Justice League #19

The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn’t so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm’s comic book isn’t long for the shelves, so he joined. I don’t know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that’s useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.

Like you’d expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.

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Justice League #18

The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it’s time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I’ll get enough of that in the next comic book I’m going to read. If you’re really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be: Batman Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I’m going to treat everyone as if they’re really dumb so that I don’t make them feel dumb. And that shouldn’t bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won’t even notice a difference.

Smart Reader: “Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what’s happening in the comic books I’m too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!”
Dumb Reader: “You’re right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!”
Tess Ate Chai Tea: “The phrase “Duty. Honor. Country.” always makes me giggle because all I hear is “Doody on her cunt” and then I crack up.”

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Justice League #16

This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we’ll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won’t be that universal because they’ll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won’t be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don’t think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.

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Justice League #15

I bet Batman is wondering how Aquaman’s lousy crossover made it into the pages of The Justice League but The Court of Owls and Death of the Family didn’t warrant any Justice League space. Sure, the Justice League fought some Talons on an airplane as Green Arrow begged them to let him join but the front cover didn’t tag the crossover so it didn’t count. I don’t think any other comic book wanted Aquaman, so Geoff Johns could only tell The Throne of Atlantis story in books he was writing. And Green Lantern is busy with its own shitty crossover (well, it’s not that shitty! I’m actually enjoying it except for the part where everyone should have stopped trusting the Guardians of the Universe twenty years ago) and besides, what good would Aquaman be in space?

The comic begins with a submarine accidentally launching nuclear missiles into the ocean floor in the middle of the Atlantic. It may or may not have been an act of sabotage and the missiles may or may not have hit Atlantis or an outlying Atlantean community or maybe it just blew a hole in The Trench to free the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. It’s a couple of pages of that semi-cinematic hogwash that Geoff Johns likes to write into his comics that wastes a lot of space. But after that, the story really kicks in as Clark Kent and Diana Prince get dressed after their Smallville fling.

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Justice League #14

If this actually happened, Batman’s neck would be broken and his head popped off his fucking body.

How did Superman let himself get infected with the Werecheetah spit at the end of last issue? Can’t this guy stop his heart from beating so the poison saliva couldn’t circulate throughout his body? Seriously, if he doesn’t need to breathe, he doesn’t need his heart beating. This could be a magic curse but since it took place by a bite and is playing out like a werewolf bite, I’ve got to believe it’s a disease. I’m not sure if it’s been stated anywhere that Superman doesn’t have to breathe but it’s been shown that Supergirl doesn’t need to breathe. Or eat. Or drink. Or sleep. As long as she is full of sunlight, she doesn’t need to do anything that a normal body needs to do to keep functioning. Like shitting. I’m assuming Superman is the same way. And if they don’t need to eat or breathe, why do they need their blood pumping, right? Come on, Superman! Take some classes in meditation so you can slow down your heart beat to nothing and prevent things like this from happening in the first place.

Unless it’s magic. Then, you know, nevermind.

Once Superman transforms and loses control, he wouldn’t be pulling his punches because he’s a possessed monster now. So let’s see how many times the other members of the Justice League would have died this issue if not for Geoff Johns pulling some writing punches.

Apparently none of them would have died because a mysterious woman appears to blow a horn which incapacitates Superman after only Wonder Woman was nearly strangled by Superman. And I can live with Wonder Woman being able to handle Superman’s “can lift six times the Earth’s weight” strength crushing her larynx. I think. Can I? She is Zeus’s child, so yes.

I hate how often and how naturally everyone in comics finishes everyone else’s sentences. Hey, Aquaman! Don’t fucking think you know what Batman’s going to say! He’s like three times smarter than you or something.

Since Aquaman has limited telepathy, maybe he can read Batman’s thoughts. Although I still don’t know exactly how Aquaman’s telepathy works or what creatures it can work on. Can he only command creatures that live in the water to do things? Or is there a kind of two way communication that happens? Perhaps Aquaman has to bribe the creatures to do favors for him. So in-between comics, Aquaman is providing the promised hand jobs to the Great White Sharks for their service to him in the Darkseid War.

Also, Wonder Woman’s butt looks really nice in that panel above.

Flash and Wonder Woman and Aquaman go after The Cheetah but she seems to be just as fast as The Flash and a better fighter, so he gets his tendons torn up yet again. I guess his metabolism allows him to heal super fast though, so he’ll be okay again in a few panels.

