wheel from the back as it barreled across the snow or else he would have hopped on and instantly been crushed. Luckily, he climbs aboard and it apparently rotates slowly enough for him to climb to the top of it and find an unlocked hatch so he can slip in and defeat it from the inside. Meanwhile, the Haunted Tank shows it’s proficient in Greco-Roman wrestling as well as martial arts.

The South will rise again!

After pinning the War Wheel with the Haunted Tank, old man Stuart manages to enter the War Wheel as well. The War Wheel’s insides must exist in an alternate dimension or maintains its own gravity since young Stuart doesn’t seem hampered by Wheel suddenly falling flat. Inside, they find the Wheel is hooked up directly to The Desert Fox Rommel’s brain. His ancestor tells his plan in German so it’s lost on young Stuart. Boring story short, everyone is mortally wounded except for young Stuart. He carries his grandpa back to the Haunted Tank.

Later at Old Man Stuart’s funeral, Colonel Steve Trevor makes some small talk with Young Man Stuart and his connection to the Haunted Tank. Trevor drops the name “A.R.G.U.S.” to see if the kid is interested in becoming a really stupid super hero with a wrestling tank that knows karate. But he seems to just want to live his life. Besides, his comic book has been cancelled.

“Forgive me for committing treason but Colonel Steve Trevor said it was okay!”

The Unknown Soldier story finishes with him killing everyone.

G.I. Combat #7 Rating: Does it even matter? DC already cancelled his fucking title when it was Men of War! And now they’ve cancelled it again. Big surprise. The actual biggest surprise of this comic book was The Unknown Soldier story! It was simply the plot changing from one potential disaster to another potential disaster with the Unknown Soldier killing every single person he met along the way. Eventually he met the people at the heart of all of the problems and killed them too. This book was generally horrible.

You know what? It does matter! -4 Ranking!

G.I. Combat #6

The Haunted Tank is living in the past. Even if there is a Fourth Reich, it isn’t necessarily an instrument of evil.

Here are some comic book titles that I would choose to read before reading a comic book called “The Haunted Tank.”

The Unflushed Toilet.

The Stale Potato Chips.

The Abandoned Wok.

The Beleaguered Prostitute.
I know, I know! Y’all want to see this one as well since I took the time to draw the other ones. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s one thing to put the title out there into the world and another one to draw it and create the character of the beleaguered prostitute. If I drew her, she’d somehow become real and I’d have to take responsibility for her troubles and tribulations. But that doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t rather read about her than the Haunted Tank.

When I was in first grade, I drew a picture of a haunted house that was put up in the Santa Clara Triton Museum of Art. Well, maybe not the actual museum. But they had these outlying structures that were kind of like round houses with elevated floors where they hung art for special occasions. They must have been showcasing art from students in the area and my haunted house was too extremely awesome not to be put on display.

Unless it really was in the museum proper. I don’t really remember it very well. I was only six years old! My mother is coming up to Portland to visit for Thanksgiving this year. I think I’ll ask her to dig up the picture so I can scan it and submit it for everyone to be amazed. She might also remember the story better. Or I can learn it was all a lie and she had a friend hang the picture up in her garage and took me by the “museum” to see my work.

The reason I’m not talking about The Haunted Tank is because it’s not worth talking about. Also, nobody is reading G.I. Combat except for people like me reading DC’s entire New 52 line. Which means nobody is actually reading this commentary by me either! So I can fucking say whatever I want here. Maybe I should tell a story that I’ve never told anybody before in my life?

Oh! Here’s one that makes me look awful and socially incompetent. But I take no responsibility for anything the twelve year old me did! That guy is long dead!

It was seventh grade and one of my best friends was Davide Bettencourt. Name not changed so that he can read this confession if he ever Googles his own name. What first really caused Davide and I to hang out as much as we did was his Apple II computer. I still remember in sixth grade standing just on the edge of the field during recess as he described one of his computer games to me. It was a little game called Wizardry. It sounded like everything I’d ever wanted out of a video game! A dungeons and dragons simulation that needed no dungeon master! He described how he had been exploring the first level and he found a sign that said “Corridor Off Limits! Turn back!” I had to play this game!

I ended up spending a lot of time with Davide playing Apple II games, Dungeons and Dragons, and video pinball since his father had a cabinet of the arcade game in their garage. In 7th grade, we began walking to school together since his house was on the way to Buchser. We’d usually walk home as well and probably spend the late afternoon playing games.

One morning before leaving for school, I noticed a fiction book near his computer called The Sword of Shannara. It looked interesting since I read a lot of fantasy books at the time. A few days later, I had my own copy having convinced my mom to take me to B. Dalton’s Bookseller to pick it up. The morning I took it to school, I didn’t show it to Davide. I decided to hide his copy behind his other books so that he’ll see me with my copy in class and think I took his book. Ha ha. Big prank, right?

Yeah, well that’s exactly what happened. He called me up after school that same day and accused me of taking his book. I told him this was mine and he said, “We’ll see. I wrote my name in it. Show it to me tomorrow.” I couldn’t believe it! He had accused me of taking his book? What a jerk! Suddenly the joke didn’t feel so funny. The next day, I brought the book for his examination. He scrutinized it closely, raising his glasses up to squint at the page, making sure no white out or eraser had been applied. Everything checked out and he let out a sort of hmph noise and that was that.

