Justice League #19

The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn’t so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm’s comic book isn’t long for the shelves, so he joined. I don’t know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that’s useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.

Like you’d expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.

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Justice League #17

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko’s beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg’s Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn’t care what happens to the humans; they’re just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they’d be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that’s Mera’s theory and I’d believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

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Justice League #16

This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we’ll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won’t be that universal because they’ll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won’t be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don’t think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.

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Justice League #15

I bet Batman is wondering how Aquaman’s lousy crossover made it into the pages of The Justice League but The Court of Owls and Death of the Family didn’t warrant any Justice League space. Sure, the Justice League fought some Talons on an airplane as Green Arrow begged them to let him join but the front cover didn’t tag the crossover so it didn’t count. I don’t think any other comic book wanted Aquaman, so Geoff Johns could only tell The Throne of Atlantis story in books he was writing. And Green Lantern is busy with its own shitty crossover (well, it’s not that shitty! I’m actually enjoying it except for the part where everyone should have stopped trusting the Guardians of the Universe twenty years ago) and besides, what good would Aquaman be in space?

The comic begins with a submarine accidentally launching nuclear missiles into the ocean floor in the middle of the Atlantic. It may or may not have been an act of sabotage and the missiles may or may not have hit Atlantis or an outlying Atlantean community or maybe it just blew a hole in The Trench to free the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. It’s a couple of pages of that semi-cinematic hogwash that Geoff Johns likes to write into his comics that wastes a lot of space. But after that, the story really kicks in as Clark Kent and Diana Prince get dressed after their Smallville fling.

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Aquaman #13

Aquadog is going to get one of The Relics and become a hero as well? I can’t wait!

Aquaman, you better get back to impressing me damn quick or I’m going to begin thinking up more jokes about you! I know, I know! It’s cool to think Aquaman is awesome. But have you noticed that everyone is trying just a little bit too hard to be a fan? Everyone is just a little bit too defensive. The underlying truth that you’re the most useless member of the Justice League can’t be erased by loudly shouting how amazing Aquaman is and photoshopping him defeating Cthulu. The one issue so far that focused on Mera was the best fucking episode of this title so far! It really should be about her since I like her powers better and I like her attitude better and I like her butt better. I also just think she has a more interesting story to tell. But I guess I’m stuck with you.

So impress me, Aquaman. Impress the fuck out of me.

The issue continues with Aquaman once again sending all of his friends away. They just want to help but he’s seen two of them die because of him and he’s had enough. It’s time for this rivalry with Black Manta to end.

I bet they kiss and make up.

Black Manta has Ya’wara’s teleportation orb, so Aquaman’s big moment where he confronts Black Manta alone never happens. Arthur heads back to The Others and they track Black Manta aboard The Operative’s airplane. On board, everyone gets all weepy and confessiony. Dr. Shin whines about it being his fault that he hired Black Manta so many years ago which resulted in Arthur’s father’s death. But Arthur acknowledges the doctor said his father’s heart attack was inevitable, so it wasn’t Black Manta’s fault. So Arthur whines that he’s to blame for everything since he killed Black Manta’s father by accident when he meant to kill Black Manta. But his friends point out that Black Manta’s father was a right old bastard that was wanted for murder, so it’s probably okay that Aquaman killed him. The whole situation is a gigantic clusterfuck that Aquaman and Black Manta have kept going for over five years now.

And not a very good one at that.

Eventually Black Manta’s teleporting stops in the middle of the ocean where he’s meeting with some Atlanteans in a giant ship shaped like a crawdad. They’re paying him for the return of the scepter and giving him control of the surface world once they take over everything. But Aquaman arrives in time to steal the scepter and kill the deal.

And it looks like Ocean Master, Aquaman’s brother Orm, is captain of the crawdad. But he’s not ready to confront Aquaman, especially now that Aquaman has the Scepter. Although he doesn’t have it for long. One of the Atlanteans has some kind of Spiderman web technology that he uses to grab the Scepter. As soon as he has it, Orm’s ship shuts down and sinks into the water, leaving Black Manta to kill Aquaman and his friends.

Or you know, vicey versy.

In the end, Aquaman risks his life to save all of his remaining friends and then doesn’t kill Black Manta when he has the chance. Oh, Aquaman. At least you could have been the Justice League member that kills his enemies. But I guess Wonder Woman already has that role.