Batman and Cyborg hang out with the native woman with the horn to try and find out how to help Superman. Cyborg uses some translation software to allow them all to communicate but I think it’s a bit buggy.

So you need to pray to the Gods and Goddesses that are as spoiled as The Cheetah?

Once The Flash’s leg heals, he shoves Cheetah’s claws deep into his chest. That’ll show her! Apparently the big plan is for The Flash to be hobbled and near death which will put The Cheetah off guard so she won’t notice that they’ve lured her next to a gigantic river where Aquaman can tell a bunch of fish to throw themselves at her.

And over at the Saving Superman Site, the unknown woman with the horn begins pouring unknown blood into Superman’s neck wound. And Batman lets her! Shouldn’t he test the blood first? And then see how it’ll react to Kryptonian physiology?! Did Batman suddenly decide to throw all caution to the wind after seventy years of acting otherwise? To be fair, Batman and Robin did spend a number of those years acting really goofy. So maybe it’s a bit less time than I first stated.

While The Flash is super fast and can’t lay a hand on The Cheetah, Wonder Woman wades right in and begins busting Cheetah chops. I suppose Cheetahs are fast so being fast isn’t really going to help defeat her. But Cheetah is also a God as is Wonder Woman (okay, okay. Half God). And Wonder Woman knows how to fight, so The Flash should just sit out and play Crime Scene Detective. Meanwhile, Aquaman is nowhere to be seen.

While filling Superman with her strange blood, Hara the Horn Lady tells Batman the tale of The Cheetah. It’s a long story so I’ll let her tell it.

TL;DR: There’s a knife called The Godslayer in the DCnU!

This tribe wants their God back so they want to kill Barbara Minerva. Then the Cheetah God will be released and can possess someone without being corrupted by The Godslayer blade. Or something. But guess what? None of that matters because The Justice League isn’t going to kill The Cheetah simply to save the lives of an entire tribe that depend on their animal God’s help. Fuck them! Fucking third world problems. A civilized Justice League can’t kill one person to save hundreds of others. What kind of choice is that? Better to not get your hands dirty and let hundreds of people die through no action of your own instead of saving them by getting your hands only slightly smudged by killing one single jerko. They should figure out another way to live. Get a new fucking patron God, you lazy tribesmen! Maybe The Goat. Or The Anteater. But don’t ask Batman to kill someone! Until he can rid the world of The Joker, he’s just going to sit back on his ideals and let the world go to hell any time it means blood must be spilled.

The Cheetah is finally captured when Wonder Woman kicks her into the river and Aquaman hits her with a bunch of fish. Hey, not any kind of fish! These are African Demon Fish! If you’re a white person reading that last sentence, the “African” part probably scared you more than the “Demon” part.

I wonder how many Tumblr followers I just lost with that last sentence? Anybody out there old enough to remember the seventies or eighties news threats of “Africanized” bees coming up from Mexico? Geez! Talk about a headline meant to scare the shit out of white middle class suburbanites! “Africanized whats from Mexico?!”

And then comes the big surprise reveal that I’m going to spoil right here instead of those normal reviews out there that would rather spoil by dropping really lame hints that they think won’t spoil the fucking comic anyway. “The Cheetah ends up in prison where she apparently wants to be because a certain “Legion” that brings “Doom” to the world is making plans. Heh heh heh.”

OMG OMG OMG! I hope they still have their swampy giant-headed headquarters!

Afterwards, Batman uncovers another big super shocking twist secret. Barbara Minerva wasn’t corrupted by The Cheetah or The Godslayer! The Cheetah was corrupted by Barbara because she’s a big bad criminal type! I hope she finds a good Super Villain gig with some “legion” or “doom”sday cult!

And then Superman and Wonder Woman fuck in a field in Smallville …

… while The Batperv watches via satellite.

Doesn’t Superman ever wash his cape? Shouldn’t he occasionally bathe it in radiation to clean it up? Or dip it in the sun? Kryptonian Dry Cleaning! How long is Batman’s tracker going to be on Supes’ cape? Batman’s tracer is probably indestructible anyway. Who am I kidding? Hmm, I think I should have said “Who am I kidding?” before I said “Batman’s tracer is probably indestructible anyway.”

The back-up story returns to the world of SHAZAM! after the brief but boring interlude with Steve Trevor and Oliver Queen drinking in a bar. Those guys suck toast.

