In Which I Spend A Brief Moment Discussing Bart Allen

At point five, we see he can pee at superspeed. And at the end, he has to guess a four digit code on the panel to open the way out. That means he’s got to guess from, assuming a pad with the digits 0-9, 10,000 possibilities.

This brings me to a problem with superspeed. Just because an outside observer would see him guess the combination within a few seconds, from his perspective, he’s got to manually enter thousands of combinations. Bart Allen is a total ADD spazoid who would never have the attention span to do this. Even at superspeed. Because from his perspective, it’s not really going super fast. He still has to experience the monotony of trying every single combination!

Teen Titans #19

Last issue was a steaming pile of maggots decaying under a hot desert sun, so it’s best if we just forget about it and concentrate on the good things in life. One of those good things is not having had to read Teen Titans for a full month. But that bliss is now at an end. It’s time to see what Trigon and Raven have in store, once more, for the Teen Titans.

The issue begins with Wonder Girl asking a very reasonable question in an extremely unreasonable way.

Tim Drake is a greater genius than me so I won’t question why he gives Cassie ten seconds before trying to get her death grip off of his throat. I’m pretty sure she’s strong enough to crush his neck into sloppy goo in a fraction of a second, so time is of the essence in removing her hand. Meanwhile Kid Flash ineffectively runs around Cassie groping her and hoping she’ll be too distracted to kill Red Robin. At least I assume he’s merely groping her because anybody with super speed should be able to do more than simply tickle her and tell her to stop it.

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Vibe #3

So Geoff Johns is already off Vibe. I realized he was only on the thing to give it a bit of a jump start and then he was going to move on to give a monthly title to the next big DC loser that nobody would ever want to see in a monthly title. Taking over for writing duties is Sterling Gates. The only other thing I’ve read by Gates is The New 52 Hawk and Dove which was just awful. Although Sterling Gates assured me it was meant to be that way.

The best way to show that a super hero is a really good super hero is to have him fight another really good super hero. They should have some kind of misunderstanding that could easily be talked out but instead comes to blows. The fight will either end in a draw when they realize they don’t actually have a problem with each other or when the super hero whose name is on the cover of the comic book beats the crap out of the other super hero. It looks like Kid Flash is about to get his ass handed to him.

The comic begins with Vibe patrolling Detroit because he feels it’s expected of him. It probably is because Amanda Waller and Agent Gunn are still listening to and spying on him through his high tech goggles. They’re concerned with his ability to keep his identity secret since he’s already told his brother and it looks like he’s about to tell his father as well. And since his brother Dante is going to eventually be a super villain, they have every right to be concerned. But mostly, Amanda just wants to test out his powers against a Speedster since the main reason he’s on the team is to defeat The Flash when the Justice League of America finally goes toe to toe with the Justice League.

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Teen Titans #18

Last issue, Red Robin had just introduced his Titans to their new headquarters on a boat in New York. Later that evening, he was possessed by Raven, fucked every member of his team, and then sat in his security monitor room laughing his ass off. I might have gotten some of that incorrect. But that’s okay because I’m just the guy reading the comic book. But the guy writing the comic book shouldn’t just drop all that stuff, right?

Fucking Scott Lobdell. I’m sure this issue begins in a dream since Tim Drake is crying while sitting in the Batmobile and dead Damian Wayne is telling him to stop being such a bitch. But even as a dream, it’s fucking ridiculous. It makes sense that Scott Lobdell can just crowbar this scene into his story since even he doesn’t know where any of his stories are going from month to month. So when he ended the issue with Raven taking over Tim Drake, he probably learned that Damian’s death would have to be dealt with in his next issue. While other writers already had stories that they probably had outlines for or had written much of when editorial forced them to shoe horn in a page or two mentioning Damian’s death, Scott Lobdell has the freedom to write as many pages as he wants dealing with Damian’s death because Lobdell probably didn’t have any notes for this issue except for “Raven comes to New York. Shit goes down.”

I’m not sure how or when Tim found out about Damian’s death since he was in Gotham when Damian died. Perhaps he was simply in denial as he traveled back up to New York and it wasn’t until Raven made him begin processing his feelings that he was able to have this hallucinatory conversation with Damian.