When it’s all over, Aquaman questions whether it was Orm working with Black Manta or not. Is there any other villain from Atlantis that Aquaman would be dealing with? I have to stick with my assumption that it was Orm. By the way this issue ends, it’s possible the people behind retrieving the Scepter are simply trying to bring Arthur back to rule Atlantis. Perhaps its a group that wants to rid Atlantis of Orm’s rule. Whoever it is, they seem to think that Mera is going to stand in the way of getting Aquaman back on the throne. But that’s a story for next month.

Aquaman #13 Rating: No change. Although this series has had some of the best emotional moments, the overall plots haven’t really engaged me that much. Mera’s story was the best of the bunch so far. And The Others had a few issues that felt exciting but was ruined by other issues that spent many pages spinning its wheels and going nowhere. And the ending was a bit sloppy as well. Black Manta did all of this to earn some treasure and to rule the surface once Aquaman is out of the way (dead or underwater ruling Atlantis, I guess). But then when Aquaman defeated him, Black Manta readily called for Arthur to kill him. Seems to me like he got what he wanted and should have teleported out of there. I guess what he really wanted was to die by Aquaman’s hands. But he could do that anytime in anyway without some huge convoluted plot. Oh well. I guess Black Manta will be back in a few issues to try his hand at dying again.

Aquaman #0

Issue #0 takes place six years ago while Arthur’s father lies dying in the hospital. His father’s last wish is that Arthur find Atlantis, find his mother, and tell his mother that his father loved her. Which is what Arthur does after his father dies and the media begin hounding him to know more about his super powers. Too bad he didn’t just answer their questions. They would have quickly grown bored and wandered away.

Aquaman: “Yeah, I can breathe underwater. That comes in really handy in all sorts of situations.”
Reporter #1: “Wait. You actually breathe water like a fish? So you have gills?”
Aquaman: “No, no! My lungs are specially adapted to filter out….”
Reporter #2: “And you speak with fish?”
Aquaman: “Not in the way everyone seems to think I do. I sort of give them a telepathic push to make them think they want to do what I need them to do.”
Reporter #1: “So they don’t help you of their own free will?”
Aquaman: “They think it’s their own free will. So, really, what’s the difference? Besides, they’re only fish!”
Reporter #2: “Would your mother hate to hear you say that? What kind of fish was she?”
Aquaman: “No, no, no! My mom wasn’t a fish at all! She’s actually a….”
Reporter #3: “Aquaman! Aquaman! Can you speak with lobsters?!”
Aquaman: “Yes. Anything in the ocean.”
Reporter #3: “What if an elephant fell in the ocean? Could you speak with it?”
Reporter #1: “So you swim really fast and rape the minds of the denizens of the ocean? How do you plan on helping save the world with those powers?”
Aquaman: “Well, sir, the world is mostly made up of ocean so that’s a lot of….”
Reporter #2: “Yeah but how many banks are on the ocean floor?!”
All Reporters: *laughter*
Aquaman: “I’m also very fast and strong on land due to my Atlantean physiology!”
Reporter #1: “How come you don’t explode on the surface due to the difference in pressue?!”
Reporter #2: “If you’re only half-Atlantean, will you be crushed to death if you try to swim down to Atlantis?!”
Reporter #4: “Hey everyone! Superman has been sighted in town!”
Reporter #1: “Now THAT’S a story!”
All Reporters: *high five and high tail it into town*
Aquaman: “Fuck you all. No more interviews!”

After Aquaman dives into the ocean, he spends the next couple of pages swimming around in silence as the credits roll. He then spends a few pages battling a Great White Shark which he eventually defeats by simply telling it to go away with his Talks With Fishes power. And then he surfaces to seemingly take a breath. So maybe he can’t breathe underwater. Or maybe he hasn’t learned how yet because he and Mera swim pretty deep in that Trenches Storyline.

When Arthur surfaces, he notices a ship about to crash on the rocks.

The Lighthouse Keeper dies and all the boats immediately begin crashing.

When the people he saved are curious as to how he did what he did, he tells them his mother was the Queen of Atlantis. Being a sailor and sure to have heard a tale or two at all the salty taverns he frequents, the father has heard of a man that claims to have come from Atlantis. Maybe this man, Vulko, can help Arthur to find the lost city.