But that wasn’t that, was it? I felt upset and betrayed that he would really think I stole his book. Sure, it was completely stupid and illogical. But maybe part of me wanted him to be angry. Perhaps we had simply been spending too much time together. And I could be a real selfish narcissistic asshole. At the time! Remember how I said that 12 year old is long dead?

That morning, the silence between us suggested our friendship was running on fumes. Once he realized his name wasn’t in the book, he may have figured the whole nonsense was done. He’d just have to find out what really happened to his book. Of course, it was right there not two feet from where he was examining my book and I could have easily revealed it and said, “Ha ha! It was a joke! Sorry!” But I didn’t. And I was upset in a way that I couldn’t vocalize at that time. Betrayed and confused and really over my head with the emotions this seemingly innocent prank had brought to the surface. I knew we wouldn’t be hanging around together much more.

So the next morning, I brought a magnet with me to Davide’s house and ran it across all of his diskettes. He didn’t suspect a thing at the time. Everything to him was still normal. We still walked home from school together that day but everything he did bothered me. He picked a flower on the way home and began ripping the petals from it. Every time he did it, I’d stop and let him walk further and further ahead of me. He occasionally turned back and asked what was up and I don’t think I even responded. He headed up his stairs and I went home. I think he ended up calling me later with a short conversation saying his mom was going to be taking him to school and he couldn’t walk with me anymore. And that was that. I started walking to school with Philip Newby after that day.

I don’t think Davide ever confronted me about what I did. We just stopped talking. One day, Phil asked me about it. He said Davide’s sister saw me erase the disks. I, of course, denied it. But I’m sure Phil knew. And even if it were untrue that Davide’s sister saw me, it was damn obvious that I was behind it. It’s one of the shittiest things I’ve ever done although I’m sure I’ve done others that compete with it since then.

I don’t know if the twelve year old me was really ever sorry for what he did. But the me of nearly every year since then has been. That 12 year old was a complete jackass.

And then I read some of The Haunted Tank!

Ten pages into The Haunted Tank and all of Scott Stuart’s army buddies have been gunned down by the enemy. It’s just old man Jeb and his grandson Scott and the Haunted Tank and the disembodied voice of The General left to complete the mission. The mission would still be a mystery except that the cover stated it plain and simple: The Fourth Reich needs to be found!

As the Haunted Tank rumbles across Afghanistan, Crazy Old Man Stuart tells Scotty all about his adventures in World War II while manning the Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank’s mission was to combat all of the weird, mystical stuff that Hitler was up to. As everyone knows, Hitler was after all kinds of mystic and religious artifacts like The Ark of the Covenant and The Holy Grail and The Spear Longinus.

I knew Nazi Zombies were based on historical evidence! Because comic books present historical evidence!

All of the panels showing the weirdness that The Haunted Tank and its crew had to face makes me simply wish that this book was that old book. Nordic Giants. Valkyries. Nazi Robots. Miniaturization. Zombies. Screaming Luftwaffe. That comic book looks like a lot of fun! I guess that’s why the Haunted Tank is after the Fourth Reich! That way, the Haunted Tank can battle crazy shit brought to life by a secret Fourth Reich that has been working on mystical and technological craziness for seventy years! Otherwise, the Haunted Tank is simply going to have to run over Taliban foot soldiers with out-dated soviet weapons.

And the Haunted Tank does it’s job by taking its two man crew to Antarctica The North Pole to confront yet another Nazi war machine!

Nazis in the Arctic? I wonder if the “N” in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. stands for “Nazi”?

And then it’s the continuing story of The Unknown Soldier having to deal with a bunch of radicals with crazy fucking demands.

Make that fucking reasonable demands.

So the horrible terrorists that The Unknown Soldier sound like they really want to improve the government. But tie their wants to violence and the belief that the antichrist has come, and now those demands really sound crazy! I’m pretty sure the antichrist crap is government disinformation to get The Unknown Soldier to attack a group that threatens the government’s status quo.

Someone gets a lead that sends The Unknown Soldier into a completely different set of circumstances. So first it’s about this Red Jihad being exploded all over America. And then it’s about The Constitution Army threatening to improve things. Then there’s random violence and a terrorist threat. Now it all comes down to a fake computer game company that’s going to steal from a bunch of banks using hackers and everything else was just a smoke screen to distract the government. But it didn’t work because The Unknown Soldier found them all! Too bad the issue ends with him being shot in the back of the head.

I mean too bad for him! I’m all for this story arc ending early.

G.I. Combat #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. It only loses one rank this month for the uninteresting Unknown Soldier story. The Haunted Tank story was mostly lame as well but I liked the flashback panels and imagining what a great comic book this would be if it simply reprint old issues of The Haunted Tank.

G.I. Combat #5

When there’s trouble you know who to call! THE HAUNTED TANK! From the battlefield he can see it all! THE HAUNTED TANK!

I was really happy that the Zero Issues were over. Most of them were better than I expected but it seemed like the same thing over and over again. DC needs more variety in their heroes. I think half of the Zero Issues were about how someone became Robin. But now that I’ve got G.I. Combat #5 in my hands, I’m beginning to rethink my position on the Zero Issues. Maybe it was just that the last half of the Zero Issues were the worst of The New 52? Because this isn’t a Zero Issue and I’m not looking forward to it at all!

