I wonder if Octopi feel slandered and defamed because of Hentai? Because I can’t see a fucking tentacle anymore without believing it’s in search of an open orifice.
The Demon Knights have saved Themyscira by killing all the vampires. Although Cain escaped so he’s sure to go make more vampires before The Demon Knights can lock him up inside of Andrew Bennett. And The Shining Knight has gone all Bladey and become a half-vampire or something. I think The Shining Knight’s goal is to eventually be able to check every single box in the race category on the census form.
As thanks for saving Paradise, Hippolyta has some information for the Demon Knights concerning their quest.
At least when Sir Ystin turns into a vampire, she’ll easily be able to walk amongst the humans since she has so much practice passing.
Hippolyta directs the Demon Knights to the Amazonian Library of Congress to learn about The Holy Grail.
Excerpt from Richard F. Burton’s translation of the Kama Sutra: “The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king.” So that leaves what? A young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn’t want to have sex with you?
Exoristos almost goes into the story told in Wonder Woman about how the Amazons mate. My only question is if they only get reading material from sailors, shouldn’t it all be porn and Stephen King novels?
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Both halves of this cover make no sense! Why is The Flash hanging out with Constantine? Why did The Swamp Thing become a house?! What kid wouldn’t want to drop a dime on this story at his local drugstore?
Last issue, Faerie was saved from destruction by The Hunter Family and Justice League Dark. Mostly by the Hunter Family. What happened after that, I don’t know. I guess the science people and the irrational nutso-wacko magic people suddenly began getting along? Did the science people stop condescending to and patronizing the mystic yahoos? Did the magic people stop feeling superior because they could turn lead into gold while the scientists staunchly proclaimed it impossible? I have a feeling war isn’t going anywhere over there in Epoch City and Faerie.
But that world doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not even an important world since it isn’t labeled with a 1-51 (or a Prime!). I guess Faerie is one of those unique dimensions like Gemworld and the Apokolips dimension. Back on Earth, let’s see what horrible, dangerous, and taboo magic Constantine is up to!
Oh. He’s using his magic to convince everyone that he’s not smoking. I wonder what the fucking backlash is going to be for that? Diarrhea?
Instead of his winnings, the cashier hands Constantine a note that says, “The Cold Flame burns” and then the entire race track blows up. That magic backlash seems a little bit harsh simply for convincing people you’re not smoking when you actually are. I guess Constantine was telling the truth in his first solo issue. Magic is dangerous.
Meanwhile at ARGUS, Steve Trevor is trying to recruit Deadman to spy on Justice League Dark for him. In return, he’ll hire Deadman to be a member of the Justice League of America. Well that sounds like a shitty deal. That comic book can’t even come out on time. Besides, Deadman can be a member of the Justice League of America whenever he wants by simply possessing Hawkman or Vibe or Catwoman. Before Deadman can agree, he feels a disturbance in the force and flies off, leaving the person he had been in possession of to come back to his senses. The poor guy will probably be immediately thrown the ARGUS dungeon to prevent security leaks, his only crime enjoying a delicious triple cheeseburger.
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This comic book should have been cancelled when Adam One was killed at the beginning of time.
Not that I want this comic book to be cancelled! It’s one of my favorites! It’s just that time is different now thanks to the flame-headed people switching everything over to the Magenta Timeline. Although if I really dug into my DC Fanboy Logic Vaults, I can make excuses for anything. And this one is easier than most. Just make Merlin somebody else! Perhaps since there was no Adam One/Merlin, Mordred founded the Demon Knights for his own reasons and they have no connection to anything called Stormwatch at all. They’re just a bunch of misfits that joined together through the machinations and manipulations of some dick wizard. Oh wait! That’s exactly how it happened with Merlin anyway!
So see? Changing the timeline hardly means changing the current action in most books. But I wonder if there is now an Earth Prime and an Earth Prime Magenta? That’s probably the best way to sort Stormwatch and the rest of the Earth Prime books now.
At the end of last issue, Cain was about to raid Themyscira and Savage was about to raid the Demon Knights’ camp.
Vandal Savage is crying out for a hug. He’s just acting out because he hasn’t been included.
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I always like how Deadman has to be shown running into battle as well. He might as well just float above everyone cracking wise.
Constantine and his army have escaped from Epoch City, the new science capital of Faerie. Tim, Zatanna, and their army of mythological creatures are storming the city. And Tim’s father is still trying to enter the Portal so that he can get Tim the solution to stopping the magic storm ripping all of the worlds apart.
A number of pages pass with people fighting and words being said before Tim and his Dragon finally destroy the shielding on the city allowing the Chaos Magic Storm to begin destroying the city.
