Legion Lost #12

How come every time Tyroc punched a fellow Legion member it never made the cover? Fucking racist.

Last issue, Dawnstar was possessed by Alastor. That’s probably why she’s causing trouble on the cover. I believe the TSA Avengers had Chameleon Girl and Tyroc in custody but I could be wrong about that. The whole point of this blog was to catalog the happenings of each issue so that I could go back and refresh my memory before reading each new issue. But I keep failing at doing that because I’m busy making Wildfire penis jokes and calling employees of the TSA fat! Now, I might be generalizing a bit there. But every airport I’ve ever been in where I saw a TSA employee running down a concourse, he or she has always been huffing and puffing and turning bright red. I also don’t mind negatively generalizing a group of people who choose to work a job that’s turning travel into an obstacle course of bullshit. Listen up, Americans: I know you probably have a family to feed but every one of you needs to stop accepting jobs where you treat your fellow Americans like shit scraped off your shoe.

Speaking of shit scraped off of your shoe, all you kids who grew up in the nineties probably never really perfected the technique of getting dog shit out of the crevasses in your sneakers! I’m glad society finally shamed dog owners enough that most of them pick up after their snuggly widdle shitting wuv monkeys. But growing up in the seventies, every field was like traversing a battlefield full of land mines. Just about every outing, somebody stepped in dog shit. Usually it was my cousin Jason. It was so common, I’m surprised Atari didn’t make a video game about dodging dog poo for the 2600.

I feel like I haven’t doodled for one of my commentaries in a long while and I think I should start that up again. But not now. My pad and pen are in another room and I’m relaxing in bed with the air conditioner going and my cat, Pelafina, stretched out beside me. So instead I’m just going to read Legion Lost and avoid scanning as much as I can! Ha ha! Read words, loser!

Look! I scanned something immediately after saying I was going to avoid it! But it’s still just words! Ha ha!

This is the introduction to Issue #12. Reading it gave me a feeling that simulated drunkenness. Unless the grapes I just ate had fermented. It made me a little bit dizzy with its switch-up of pronouns in that sentence where it couldn’t decide if the subject was Tellus or Legion of Super-heroes. The picture following this narration box is just a gigantic close-up of Tellus’s fish face as he slams it against a wall. The name of this issue is “A Prophecy of Death!”

When I turn the page, I realize that Tellus wasn’t slamming his face into the wall for kicks. It was Dawnstar possessed by Alastor that was smashing him into the side of the building. That makes more sense!

One good thing about Alastor possessing the members of Legion is his ability to read their minds while inside of them. So he now knows that Dawnstar thinks Alastor was a pawn used to release the Hypertaxis Virus into the past. He doesn’t expound on her reasons for thinking this or who she thinks is using him. Maybe Harvest! But Alastor wants to know more! So he jumps into Tellus. Now maybe he’ll discover the prophecy that Tellus was hiding from everyone else that I think was explained in one issue but I forgot what it was! So tell us, Tellus!

I expected far worse results! I thought at least three members of the TSA Avengers would be killed and Legion Lost would never even have noticed they were being attacked by them!

Tyroc and Chameleon Girl escape their bonds. And by bonds I mean those hockey masks on their faces.

TSA Hawkeye: “Hey! TSA Captain America! How should we restrain these super heroes?”
TSA Captain America: “Put some fucking hockey masks on them!”
TSA Hulk: “TSA HULK HORNY!”
TSA Thor: “What the fuck are hockey masks going to do?”
TSA Captain America: “Justice is blind!”
TSA Hawkeye: “What the fuck? Is anybody listening to this guy?”
TSA HULK: “TSA HULK SMASHTURBATE!”
TSA Captain America: “Freedom isn’t free, you know. You have to pay the military and Homeland Security to keep everyone free!”
TSA Black Widow: “Bullshevik. The military doesn’t keep Americans free! The American people keep themselves free! Maybe if the military were actually keeping invaders from running amok within our borders, you could thank them for keeping us free. But while they’re just corporate tools running errands for the big wigs with the big bucks, the only thing they’re doing is subjugating innocent people who never wanted to be thrust in the middle of a war zone.”
TSA Captain America: “SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR FUCKING COMMIE MOUTH RIGHT NOW, YOU FOUL TEMPTRESS!”
TSA Hulk: “TSA Hulk sleepy now.”

I bet that dialogue would have been a good time for one of my doodles! Maybe I’ll draw the TSA Avengers later and turn it into wallpaper so that everyone can gaze lovingly at the TSA Avengers every time they start up their laptops.

“These creatures possess amazing abilities!” “But we put the hockey masks on them!”

