That’s not the real Catwoman. She knows how to work a zipper. Or maybe she doesn’t? Why is the pull tab on the zipper down at the bottom? I guess it opens from the belly button up in case somebody needs to do some emergency belly shots off of Selina’s stomach.
This cover is a Who’s Who of the worst comic books of The New 52! Granted, Green Arrow is finally being written to character. But before that, he was just another one of Ann Nocenti’s failures. Three of Ann Nocenti’s characters on the cover! I wish she’d write Hawkman as well.
Also, I thought Green Arrow didn’t make the cut? Is he going to just keep showing up until everybody believes he’s a member? Perhaps this takes place after he proves himself by taking down Komodo and having a slumber party in the desert with Magus.
I was going to scan Green Arrow pouting in the locker room and declaring that he was going to make a major comeback after being down and out for a year and a half but then I saw Stargirl’s public service announcement which set off one of my pet peeves.
Look, colorist Sonia Oback, I don’t give a fuck if you burn it, wave it, or wipe your ass with it. But how fucking hard is it to find a photo reference of the American flag so you can get the fucking color scheme right? Jesus H. Lincoln.
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I thought this was a nice reverse image of last issue’s cover. The surprise twist was merely Mera and Aquaman being subjugated.
I still don’t know who this new king of Atlantis is and Johns isn’t giving anything away on the cover! Is there a God of Ice? And does he resent rising world temperatures which don’t simply destroy his domain but hand it over to the King of the Seas? Before anyone understood the reason water turned to ice and ice turned to water, people must have believed a God was doing it, right? So that’s this guy on the cover! If I understand how Gods work, then Zeus and Thor and Yahweh are just names for scientific processes that are not yet understood. Oh, and also to get oppressed people to not mind being oppressed so much because there’s so much awesome sauce to be had in the afterlife.
This issue begins with Aquaman summoning a gigantic underwater flea named Topo that I’m sure was created in the Silver Age and was really super goofy.
Waking this thing doesn’t seem like Aquaman’s best idea.
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I thought these covers were supposed to be surprising.
The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn’t so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm’s comic book isn’t long for the shelves, so he joined. I don’t know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that’s useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.
Like you’d expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.
It’s nice to see Alfred grieving. I mean, it’s not enjoyable. It’s not giving me joy. It doesn’t turn me on or anything. Next I want to see him angry and punching Bruce in the face for risking kids’ lives.
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This must be Volthoom’s wet reality for Sinestro.
At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan was about to kill himself so he could become the greatest Black Lantern that ever didn’t live. But now he’s spending time gabbing with Tomar-Re because he seems to be having second thoughts. Which is odd for Hal Jordan since he so rarely ever has a first thought. I guess Pauline Fleming, the counselor at Westerburg High, really was serious that whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decision a person can make. At least Hal thinks so because he’s actually discussing it with Tomar-Re instead of barreling over the cliff and killing himself immediately.
Hal probably would have gone through with it immediately but Tomar-Re is a member of the Grey Lantern Corps which uses Doubt as their weapon. So now Hal is having second thoughts about killing himself to escape the Dead Zone. And outside of the Dead Zone, uses his new fake Green Lantern Ring to teleport away to look for Volthoom.
First off, that’s a totally inappropriate sound effect for teleportation. Second off, I didn’t think Green Lantern’s could teleport. Isn’t that just an Indigo power? Not that I haven’t done my own fanboy reasoning for why Green Lanterns should be able to teleport! I’m just trying to stick to the Lantern Corps Rules DC has made!
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Nobody likes me! Everybody hates me! Going to eat some woooor…Holy fuck who put a hook in this thing?!
Aquaman has become an emo sad sack because he has to live with the fact that he fucked his brother big time just to impress a handful of super land dwellers. The other land dwellers are now all afraid of him. His Atlantean guards don’t trust him. He’s just a big fat mess and the only people left that will talk to him are fish. I’ll move this comic book to Rank #1 and shove Batman down to #2 if it’s just twenty pages of Aquaman pouting on the ocean floor.
Instead of pouting, Aquaman and his aquamen have been traveling around the world confiscating Atlantean weapons from humans who purchased them in suspicious circumstances from a fence named Scavenger. I’m pretty sure Aquaman confiscated Atlantean technology legally owned by people as well since Atlantis doesn’t give a shit about Land Laws.
So Aquaman is going around attacking legitimate business people like the whalers from last issue and sketchy assholes all over the world because he feels he has a reason for doing so. Just like his brother had a reason for attacking the Land Nations because they attacked him. I think somebody is a gigantic hypocrite who owes his brother an apology and a nail file inside of a delicious crab-cake. I think Aquaman gets away with his attacks because most of the Atlantean technology has fallen into the hands of criminals. But what if another Land Nation got their hands on a bunch of the technology? Aquaman would feel justified attacking that nation to get the weapons back, right? And then he’d start another internoceanal incident.
I don’t think the rest of the world knows what he’s doing though because Aquaman stories always get buried way in the back of the newspapers.
Oh! Oh! I know what they say! “Joke. Stupid. Dumb. Ridiculous. Useless. Impotent. Fish fucker. Octopus diddler. Mollusk Molester. Bitch. Cunt. Did I say joke? Jerk. Poop head. Worst member of the Justice League ever. Dumb powers. Silly. Ugly costume. No reason for existing. Stupid piece of shit. Disappointing. Should I go on? Boring. Really boring. Super duper boring. Unimaginative. Waste of space. Douchebag. Crumb cake. Pool piddler. Way too interested in butt stuff with fish. Tarter sauce dumpster. One of the best comic books of The New 52. That’s about it.”