This chapter of SHAZAM! highlights Black Adam returning to the city. It’s a brilliant rewrite of Action Comics #1 where Superman drops Glenmorgan from the top of a skyscraper to scare him into admitting his guilt in corporate shenanigans. Black Adam takes the CEO of a corporation being picketed by its employees and drops him from a skyscraper as well. Except Black Adam doesn’t catch him before he hits the pavement. Black Adam is basically the Superman that Batman fears. He has the power to change the world and to help people and he’ll use it however he feels justified.

Yay! Black Adam for World President/Dictator!

Next on Black Adam’s list of things to do is to find the manifestations of The Seven Deadly Sins and recruit them to his side. With their help, he will remake the world and it will be a happy go lucky place for all mankind. As long as they do what Black Adam says.

Justice League #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Legion of Doom is coming! The Legion of Doom is coming! I think I just ruined my underwear!

Justice League #0

So Billy Batson is finally going to get blasted by the magic lightning, hunh? He’s currently investigating the inside of the Wizard’s Lair, a place where all the magic in the world has been locked away for safe keeping. Well, not all of it, I guess, since a whole bunch of it is being wasted over in Justice League Dark. I think it was meant to keep Black Adam in check but he’s been freed by Dr. Sivana. So now Billy Batson needs to get that lightning power.

Billy wanders around until he enters the Chamber of the Seven Deadly Sins. Isn’t the Rock of Ages or something in here as well?

Dammit, Billy. Why didn’t you hit the Lust button?

After this, Billy does run down the line hitting all of the stone buttons. But still no Lust!

Lust would probably end up being a fat guy with a giant erection surfing for porn anyway.

The Wizard scolds Billy for touching his seven sins and tells him to hurry the fuck up and ride the lightning, bitch boy. The Wizard calls Billy a child, Billy calls the Wizard a child molester, and much fun was had by all. Also, the fortress is called the Rock of Eternity. My memory doesn’t like to remember things too exactly.

The arguing and the bickering turn into a debate in which the fifteen year old gets the better of the ancient wizard. Hey, it happens! The wizard is looking for a purely good person. Billy’s experience has shown him none of those exist. The wizard’s belief in his quest blinded him to that possibility. So he looks into Billy to see if he has the potential to be purely good and he has that in spades as the wizard sees all of the times Billy has stuck up for the weak and the helpless and the downtrodden. And anyway, the discussion really doesn’t matter. Black Adam is on his way to kill the wizard and the wizard will never survive to find another person to house the magic. So he gives the magic word to Billy and WHAMMO! I mean, SHAZAM!

Billy’s gonna get him some sweet poontang now!

I wonder if Shazam’s physique is because he’s compensating for a small penis? I wonder if Billy needs to poo and then transforms into Shazam, he’d blast lightning out of his ass and destroy the toilet? These two questions aren’t on Billy’s mind at all. He just begins smashing things and enjoying his power. But the wizard has a few more things to say before he drops dead.

So Billy’s secret power is the ability to assign powers to other people? But since he’s not Captain Marvel but Shazam, what will Mary Marvel be called? Shazama?

After the wizard’s revelation, he dies. There’s an explosion of lightning and Billy (as Shazam) returns to Freddy in the normal world. Freddy is frightened at first but just needs to look in Shazam’s eyes to know it’s really Billy. And the first thing Billy does with his new Shazam powers is destroy the car of the father of the kids who picked on his foster brothers and sisters.

Well, he did gain the powers because he had the potential to be good. Which means he also has the potential to be a major asshole as well.

And this is their second plan!

Good thing the wizard is too dead to see what a colossal mistake it was to give this kid so much power. Although I’m sure something akin to Peter’s Uncle Ben getting killed will happen to straighten this kid out really quick.

As Freddy and Shazam are considering what to do next, they hear a mugging nearby. And Billy can’t help but get involved because of all of those potentials the wizard saw in him. He’s a sucker for protecting the bullied. He punches the mugger who flies across the street and into a car. He’s lucky he didn’t kill him. But Billy is quite aware of that and it’s probably a good lesson for him learning his strength.

And he makes an easy buck out of it.

Geoff Johns has written some of the best scenes across his various titles that have made me laugh out loud. That first panel with Shazam quickly proclaiming he’s an adult is one of them. And then these closing two panels also made me laugh.