One good thing in this comic book’s favor is that J.T. Krul isn’t anywhere near it. In fact, I don’t think Krul is writing a single comic book for DC this month. And even though that’s obviously speculation on my part (see the “I think” part?), some ragged asshole is going to actually the shit out of me because I “haven’t read the solicits” or “done my research.” One good thing I will say about J.T. Krul is that he’s not Ann Nocenti. Holy fuck, she’s bad.

The Haunted Tank story begins in a place called “The Red Room.” This is different from the Black Room because it’s red. It’s described as “an unknown area filled with known dangers.” How is the area unknown? Who unknows about it? What, then, is The Black Room? A known area filled with unknown dangers? Inside this Red Room is a giant Roman coin, a tapestry made from bones, a pile of Spiderman costumes, a statue with two clawed feet with a crocodile face between the feet and its cock resting on the top of the right foot, a multi-barrel gatling gun, a suit of armor, and The Haunted Tank. The Haunted Tank gets a message to “find him now” and it disappears in an expulsion of green ectoplasmic vapours. This also sets off a siren which will alert the people in the unknow about the unknown place!

And then the action moves to a crazy person’s house.

This guy’s name is Stuart. I can tell he’s crazy because his mailbox outside is empty but he has the flag up! That joke is for elderly people.

Meanwhile, the tank is rolling down a highway in Michigan. And it’s haunted! Ooo! Spooky!

The military has sent in helicopters to blow the shit out of it. But they don’t realize it’s scary!

Apparently it also knows Kung Fu.

After the helicopter shoots a missile at it, the Haunted Tank either teleports above the helicopter and drops on it or did a spinning kick right into its rotors. I’m going to have to go with the Karate move since a teleporting tank might explain why it’s haunted but a tank that knows judo is scarier than shit! Is shit really scary or was that just me lacking a creative metaphor? Probably a little bit of both.

The Haunted Tank destroys another helicopter with its Haunted .30 caliber mounted machine gun. Then it decides to take a break as the Argus agents swarm all over it and chain it to the ground. Are these guys stupid? Didn’t they see the way the Haunted Tank flipped out earlier? No chains can hold this mother fucker!

Holy shit! It can burrow into the ground too!

Jeb Stuart begins bleeding from his ears or his fingers. It’s hard to tell! Not because I don’t know the difference between ears and fingers but because he’s holding his head and then there is blood on his fingers and the sides of his head! Sheesh! You people really don’t have any respect for my near average intelligence, do you? Jerks.

Meanwhile, Colonel Steve Trevor gets all the information he can on Jeb Stuart. I guess since the Haunted Tank was in the Red Room of Known Dangers, they know who the tank was teamed with in World War II. And this Stuart guy is a 98 year old veteran of World War II. Now it’s Trevor’s job to kick this old man’s ass and put that Haunted Tank back in its place.

As Jeb Stuart waits for the Haunted Tank, he occasionally speaks to a picture of him with his great grandson Scotty who seems to be in the military as well. Being that Sgt. Rock was updated to be the grandson of the Sgt. Rock that people actually enjoyed reading about, The Haunted Tank is probably on its way to join up with Scott Stuart. Which means Trevor is about to beat the shit out of an old man that doesn’t have anything to do with the Haunted Tank flipping out on the highway.

Except I’m completely wrong and the Haunted Tank actually visits Jeb Stuart for a hand job.

That’s it. Nice and slow.

The tank has come to Stuart because Stuart and the tank need to rescue Stuart’s great grandson Scotty. He’s been taken hostage in Afghanistan and is going to be executed. The tank cannot allow the Stuart bloodline to end. Why? Because who is it going to speak with when all the Stuarts are gone? It’ll just be like every other Haunted Tank that nobody knows is Haunted because all of its relatives are dead and it has no purpose anymore.

Just before Scott Stuart gets a bullet in his head, Jeb and the Haunted Tank appear in the cave! Five pages of the Haunted Tank karate kicking Afghani freedom fighters (or terrorists. Depends on whichever the side the person reading this is on) in the crotch and crane kicking them in the face and double back flips and punching shards of bone into brains, the rescue is complete!

Boo! Scared ya, didn’t I?

So that’s it for The Haunted Tank this month. Basically it’s just another fucking modern day war story. The brown guys have some white guys captured and since our politicians have built up this terror war in the minds of everyone, nobody needs any real motives in the comic. “Look! It’s brown guys with guns on white guys! The brown guys must be terrorists and need to be crushed under the tracks of a two ton tank!” I guess that’s why the next story, Unknown Soldier, is trying a whole different tactic in its storytelling. “Look at the twist we’ve made! The terrorists in our story are white! Of course they’ve been trained and brainwashed by the brown guys. But just think how scary it is when you can’t profile the bad guys! That’s scarier than a Haunted Tank any day!”

The Unknown Soldier story begins in a burned out section of Detroit. Isn’t that redundant? HA HA!

I’d apologize to my Detroit readers but nobody in Detroit can read. HA HA! Burned! Oh wait! That’s redundant! HA HA!

No, no. Seriously. I kid because I love. I LOVE TO KID ABOUT DETROIT! HA HA!

The Unknown Soldier is checking out a lead on a Super Patriot Group that believes the Government is run by Satan. Or something. So far, it’s just the Unknown Soldier in a disguise selling arms to this group. Lots and lots of standing around and talking. I bet after they get done talking, there will be lots and lots of people dying!