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I think deadend spoiled this issue when he said, “Cyborg handles all cell phone narrative bullshit. For everyone.” That has to be what this is about!
The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it’s time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I’ll get enough of that in the next comic book I’m going to read. If you’re really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be:
Batman Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I’m going to treat everyone as if they’re really dumb so that I don’t make them feel dumb. And that shouldn’t bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won’t even notice a difference.
Smart Reader: “Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what’s happening in the comic books I’m too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!”
Dumb Reader: “You’re right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!”
Tess Ate Chai Tea: “The phrase “Duty. Honor. Country.” always makes me giggle because all I hear is “Doody on her cunt” and then I crack up.”
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I believe Catwoman has Katana’s sword up her ass.
Now that we’ve gotten to know all about the members of the Justice League of America, it’s time to see them in action! And by “see them in action”, I mean punching each other in the face and bickering. I also wonder if Martian Manhunter has a Jones for Oreos in the Reboot.
Issue Two begins by making sure the reader remembers that the Justice League of America’s main reason for existence is to defeat the Justice League. And it begins with the Scarecrow locked in a chair. Are they going to get information from a bunch of villains that will help them defeat the Justice League? Because David Graves the cancer-ridden author already did that.
Oh yeah! I forgot it was the bad guys that were hunting down the Scarecrow, not the “good” guys! The mystery man with the cane is interviewing the Scarecrow. I wonder if Super Villains have a website like Linked In where they can tout their skills and attempt to get a sweet Legion of Doom gig.
Mr. Mystery is going to summon Cthulhu?
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How does Vibe even get into this position? I thought the main point of his power was it could vibrate Parademons into nonexistence.
Writing a little something every day is a superb way to track the fluctuations in your brain chemistry. The past week or so, I haven’t really felt like writing commentary on comic books but I keep at it because I don’t know how not to. The thing I dislike most about writing while in this mood is the way my manic thoughts seem dulled. The commentaries just don’t pop when my mind isn’t throwing five thoughts at me at once. It colors my reactions as well. I’ve been waiting all year for Morrison’s ultimate issue of Action Comics and I was barely able to plod through it, walking away four or five times while reading it. I really just want to crawl into bed and sleep.
Instead, I’m going to read a comic book about one of the worst comic book characters in DC History. And I don’t think giving him the power to get a headache when he’s near other-dimensional creatures is helping his reputation. Oh! Don’t forget his inability to be photographed. I have some family members that might actually pick that power as their answer when asked, “If you could have one super power, what would it be?” My first reaction is immortality but what good would that be without invulnerability! Just ask Koschei the Deathless! The Deathstroke version, not the Russian fairy tale version. Super speed would suck because you would constantly be waiting for everyone or everyone would constantly want you to run their errands. Although I might like the metabolism of a speedster. Flight would be fun but, again, I think I’d pass if invulnerability wasn’t thrown in as a freebie. I think the power I’d like is to make my farts smell like cows so that on road trips, I could fart in the car and everybody would roll the windows up.
Last issue, Vibe was tricked into joining Justice League of America and working for that lying prick, Amanda Waller. This issue, Detroit proves that it is indeed an inter-dimensional nexus.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody.
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The most powerful weapon in the universe and these chumps use it to make swords and flails.
Hal Jordan and Sinestro have been stuck inside The Black Hand’s Black Lantern Ring for a good space of time. That’s about as accurate as I can be since I really don’t know how much time has passed in the Green Lantern Verse since the Zero Issue. Or whenever they were sucked up. The issue before that? An Annual? Anyway, it’s been a long fucking time. And now Simon Baz has joined them. I think that means they’re counting on the cosmic squirrel to save their asses.
With Simon Baz now trapped inside The Black Hand’s ring, things look pretty bleak for Hal and Sinestro.
Oh Sinestro! You’re always so critical! If you’re so perfect, why the fuck are you in The Dead Zone too?
From what I’ve seen, Simon Baz utilizes the ring even better than Sinestro and he’s brand new at it. Once Sinestro sees what Simon Baz can do, he’ll take all of the credit and forget about the fact that Hal Jordan got his chocolate in Sinestro’s Power Ring even though it’s the combination of these two Green Lanterns that enabled the ring to pick a person more suited to the job than either of them alone.
Although you’ll never convince Sinestro of that fact. Or me, either, really. I never did like Hal Jordan.
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In this issue, Aquaman finds himself trapped with a kitten and a raccoon after he slips down a sewer grate in a big storm!
I’m seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I’ve been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I’m curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!
Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.
“The art in this issue wasn’t up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman’s motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though.”
That was some good writing practice! I think I’m ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It’s uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It’s a truly mediocre American novel.
This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.
Aquaman: “The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, ‘The Seven Seas.’ But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, ‘Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!’ And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, ‘Hey guys! There’s a whole other sea on the other side of the island!’ And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, ‘MIND. BLOWN.’
Aquaman: “But then more successful cultures were all, ‘What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!’ And then an even more successful culture went, ‘Oh? You think they’re the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term—’ And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, ‘Ocean.’”
Aquaman: “And then everybody’s minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+.”
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