And big credit to Gary Frank for Shazam’s face in that first panel and his pose in the second.

The back-up story begins with Pandora about to once again open her box. Pull up your pants, sicko. This comic is merely rated “Teen” not “Teen Plus!” Anyway, her box is shaped like a skull and she’s fiddling with it in some back alley. Ahem. Pants.

Pandora believes she can correct the evils she unleashed upon the world in the past. But her box is sealed tight. She’s visited by the wizard who apparently didn’t die. He apologizes to Pandora for punishing her simply because she was curious and couldn’t resist diddling with her box.

Seriously? What grade am I in?!

The wizard informs her that “only the strongest of heart or the darkest” can open the box and claim its power of transformation. But before he can tell her what that power is, he disappears in another crack of lightning. That guys got to be the most annoying guest at any party.

Wouldn’t it have been embarrassing if the steam had been in the form of an exclamation point?

Justice League #0 Rating: Shazammy! I really wouldn’t mind if this title just suddenly became Shazam with Justice League back-up features! There’s precedence for that, right?

Justice League #11

Insert your own Goddamned joke here.

I’ve got 21 comic books to read before I’m completely caught up so I don’t have time to be funny! I’m going to plow through the last of these issues so that I can take my time with the new arrivals each week after that. Plus I’ll be able to read something other than comic books. And maybe attend to my business so it doesn’t go under. And possibly play a little more Call of Duty. And mostly just sit around in the backyard napping.

Last issue, The Justice League had just been defeated by an author dying of cancer. Sure, maybe he had a few super powers and he’d done a little research but he was still a writer. Near death. Against Batman! And Superman! And Wonder Woman! And Cyborg! And The Flash! And Green Lantern! And Aqu…well, did I mention Batman?!

The author David Graves main power is The Tear-Jerker.

While the rest of the Justice League are overcome by sad thoughts, Batman fights through it. Hell, the death of his parents might be sad but only when Batman finds the sadness appropriate. Showing Batman his parents being murdered while Batman is in Kick-Your-Ass Mode is just going to fuel his need to be even more kickier.

For some reason, Graves teleports back to where he’s keeping Steve Trevor: Trevor’s sister’s house. He only had the entire Justice League paralyzed by sadness and then he leaves them to recover. I’m guessing that his contract calls for a minimum 100,000 words or so. This was just the Prologue. Or the Prelude, maybe. Perhaps a simple Forward.

Really, The Flash? Because Batman has been so forthcoming up to this point.

Graves torments Steve’s sister a bit while the ghosts of Graves’ family sit with him. He mentions that his son was ravaged with disease at the end and didn’t recognize him. And later, Superman mentions that they saved Graves and his family. So it looks like some form of cancer killed off Graves’ wife and children and is now taking Graves. He blames the Justice League so he must blame them for his cancer.

I haven’t called out DC’s editors in a while. I missed the typo in Legion of Superheroes #11 in Damsel Girl’s introduction box because I’ve stopped reading those boxes a long time ago. I ignored a typo in another comic’s Last Issue box. So I’ll throw this one out there and remind everyone: DC’s Editors have the easiest job in the world because they don’t fucking do it!

Wonder Woman gets all Amazony on everyone and declares she’s going to go cut this asshole’s head off. But Batman stops her and tells her that they don’t cut people’s heads off. Speak for yourself, Batman! Or was that a hint to her that cutting off heads would go too far but maybe, you know, breaking some guy’s neck would be okay. Wink wink.

Then Green Lantern tries to stop her.

No wonder Sinestro is so condescending to Hal Jordan. Jordan fucking sucks. So he earned the ring for his great Willpower. And yet, every other Justice League Member can break his constructs! Abin Sur fucked up! Should have been Guy Gardner all along.

Wonder Woman next disparages Green Lantern’s sexual abilities and slices him in the chest with her phallus. Superman tries to stop her and gets kicked six blocks away. Xena Wonder Woman can’t be stopped!

It’s as if Jim Lee were a shitty director and he hired the worst extras imaginable. “Look like you’re looking at the big video monitor! Maybe more people could point? Yeah! Yeah! Now it looks like you’re all looking at it! Bravo!”

Cyborg Boom Tubes everyone away from the public and into Graves’ writing cabin in Maine. Tensions are still running hot so Batman tells them to cut the shit and work together.