While the Unknown Soldier is speaking with these armed nuts, he calls Detriot “D-Troit.” That’s in his speech bubble. But they sound exactly the same! So is he actually saying to these men, “D Dash Troit”?

The Unknown Soldier treats the entire arms deal like a big joke which makes the buyers suspicious and nervous. And I think that was the point. I think the Unknown Soldier just baited these guys into drawing their guns so he could kill them all! He’s a loose cannon that loves to, well, whatever loose cannons love to do. Fall off their mounts? Sleep around with other cannons?

This loose cannon simply explodes in their faces!

The Unknown Soldier kills everyone but the main guy who ends up telling him nothing more than “A Revolution is coming” before a nearby Reaper Drone is hacked and it blows the area to hell. Now what was an armed Reaper Drone doing flying over Detroit?

That was a rhetorical question! See my Detroit jokes above!

Anyway, I lost interest in the whole Unknown Soldier story a long time ago. At least this comic only has two more issues to go. I hope The Unknown Soldier can root out the revolutionary elements in America and make the country safe for a fascist takeover by our well armed government to do as they please! What a hero!

G.I. Combat #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. It loses one ranking because the Unknown Soldier story is boring and predictable. It loses another ranking because now I wish the Haunted Tank really did know karate.

G.I. Combat #0

The Zero Issue begins with the Unknown Soldier story so I quickly flipped through it to see if there were any dinosaurs and there were! I’m so excited to learn the Origin Story of the War That Fucking Sucks! Hmm, I guess all war fucking sucks. But this one sucks because it isn’t actually a war at all. It’s just a couple of military guys being hassled by dinosaurs. I suppose the dinosaur story is second because dinosaurs busting out of the cover of G.I. Combat #0 wouldn’t make as much sense as a Mummy busting out of the cover.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say, “Yeah. There have been unknown soldiers in every war ever fought. Ever. But super mummy soldiers? Ridiculous!”

To enlighten the Unknown Soldier, whats-her-name drugs him and puts him into a medically induced hallucination. He experiences the memories of every Unknown Soldier before him. He also retains the memories of the body he’s inhabiting but it looks like the Unknown Soldier is somehow the embodiment of war. It takes over a man on the verge of death who has died in battle and uses his body until the war is over. How this is going to work in modern times when wars don’t exactly have a clear beginning and end is fuzzy.

While on his mystical spirit journey, the Unknown Soldier meets a Raven outside a Mystery House.

So the Unknown Soldier is Cain? The disfigurement is Cain’s mark? Cursed to wander east of Eden for all time? Cursed to fight in battle after battle because he was the first murderer and thus the creator of war? If my supposition is true, The Unknown Soldier just got interesting.

The Unknown Soldier and Kamal (that’s whats-her-name!) discuss the implications of his memories. They both rule out reincarnation because that’s just ridiculous! Who would believe in that? But what Kamal does reveal is that the man the Unknown Soldier was before was not a very good fighter. He was also pronounced dead on the battlefield. And then he came back as this super soldier that Kamal and her team made even superer. So he’s definitely simply a vessel for whatever The Unknown Soldier is. The vessel retains the memories of the man he was but is also something more dangerous. I very much expect to find that this spirit is that of Cain.

The Unknown Soldier’s Origin remains a mystery although they’ve filled it out a bit more. The story then takes a few pages to explain that about 2000 American soldiers were converted to radical Islam in Afghanistan and are now operating in the United States. One places a virus in a nuclear plant which simply warns the operators that they can blow it up any time they want. And another works loading luggage onto planes and he blows one up at the end. I guess the Unknown Soldier is going to turn into the 2000 Radical Islamist Ghosts of Scooby Doo.

And now, THE WAR THAT I WISH TIME HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT!

This story begins when Ash Stevens (unless his name is something else) fell from the cliff because Elliott didn’t have his back and let him down and failed. Luckily, the terrain beneath the cliff has changed from forest to water since he first began falling (although, to be fair, the terrain beneath was actually kind of blurry and if I had to tell the truth, I can’t be positive it was supposed to be forest). He lands in the water and survives. Probably because the big fat-ass dinosaur broke the surface tension when it hit first.

I can barely win a fight against my housecat. Which means this is very, very unrealistic or I’m a total pantywaist.

After that he has some adventures, grows a beard, fights a mountain lion, and gives up ever finding home. The End!

Seriously. The end. I guess until G.I. Combat decides to revisit Ash Stevens. Maybe he’ll end up becoming the New 52 version of Anthro

G.I. Combat #0 Rating: Fundamentalist! Because it mixes The Bible (Cain as Unknown Soldier) with Dinosaurs!

G.I. Combat #4

If you’re in a hurry, here’s a quick synopsis of my commentary: “Dinosaurs! What a bunch of fucking idiots! J.T. Krul sucks! Cunts!” Time saved!

Remember last issue when Ash and Elliot fought some dinosaurs? And the issue before that, Ash and Elliot fought some dinosaurs. And the premier issue was exciting and fantastic because Ash and Elliot fought some dinosaurs! Boy, I sure hope they fight more dinosaurs this issue!

Oh yeah! But first we have to have the flashback where we learn a little something about our heroes! Characterization happens in flashbacks! Fighting smoke monsters dinosaurs happens in the present!

First rule of Gay Army Orgy Club: Don’t talk about Gay Army Orgy Club.