Alastor as Tellus comes crashing down on the TSA Avengers taking them by surprise. While they run about trying not to get killed, TSA Captain America flip-flops into action! He knocks Alastor out of Tellus with a flying duck kick.

I don’t know what a flying duck kick is either but what would you call it?

Alastor decides that being in a giant telepathic frog beast that was just knocked unconscious is probably a liability so he moves over to TSA Captain America! Now the TSA Avengers are fighting amongst themselves too! While TSA Captain America has them busy, Chameleon Girl and Tyroc escape from the vehicle in which they were being held.

I really hate it when things explode inwards too!

Tellus uses his telepathic mumbo jumbo to call for reinforcements. Gates and Timber Wolf teleport into the battle so that Timber Wolf can be possessed by Alastor too! How is Alastor going to be stopped? Which one of them is willing to take a bullet while Alastor is inside them? And would that even work?

Meanwhile, Alastor has jumped into Chameleon Girl and learned her secret too! Some point during this comic, it would be nice if DeFalco would just fucking tell the reader what reasons each Legion member believes for their being back in the past. But instead, he’s just having Alastor jump from one to the next so that he can say, “Oh ho! This one has a secret too! Remember, dear reader?! TENSION!” Next he’ll need to jump into Tyroc because Tyroc had a secret as well.

I don’t even care what secrets they’re all hiding. At any moment, a new writer can replace DeFalco and they suddenly won’t have any secrets anyway!

Eventually Alastor tries to possess Wildfire but finds that he needs an organic host for his powers to work. Alastor enters Wildfire but is helpless. Wildfire flies him into the sun and dumps him there! One loose thread taken care of that DeFalco doesn’t have to worry about anymore! But as Alastor falls into the sun and (presumably) his death, he cries out that Legion will never be free of Echo.

Echo was explained previously. They were some kind of Internal Affairs for the Science Police or something. They would mindwipe convicts and send them into the past. Oh, that sounds like a safe way to dispose of criminals! Send them into the past to fuck up the timeline and create paradoxes to destroy the universe! At the very least, they’re just dumping their trash in somebody else’s timeline. Jerks.

So all of the secrets Alastor learned are taken with him into the sun. Of course! DeFalco’s going to try to get as much mileage as he can out of these stupid secrets by constantly reminding the readers that Legion is full of secrets but he’ll just never share any of them. A better writer would let the secret be known and cause the tension and drama through the reader’s knowledge of what the Legion member is secretly up to rather than pretending they all have a really important secret that means something to someone and may cause something to happen somewhere.

Afterward, the TSA Avengers try to arrest Legion. But TSA Captain America learned all about them while he was possessed by Alastor. He suggests that they should be left alone because they’re good people composed of different races and social types that generally get along (while not having to be in heaven). And to prove that he really means what he says, he removes his helmet for a single panel.

“Gives a black man entrusted with leading Homeland Security’s super powered team real hope that someday a super team in the future can be led by a black man. I mean, without the rest of the team talking shit behind his back!”

Gates teleports Legion away before the discussion can get violent again. Once they’re all alone and everything is calm, they decide they won’t talk about Alastor and his accusations right now. Oh, of course not! This comic book is the equivalent of the Local News continually teasing a story you won’t believe involving kittens and then waiting until the last thirty seconds of the news to air the story.

Legion Lost #12 Rating: No change. Also no secrets. I don’t even believe DeFalco has any idea what each members’ secret is. “I’ll just think of something eventually. And it’ll be pretty cool probably when I do! Until then, I can ride this thing where they all have secrets for a good six or seven issues!”

Legion of Super-heroes #11

I just can’t imagine ever enjoying this super group no matter how well written they are.

I apologize to all of the Legion of Super-hero fans out there because I just can’t comment on this title without being completely biased. I think you really need to have some kind of history with this group to enjoy it. This cover with Comet Girl freaked out making a last stand probably fills Legion fans full of feels. But all I can think is, “Is she naked?”

Judging by the cover (and last issue’s cover which showed the rescuers captured as well (and about to be inseminated by a Dominator turkey baster)), the rescue mission isn’t going to go so well. But maybe Comet Girl, whom everybody seems to find annoying, will prove she’s not simply a spastic sex monkey and rescue them all! Do I even need to read the comic? The cover is telling me everything I need to know!

The Ex-Legionnaires disguise themselves as an erratic comet exploding in the skies of Dominion. The Dominators are easily fooled since most comets that punch into their planet’s surface do so on a weaving, drunken trajectory.

Here we are! Here we come! Lead us, Thom Kallor! Lead us!