I mean Aquaman! I didn’t recognize him since this is the first time he’s spoken in four or five issues.

Wait, what? That was Superman? No, no. I’m sure it was Aquaman.

David Graves’ Journals give the Justice League some of the answers. Graves and his family became ill shortly after Darkseid’s attack on Metropolis and he blamed the Justice League even though everybody in Metropolis didn’t suddenly have cancer. Batman also discovers Graves went to that mountain to be reunited with his dead loved ones. So they Boom Tube there and Cyborg manages to spot the entrance to the Land of the Dead.

No, Victor, you’re completely dead and your cyborg half is merely life support.

Once in the Valley of Souls, they all see visions of deceased family members. Except for, you know, Cyborg.

I told you! You’re dead, mother fucker!

Oh, and I thought Wonder Woman might see her mother killed by Hera. But she’s probably gone off in Limbo or The Happy Hunting Grounds or wherever dead Amazons wind up. I probably knew if I could remember more Xena. Instead of her mother, she sees Steve Trevor who tells her, “You’re too late.” Well, doesn’t that just twist your lasso.

In the Shazam back-up story, Billy Batson finally makes it to Hogwarts The Wizard’s Lair by hopping aboard the mystic subway after getting punched in the face by the asshole kid that bullies his foster brothers and sisters. Oh, and Black Adam acts like a giant dick.

Justice League #11 Rating: No change. The comic is still a huge improvement over the initial Darkseid story arc but I will not give a team book a boost in the Rankings when the members of the team beat each other up when they have a disagreement. It’s simply silly.

Justice League #10

Wonder Woman has fake breasts? And Superman’s muscles are built into his suit? I knew it! He’s really a wimp!

This Justice League story is not about Superman’s problem with masturbation. It is not about the time Aquaman had sex with a manatee. It isn’t about Wonder Woman’s first anal experience or Batman’s either. It’s not about Green Lantern’s impotence problem. It’s not about The Flash being a virgin. And it isn’t about Cyborg because that would just be boring. This story is about a man named David Graves, and he is dying.

Or maybe he was dying? He visited a nexus to the afterlife three years ago to gain something. Powers, maybe? Or just some knowledge? Since he really is still dying (I’m sure of it!), I think he learned that to save his own life, he’ll need the life of someone very powerful. Or at least their powers. Maybe. It’s all guesses as to why David Graves wants to meet (or fight?) with the Justice League. But he’s going to a lot of trouble to be prepared.

Well, if one guy can beat up all of your enemies, he might just be a problem. Especially having learned what he wanted from The Key and the Weapons Master.

During the Justice League’s discussion about Graves, they realize that some of the members know a little bit more about the other members. Batman, of course, has done his research. He knows everything he needs to know about each of them but he also knows better than to mention that he knows everything. Cyborg knows a lot about everyone because if it’s in a computer somewhere, Cyborg knows it whether he wants to know it or not. Hal is such a narcissist he doesn’t even remember the things he once knew if they didn’t involve him somehow. Wonder Woman and Aquaman are so of the moment that they only know what they’ve experienced first hand. And Superman knows quite a bit because he’s got a reporter’s eyes and ears.

After the Martian Manhunter incident, I suspect it’s hard to trust even your own teammates.

It’s at this moment that Graves teleports onto the satellite. They know he used Steve Trevor’s access code because Cyborg set it up to trigger an alarm if anybody used it. It doesn’t give them much warning though. But it does allow Wonder Woman to know that Graves has been fucking with her man.

Batman is checking out her ass.

David Graves stops Wonder Woman by shooting out soul sucking pain beasts that drain her of her life. She collapses looking old and withered. He does the same to the rest of them and he can’t be touched by any of their powers. So his research allowed him to become immune to Flash’s pummeling, Green Lantern’s Power Ring, Batman’s brain, Superman’s heat vision, and Aquaman’s school of fish. The entire League is finally taken down by a single man near death.

It turns out David Graves was granted some kind of undead pain sucking power from the Nexus of the Afterlife he visited, a place called Mount Sumeru. They infused him with the power to gain vengeance on those he believes killed his family.

Oh yeah! That’s why he wants to meet the Justice League! Because he believes they were responsible for his family’s death because they didn’t save them during the Apokolips Invasion.