Arthur swims directly to Norway to speak with Vulko. I think Aquaman can eat plankton to survive these long swimming trips.

Well then. That was easy enough.

Turns out, Vulko was the adviser to the Queen. He’s able to tell Arthur everything that happened to the Queen beginning with when she met his father all the way to her death at the hands of Arthur’s half-brother, Orm. Orm now rules Atlantis. But Arthur is the rightful heir to the throne. Vulko gives Arthur a bunch of gifts and then they hit the road. Or whatever.

Vulko and King Arthur reach Atlantis and then the issue ends. I guess the story of his confrontation with his brother and his assuming the throne and his finally deciding to leave the stupid city are all tales for another month. But not next month since next month Aquaman needs to kick Black Manta’s stupid teeth in.

Aquaman #0 Rating: Fishy.

Justice League #12

Let me guess: Superman is possessed by the ghost of Steve Trevor? Or maybe it’s simply because Wonder Woman “loves everybody.” And if that’s the case, where’s the fucking queue?

Last issue’s commentary, I mentioned that I had 21 comic books left before I finally caught up. Having begun reading the New 52 at the end of December, I began with a backlog of 208 comics. I began with Justice League simply because it’s the first issue in the Big Book of Issue #1s. And now it’s the final issue I need to read before I’m caught up simply because it was released the last week of August! I’m finally going to be caught up!

Except for these stupid Annuals. I hate Annuals! They’re never any good.

So where were the Justice League? They’d managed to enter the Foyer of the Dead in their search for Graves. What they found were a bunch of ghosts from their pasts. Or in Cyborg’s case, the ghost of himself. Mindfuck!

This issue begins with David Graves telling someone (probably Steve Trevor’s sister) his philosophy on the Justice League.

Sheesh. I don’t even put my faith in a crosswalk when I’ve got the light! If it’s about your own survival, that shit is up to you. If you’re putting faith in other people to keep you alive, you aren’t going to be long for this world.

Actually, it turns out the Narration Boxes are Harvey and Charles discussing the situation on TMZ. I don’t buy it because it isn’t funny and they spend way too long talking about it and nobody asked Superman how often he masturbates. But the press apparently knows everything that’s going on because they saw some footage of the Justice League brawling in the streets. I’m sorry. Without a press conference and the AP putting out the story from the press conference, media outlets today have nothing to say. Although it is mostly speculation couched as truth, so that’s accurate. But now that the reader is caught up through this device, the action returns to Mount Sumeru and the Valley of Souls.

All the ghosts assume that each member of the Justice League is pursuing a life of super heroics because they want to avenge the face of the ghost speaking. It’s a pretty D-list ploy. Hal is so selfish that he doesn’t fall for it at all, knowing that he’s Green Lantern because it gets him the chicks and some respect. The others are all a bit mesmerized even when the stupid ghosts make the situation even sillier by suggesting that they all kill themselves to be with their loved ones.

While the Justice League succumb to the extreme feels of the land of the dead, David Graves walks amongst them gloating and blabbing his plan. He doesn’t plan to kill anybody. He just wants to release these “ghosts” all across the world so everyone can be happy to have their loved ones back. Except these ghosts are obviously imposters since there is no afterlife. Even Deadman isn’t Boston Brand! He’s just a big fucking faker! Too bad Mister Terrific wasn’t on this team. He’d be visited by his wife and he’d instantly know someone was fucking with him because she’s long dead, buddy. Although he could be visited by his son since I’m pretty sure his son is still alive and over on Earth 2!

Well, whatever nonsense is happening here, the Justice League seem to be buying it. I can’t say I have the emotional capacity to give a shit if this happened to me. I might think it’s cruel that someone was trying to trick me into believing that they’re my dead grandparents, but I wouldn’t get all weepy and happy and run off to kill myself to be with them. This Valley of Souls is the suckiest valley in the world.

The trick doesn’t last long enough for the Justice League to be defeated though. Because even though Hal Jordan told them it was a trick, nobody actually believed him until Steve Trevor shows up and shoots Graves in the shoulder.

The Justice League can defeat Darkseid but turn up the feels and they collapse in a pile of quivering crying super babies.