Oh! I know what the plan is! Bouncing Boy will inflate to a gigantic size and begin rolling around the planet. Star Boy will increase Chuck’s mass so that his gravitational pull causes everything to stick to him!

“We are moved to tears by the size of Chuck’s thing!”

If Katamari isn’t their plan, they’d better think up one quickly. The Dominators have decided the prisoners have been held in their cell long enough and are ready to turn them into DNA protein shakes for their experimental creations.

Uh oh! Here come the Spooge Sticks!

Dream Girl must have dreamed a dream about the Dominator trying to shove a Spooge Stick into her belly (or wherever Spooge Sticks go. A stork, maybe?). So she knew it was coming! That’s a pun!

The space cavalry breaks through the roof and subdues all of the Dominator guards. It looks like the rescue is going to be successful! I don’t know what that cover was talking about! So stupid! And why did they call this issue “Betrayal”? Nobody’s been betrayed! Everything worked out perfectly! And in half as many pages as usual!

I suspect the last ten pages will be Legion enjoying each others’ company on the flight back to Earth, sipping tea and reminiscing. It will be very relaxing and allow me some time to get to know the characters. Maybe I’ll find out that I have a lot in common with Star Boy! Or that Dream Girl thinks Earl Grey tastes like Fruity Pebbles too! Maybe they’ll discuss how Alice in Wonderland is an analogy of a girl becoming a woman and how the entire episode takes place during, and is a metaphor for, Alice’s first menstruation. Perhaps they’ll all laugh about how nobody on the internet is reading this commentary because the only people reading Legion of Super-heroes are super fans of the group and probably hate the inappropriate prejudice in my writing voice.

Or maybe somebody will be betrayed and they’ll all get caught!

Surprise! The betrayer was the one still standing on the cover! No, seriously! I’m surprised!

Comet Queen blasts Brainiac in the middle of battle but I don’t think she did it because she’s working for the Dominators. Cosmic Boy mentioned earlier in the comic that one of the rescue team was recovering from a mind-wipe, whatever that is. Perhaps that was Comet Queen and she also had some supplanted suggestions as well. It’s MK Ultra still going strong in the 31st Century! Fans of the book probably know what’s going on with Comet Queen and who she means by someone who really, really doesn’t like Brainiac 5. But since the mind-wipe and the person not liking Brainiac are all part of Pre-New 52 history, I have no idea what’s going on.

The point being: the Dominators catch them all! They suspect no message got out but something has to happen for the other Legionnaires to get the proof they need to attack the Dominator’s home-world and rescue their compatriots. Or maybe Comet Queen will escape and do the warning part herself.

Legion of Super-heroes #11 Rating: No change. It’s just a matter of time before I become a fan of these goofballs too, right? How many issues does that take? My guess is fifty.

Legion Lost #11

The Meta-Marines are the super hero equivalent of the TSA.

Last issue Timber Wolf was shot multiple times in the chest by xXsNiPeR69Xx or Gunner as she’s boringly called in this comic book. And since he’s a poor man’s Wolverine, he’ll be okay, right? He can regenerate, correct?

Brin is a dumb name. CLINT is so much cooler! Especially when the ink runs!

Chameleon Girl is a little bit upset that Timber Wolf was shot, so she transforms into an Ogre Magi and storms Homeland Security’s Metamarines. I don’t know if “Metamarine” is supposed to be hyphenated like on the cover of the comic or not hyphenated like how it appears inside the issue. I think I have to go with the historical non-veracity of the covers and not hyphenate it. Or maybe I’ll just call them “The TSA Avengers” from now on.

“That’s ‘Love how you employ your shield magnetic grappling hooks as offensive weapons, SIR!’”

After Chameleon Girl is knocked out by Fat TSA Captain America with his marshmallows on sticks, she reverts back to her proper antenna girl form. The TSA Avengers stand around saluting and saying the pledge of allegiance and high fiving and drinking American brewskis when Tyroc appears on the roof to scold them. But he should know better! Nobody fucks with Fat TSA Captain America!

That’s racist!

Meanwhile, Oz and Tellus and Gates and Wildfire and Dawnstar rush Timber Wolf to a free clinic where they treat the poor, the uninsured, and the illegal. All the people that The TSA Avengers can’t stand! Fucking anti-American assholes! If you loved America, you wouldn’t be poor, fucker! Get a job!

Apparently they treat werewolves as well! So Timber Wolf is in good hands.

Meanwhile in Antarctica (unless The Culling really did take places in the Arctic (which it didn’t even though Lobdell is an idiot and had it taking place in both places)), Dawnfire and Wildstar are busy searching for clues to where Harvest may have gone. But they don’t find anything but drama! Goddamned drama followed them all the way back from the 31st Century! You’d think the 21st Century’s drama wouldn’t affect them. They’d be all, “These 21st Century emotions are so tame in comparison to our 31st Century Mega-emotions!” But no!