As the two of them discuss what just happened, Ash calls his wife Ashley. Now I’m confused. Maybe Ash isn’t really named Ash! Maybe I read the earlier issues wrong. Perhaps I was so excited to get to the dinosaurs that my reading comprehension went out the window. Because that’s just weird if they’re Ash and Ashley. Or maybe it’s supposed to be cute. Or both since half the time, weird and cute go hand in hand. Like Elliot and Ash tromping through the Jurassic Jungle!

You might be surprised to find that what happened was a barroom brawl and not a gay orgy. No, really! And it was apparently started by some other guy who just had to challenge Elliot because he was the blackest biggest guy in the room! And of course, Ash and Elliot had to defend themselves by beating up the bartender as well as everyone else, right? That’s why I think my struck out “blackest” was the actual reason for the brawl. These two probably like trolling racist bars so they can get their adrenaline rush beating on ignoramuses.

Uh oh! I just judged people for being racist! I’ll probably lose some Tumblr followers for the harsh judging.

Anyway, Ash was all, “I love you buddy even though this was a bar fight and not a gay orgy!” and Elliot was, “Dildo brother!” And Ash was all spitting beer and shit and going, “Did you just say ‘Dildo, brother’?” And Elliot stops and cocks his head to the side and goes, “Oh shit! I meant ditto!” And when Elliot clarifies what he meant, Ash secretly slips the dildo back in his pocket because he realizes Elliot didn’t really want it right now.

Long story less long: these two got each others’ backs! And now cut to the present (can I say present when there are dinosaurs everywhere?):

Ha ha! Let him down! Ha ha ha!

Elliot marches off into the jungle to face off with a bunch of dinosaurs. It’s super exciting!

Too bad he doesn’t have a saddle!

Oh no! Troublemakers!

The chase!

Stand and fight!

Elliot triumphant!

If it seems like I’m not trying very hard, it’s just that I’m reflecting the style of the writing. Oops! I called Elliot’s triumph too soon!

Snickety snickt, motherfucker!

Since Elliot is now out of ammunition, the only choice he has left is to go hand to hand with this dinosaur. I’m guessing a Figure Four will immobilize this bitch.

Oh, the Sleeper Hold would have been my second option.

Elliot manages to hop on the dinosaurs back and choke it to death with a garrote. Yes. He manages to asphyxiate the dinosaur as if it didn’t have heavy muscles in its neck. And I get the flashback was to tell us how strong this bastard was but I have my doubts he could strangle a dinosaur. And I’m not an Anthropomorphologist but don’t dinosaurs breathe through gills in their assholes? Isn’t that what the Bible says?

As Elliot sits and wishes he knew that he were in a comic book so that he’d know Stevens is still alive, he gets a static-filled radio message about the beach and safety. He sprints toward the beach and finds his ship!

Whoops!

One raft remains with a couple of sailors. Elliot hops on board, tells them the land is worse than what he just saw in the water (I don’t know about that!), and they speed off across the ocean. But what about Stevens?! What has become of him?

Of course, he’s already adapted and become super caveman.

The next story is the Unknown Super Soldier, so I’ll keep it extremely brief.

The man U.S. caught last issue has just had all of his memories downloaded into U.S. Now he knows the plan and the faces of the white youths that will detonate a biological weapon in the New York City subway system. Since he’s now a super soldier, stopping any terrorist threat will be easy. But how will he get around the problem of punching a teenaged girl in the face in a big crowd in New York? Well, since he can disguise himself as anyone, it really isn’t much of a problem is it? Just disguise yourself as another teenaged girl and people won’t break up the fight; they’ll just film it to upload on Youtube.

Oh, well, it actually doesn’t matter. With the intel, Homeland Security moves in and arrests all of the young white terrorists. It’s a total win by page three! But U.S. has now disguised himself as Zaari the terrorist mastermind. He’s going to attend the subway attack viewing party in Dubai with a bunch of other terrorists. I wonder if they got Subway to cater? That would be sweet. When you cut into a sandwich, a puff of red pepper sprays out! Everyone would laugh and choke and then die.

At the terrorist meet and greet, Unknown Soldier finds out that an hour after the subway attacks, the Red Jihad will be unleashed on American Embassies all throughout the Middle East and southern Asia. Which means he has to start killing the guests so that he can alert the proper authorities in time to save some lives!

The next few pages have U.S. killing dozens of men and saving the world. Or something. But then he dies. But only technically. His body shuts down or something as they operate on him and he regenerates. He has a dream that seems to suggest that he didn’t actually have a family that was killed and possibly he is simply a clone implanted with false memories. The comic ends with U.S. and his handler, Komal, opening a door to some secret lab. Whatever U.S. sees shocks him. But that won’t be until next issue.

Hmm. That wasn’t as brief as I thought it would be.

I’ll say this for Unknown Soldier: it’s getting better. About half of it was just a stupid one man versus an army fight scene. But his character background could prove more exciting than the rest of the pulp.

G.I. Combat #4 Rating: No change. Unknown Soldier is getting better and the dinosaur story wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t good either! It’s just a story to allow the artist to draw a bunch of dinosaurs!

G.I. Combat #3

Why did time have to suddenly remember this war?

The War That Time Forgot begins showing a flashback of Elliot this issue.

This scene is either showing how Elliot loves and cares for animals or that his wife is an unfeeling, shallow bitch.