And then Zatanna gets all touchy feely on everyone and decides that nobody should die in this war.
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Why are those vampires vicious and mean? I thought they were supposed to be emo and sexy?
Last issue, Jason Blood led his group of ladies and horses and hermaphrodites to Madame Xanadu so that she could give him back his mouth. Being that he had no mouth, he couldn’t tell them where they were going. Things almost erupted into a huge magic battle except Madame Xanadu recognized everybody. I wondered why Jason Blood couldn’t take the time to write his companions a note to let them know where they were going. Seemed like the courteous thing to do.
Well, I guess that’s a little bit better!
Xanadu informs the others that she can reverse the spell placed on Jason Blood and give him back his mouth. But she’s really uppity and bitchy about it. Look, lady. I’m sure you were sitting in this dank cabin for years wondering where the fuck Jason Blood was and resenting him more and more each day. But you don’t have to take out your hurt and anger on the people that brought him to you! Besides, why didn’t you throw some bones and read some tea leaves or something. You could have known exactly when he’d return to this meeting place and then showed up ten minutes after that. Some seer you are!
You may have gotten the hint that I have no patience for Madame Xanadu.
Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he gets his mouth back:
Ugh. His breath must be foul.
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Terrific cover. Except, of course, for the copy. I know the creative team on the book doesn’t add the words to the covers, so who does? Who is in charge to put that fucking inane tripe on so many comic book covers?
Here is the copy from just three of the comic books from the last two weeks:
Justice League Dark: “Trapped in the lab from Hell!”
Talon: “Trapped in the depths of Gotham!”
Green Lantern: “Trapped in the land of death!”
I’m sure if it were another week, there might have been three or four “UNLEASHED” super heroes as well. Mostly that kind of thing doesn’t really bother me because it isn’t like a comic book cover is going to be hung on a wall as a print. The UPC Bar Code and the cover price and the stupid flapping DC Comics logo. But I think most readers will agree the copy doesn’t ever add anything to the book. Look at Batman Incorporated #8! Lose the fucking R.I.P. on the cover and I might have still been surprised by the death of Robin. But (and this really fucking pisses me off) corporations don’t give a fuck about the people already handing over their money. Who fucking cares if loyal readers are surprised? We need more fucking money so put Robin’s death right there on the fucking cover and in the stupid fucking 52 News Comic in the back so we can sell more fucking comic books to the people that don’t really give a shit about reading Batman Incorporated. But they’ll definitely want the Death of Robin in their collection! This happens all the time with television shows as well but mostly I don’t watch any of those shows. I just laugh at their stupid fucking commercials that spoil the episode every week for loyal viewers simply to get other viewers interested. Fuck you, you douchebags. How about thinking up another way to sell your stupid show or book than by ruining it for the fanbase? Dicks.
I don’t know how anybody trusts any major corporation at all. It always confuses me when people have brand loyalty. You realize the corporation doesn’t give a fuck about you, right? If they gave a crap about anything besides the bottom line, they wouldn’t try to gain your business by telling half-truths in their adverts asterisked half to death with footnotes changing the reality and meaning of the fucking lie they printed in bold print.
How many of y’all are old enough to remember
Fight Back! with David Horowitz? That guy was one of my heroes as a kid. Sure, challenging the veracity of commercials was akin to tilting windmills. But at least somebody was out there sticking it to these corporations that feel the only way people will buy their products are if they lie to and manipulate buyers. David Horowitz taught me about transparency and I never forgot that lesson. If a company has to hide their business practices or massage the truth to earn a buck, they’re not worth shit. Fucking David Horowitz. I wish he were here today to single-handedly roam the country like a 21st century Kwai Chang Caine kicking the asses of every member of every local news station so they’d get their act together and stop simply reporting spoon fed bullshit from press releases and start doing some fucking investigations of their own.
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I don’t have anything to say this morning but I really want to read this comic book.
I’ve never painted in my life but I realized last night that I have a painting project in me that I really want to do. Perhaps I’ll save it until my golden years though. I want to paint images and situations I experienced while on acid or mushrooms. I was thinking about one time at a flea market in San Jose tripping with my buddy
Bobby. As we approached a rack of sunglasses with a small girl crouched at the base digging through a box of toys, the girl turned around and she was wearing a
pair of those glasses with the eyes already on them. I was suddenly able to see the stylized painting I would do of that moment and it made me think of all the other drug-addled moments that would make lovely paintings. Lovely to me anyway. The kid offering me fizz. The brawl in the Grizzly roller coaster line between the transvestites and the asshole jocks. The kid that looked like Data as he did the “Live Long and Prosper” greeting when we asked to take his picture. Gumby in line for The Demon. Jupiter following me. The thousand years I spent in the strip joint parking lot. Sitting cross-legged on
Jason Beymer’s floor while his younger sister’s friends drank and partied around me. Watching Jesus Christ Superstar in fast forward while listening to Rush. Rock and Roll bowling and seeing everybody staring at me constantly.
