The Phantom Stranger #7

The new Dr. Thirteen looks like my cousin Travis. What that means is that he looks appropriately nerdy on this cover. I think maybe his chin should be a bit weaker, maybe his glasses a bit thicker, his teeth a wee bit scragglier, and his hair slightly greasier. And then he’d be an appropriate stereotype and I could accept him being the super smart technological master he is! But he’ll just never be as awesome as his top hat wearing, sideburns sporting, fully rational ancestor. This guy just feels like a conniving jerk that desperately wants to be in on the important goings on in the New DC. And now he’s going to try to murder The Phantom Stranger with the Spear of Longinus? Hmm, I could buy that.

The issue begins with The Phantom Stranger sitting in church. Is he seeking solace? Is he basking in the glory of his ultimate betrayal? Or is he just taking a break from wandering forever? Whatever he’s doing, it’s interrupted by a priest homing in on the scent of despair.

That quote is just the kind of bullshit that C.S. Lewis was the master of. He had a way of saying things that people who were desperate to believe or already believed or were too stupid to respond with, “That actually doesn’t make any fucking sense,” would eat up as profound wisdom. Let’s pretend this wasn’t just linguistic pablum and take it seriously for a moment. How would C.S. Lewis know it was all plan and not “no plan”? Yeah, he can’t know it but oh my Lord doesn’t it just FEEL RIGHT?! Hallelujah! That makes so much sense! And something without a center? Why, maybe it’s all center! My next project (after DC crumbles and returns to the old Universe which I won’t be going back to) is to do a line by line analysis of Mere Christianity. If I can manage to keep my lunch down as I read it.

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The Phantom Stranger #6

Yeah, it’s pretty pretentious to categorize my commentaries as my “oeuvre” when they’re really just a bunch of posts calling Scott Lobdell a hack, Ann Nocenti a magnetic poetry loving walrus, and Tom DeFalco’s mother’s vagina a jerk. Fuck it. We can’t all be motherfucking John Steinbeck.

Last issue, a lot of things were not cleared up. But one thing that was cleared up: The Question was the asshat that kidnapped The Phantom Stranger’s family and crucified the babysitter. Who does The Question work for? What was his crime that was so terrible that he was blessed cursed with immortality? What’s his big punishment? To only ask questions? If I were forced to only speak in questions but be granted immortality at the same time, I think I could live with that. Oh! I guess I’d have to live with it! Hell, if I were in the Phantom Stranger’s shoes and was forced to betray people while getting to be immortal, I’d do it. Fuck, who am I kidding? If I were forced to walk around eating dog shit as the price for immortality, I’m not too proud to say no to that deal!

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Action Comics #9

What is Earth 23 like? I’m excited to find out!

Let me start by saying I think the Little Man might be Mr. Mxyztplk of the New 52. I mentioned it in different non-Action Comics commentary, so I thought I would put it out here while I’m thinking about it. Also, the last story finished the big initial storyline and this one takes place on an alternate Earth, so I probably don’t need a recap.

Can’t a man hate black Superman for reasons other than his skin color? Like his annoying need to stop criminals? Stop snitchin’, bitch!

Superman of Earth 23 handily defeats Lex Luthor on page one. Lex Luthor nearly has a stroke trying to convince Superman that he hates Superman because of everything about him and it’s not about his race. Poor, misunderstood Lex Luthor. He doesn’t hate Superman because he’s black. He hates Superman because he’s from Krypton! That’s a totally different kind of racism. Get it right!

Superman investigates Lex’s lair to see what he was up to and finds a giant cube which serves as a gateway between dimensions. This sounds like another object that is going to completely screw up DC Continuity!

“All right, Mister Morrison! Pull over and show me your writer’s license. Do you have Didio’s permission to fuck up continuity?”

While investigating the giant cube, some dimensional travelers step out of it.

These are alternate versions of Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and Clark Kent. Well, they were alternate versions of Jimmy and Clark.