Once the illusion has slipped because Trevor (luckily!) escaped his bonds from the back room of the Valley of Souls, the Justice League feels okay beating up on the images of their dead family members. Then they all team up and fire their powers at Graves, shattering the creatures that were pretending to be his family and driving them away. The Justice League beat the cancer-ridden old writer! Blunt force trauma, heat vision, Green Lantern light, and white noise are no match for a well told story involving dead ancestors!

And, well, damn. That wraps up the action packed story about how the Justice League was nearly defeated by some decent research.

Later, Diana visits Steve Trevor in the hospital. She tells him the Justice League is getting a new liaison to deal with Washington. She doesn’t want to see him hurt so she pushes him away. Trite. Cliche. Contrived romantic tension. People don’t actually do that shit unless they really don’t ever want to see the other person again. So Wonder Woman had better not end up actually loving Steve Trevor or I’m going to jump out of a window. Um, it’ll be on the ground floor though, so don’t worry. How much do you think I’m actually invested in this comic book? Sheesh! I’ll forget all about this story as soon as I polybag it and throw it in a box!

The Justice League (minus Superman and Wonder Woman (They must be off making out in the sky now that Steve Trevor is out of the way)) discuss their new situation in the world now that David Graves has cast a negative light on them. Oh boy. This crap again. The world can’t trust the super heroes bullshit strikes again! So now they have to figure out what to do. Aquaman thinks he should become leader which instantly becomes the most ridiculous thing in the book so far! What are you going to do as leader? Get a crap team composed of Vibe, Vixen, and Gypsy together? Because that didn’t end in disaster!

Oh stop with the what ifs and the drama! You’re seven people lucky enough to have super powers. You can’t fucking save everyone! The problem with society is that everyone is trying to end sadness and death. Stop it. Just stop it! “Some people got cancer that may have been caused by something that we may have done that time we saved Earth! We can’t ever let anyone get cancer again!” “Oh no, someone was hit by a car while riding a bike! We can’t ever have a bike be hit by a car again and we have to write tons of legislation to stop it! And that legislation needs to have my name attached so it looks like I did some good shit when elections roll around again!” “Holy shit, I murdered my downstairs neighbor! I can’t allow anyone to move in downstairs again or else I’ll murder that fucking asshole too because I can’t stand the sound of him showering in the morning! Or maybe outlaw showering! That’ll keep me from killing again!”

Fuck. That caption got a little bit out of control there. Maybe that’s my super villain power! I give captions to photos word bloat!

And then Hal Jordan finally says something adult that makes sense. He’s so wise and smart and saying the things I was saying. What a hero!

Oh, let him quit. I’m pretty sure he’s going to die in Green Lantern Annual #1 anyway.

Later, Superman and Wonder Woman kiss. Superman is feeling lonely because Lois is fucking that douchebag reporter. And Wonder Woman is lonely because she just dumped Steve Trevor. And they’re both lonely because they don’t think they can truly be honest with anybody. Just wait until they get in a relationship! Do they actually think that’ll allow them to feel close and be honest and live carefree knowing they have a soulmate? They’re going to start lying to each other left and right! Unless Diana can’t lie with the lasso strapped to her waist.

Fine. Here they are kissing. Whee!

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Amanda Waller gives David Grave a typewriter and hires him to write a book called “How to Destroy the Justice League.” Technically, I think that means David Graves is now a member of the Suicide Squad.

Justice League #12 Rating: No change. I like that half of the comic was devoted to after the final battle with Graves which was pretty anti-climactic. But I didn’t like that a lot of the Justice League have a single digit Wisdom Statistic. They all need to grow up! I guess they’re all supposed to be in their twenties, so it makes sense that they argue about some of the stupid shit they argue about. And I’m still pissed that they came to blows with each other last issue. I don’t like a lot of things in comic books but heroes punching each other in the face because of a disagreement is the worst of the worst. Unless I said something else was worse than that somewhere else. Then that’s the worst!

Aquaman #12

This jerk was supposed to have been decapitated according to last issue’s cover.

It’s strange to see Aquaman working in team comics because he’s portrayed as such a quiet loner. It’s also weird to see Batman in teams as well but he loves pushing people around and flaunting his intelligence so much that he pushes his way into any team comic he can manage. Also, DC knows Batman sells titles. But Aquaman? Why did he join the Justice League? After helping defeat Darkseid and accidentally being a part of that conflict and part of the team, why did he stick around? What motivation led him to hang out with those guys? And how exactly did he pick up all of these Other guys, dragging them into his rivalry with Black Manta? How does a guy with Prisoner-of-War powers get involved with a deep sea expedition to recover ancient relics? Craigslist Atlantis?