Bah! I just came up with cute nicknames for them! Now I have to change it to Dawn Wolf and Timber Star!

Back on the roof with The TSA Avengers, Fat TSA Captain America acts racist and fascist. Is that update enough on that scene? Oh, also picture the American Flag waving behind him. Okay, maybe a few more details. He beats on Tyroc and Chameleon Girl with his marshmallow stick while denigrating them for not being human. What an asshole!

DeFalco continues with the Wildfire/Dawnstar/Timber Wolf drama when they all get back to the hospital by Wolf’s bed. It’s really sad. Not the drama! The writing! For the first eleven issues (with DeFalco isn’t totally responsible for), Dawnstar and Wildfire are supposedly in some great loving romance of the ages. And now it’s instantly falling apart because Dawnstar seems attracted to Timber Wolf. I can’t care that Wildfire is heartbroken because his relationship with Dawnstar was never more than a few narration boxes here and there stating how they loved each other. They have had next to no interaction throughout this comic. It’s laughable to think that this drama is supposed to tug at the reader’s emotions. Plus, Timber Wolf actually has a penis while Wildfire just has roiling dark energy between his other roiling dark energy.

That’s what I just said! No penis!

Dawnstar and Tellus go flying about looking for Alastor again. Perhaps DeFalco felt bad about ditching that whole story arc. Or he probably had a different idea and needed to bring Alastor back so he can possess Dawnstar which is what happens at the end of this comic. But besides the Tyroc’s prophecy and Chameleon Girl’s secret and Tellus’s revelation that I can’t remember, now Timber Wolf thinks that the members of Legion Lost have had their minds wiped and were sent back into the past as punishment for something they did in the future. Which would mean one of them is a member of the Science Police’s Echo Team! So many mysteries upon mysteries and drama within drama and tragedy upon tragedy.

Legion Lost #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I’m not sure there’s actually a story here. The members just go from one fight to the next while each one continues to think about their own agenda which never gets fully explained. Tom Defalco writes like he’s playing catch with his dog but he never actually throws the ball. The dog (you know, the reader) just keeps chasing phantom tennis balls (you know, plot lines! Try to keep up!) out of the park (the comic book!) and running into traffic (better comic books?) where he can get hit by a bus (Grant Morrison) and realize that his owner (Defalco!) is a fucking dick (bad writer!).

Legion of Super-heroes #9

This cover is getting scarily close to being Hentai.

Last issue, some future stuff was happening in the future and some story lines from before the Reboot were affecting a storyline that takes place after the Reboot. A whole shitload of characters were doing things and having plots and experiencing conflicts and then another whole shitload of characters did some stuff as well. It was all very exciting for fans of the Legion of Super-heroes and all very dull for people who are fans of good comic book characters.

That last sentence has given me the courage to do something I should have done a long time ago: bring all of my bias and loathing for this comic book into my commentaries! If you thought I’d been unfair to this comic in past commentaries, just wait until you see how many times I can call Brainiac 5 a cunt in this commentary! I finally can’t wait to read Legion of Super-heroes! Join me on my venomous journey, won’t you?

This issue beings with the Legionnaires’ DVR Repairbug explaining to Brainiac 5 why all of his unwatched episodes of Happy Days were deleted.

“NO! I’ve yet to see the second part of Fonzi’s motorcycle jump over the fucking barrels, you stupid chitin-face!”

Brainiac 5’s superpower is described as “12th Level Super-Intelligence.” Can I get a fuck on what that means? What do I compare this to? Is he smarter than everyone who doesn’t have any kind of super-intelligence? Which is probably very nearly every person in the universe. But then he’s also 12th Level! I guess that’s impressive because the rating probably should only go to 10. Or is it kind of sucky because it’s out of 100? I think it just means every other word out of his mouth is techno-blather.

Of course you refuse to accept the past is closed to you! All the Legion has ever done is mucked up and fucked up time! How are they going to be relevant to the rest of the DCnU if they can’t interact with it?

I hate the way time travel was dealt with in Legion Lost and even though that was a different writer, I think I’m allowed to hate this comic book for the way it wants to deal with time travel! Flashpoint bent the timestream over the toilet and fucked it five ways to the 31st century. It’s broken and crying in the corner now, Brainiac. But don’t give up, I guess. The editors and writers will soon become tired of the not fucking with time rule and they’ll allow you back to the past eventually. So pout away, cunt.