How many issues has it been where I said I hated Scott Lobdell’s writing? He’s the worst.

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Teen Titans #17

Why does Red Robin look so sad? It’s interesting that after all the tension and all the hype of Death of the Family, the only real thing that The Joker accomplished was hurting everybody’s feelings. What a twist! And now Red Robin has to deal with all of his feels. Except Raven is here to save the day! Suck out those emotions, Emo Girl!

Oh! Speaking of Raven, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT NEW COSTUME IS AWFUL! Oh geez. Sorry for yelling but I’ve been holding that in since my commentary on Teen Titans #16 where I lost a bet with myself and could only say nice things. Okay, I kind of complained about it as best I could in the parameters I gave myself. But seriously! That feathered face mask thing bugs the shit out of me. It’s a little bit reminiscent of her hood as the hood always came down to a point in the middle of her face. But it looks stupid. Or, to put it in more intellectual terms, it fills me with a ka-ka-doody feeling.

The issue begins with (possibly) Dr. Light sucking some kind of Light Bubble Power out of a young boy. Doctor Light seems awfully obsessed with showing children the “light and the way.” Wasn’t it revealed in the pages of the old Suicide Squad that he might have had a predilection for pedophilia? Or was that just some of the taunts he had to endure from other members since he fought the Teen Titans on so many occasions. Didn’t somebody somewhere suggest that he enjoyed being beaten by children? Was that it? Oh memory, you foul and mischievous imp.

Meanwhile the Teen Titans are enjoying an awkward limo ride back to New York from Gotham. It’s awkward because Red Robin’s Narration Boxes tell me it’s awkward. But it ends up not being so bad. Except when Bunker’s speech bubble says, “Como se yama?” Is that a thing? Do people often replace “llama” with “yama” in text so that it’s pronounced correctly? Maybe it’s one of those young things that I’m not hip to but Lobdell is. Another weird part is when Solstice tells Red Robin she thinks of him as a friend and he says, “That means more than you realize, Solstice.” But then he immediately follows up that reaction with a “Not really” Narration Box. What the fuck? Lobdell must make every moment ambiguous and full of attitude.

When they finally arrive in New York, Red Robin introduces them to their new home.

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Firestorm #17

From this cover, it looks like Firestorm’s biggest weakness is his aim. For some reason, I tend to think that Firestorm’s powers derive simply from his thinking what he wants done and it happens. But it looks like he first has to hit the thing he wants to transmute with his Nuclear Fisting Blasts. Which then makes me wonder how the fuck he took out Kid Flash first?! Bart Allen, you are truly horrible at your job.

Here are my wishes for this comic book:
1. Ronnie’s mom pulls some racist bullshit and pisses off Jason’s dad. Hopefully during anal sex.
2. Jason and Ronnie have at least one scene that can be read as if they’re in love.
3. Tim Drake loses his virginity. Doesn’t matter to whom.
4. Kid Flash is more entertaining written by Dan Jurgens than by Scott Lobdell (this is less a wish and more a certainty).
5. Solstice hits on Ronnie or Jason and is rebuffed.

The issue begins with Firestorm “fixing” Mt. Rushmore. I put fixing in quotes because he’s really just returning it to National Monument Normality. He should turn the faces into Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Black Lightning. Or maybe Max Lord, Amanda Waller, Niles Caulder, and leave Dr. Megala.

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Teen Titans #16

Someday I’d like to meet Scott Lobdell and have a beer with him. On that day, I’d apologize to him. I’d apologize for the fact that I was never, ever going to stop pointing out how badly he writes comic books. Of course there is a flip side to this promise! I also promise to never stop pointing out how well he writes comic books. Except that part has yet to happen so it seems like I’m completely biased against him. Now he has written a few good scenes but one or two scenes doesn’t constitute a comic book. I have a feeling Scott likes the idea of writing comic books more than he likes the act of writing. He probably likes coming up with characters and possible conflicts but then he doesn’t like having to write them in an interesting and believable way (I use believable in a very loose sense since I am talking about comic books here). Instead he writes a bunch of omniscient characters who seem to know how everything will turn out. But maybe this issue will be different!