So that’s it! After four or five issues of the Justice League handling everything with no problem, they’re all put down in just a few pages. Now that they’ve all been crippled by their pain and their sad memories, they’re going to have to think of the happy memories where they helped each other out to get their strength and vitality back. And Superman will tell David Graves, “We aren’t Gods! We can’t save everyone. But we do what we can and we’re sorry we couldn’t help your family.” And David Graves will fall to his knees weeping and then he’ll die of cancer. Or perhaps nobody will say anything and he’ll just keel over dead right before he kills them all.

In the Shazam story, Freddy follows Billy on a late night excursion where he catches Billy feeding a tiger named Tawny at the zoo. Freddy thanks Billy for sticking up for the family. Billy wants to get even with Mr. Bryer, the father of the jerk kids at school. And Freddy knows where he lives. So it’s prank time! Possibly involving a tiger.

Meanwhile, Dr. Sivana and his magic eye set Black Adam loose upon the world! I bet the first thing he does is tear Terra Man in half. Except he seems to be demanding an audience with The Wizard. He may get it but not before The Marvel Family does because they kind of need their powers or this comic was named incorrectly.

Justice League #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. I’m not a big fan of a super villain coming onto the scene and taking out the super heroes in just a few pages. But this guy has the powers of some Gods and he did a lot of research, so maybe I can forgive this one. Just this once. Once again, though, I really like the dialogue and interaction between the characters when they’re not in battle. That’s why the comic advances in the rankings.

Justice League #9

Do Justice League covers always have to be dynamic? Just show them sitting around sipping coffee and reading the paper.

Four years ago, David Graves authored a book called Gods Among Men which was about the Justice League’s sudden appearance in the world. He’s also the author in the DCnU who writes about the kinds of things you’d hear on Coast to Coast AM.

The second book from the left should be “Fatima Prophecies” not “Fatmia Prophecies.”

David Graves is dying of cancer and his current doctor has decided that enough is enough. They’ve tried everything and nothing is working. It’s time for David to make his peace. But David is not fucking going out like that, bitch!

I think he wants a second opinion.

No doctor can help David so David decides it’s time to help himself. That probably means becoming a super villain to get the Justice League’s attention and force them to save his ass.

Meanwhile, Batman is busy reading the letter Barry delivered to him in Flashpoint. It’s the letter from his father from the alternate timeline. While he’s contemplating a father he never knew, yet another explosion at Arkham helps free a bunch of inmates. The guy causing the explosion to get into Arkham? The Key. Flashback to Morrison’s run on the Justice League back in the late 90s. Which makes me realize that last issue was also a flashback to that run! Is Johns making his timeline in the Reboot similar to the old DCU timeline in slight ways? Green Arrow proved he was good enough to join the team by taking out The Key with a Boxing Glove arrow in Morrison’s run. Now, Green Arrow has not been allowed to join the League. The League isn’t searching for new members like they were in Morrison’s run, mostly because Martian Manhunter fucked it up for everyone in the Reboot.

The letter reminds Batman of a sad memory of repainting his room after his parents were killed. And later, in Metropolis, Superman has a sad memory of being picked last for the basketball team when Lois calls everyone to come with her to the taco truck for free tacos except Clark. That’s disgusting, Lois! This whole issue is beginning to channel Sailor Moon R: The Movie. Will it end (or, will the final issue of the storyline end) with them remembering a time when Sailor Moon included them and made them happy with her insufferable, I mean, ineffable charm? But replace Sailor Moon with someone else. Wonder Woman? Steve Trevor? Amanda Waller?

That reminds me! Back in the mid-90s, I made an AMV (Anime Music Video) of Sailor Moon R: The Movie. It was done by hooking up a Laser Disc Player and a Stereo to a VCR. Halfway through, you can see the blue screen where you’re supposed to flip the Laser Disc. AMV old school, beeyotch.

Batman gives Superman a call to help him take down The Key. Not that Batman needs Superman’s help. Batman’s just thinking about his friend’s needs.

The Key is probably a sore spot because Clark kept pulling that Rare when he first began collecting Heroclix. That and fucking Desaad. And Goddamned Commissioner Gordon too!

Batman also invited Cyborg along to help track The Key inside Arkham. Cyborg also has a sad memory about how his daddy never had time for him until he was turned into a walking weapon. And then his daddy wanted to spend time with him but Cyborg was too busy. Cue Cat’s Cradle!