While Cuntface 5 proves his intelligence by saying things like “rebalance the photon ward cycle,” Dream Tits appears because she’s prognosticated a prognostication!

Wow! What amazing powers of farsight, Dream Girl! You “felt” “something” would “happen”! By the way, you got a little Chicken and Stars on your face there.

The something important that happens happens just a few seconds after Dream Girl arrives. Two aliens with horrible language skills portal into the room and attack. Harmonia, who just showed a few issues ago that she was an amazing bad-ass, gets knocked unconscious immediately. I suppose it takes her a minute or two to warm up her powers. Which is weird since every other Legionnaire seems to be able to do complex physics and chemistry with their powers in a heartbeat. Brainiac is blasted by some electric spit or something. Who can fucking tell? But Dream Girl apparently saw the future and knew where the alien was going to be so she could kick it in the face. Or maybe she’s a Level 11 Kickmaster.

Meanwhile on the prison planet of Tahron-Galtos, Mon-el has teamed up with Gravity Kid of the Science Police! What could they be up to? Who the fuck knows since I don’t know anything about the Legion of Super-heroes! But let me explain it anyway! Validus (who?) still remains locked up even though the Saturn Queen (WTF?) didn’t free him. She probably didn’t think her telepathy could control him (that’s not how you use telepathy!) but someone with the abilities of Tharok (Hunh?) could control Validus (still no idea!). And since someone is recreating the Fatal Five (oh fuck should I be worried who the fuck are they that doesn’t sound good)…. Well, Mon-el never finishes his thought so I still don’t know if I should be worried.

He has an impossible biology. That means he can’t be alive. So stop worrying about him! He’s non-existent!

Back at Metropolis University where Cunt Cunt 5 and Dream Boobs were annoying me with their future problems, Harmonia apparently wasn’t knocked out. My error. She does turn out to be a bad-ass since she kicks butt on the rocky alien that attacked her. But while she’s doing that, Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl lose their fight and are taken back through the alien’s portal. Just like it showed on the cover! Lately, the covers have all been very accurate! Some even too accurate! Like Wonder Woman #9 which pretty much showed the big twist ending (that was a pun because it showed a noose!).

Ultra Boy shows up to help Harmonia defeat the rock guy. And I guess Ultra Boy is like Harmonia in that his powers aren’t instantaneous like how Catalyst Kid can somehow change the chemistry inside people’s bodies without having to see anything or do anything except know the possible chemistry of the situation. Ultra Boy breaks his knuckles by not changing his power from invulnerability to super strength at the right time. But once the alien’s defeated, it melts into a pile of goo and the portal closes. The Legion now have no idea where Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl have been taken. Who else but those two can tell? I’m sure there is a Legion member with the singular ability to know where every person in the universe currently is located. Also, I know I’m supposed to be hating on this comic, but Harmonia is kind of hot.

I find girls with no faces super attractive!

Dys, the creature that kidnapped Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl, returns to the home world of the Dominators with his captors. Dys can disable technology with his powers which probably means he’ll be tricked by Brainiac 5 at some point to fuck up the Dominator’s technology. The Dominators were after Brainiac and his smarts for some reason. Dream Girl was just an extra piece of ass to show off to Dys’s superiors.

The Legionnaires analyze the glop left over from the alien melting itself and realize it has the same amino acids as the Dominator’s food. So Brainiac 5 was just defeated by Dominator Sloppy Joe? Now who’s the smartest person in the universe? The Legion believe the Dominators are behind the kidnapping and Cosmic Boy gets them ready to attack the Dominator’s homeworld. But the Earth Government won’t allow them to break the treaty with the aliens until they gather more evidence. This pisses off Dream Girl’s boyfriend, crippled Star Guy, and he quits to go rescue them himself. I guess he’s going to power up his cosmic Rascal scooter and putter off to Planet Dominator.

Legion of Super-heroes #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I’m not giving it a negative ranking because I’ve decided to hate it for no reason. I’m giving it a negative ranking because it’s so damned hard to follow! It’s a lot like Green Lantern in that the Reboot didn’t really do anything to the storyline being told. The only thing it did was stop everyone from time traveling. So as a new reader, it’s nearly incomprehensible.

Legion Lost #5

Why must she fight alone? Did Telefish bugger out?

This issue is narrated by the telepathic fish guy. I think his name is Tellus. He and Dawnstar were left facing three giant Alastors at the end of last issue. Now, Tellus sees only one chance left to defeat Alastor. Dawnstar says she can see 73 ways to deal with Alastor. But most of hers involve running away at different speeds. Tellus suggests he go deep into Alastor’s mind and convince Alastor to knock it the fuck off. Right now! But he needs Dawnstar to distract him while he does his mind mumbo jumbo.