Lois and her now burned up freedom fighters are dimension hopping looking for help to stop some great evil from their Earth. Superman 23 believes that he can help them. Or her since the others have fried to a crisp. Or nearly. Clark is still clinging to life.

What happened? How did they come to Earth 23? The three friends developed a machine which could amplify their thoughts and create real objects. The power of their machine was not great enough for these objects to last though. And they wanted to create a Superman to solve all of the world’s problems. So they needed funding. They went to Overcorp.

It’s Mxyztplk! Is he in every world?

What they created was the ultimate product. The symbol ended up on everything. Everybody wanted to be associated with Superman. Everything became branded with its symbol. So Lois and Clark and Jimmy ran. They used their machine to jump from one reality to another. But the Superman of their Earth pursued them.

Is this why Tiny Titans was cancelled? This Superman destroyed their world?

Before Superman 23 destroys Superman Brand X, Superman 23 gets a call from his assistant about an intense situation in Libya. See, Superman 23 is also the president of the United States. But he can’t deal with politics while he’s saving the world! So he sends in his Brainiac double to keep peace on the world stage.

He doesn’t actually look like that. Although there are probably people like David Icke of Earth 23 who catch glimpses of him like this and report it and they’re called crazy and conspiracy theorists. But look! It’s real! And only they know the truth!

Superman 23 and Superman Brand X blather and dance until Superman Brand X gets the upper hand and knocks Superman 23 across the room. That’s when Luthor steps in with his “I told you so’s”.

In Swamp Thing #9, I posted a Young Ones pic. And now Lex Luthor uses the phrase, “Fascist Bully Boy,” which I learned from The Young Ones.

With Luthor’s help, Superman overpowers the Superman Brand. He traps it in-between wavelengths in Luthor’s Transmatter Array (the thing it came out of in the first place). The fight is over. But since it’s been trapped between wavelengths in some machine that allows people to go from one Earth to another, I imagine this Superman Brand X will wind up on Earth 1 sometime in the future. And Superman 1 won’t have any idea what it is or how to defeat it. I imaging that’s the main reason this story was told. It’s the origin for a future Superman enemy.

The back-up story is a nice story about Superman 23 and his role as America’s president. As Superman, he disables Qurac’s Firestorm programs while discussing the situation with Qurac’s president on his Bluetooth. After the mission is complete and the phone call is ended, Wonder Woman 23 has a few philosophical issues with Superman 23 being president.

For all you racists out there, you can still like Batman on Earth 23. He was white.

Action Comics #9 Rating: No change. I enjoyed both stories in this comic although I may have liked the backup story by Sholly Fisch a little bit more. Both stories dealt with the idea of a great power overstepping its bounds and going from a protector to a fascist. It’s what Luthor has always seen in Superman and feared. And it’s the question Wonder Woman is pondering at the end of the backup story. What is it about Superman that keeps him from crossing that line? And if he ever does cross it, will he know it? Will he make excuses for his abuse of power? Or will his Justice League friends keep him balanced?

Justice League #7

Now THAT’S an Amorphous Tar Monster!

Justice League has now moved into the future. I guess the first story was just to let us know how it all began this time around. Even though it doesn’t even matter. Because Issues #1-6 are the new way in which the Justice League met. But then everything that ever happened to these seven heroes across the Old DC Universe has now happened to them in the space of the last five years. Except maybe Crisis on Infinite Earths since Barry Allen died in that. And maybe some other things. Like Amanda Waller not getting fat or aging for about a decade. Maybe that’s in her future!

Why am I even talking about The Wall? She isn’t in this comic! But Steve Trevor is! That’s the guy who brought Wonder Woman to America. He runs some organization called A.R.G.U.S.H.: Advanced Research Group Uniting Super Humans. Except they refer to it as ARGUS. Maybe he’s become the Justice League’s manager!

Currently, his team of normal humans are fighting the little tar monsters but none of the normal, normal humans believe they can defeat them without the help of the Justice League. Even a Goddamn reporter interferes and acts like she’s got the most important job in the world and everything needs to stop to pay attention to her.