Elliot can’t help but take care of the poor, lost, lonely puppy. And judging by the cover, he’s a sucker for cute little animals of any kind. But don’t be fooled into thinking he’s a softy! If something tries to eat him, he has no problem stuffing a grenade down its throat and dancing on its blood-soaked carcass.

Elliot finds a small dinosaur with billions of sharp teeth tearing the head off of a rat and he approaches it smiling. It’s so cute! Like a terrifyingly deadly muppet! But just as he’s about to tame it and name it George (if you know why he names it George and what he’s going to do with it afterward, you’re fucking old), Stevens runs up and scares the dinosaur off.

What a speciesist jerk! There are hundreds of different types of dinosaurs (possibly thousands but since God didn’t say how many when he wrote The Bible, there’s no way to know how many)! That one might have been one of the cuddly ones that gives adult massages.

Elliot and Stevens still haven’t bothered to find out the name of their Korean Friend, so I’ll just refer to him as K.F. He’s the most likable member of the group because he barely says anything. Elliot was a bit of a cipher and simply “the best friend” last issue. But now his characterization has just exploded all over the place since we’ve found out he’s an animal lover and caregiver! Although he’s still mistrustful of K.F. Stevens, it turns out, is just an ashole asshole! That typo made me remember that Stevens first name is Ash!

These panels are deceptive because he seems to be acting so nice to K.F. But if they were at war, BAM MOTHER FUCKER! Brains all over some kind of North Korean bush I don’t recognize!

Pretty soon, the team encounter a herd of Gasplochadons (I might be wrong on the name). Elliot and Ash blow one up and dive out of the way, leaving K.F. to handle the rest of them alone!

Noooooooo! My favorite character in G.I. Combat!

Korean Friend is torn apart by the Gasplochadons because his character was making the plot too complex. The tension was just too high wondering if he’s going to turn on the Americans because he’s a rat bastard Axis of Evil North Korean! Now the reader can concentrate on the strong platonic love of two war buddies just trying to survive.

While trying to save K.F. unsuccessfully, Elliot’s gun is grabbed by a Gasplochadon and Elliot refuses to let go! So in order to save Elliot’s gun, Ash shows off some mean fucking basketball skills.

What’s that? About a thirty foot horizontal?

Ash manages to make the dinosaur let go of the gun and it falls to the ground. Elliot falls to the ground as well which is what Elliot could have done at any time without Ash’s help so I can only assume they were trying to save the gun. But then the dinosaur stumbles with Ash on its back!

“NO! I told you to let go!”

Thus ends the next chapter of The War That Time Forgot. But here’s a bonus scanned page that I found while looking in my 1976 Charlie Brown’s Super Book of Questions and Answers.

“When I was in pre-school, we didn’t believe in any of this new fangled asteroids destroying dinosaurs crap! We believed they died from biological warfare with the rats that ate their babies!”

The second half of G.I. Combat is going to suck because I find this super version of the Unknown Soldier uninteresting.

Unknown soldier kills hundreds of terrorists and captures the guy behind Red Jihad only to find out he’s too late. The white teenaged kidnapped terrorists are already in New York and ready to destroy it next issue.

G.I. Combat #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. It gets a negative one for each story! The dinosaur story is just bland with fairly shallow characters. And the Unknown Soldier is ridiculous. I can’t stand the Rambo style one man badass taking out hundreds of opponents style story. Oh but it has a big twist! The terrorists are white youths! Ho ho! Big fucking deal. Bored!

G.I. Combat #2

DC didn’t think dinosaurs would work two covers in a row? Come on! Fuckin’ dinosaurs!

Last issue, I noticed that both stories weren’t full length and thought maybe that would be a normal thing. But then I realized: I bet both stories last issue were meant to be Men of War back-up stories. I still think it’s a slap in the reader’s face to cancel one war title and start up a new one in its places. DC really doesn’t give a shit, do they? Wait until they cancel Batman: The Dark Knight! It’ll just be replaced by another Bat-title.

The issue starts out with Ash rubbing his wife’s vagina through the comforter.

I know, right?

This takes place before Ash found himself in North Korea fighting dinosaurs with his military buddy whats-his-name. You know, the other guy? The one that was taller than him? He had dark hair? He was bulkier, remember? Um, the black guy?

Ash’s wife asks him how he’s able to kill a person. He tells her he’d kill anybody standing in-between him and returning to his wife. Exactly how experienced is Ash at killing people? His real answer should be that he has no idea if he’s ever actually killed anyone because most combat is just bullets flying across a disputed area. Unless Ash is actually a sniper. What she really should have asked him is, “How do you kill a dinosaur?”

And then they both come together. Like The Beatles!

And then the action returns to the battlefield because that’s enough sex for a Teen Plus rated comic book. At least for now!

It’s called a Stegosaurus! Or Spike, to his friends.

I know everybody can identify a Stegosaurus. But does anybody else currently have the book where they first encountered one? I know, I know. Most of the Tumblr generation first discovered them watching The Land Before Time. But here’s where I saw my first Stegosaurus.

This is from 1976. I wonder how much of it is now incorrect. My favorite dinosaur is the Camptownrasosaurus.

It might be surprising but I don’t have much to say about this story. There’s a page of dinosaurs attacking Ash and the other guy. I only remember Ash’s name because they used it again in this issue. But his friend is still just the Black Guy! And now they’ve made a new friend: the Korean Guy! And he’s got a pet lizard.