Just like the cover, her costumes cleavage straps are missing.

See? That’s what she should look like.

Pete Woods did the cover and the interior art and I guess he can’t decide whether Dawnstar should have boob straps or not.

Most of the comic, Tellus is supposed to be telepathically working at convincing Alastor to stop his rampage. But mostly Tellus just narrates Dawnstar’s actions as she distracts Alastor’s three halves. Um, thirds!

When Tellus finally does do more than narrate the physical fight, we get yet another recollection of the story leading up to this story. Alastor worked on some mining colony to make enough money to enable his sister to go to college on Earth. But Xenophobic riots ended up killing her (supposedly) and Alastor went off the deep end. On his way to Earth, he met up with a Psion Geneticist who invented the Hypertaxis Pathogen which he tried to release on Earth in the 31st Century. The Legion of Super-heroes stopped him. So he went back in time and this comic book started.

I hope by issue six, they’re done retelling parts of that tale! I think we’ve got it pretty near figured out now.

Tellus ends up stopping Alastor by pointing out that by releasing the pathogen on Earthlings, the future Earthlings are going to all be mixed alien races. Thus they won’t be xenophobic ever because the Hypertaxis Pathogen will “eliminate the barriers of skin color, religion or geography.” Um, okay. But it won’t eliminate the barriers between everybody having different alien DNA! So they’ll still have shit to fight over, you big dumb fish.

But who cares? Because Tellus didn’t need to convince me! He just needed to convince Alastor. And Alastor is dumb so he ends his rampage and passes out. Now they just need to figure out what to do with him. Perhaps they’ll learn some answers.

Oh yeah. Gates is still alive. Surprise?

Hopefully Martian Manhunter and Stormwatch will kill this comic dead.

I don’t know how to judge this comic book. Is it really boring? Are there people out there who love the Legion of Super-heroes so much that this stuff is entertaining? It might even be a decent story. But I think The Legion of Super-heroes interests me the least of any super hero comic idea ever.

Reading this comic is like dating a Mormon. See? That statement is ambiguous enough! If you like dating Mormons, this comic book is for you! If you don’t, don’t bother! I’m not saying I’m better because Mormons, I mean, this comic doesn’t interest me. I’m just saying I don’t know how to put it into context and decide whether it’s a decent comic book or not. And even more confusing, I’m going to go read Legion of Super-heroes #5 right now and not be entertained during that either.

Legion Lost #4

But found by who? Charles Widmore?

This issue is from Dawnstar’s point of view. She’s currently in Earth orbit trying to track down Doctor Scanlon and other Hypersapiens. Hypersapien just sounds like another name for Toddler, like Ankle Biter and Mommy’s Little Accident.

Tellus, the telepath, has also sensed another threat to Legion in his search for Hypersapiens. An organization that is keeping an eye on weirdos and cosmic threats and is probably behind the guns on the cover of this issue.

You can tell they’re high tech by the free-floating computer screens. I hate that sci-fi trope. We’ll have flying cars before those stupid useless things!

Thinking about future technology and how it changes storytelling had me thinking about the iPad. More so than smart phones (even though they essentially can do the same things), the iPad (and its like. I use iPad in the same way we use the term ‘Kleenex’ and ‘Dumpster) will take the place of the Information Techie Character (like Wade Load from Kim Possible. I had to look up his last name. Man, that’s insulting!) that is always sitting alone in some room doling out information to teams via their earpieces as he looks up data and monitors security cameras. Now that guy can be part of the on-site team monitoring his iPad! It’s not as critical a change in storytelling as cell phones made but it’s an interesting development. Can you imagine trying to do X-Files before cell phones? Try watching the television series Wiseguy now and laugh how he has to constantly find a fucking payphone to call Lifeguard. Although having a cell phone while deep undercover is probably a liability, so he’d probably have to do that anyway.

But floating intangible computer monitors are all just stupid big budget movie eye candy crap. I don’t want to be able to see through the thing I’m looking at being distracted by interns walking past my Youtube video I’m trying to watch! If people are trying to develop that technology, just stop. Stop right now and get back to the flying car so we can have lots and lots and lots of mid-air pile-ups!

What I’m learning from Dawnstar’s narration is that she’s boring. Worst date ever. She’d have trouble deciding on an item from the menu because she’d want it to be the perfect thing in the context of the environment and circumstances. But she’d also worry about what others might think of her choice. And then she’d second guess herself the whole time she’s eating it because she has to be perfect but doesn’t have the confidence to act. And forget anything happening after the meal!