Cyborg directs everyone to the stairs to head down lower into Arkham where The Key is headed. But Superman knows the secret to Gotham: its walls are like Styrofoam! He busts through the walls because, you know, why take the way that won’t result in expensive property damage when you can make your own, more direct route that will create jobs for the citizens of Gotham! Nice one, Job Creator Man!

While all this super heroical crap is going on, Steve Trevor has wandered into his apartment where he keeps the television on at all hours. He’s instantly greeted with Harvey and Charles from TMZ pointing out how Steve Trevor has become a big loser since he broke up with Wonder Woman. So I guess that’s what all the tension is about between the two of them. They used to date and now it’s over and Steve Trevor is heartbroken. And Diana just wants to be friends. Super friends!

Oh, I mention Steve Trevor because Davy Graves was waiting for him in his apartment. I guess he was the one watching TMZ before Trevor got home! Davy Graves wants a meeting with the Justice League (or revenge? It’s sometimes hard to tell with these super villains) and has determined that Colonel Steve Trevor is the key. No, no, no! Not The Key! He’s different.

Yay, Geoff Johns! Someone who understands The Flash Dilemma!

The Flash and Green Lantern are hanging out doing super-heroics as well! And they also have sad memories although they’re not quite on par with the Clark’s, Bruce’s, or Victor’s. Jordan is being manhandled by a cop and Allen is watching cops manhandle a civilian. Sorry if the emotional impact of these two scenarios are lost on me when Bruce is dealing with dead parents, Victor is dealing with a living but uncaring dad, and Clark is having his feelings of abandonment and loneliness multiplied by his schoolmates’ attitudes.

Flash and Lantern have apprehended Weapons Master and need to question him to find out who sent him and for what reason. But they fail at their interrogation so they need Wonder Woman and her magic lasso. Wonder Woman has a sad memory as well.

So does she still want to be more than Super Friends?

Bats, Supes, and Cybs find The Key cowering in the basement of Arkham. He wants to be locked up and thrown away! What a punster! He’ll fit right in in Gotham City. It looks like David Graves got inside the mind of The Key and stole everything The Key knew about the Justice League. He also found out from the Weapons Master how to hurt each and every one of the Justice League. So just like any good author, he’s doing his research before his next novel. I think the next novel is going to have something to do with the death of the Justice League and the death of David Graves too.

But the story isn’t over yet! Remember how Graves was in Trevor’s apartment? Yeah, well, he wants information. And Graves is all tricked out in some kind of super villain costume that the creative team are keeping mostly secret until next issue.

Don’t worry, Steve Trevor! Graves will probably keep you alive to leave you as the surprise calling card on the satellite which the League will find just before he strikes.

That’s it for the Justice League. And I wasn’t planning on scanning anything from the Shazaam story but this part was just too nice. Billy still isn’t getting along with his new siblings. He just wants to be left alone. But after school, the rich and influential parent’s kids begin picking on the Foster Marvels. They begin getting physical when Billy beats the crap out of all of them. Billy gets in trouble and is threatened with expulsion if he continues to get into fights. But after leaving the principal’s office, this goes down:

I could learn to like this Billy Batson.

The story ends with Dr. Sivana getting blasted in the eye on an archaeological dig. He develops a lightning bolt scar across his eye and he realizes he can see magic! How he knows this, I don’t know! It’s probably part of the mystic transfusion of power received by breaking into the Tomb of Black Adam.

Justice League #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic is so, so, so much better when Geoff Johns writes a story instead of a storyboard for a gigantic fight. I’m thoroughly enjoying it now.

Justice League #8

Why? What does he have to offer over the current all-star line-up? A strong liberal opinion and a hatred for internet celebrities?

The Super Friends don’t want any new members for their club. It’s Congress that would like them to expand their roster with a mole. I mean a plant. I mean a respected member of the community.

I just glanced through the current titles of the New 52 to find someone other than Green Arrow that could join the Justice League and it’s slim pickings. A bunch of vigilante types. Some aliens. A few non-heroes. And some other Batpeople.

The issue begins just as the Justice League is taking down Amazo in Seattle. So like last issue, the battle with the bad guy doesn’t actually need to be shown because, you know, it’s the Justice League with all the heavy hitters (and Aquaman). Which only goes to show that Green Arrow would be superfluous. Except I have a feeling that this story will show why he would make a good member and he’ll offer something that the others can’t currently do (maybe Batman will be in the bathroom), like shooting a Boxing Glove Arrow that isn’t in the shape of a bat.