Oh, his name is Elliot! Not the dinosaur, dumb dumb! Ash’s buddy. I looked it up in G.I. Combat #1 while I was scanning this picture.

Would it have been so hard to do the dinosaur fight without a T-Rex? This is the fucking money shot of every man versus dinosaur story. Unless it’s the original Land of the Lost. Grumpy was never close to being as scary as a trip into the Sleestak’s cave.

Quiz time? How do they defeat the T-Rex? Do they:

A. Let it swallow Ash whole so he can shoot his way out of its stomach?
B. Throw grenades down its gullet?
C. Stab it in the eye?
D. Shove the barrel of a tank up its ass and blast it to Kingdom Fuck?

The answer is not C! They throw grenades down its throat! Good job, kids! I feel like fucking Dora listening to nobody but acting like she can hear all of the dumb kids’ answers anyway. Does anybody see Swiper? Swiper no swiping!

Elliot is pumped that he’s just blown the head off of an honest to goodness real life dinosaur. He celebrates every way he can think of except for fucking it in the eye socket. Ash gets a little perturbed by Elliot’s show of emotion.

I think Elliott knows it’s about survival. And he’s thrilled he just survived being attacked by a T-rex! And isn’t war about survival as well? Nobody’s going to “win” this war on terrorism. It’s only ever going to be about survival. So why is Ash thinking war is a game but survival is serious business that can’t be celebrated. Fuck it, white boy. I’d be dancing on that dinosaur’s head if I’d survived!

Ash can speak Korean so he tries to find out what’s going on from his new Korean Friend who doesn’t have a name yet because nobody bothers to ask. Korean Friend doesn’t know anything more than the Americans. Ash gives him a gun and now it’s Elliott’s turn to be perturbed.

Seriously though. I’d get his name first.

The story will be continued in Issue #3 where I guarantee guns will be used against dinosaurs. It will be very dramatic.

The second chapter of the Unknown Soldier story begins in the headquarters of A.M.M.O. (Advanced Military Medical Operations). Unless it means Another Mysterious Military Organization. Because this is another secret Black Ops Unit for the DCnU. The Unknown Soldier is undergoing an experimental process to give him regenerative powers. He declined to have his face reconstructed though. For that, they’re going to use “Smart Skin” to allow him to disguise himself as anybody he wants. So he’s part Wolverine and part Christopher Chance.

The Unknown Soldier is all fixed up and ready to go. So of course they need to test him first by sending him into Mexico City to kill a bunch of drug lords.

Why not just fix him up with a Firestorm Protocol?

The Unknown Soldier receives so many modifications that he’s barely even human anymore. He’s just the wrong side of immortal, apparently. Isn’t the part of the excitement of The Unknown Soldier that he’s just a common man doing his duty? But now he’s a fucking super hero that really doesn’t have to worry about being killed. He’s just a gigantic killing machine. Well, he’s not gigantic. He’s effective!

The Unknown Soldier has also had his brain rewired so they can download information into it. His eyes record everything he sees. He can speak fifteen languages (why not just fill him with all of them?). With all of his new abilities, he easily kills everything.

Later, blah blah blah terrorist blah blah blah biochemical agents blah blah blah al-Isri blah blah blah Antipova blah blah blah Unknown Soldier is immune to the Crimson Jihad biochemical agent blah blah blah Secret Operatives kidnapped and raised from childhood to be used to release the agent in America.

Profile that, mother fuckers!

G.I. Combat #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. Geez. The dinosaur story was more interesting than the Unknown Soldier story and the dinosaur story was boring! This war comic is not going to be any good if they use a story with pages of panels of gunfire and dinosaurs to explore some theme about love. And I’ve had enough of the usual story of the bad-ass guy who defeats terrorists. Maybe next issue it’ll be fun to watch him kill people who look like regular American teenagers. Or is that not supposed to be fun? He’ll probably just get in trouble with the normal authorities when he pops a cap in that white girl.

Overall, just not good enough. Not even close.

G.I. Combat #1

What makes this title any different from Men of War? Dinosaurs!

The second title from the Second Wave of the New 52 probably set off the cynic meter on the already low set cynic meter of most snorting comic book readers. But when a company cancels one title called Men of War and replaces it with G.I. Combat, it’s hard to not think that they’re simply using stories that were already planned for the other book but hoping for higher sales with a reformatting and another reset to Issue One. It’s a mini-reboot for the war comics.

J.T. Krul stopped writing Green Arrow because he just didn’t have enough time to write it and both Captain Atom. But I think he just realized he was shitting all over Oliver Queen and was writing the worst comic in the New 52. Because now he’s back to writing a second comic book and I’m not very excited about it, even with dinosaurs and lightning bolts. Although the story J.T. Krul wrote in Men of War #7 was actually pretty good. So maybe I should give him another chance. Maybe his war story where men battle dinosaurs will end up being really poignant.

Cut! Don’t look at the fucking camera! And try to control your ugly ass baby!