The Others get in contact with Mera easily enough since they have the Operative on the team. She joins them by swimming across the ocean in a few seconds and then riding a water spout up into the Operative’s plane. From what I’ve seen of Mera’s powers, I’m beginning to think this series has the wrong character’s name on it. Mera is a fucking badass.

I have to agree with Ya’wara here. Aquaman has been acting like I’m used to Aquaman acting through all twelve issues. So he must have been different before he met Yoko Mera.

Vostok X and Prisoner of War argue about Arthur’s motivations as well. Vostok thinks Aquaman is protecting them. Prisoner-of-War thinks he doesn’t give a fuck about anything except killing Black Manta. I think Aquaman believes that The Others will louse up the whole revenge scenario by either killing Black Manta before he gets a chance or by pussing out and stopping him from killing Manta. It’s best if Arthur just goes in alone, controlling as many of the variables as he possibly can. He may care for these people in his own way. But he certainly cares more about getting revenge for his father’s death.

Meanwhile in the Tomb of the Dead King, Black Manta has uncovered the Scepter of the Dead King which somehow holds the key to humiliating Aquaman. I think it also holds the key to defeating Aquaman but Black Manta seems more keen on the humiliation part. On a ledge high up in the cave, Aquaman watches Dr. Shin refuse to help Black Manta. And even though Aquaman has harbored some intense hatred and blame for Dr. Shin concerning his father’s death, he finally sees that Dr. Shin has never meant him any harm. And he remembers a time when things were much easier.

“Go on, Arthur. Don’t mind that one Piranha in there. He’s cool.”

When Black Manta orders Shin killed, Arthur is forced into action and the final battle between Arthur and Black Manta begins. Or at least the final battle between them in this story arc. I hope. Issue #0 is next month so this is probably a good time to end this Others thing.

Arthur doesn’t really do much in this fight. He tries to throw Dr. Shin aside and then Black Manta smashes the hell out of everything with one blow of the scepter. Aquaman is pinned under a rock and Black Manta raises the scepter for the killing blow.

At this point, one has to wonder if Aquaman has finally met his match. Is he really going to be beheaded by Black Manta? Is there no one that can save him in this desperate hour of need? Oh, wait! I forgot the other people in the story that Aquaman couldn’t quite trust with his life. The guys he abandoned time after time. The guys who lived out the last few years of their lives in desperate pain, agony, and loneliness because Aquaman seemed to have been the one integral person in keeping this group of friends together. I guess they just didn’t have anything to talk about once he left. And in The New 52, making fun of Aquaman separates you from the cool, intelligent kids who have always liked Aquaman before it was cool. Otherwise their shared joy of making talks with fish riddles and deep sea knock knock jokes and what good is he on land or in space burns would have kept them together.

Vostok X: “I am so lonely all of the time. But at least I do not go on dates with lobsters!”
Kahini: “Do not feel lonely, Vostok. We are all your friends here. I see many, many years of good Aquaman jokes told together in our future. But I will not ruin the punch lines of any of them!”
Prisoner-of-War: “How many Aquamen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
Vostok X: “How many, Comrade?!”
Prisoner-of-War: “None because Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash, or Green Lantern have already changed it!”
Ya’wara: “One time when Aquaman and I were fucking the shit out of each other in a lagoon, he came so hard that all the dolphins in the area came at the exact same moment. The White Tide lasted for the better part of a week.”
Everyone Else: *blink* *blink* *gag*

Where was I? Oh yeah! Mera and the Others arrive just in time to save Aquaman’s life! Boo! Hiss! I mean, Hooray!

Speaking of a return to making fun of Aquaman! When I first began reading The New 52, Aquaman Shrine began following me on Twitter because I was saying how much I liked the book. But then a few months later when everyone was raving about Aquaman, I tweeted how I was going to be the first one back on the making fun of Aquaman wagon. And they stopped following me. Fuck you, Aquaman Shrine and your super love of Aquaman bordering on the creepy and perhaps bestial! I don’t need you! I don’t need anybody! I’m going to start making extra fun of Aquaman to balance out your love for him. The Universe demands it!