Dawnstar claims she has the same confidence as the other members of the team but I don’t see it. If she did, she wouldn’t beat herself up when a decision she made didn’t turn out exactly how she’d expected. And that’s the problem. She expects the best. The others hope for the best. When they don’t get it, they try again or learn. Dawnstar acts as if she won’t even try if she can’t be assured of getting it right.

But you know, if they’re setting up this attitude in the Narration Boxes early in this issue, I bet she does something unexpected and crazy and risky by the end!

See?! Even Wildfire is foreshadowing her coming irrationality! I think that’s Wildfire speaking. He’s so tiny!

Timber Wolf and Wildfire and the other guy eventually track down the Hypersapien that is part Chameleon Girl. But when they find her, she’s sleeping with a dart in her back. Not a pub dart but a tranquilizer dart! She’s been taken down by the…

Haven’t I seen these guys before? What comic book was that? Oh yeah! Dungeon Module S2—White Plume Mountain!

The Black Razors? Really. I’m reading too many comic books because I’m pretty sure these guys made an appearance in another comic. Was it Grifter or Voodoo? Checking with the internet, it tells me it was Voodoo! It’s these kinds of things I’m supposed to be remembering from month to month! I’m glad to see some of it is sticking. But the blog is to fill the gaps in my memory so that when it’s time to read Voodoo #5, I’ll reread the past blogs for a quick refresher before reading the next issue. Much better than relying on my stupid brain! Although I have to wade through all the lies I made up and all the photoshopped images I created to figure out what actually happened. Stupid whimsicle entries.

Dawnstar and Telepathic Space Fish finally track down Alastor. And Dawnstar actually acts instead of thinking about it for three hours.

Which results in…

Whoops! That’s Alastor. And Alastor. And Alastor.

I’m a bit bored by this comic. I just don’t care about the characters at all! Apparently Dawnstar and Wildfire have some sort of romantic thing going on but it hasn’t been shown in any way at all. It’s just been mentioned off-hand how he can’t touch her because he’s pure energy. And the big telepathic fish thing just speaks staccato sentences. And Timber Wolf runs amok and does whatever he wants. And I don’t even know the name of the other guy who flies via sound waves! But at least this comic book only has five or six characters I don’t care about. Now I’m about to go read Legion of Super-Heroes which has an infinite amount of Lads, Boys, Kids, and Girls I couldn’t give a fuck about!

Legion Lost #3

Red Rage is another human infected with the pathogen. Duh.

Issue #3 is narrated by Timber Wolf. Or Lone Wolf. This isn’t a surprise because he’s been full of anger throughout the last two comics and now this one is called Red Rage. Even now, he’s thinking about being angry and how he would love to take it out on someone.

Their headquarters is a Westward Ho motel.

Let’s reexamine the Time Bubble explosion from the first issue. After it exploded, Timber Wolf said that he could smell (or taste. Ew) the DNA of Gates and Chameleon Girl who disappeared in the disaster. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re dead! Maybe just one ear was blown off or a thumb or perhaps they both simply lost all of their hair. My guess is that they gated away somewhere far away, with Alastor, and now can’t get back to Red Lake Falls. Perhaps Gate was severely injured. Or maybe Alastor is keeping them hostage. Or maybe, since the explosion was in a Time Bubble, they just all ended up in another time. I’m pretty sure it’s one of those things and that they’re not actually dead.

Timber Wolf is not content to stay in the motel. The others have projects they can work on while inside but Timber Wolf wants to hunt. The others want him to stay put since they don’t know if he’s infected with the pathogen and if he’ll infect others by leaving. But then they catch the local news.

Ghost #2 is found!

It looks like Timber Wolf has found something to do! Also, are these the only Legion of Super-hero heroes that don’t have Lad or Girl or Boy tacked on to the end of their name? I think Chameleon Girl who was supposedly killed was the only one with a dumb Legion name. Maybe that means this comic book is more interesting!

“…we never have to try and catch it.”

So! Earth does have the resources to track and notice new objects in orbit. And since they can locate something as small as a person that moves so fast that they’re praying they never have o catch it, they should be noticing all of the other alien ships and capitalist fortresses hanging around in space as well. Maybe they just flag them all and put out a Super Hero Bulletin so any hero can deal with any possible problem.

Timber Wolf catches up to the new Hypersapien that is hunting and eating other Hypersapiens. He toys with the idea of just letting it go and taking care of their problem for them. That’s a great idea! Just let it go around eating all of the infected people and then kill it. Bravo, Timber Wolf! Except, you know, he can’t do that. He has to stop it.

What an amazing new power! Shooting off the tips of your fingers!