The initial story takes place just off the coast of North Korea. Special Forces have noticed an area with a radius of eight miles has gone dark to their satellites. Which of course doesn’t mean keep the area under satellite observation or watch the area surrounding it to see if anything comes out or just, you know, don’t start any trouble. What this means is, go in for a closer look which shouldn’t seem too aggressive to the North Koreans because, you know, they’re pretty secure about their standing in the world and they won’t have to make a show of force or anything if the Americans come poking around. The Sergeant or Lieutenant (holy fuck I spelled that correctly on my first try!) or whoever leads army people on a ship, tells his men, “Don’t go looking for a confrontation.” Sir, if I may be so bold but this is North Korea. They’re the over-aggressive frat boys of the international world. Looking at them askance is a fucking confrontation.

Oh, and killing their pterodactyls probably might be frowned upon as well.

I’m glad DC Comics is proud to present this story. That should inspire confidence in the reader, right? “Hey cool! They really back this story! Proud! That’s a pretty strong emotion to have for your creation.” I wonder if the lawyers at DC checked over the usage of “proud” in this comic. I bet the Letterer (or the artist? Who does the Splash Page Titles?) just flippantly put that in to make it seem more cinematic.

The soldiers plan when encountering previously extinct creatures is to shoot the shit out of them. The dinosaurs haven’t actually shown themselves to be aggressive. It just seemed like a sudden run-in between flying creatures in the middle of a dark and confusing storm. But fuck it, you know? We’ve got these guns and we’ve got to use them! Re-extinct these mother fuckers! Booyah!

Just, you know, ignore the fucking fact that those rotors are spinning and even if they weren’t powerful enough to cut the shit out of the pterodactyl as it tries to land on top of the helicopter, they’d at least explode in a blast of shrapnel instead of sitting there perfectly fine.

The pterodactyls don’t exactly like being shot up so they shake all of the men out of the helicopters. They eat a few of them so that the cast of characters won’t be too crazy once the others crash to the jungle below. Plus, you don’t want a whole platoon of men with guns or else when they fight the Tyrannosaurus Rex, it will be more believable when it’s a struggle to bring it down.

Only two men survive the attack: Elliot and the husband of the woman I scanned earlier, Ash.

Yeah! Because books am in that liberry, right?!

Soon, they stumble into a clearing where the North Koreans are busy fighting a Stegosaurus, a Triceratops, some Tyrannosaurs, and some other upright dinosaur that might be a Tyrannosaur but doesn’t quite look like one. The North Koreans have jets and tanks and men on foot. But don’t worry! Two Americans with M16s have just arrived to save the day! And that’s how this first part of the story ends. It’s pretty short for the first story at 14 pages. Maybe G.I. Combat is planning on serving up two stories each month of about equal length instead of one short, throwaway backup story and a longer continuing story arc.

The first story didn’t fill me with awe and excitement. Maybe if I were twelve again. Too bad this comic is rated Teen Plus. Perhaps if the Dinosaurs were wearing lingerie and battling North Korean hookers, I might be intrigued.

The second story stars The Unknown Soldier who is basically a mummy with a gun. It’s written by Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti who are the creative team on All Star Western which has been pretty good. I think the only Unknown Soldier stories I’ve read were a team up with Superman in DC Presents and the four issue mini-series by Garth Ennis. I don’t really remember either of them. It looks like The Unknown Soldier had a bit of a resurgence during my time away from comics. And looking at the older history of the character, the first series went for 268 issues! Holy crap! And for 22 years, nobody ever found out who he was!

The story is told from the point of view of a soldier whose platoon picked up The Unknown Soldier on a rescue mission of some soldiers that had been out sweeping for IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices).

On a side note, a childhood friend of mine was the only surviving soldier in a Humvee hit by an IED a few years ago. My aunt sent out an email to everyone when she got the news and declared, “Bobby had been wounded by an IUD.” Yeah. I can see that. He was always quite the horn dog so nearly getting killed by an intrauterine device didn’t sound too far off.

So this soldier is writing a letter to his girl back home and telling her all about this amazing Unknown Soldier who is practically a one man army and saved their asses dozens of times. They would follow him anywhere.

The Unknown Soldier wears a helmet cam that records everything he does. At the end of the day, does he go over the footage and create captioned photos for his tumblr account?

This last one is just for me and a handful of other people. So sorry you weren’t a bigger part of my life for the last 20 years!

It’s the shot of the heroin that gets the command types’ attention since they know exactly what it is and how many millions of dollars it’s worth. So Colonel Karl Benson flies in to interview The Unknown Soldier. You know, the guy with amnesia. But I guess he’s faking it because I think he tells Colonel Benson how he arrived where he’s at. Unless the flashback is simply for the readers and nobody is telling anybody anything and we, the readers, get to be the only ones who know why The Unknown Soldier is who he is.

The red robed woman, Pandora?, is still haunting first issues, hunh?

The Unknown Soldier’s family was killed in an explosion in the London Underground. He tried to join the military but was denied because he’d attempted suicide. He then traveled to South Africa to train with mercenaries. He ends up in Afghanistan and is nearly killed in an ambush. The rest of the squad he’s with are killed and he’s severely burned and wounded. But he lives and now here he is. The American Government has taken notice of him. And they’re recruiting him because they like the way he kills. I guess The Unknown Soldier is going to become another Black Ops Program in the DCnU!

G.I. Combat #1 Rating: Since there is a space available at 38, I’m going to stick it there to rise or to fall on its own terms. Neither story was very exciting and the dinosaur one was just boring and plot-retarded. The Unknown Soldier might make for a good character eventually but this origin wasn’t anything spectacular. So sticking it between Firestorm and Legion of Super-heroes is about right.