It’s time for Numbers Fun with the Justice League! How did they come up with the odds of 1 in 1000? Flash states the more people Cyborg takes with him, the higher the strain. This would seem to indicate a lesser chance for a malfunction given less people in the Boom, dropping to zero percent chance when just Cyborg travels. So I’d guess that 1 in 1000 indicates the odds when Booming seven people. But they’ve only accidentally Boomed to Apokolips twice. Which means they don’t have a good amount of data to have determined that the odds are 1 out of 1000. If they determined 1 out of every 1000 jumps is a malfunction based on the 2nd time they ended up on Apokolips, let’s say it was exactly that. 2000 Booms; 2 trips to Apokolips. But now it’s been 3056 Booms; 2 trips to Apokolips. So now the odds are 1 in every 1528 Booms! Besides, they aren’t technically overdue. If the odds truly are 1 in 1000, every trip has those odds regardless of past precedent.

While the Justice League worries about ending up on Apokolips and Amazo continues to regenerate, Green Arrow busts in on the scene all wide-eyed wonder and excited to meet some real super stars! But the popular kids don’t want the fat nerd hanging around. Green Arrow claims he helped bring down Amazo but the Justice League isn’t buying it.

I admit it. I laughed.

Green Arrow actually wants to be recruited and makes his pitch to the team telling them all about his dozens of different arrows he can fire! DOZENS! Batman has his own secretive Bat-reasons for not wanting any new members. And Aquaman must have had a run-in with him over in an Aquaman comic I’ve yet to read since he seems to dislike him quite a bit. And Green Lantern shares my assessment.

More of the New 52 need more of that kind of exchange. The Justice League has made me laugh twice now. That’s a pretty impressive feat!

The Justice League ditches Green Arrow. The arrogant jerks and Green Arrow’s attitude in this scene have done more for Green Arrow in the New 52 than Green Arrow’s own comic. I liked him here over everything else in the New DCU he’s been in.

One week later, the Justice League are battling a whole slew of Talons aboard an ARGUS plane leaving Gotham. Batman is dealing with Talons of his own so he’s only talking to the team over the phone. Probably over a hands-free device. Probably a Bat-hands-free device! The Justice League have busted into the ARGUS plane mid-flight to stop the undead Talons.

As they’re battling, Green Arrow’s arrows start flying! He intercepted their message and got on the plane before it took off. Once again, the cool kids tell him he isn’t wanted and leave him in the middle of nowhere after the fight is over.

Green Arrow tries one more time and they just brush him off. But this time he’s intercepted by Steve Trevor who makes Green Arrow a deal. He can use his social conscience to help out another team dealing with the political and corporate world. Sounds like he might be offering him a place on Justice League International.

Back on the Justice League Satellite, the team consider the possibility of enlisting new members at some point. But Batman is adamant against it because of the last time they brought a new member on board the satellite.

So Martian Manhunter was a part of the League at some point. He probably infiltrated it on behalf of Stormwatch to keep an eye on the new upstarts on the block.

That explains Batman’s mistrust of others. The current seven member team has proven themselves trustworthy and they’re powerful enough to take on nearly any problem. So who needs the added stress of a new member who can turn on you at any moment? Especially one like Martian Manhunter who is practically more powerful than the Justice League itself.

The Shazam back-up story has Billy moving in to his new home with his five other new brothers and sisters. These are the kids that made up the Marvel Family in Flashpoint. So it looks like Shazam will be the whole group of them and maybe Billy Batson will continue to be Captain Marvel and not Shazam like I was hoping. Or maybe they’ll all just continue to go by their normal names even when Shazammed out.

In the story, Billy is still a dick but you get to see him at least feel a bit sorry for making one of his new sisters cry. And Mary is in total control. And the others are the others. Still no sign of Magic Lightning or Gods.

Justice League Issue #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I’m really starting to like a number of things about this comic. So far the only real fight showcased was against Darkseid and that lasted way too many issues. But since then, Johns has been concentrating on the other things that go into being a member of the Justice League and less on the battles. I like that style (and I know it won’t last. Another big fight crisis will be up soon) since this team really can take down nearly any threat with no problem; there’s no need to show every punch. And I like the humor. Humor that is actual humor and not throw away lines of repartee when fighting. It’s looking to me like the Darkseid story will probably end up being the weakest point of the book!