Apparently the fight against Black Manta and his men is so easy that Mera and Aquaman can have a deep discussion about their relationship during it.

Save it for the counseling session, you guys!

Aquaman still tries driving everyone away. But those assholes still won’t go! And because they won’t go, Arthur’s life is saved yet again by Vostok X when Vostok dives in front of Black Manta’s Scepter to block the blow aimed at Aquaman.

If only Justice League International could have made Rocket Red’s death half as meaningful.

Well, that just about ate up all the pages left in the comic! So I guess Arthur is going to have to chase Black Manta down yet again. But perhaps Black Manta will go into hiding for awhile. And how is Arthur going to deal with having friends in his life?

But then I turn to the last page which is really just a gigantic waste of space. Although it does tell me that Black Manta will not be going into hiding at all. He’ll get to dance with Aquaman in one more issue! Will he die this soon in The New 52? I highly doubt it. I imagine he’ll be maimed and near death but somehow slip away.

Seriously? A full page for this? I guess the bigger you make the hero’s face, the more serious they are about whatever it is they’re saying. Aquaman is super dead serious about this murder plan!

Aquaman #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of good stuff going on in this comic even though I felt like the narrative fell apart for a bit. The main problem with this comic is the amount of full page and double page spreads. Tone it down a bit and get more of that good dialogue shit in there! That’s what’s really making this comic work.

Aquaman #11

The Decapitation of Black Manta!

Last issue, we learned are ABCs very well. Good job, kids! Good job!

Six years ago, Aquaman and The Others discovered The Dead King of Atlantis’s tomb and his collection of Relics. Aquaman’s relic is his trident. I thought it was his belt buckle up until now. But Arthur doesn’t care about the astounding find. He just wants the items as bait to lure Black Manta to him.

I guess it finally worked years later! Good job! Except for the part where everyone is being killed by him.

So the Globe allows for teleportation. The Seal allows for translation. The Shackles create some kind of shield. The Trident shoots bolts, I think? That leaves the Operative’s relic and Vostok-X’s relic.

Black Manta has appeared in Dr. Shin’s lab. I thought he wanted the belt buckle. But it looks like he wants Dr. Shin and his notes. Perhaps Black Manta just wants to find Atlantis for himself. Specifically, he wants to find The Dead King’s Tomb because he thinks The Others missed a seventh artifact.

I think that story about Aquaman ditching The Others for the Justice League is exactly how I speculated it happened! Or, you know, very nearly. Minus the cell phones and text messages.

Aquaman abandons his needy, second-rate Justice League to confront Black Manta on his own. Since Aquaman won’t play with them, The Others decide to go get Mera to take his place. While they’re off gathering Mera, Aquaman watches Black Manta and Dr. Shin at the site of the Dead King’s Tomb. Dr. Shin refuses to betray Aquaman again. But Manta manages to find the seventh relic anyway: The Scepter of the Dead King. This relic apparently caused Atlantis to sink.

You’re losing me, Aquaman! And realize that if you lose my interest for just one or two issues, I’m immediately going back to making fun of you. You don’t think I didn’t prepare hundreds of stupid Aquaman jokes in preparation of reading your new series? Yeah! But your stupid series was so good, I didn’t get to use any of them. But you’re slipping! And I’m ready!

Aquaman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Black Manta did not get decapitated. The art was sub-par, especially for this comic book. The Others are a bunch of needy bitches rallying around a guy who doesn’t seem to care, although he insists that he does. And the plot just felt lackluster. At least it took Aquaman eleven issues before I remembered how boring Aquaman can be when handled poorly.

Aquaman #10

They begin the fight on the streets of Germany and end up in a storm at sea!

A is for Aquaman. Aquaman’s real name is Arthur. He faces adversity. Anons ask him questions that simply say, “Asseater.” Aquaman is angry at all the assholes. Aquaman is from Atlantis.

B is for Black Manta. Black Manta is a bad man and a bully. He is battling Aquaman because they have a blood feud. He has a big head. He thinks he can beat Aquaman but he should know better. Black Manta’s name is not on the cover of the comic book. Black Manta is a black man.

C is for Curry. Curry is the most delicious food on every continent. Curry looks like crap but it tastes delicious. It is also Aquaman’s last name. Aquaman Curry. No, no! It is his civilian last name! Arthur Curry!