Timber Wolf realizes he’s also been infected by the pathogen. I don’t know what alien DNA he gets but it’s some kind of alien that can shoot it’s talons at high velocity and then regenerate them. There are some weird aliens in the DC Universe.

After Timber Wolf downs the creature with his super talons, it collapses to the ground and cowers. And then Chameleon Girl morphs out of the side of the creature. The creature has been eating other creatures with Durlan DNA in an attempt to bring Chameleon Girl back. Was she possessing the creature and making it kill so that she might live? Sounds a little messed up to me. What right does she have? What makes her more worthy of life than the poor, infected sons of bitches she’s making this creature kill? And isn’t that interfering a bit much with the past? I guess that interference thing has been let out of the bag at this point. Not much hope of getting out of this without having royally fucked up the previous time line. Maybe I can pretend that they screwed up the universe so badly that Legion of Super-heroes doesn’t exist anymore! And then I won’t have to read that comic! Yay!

That’s it for that issue. Mediocre at best. No change in the rankings.

Legion Lost #2

Probably somebody I’ve never heard of before this comic.

On the second page of Legion Lost, somebody’s thought boxes describe what has happened to create this comic book series. I say somebody because I don’t know these heroes at all so I don’t know who the little star with wings icon belongs to that is supposed to identify the person thinking the thought boxes. The thought boxes say: “If the Legion of Super-heroes had stopped the xenophobic uprisings in the future — a brother wouldn’t have lost a sister … grief wouldn’t have become hatred … and hatred wouldn’t have led Alastor back in time to release a deadly plague.” Now this sounds like a story that has been told in a past comic book series. But since this is the New 52, there is no asterisk and note from the editor saying where or when this stuff happened like there normally would be. Which is one of the reasons why fans should be upset at DC’s half-assed attempt at a reboot. I would like to know where and when this happened or if this is just part of a new story and the reader isn’t supposed to know exactly what went on yet. Perhaps these events will happen in Legion at some future date. I don’t know because DC refuses to place editorial notes explaining things that happened pre-New 52 in an illusion to make the New 52 seem like a fresh start.

For the most part, I don’t care if this is a fresh start or not. I was hoping there would be more chances taken in the changes made since Flash fucked up something in the timeline in Flashpoint. But I would like a little more clarification on things that previously happened that actually affect what’s happening in the current comic book I’m reading. Maybe I should be reading the Legion of Super-heroes Secret Origin Files comic that is out right now as well! That might clarify things!

The pathogen that was released by Alastor has turned at least one man, Doc Scanlon, into an ‘energy-based life form that still thinks he’s a man’. It seems these thought boxes are Wildfire’s. Wildfire mentions that he, too, is an energy-based life form’. Or she. I don’t know which one is Wildfire.

Perhaps Wildfire is a result of this pathogen having been released one thousand years before?

This pathogen was created to merge alien DNA with human DNA as a punishment against xenophobic extremists from the future. So this first person they find, Doctor Scanlon, has had his DNA merge with an alien energy being called a Teallian. Did Legion Lost just become a 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo comic? Are they going to have to hunt down the 24 people who supposedly died in Alastor’s explosion but really just became infected with alien DNA? And will they all have some special relationship to one of the members to fill the story with pathos?

This one revolves around Wildfire and his thoughts because he’s an energy being that must remain in a containment suit or he will disperse and be lost. So he’s trying to help Doctor Scanlon to remain as human as possible. But the doctor refuses, embracing his new form and eventually dispersing completely. Wildfire is left feeling [Legion] Lost after the encounter. Did he feel like he failed the Doctor or did he fail himself? Why is he desperately clinging to a human form when he’s something completely different now?

It seems he is clinging to the shape because he has people he cares about and needs to continue to be a part of their lives. The Doctor was new to town and had no family. He was essentially alone and he seemed tired and dragged down by life anyway. He saw his new form as an escape from the drudgery and loneliness his life had become.

So maybe Wildfire didn’t fail anybody. It’s just two different ways of reacting to the change and to being true to one’s own needs and desires.

I read this issue fairly quickly and none of the art really needed to be scanned. A lot of the same stuff. A bunch of heroes flying around. A few explosions. Energy beings and mushroom clouds! I’m still not entirely sold on this comic and, generally, the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo format is a bit of a cheat (even though I based my entire Dwarf Lover comic on the concept! But this concept seems a bit more like Lost which I loved. Maybe that’s why it’s called Legion Lost!). So the comic highlights a specific character and the reader learns a bit about the character through flashbacks and how he deals with the conflict at hand. This comic is showing promise. From one I didn’t give a shit about to one I think can be very interesting.