If this issue doesn’t begin with Character X saying, “My name is Character X!”, I will comment on the comic book as if it’s the best thing I’ve ever read. I know that’s more of a Tom DeFalco thing but with Lobdell plotting and Nicieza doing dialogue, I have a feeling he might come through for me here.

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Red Hood and the Outlaws #16

Last issue I was slightly upset with Scott Lobdell’s writing. I guess I’m just not used to the meta-fiction he writes. I prefer my stories to “make sense” and have a “narrative structure” with a “coherent plot” and “motivated characters.” Instead I just get haphazard dialogue and inconsistent Narration Boxes shoved into a story that changes from page to page and lacks even a tenuous connection to logic. I think you have to be either very much smarter than me or very much dumber than me to enjoy his writing. And if you’re very much smarter than me, what the fuck are you doing wasting your time reading Scott Lobdell comic books? You should be curing medical conditions that someone with my limited intelligence can’t even spell. Actually, I might be able to spell them if I knew any actual medical conditions. Pemphagus. Nope. Can’t spell them since it’s apparently Pemphigus. But I don’t feel so bad since Spell Check doesn’t know how to spell it either! Ha ha! You’re stupid, Spell Check!

Jason Todd was captured by The Joker last issue except The Joker ended up with Red Hood. It makes sense if you squint your brain just right. Jason’s date, Isabel, died from a forced overdose by The Joker (just like The Joker did to Todd’s mom!) which was probably a good thing because she knew Red Hood’s identity and the whole issue in Death of the Family is the danger of random people knowing their identities. That was a close call, Lobdell! The next gigantic crossover could have dealt with Isabel realizing that Bruce Wayne was Batman and blabbing it all over Pinterest. Anyway, Jason Todd believed The Joker knew his identity because he was able to find him at Isabel’s house. But then The Joker revealed that he knew more about Jason Todd’s life than he should have known and Red Hood began to doubt The Joker knew anything at all. Again, you kind of have to tilt your brain a little to the right and squeeze your right hemisphere shut a bit until you feel like you’re about to pass out, and then blink rapidly and shake your head three times and you should see how it makes sense.

So by the end of Red Hood #15, Red Hood and Red Robin were stuck in a pit with The Joker laughing at them while Starfire and Roy Harper were playing Big Brother and Big Sister to the newer Teen Titans. And that’s probably where this comic book should begin but I’m not holding my breath. Unless that would help the story make sense?

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Teen Titans #15

This issue takes place some time between Teen Titans #14 and Red Hood and the Outlaws #15. At the end of Teen Titans #14, Red Robin had left New York to help Batman fight The Joker in Gotham. Solstice saw him leave of his own accord and that was that. Until later that night, they found a message from The Joker via a messed up Red Robin effigy in Tim Drake’s room. Now everyone believes Tim has been kidnapped by The Joker and Solstice doesn’t say anything. They rush off to Gotham to save Tim Drake.

Does this mean The Joker knows that Tim Drake is Red Robin? Yes, yes of course it does. Why else would it be in Tim Drake’s apartment? So while all of the other Death of the Family tie-ins kept telling the story in an ambiguous way so that the reader couldn’t be sure if The Joker was bluffing about knowing their identities or not, Scott Lobdell writes things that can only be explained if The Joker knows. So for Scott Lobdell’s sake, The Joker had better know!

Although, to play Devil’s Advocate with myself (the PG version!), the other Teen Titans don’t know that Red Robin is Tim Drake. Yet they have access to his penthouse which means that they could dig up who he is if they wanted. Which Tim Drake would never allow. So the Penthouse might actually be leased to Red Robin! Right? Maybe? Does that sound possible?

At the end of Red Hood and the Outlaws #15, Red Robin was unconscious and at the bottom of a hole in Gotham City. The other Titans were on the street battling Joker Thugs. So now this issue should fill in how they all got from over there to over there a little further.