Fuck bitch! Give a guy some room to save your ass.

The Justice League beat up these little spores or whatever they are pretty handily. Green Lantern runs them over with a giant green train. How imaginative. He already used the train in Voodoo! I can’t believe we’re getting light creation repeats already! The rest of the Justice League just hit stuff. But what they’re really looking for is some guy named Samuel Street who was transporting some virus and then exposed to it. He mutated into something they’re calling Spore. The little black tarlings are his seeds. I thought they looked a bit semen-like.

This whole catastrophe began when some unknown somebody broke into some government Black Ops Trophy Warehouse and stole the Orb of Ra. So that means Metamorpho is going to return to the New 52, right? RIGHT?!

The Justice League track down Spore fairly handily and begin the process of beating him up. It’s a fairly standard story.

Is Superman this demanding on all of his dates?

After Spore is stopped (that panel up there is the last panel of the fight), Steve Trevor has to hold a press conference. This is where the story really starts. It’s about what Colonel Trevor has to go through as liaison for the Justice League. The press just hound him and call for the Justice League replace all the elected officials (stupid). Then Congress addresses him and says they want to control the Justice League. So Trevor threatens that the Justice League might not like Congress acting that way and they just might have to expose some of the Congressmen’s secrets. The Congressmen start apologizing and back pedaling. I’m pretty sure they would really just scowl and get some Black Ops department to assassinate Steve Trevor. Like maybe the Suicide Squid Squad?

The main thing everyone wants to know is this: Is Colonel Trevor banging Wonder Woman? He denies it but when he’s alone, the first thing he does is fire up Skype.

That’s the look of someone who’s getting laid!

Trevor fills the Justice League in on what he learned from Congress. He also talks with some of the other members a bit and we learn that Congress pays billions to keep Argus and the Justice League running. Which is why they want a little control. We also learn that Batman is a big two-faced lying hypocritical asshole who must be lying to Booster Gold if this comic book is to be believed.

All Batman has been doing is encouraging Booster and telling him the world needs the JLI. Is that supposed to be all bullshit simply because Batman doesn’t want to deal with the politics of working with differing nations? Because that’s not like Batman. If he really felt THIS way, he wouldn’t be acting the way he is with Booster in JLI. I mean, I agree with his Batman. But this is really just Geoff Johns fucking up Batman’s character to get a dig at Jurgens’ horrible comic.

After the Skye session ends awkwardly, Trevor’s assistant pokes her nose into his business. He confesses that he loves Wonder Woman and he’s already told her. So who knows where that’s going!

And finally, the guy who has been writing all of the books about the Justice League and Atlantis and other supernatural or paranormal events, David Graves, is revealed to be the man who stole the Orb of Ra. He also believes he knows how to defeat the Justice League and the key is Colonel Steve Trevor. Dun dun DUN!

The back-up story is about Shazam who is now called Shazam and not Captain Marvel. Seriously. It’s about time. That’s all anybody ever knew him by anyway! And it’s not like Marvel has a Captain DC. Unless they do! That’d be pretty cool.

It just sets up the story. Lots of people have been tested to be Shazam but it hasn’t taken. Dr. Sivana has been noticing these stories and believes some kind of magic is happening that he can use for his own ends. I wonder if he still has the tiny Mr. Mind in a jar in his lab? And Billy Batson is an asshole looking for a foster family. He acts nice but he’s a little punk. And that’s it. Just an introduction, really. But it looks like Shazam will be a continuous back-up feature in Justice League for the time being. I’m kind of looking forward to his.

Justice League Issue #7 Rating: No change. I like that the issue didn’t revolve around a big fight. A lot of background stuff involving Trevor and how the Justice League functions and pays for itself. But I can’t look past that bit where Batman throws the Justice League International under the Batbus when he’s been nothing but supportive of it and to Booster over in Justice League International. Poor character work there, Johns.