I think I should learn to paint. I could see myself really enjoying my golden years painting these moments.
Didn’t I just type that I had nothing to talk about? Let’s get back to that! I want to read Demon Knights already!
Since we saw Jason Blood was busy being tortured by Vandal Savage and unable to call forth the Demon since Jason had seemingly misplaced his mouth, let’s check in on what Etrigan is up to!
Boredom seems fitting. He is in Hell, after all.
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She’s probably still immortal; it’s just that her age is now showing.
The last issue of Justice League Dark had the team arriving in Faerie while some really strange things happened to them. John Constantine suddenly can’t lie. Black Orchid has been transformed into a Purple Swamp Thing. Madame Xanadu has undergone a reverse face lift. Deadman is literally a dead man. And Frankenstein hasn’t shown any signs of change yet. Maybe he’ll begin to decay throughout this issue. They’ve come to Faerie to rescue Zatanna and Tim Hunter. Zatanna and Tim Hunter have arrived in Faerie to help the fairies drive out the Technological Assholes that have taken over.
Luckily Deadman has practice at this being killed thing so the first thing he does is try to find his way out of Faerie’s Land of the Dead. But while doing so, he runs into the keeper of the gates of the dead, Infernal Core!
Deadman escapes by tackling this jerk through the portal to the land of the fairies. And then the guy freaks out, screaming about how he doesn’t belong here and he goes both ways and stop being so fucking insensitive! Then the Techno-Asshole jizzes all over Infernal Core who disappears in an explosion of blood. Unless it’s fire. Whatever it is, good riddance. I’m glad they didn’t spend much time with him since he was only here for a stupid reality show prize. Hey DC! Stop ruining my comics with gimmicks and publicity stunts! Or if you are going to do that kind of shit, save it for Superboy. Anyway, I’m kind of liking this Network Enforcer Vikar a little bit more now. That fucking Face-Off show just wasted six pages of this comic book, so the next fourteen had better be spectacular.
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Is this Cain teaming up with one of the first recorded Talons? How fucking old is the Court of Owls? Maybe she simply works at middle ages Hooters.
I see Demon Knights has a new writer, Robert Venditti. His credits include The Surrogates which was made into a Bruce Willis film that I never saw. He has a Masters Degree in Creative Writing so I’m expecting well written crap from him. He’s also going to be writer on Constantine when it launches in March. I’m really looking forward to that title so this guy had better bring the goods! Also, I hope he writes well.
This issue begins thirty years after the Battle of Avalon from last issue. And it gives a date of 1043! My only real guess as to the time that Demon Knights was taking place was that it was between 750 CE and 1066 CE.. I guessed those dates based on a single panel where a resident of Britain tells the Demon Knights his family name and some history. He mentions he had viking relatives which meant the comic had to be taking place in The Dark Ages but after the vikings had spread their seed all over the unwilling women of Britain. Also all over the crops and the walls and the livestock and the stone circles. Um, anyway, the comic book now has a date! Yay!
The scene has shifted to Saxony where a bunch of vampires are currently massacring a small village.
It’s the Unknown Soldier!
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I’m a huge fan of this cover.
Until now, I’d forgotten that The Phantom Stranger popped up at the end of Justice League Dark #14 because nothing ever came of it in Justice League Dark #15. The Phantom Stranger informed Constantine that “the three” were about to go to war and that Constantine needed to pick a side. I’m pretty sure that Constantine has never “needed” to do anything that didn’t involve self-preservation, so I suppose Constantine’s response wasn’t actually needed. Well, until now! This comic must certainly continue that scene, mustn’t it?
While disguised as poorly dressed, sex crazed Philip Stark, The Phantom Stranger does a little shopping with Philip’s wife. That poor woman. Philip may seem real to her and the Phantom Stranger probably loves her and his kids for the normal life they allow him to pretend at, but in reality, his real identity is The Phantom Stranger. Some day his wife and children are going to end up in a refrigerator and two small ice chests. It’s practically inevitable.
At one point during the shopping trip, The Phantom Stranger enters a mystical trap disguised as a dressing room. He ends up in The House of Mystery with John Constantine and a dead goat.
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