Red Robin narrates the story from wherever the fuck he is (he probably was immediately kidnapped by The Joker because causality and Scott Lobdell have never met) and since he’s such a genius, he knows exactly how it will all go down. The Titans search his room and find Batgirl’s number. Check.
Wait. How the fuck does one get in contact with Batgirl without learning that she’s Barbara Gordon? She doesn’t have a Bat Signal? The Bat Family all have ways to communicate with one another but I can’t imagine that method is shared with anybody else ever. I bet Babs has a Batpager. Probably the only company still making Pagers is Waynetech. Anyway, they meet up with Batgirl in the city.

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Teen Titans #14

I want to know what the B Team is up to in New Jersey! Internet porn and refilling the ice bucket?

Superboy, Red Robin, and Wonder Girl have found themselves in a gigantic hole in the ground in Cambodia searching for Cassie’s lost Silent Armor which she never really wanted anyway. But dammit! That won’t keep her from retrieving it and putting it back on and demanding that nobody call her Wonder Girl! They’ve just discovered the cult of Trigon is somehow tied to the location where Cassie found the armor. And because his name has “Tri” in it, Tim Drake reveals that conspiracy theorists believe Trigon is the reason for all of the God Trinities ever.

And then Diesel shows up with his army of armor to defeat them. And then Cassie gets her hair pulled by one and somebody bloops. I don’t know what the sound effect “BLOOP” means in this context but Superboy yells Cassie’s name like it might be bad news. I think maybe she accidentally ingested some God Armor!

I take it back. I don’t care what the B Team is up to anymore.

No wait! I take back my take back! I want to see more of the C Team, if you know what I mean!

Does Solstice really need to shower? Isn’t she simply a steaming mass of sulfurous smell? Isn’t her body all cracked and smoking and smooth and lickable and voluptuous and nubile? Kurt Lance doesn’t seem to think so because he appears to her in a vision and tells her she’s making bad choices and if she weren’t making bad choices, she would look like a normal girl. I think he’s slut shaming!

Back in Cambodia, I guess the “BLOOP” noise was Cassie teleporting off to some secret inner sanctum with Diesel. He has all the power but she kept the lariat. She uses it to choke the life out of him for love. She gets her armor back and Diesel gets incorporated into her. I think. It’s all kind of boring and uninteresting. I really couldn’t be bothered to make any jokes. Even when they’re serving up meatballs like this:

I can’t wait until the day I find these characters interesting.

The entire team returns to Titans Tower which is actually Lex Towers. Wonder Girl’s boring origin story is finally over. I suppose Solstice’s boring origin story will be next. Or maybe we’ll get to learn about Bart and what year he’s from. Or maybe the team will actually stop a threat to humanity instead of being a threat to humanity.

Oh look! There’s the C Team! I guess Solstice wasn’t wearing the towel for modesty.

Finally, Solstice is visited by Kurt Lance again who says his super power is being able to tweak other people’s meta-gene. But he has to rush off because Black Canary is calling or something. The editor’s note says to see current issues of Birds of Prey but those don’t help at all. I guess the weird feeling Dinah has been having is somehow calling to Kurt. And then Red Robin rushes off to Gotham to fight the Joker. But the issue ends with a doll left in Red Robin’s room which leads everyone to believe Red Robin was kidnapped by the Joker. Even though he told Solstice he was leaving and she watched him go.

Also, Bunker decides to notice some looks passing between Cassie and Tim so that the reader can learn that Cassie might have feelings for Red Robin. Why not? She hates Superboy and she doesn’t trust Red Robin but she has to have a love interest for the fandom, right? And Kid Flash is boinking a sulfur pit. And Bunker seems to have a thing for himself. So everyone else is taken!

Teen Titans #14 Rating: No change. Mostly I was just bored while reading this. I’m pretty sure that comes through in my bland and rushed commentary. I just kept reading more and more without commenting hoping that something would spark my interest. The only thing that did was when Solstice was transformed into a human girl for a few seconds by Kurt Lance! And DC even managed to ruin that moment!

Was having her naked too risque for this comic book’s Teen Rating? It was better to have the colorist fudge up a purple body stocking?