D is for Dr. Shin. Dr. Shin is a dick. Dr. Shin had delusions of grandeur. But Aquaman’s Dad did not let Dr. Shin publish his scientific findings. Dr. Shin decided to draw blood from Aquaman. He determined Black Manta could do the job. That did not work out so well.

E is for Entertaining. Entertaining is something I never thought an Aquaman book would ever be. Not for all eternity. Except I was wrong.

F is for Fathers. Black Manta was at fault for Arthur’s father’s fatal heart attack. Aquaman mistakenly felled Black Manta’s father while trying to find Black Manta. They will never be friends. Now they must fight the blood feud because neither can forgive the other.

G is for Geoff Johns. Geoff Johns gets to do whatever he wants with Green Lantern. “DC is going to Reboot all the characters? Not Green Lantern, Goddammit!” Green Lantern’s story goes on without any history getting thrown out like gross garbage.

H is for Homework. Black Manta did lots of homework to find the hiding places of The Others. See The Operative hurl Manta’s homework in the air so he doesn’t get shot full of holes?

I is for I. Why does The Operative have an “I” on his forehead? I don’t know! Perhaps it has to do with his secret identity?

J is for Justice League. Just why did Aquaman join the Justice League? Did his jumping Great White Sharks justify his inclusion on the team? Green Lantern could have just made construct sharks instead of jerking around some real sharks who were just going about their shark business.

K is for Keeping Secrets. “S” could have simply been for secrets but I didn’t want “K” to be for Killing. And what else is “K” going to be for? KKK? Kicking? Kebabs? Aquaman kept secrets from Mera. His secrets were not about kangaroos or a Kickstarter project. His kept secret was about killing Black Manta’s father. Oh look! K is for Killing!

L is for Lust. I love looking at Mera’s luscious body. Look at those legs! Look at those lips! Look at the other things that don’t begin with “L”! Wouldn’t you like to get laid by that? I hope she’s not a lesbian!

M is for Mera. Mera is a married woman so maybe I shouldn’t have said those other things! Mera is learning that her man might not be everything she thought he was. “M” may also stand for Manta’s man parts which you can see in the panel above.

N is for Nothing.

O is for Operative. The Operative is an old man. He is also one of The Others, Aquaman’s non-Justice League team who were hunting down Black Manta after Dr. Shin hired him which he kept secret from Mera. The Operative was out investigating Black Manta’s operation to find out why Manta wants The Others’ relics.

P is for Prisoner of War. Prisoner of War was practically murdered by Black Manta for making prank phone calls. No, I’m putting you on. Prisoner of War puts on his pals dog tags to get special powers. But Black Manta wanted his shackles for nefarious purposes. Manta is keeping secrets too!

Q is for Quarrel. Black Manta and Aquaman are having a quarrel. It is not quaint nor quiet. It is quite violent. I hope it’s over quickly.

R is for Relics. Black Manta is hunting for The Others’ relics. He has already retrieved The Seer’s Seal of Clarity. Now he’s robbed Ya’wara of her Globe. Prisoner of War rebuked his efforts to take his Manacles. Now Black Manta has run off to Dr. Shin’s remote island to steal Aquaman’s rustic Atlantean Belt Buckle.

S is for Something.

T is for Telepathy. Aquaman can talk to sea creatures with his telepathy. Ya’wara can talk to land animals with her telepathy. Aquaman and Ya’wara can touch each others minds with their telepathy which makes Mera totally jealous.

U is for Underwater. None of this issue takes place underwater.

V is for Vostok-X. Vostok-X has not ventured from his home on the moon yet. So Vostok-X was very much absent this issue. He is not a vampire.

W is for Walls. The walls in the DC Universe are weak. When someone wants to walk somewhere, they usually just walk through a wall.

X is for Vostok-X. Yes, I exceeded the expected limit of one concept per letter. Eat excrement! Eee! Tex creme meant!

Y is for Ya’wara. Yippee! Ya’wara wears a bikini all year round. Yes! Yee haw!

Z is for Ziege. Since this battle takes place in Germany, “Z” is the German word for Goat. Don’t say I never taught you anything.

Aquaman #10 Rating: No change. Half of this comic was simply The Operative breaking into Black Manta’s hideout. If that half had been more like the second half, I could have raised Aquaman’s rank. Oh well. I’m a fickle bitch.