I wonder when Wonder Woman is going to be about Wonder Woman?
I’m enjoying this comic book a lot but let’s not fool ourselves. This comic book is barely about Wonder Woman. It’s possible that’s why it works. Wonder Woman has been made interesting within the contexts of her decisions during this crisis of the gods. We see her belief in justice as she protects Zola’s baby. We see her strength and determination as she battles god after god. We see her compassion and love as she encounters others caught up in this mess that at first seem to be against her but she approaches with kindness and dignity. And we see her kick major ass when kicking major ass is the only option left. And apparently the main reason to kick ass is when a guy keeps hitting on you when you’ve told him you don’t date arrogant, misogynistic sons of ruthless cosmic dictators.
And the best part of this comic book? No Narration Boxing! The reader stays completely out of Wonder Woman’s head and it’s up to the reader to interpret Wonder Woman’s actions rather than having the author hand feed us her reasons behind all of her actions through the lazy ass Narration Box. Sure, they have their place and can help tell a fun story. But they’re like nitroglycerine. They’re very volatile if not handled correctly and they tend to blow up in most writers’ faces. Although they’re probably not as bad as in the Silver Age when a Narration Box would say, “Distracted, Lois Lane drove off of a cliff!” while the art showed Lois Lane driving off a cliff and Lois Lane’s though bubble said, “Oh no! I became distracted and suddenly drove off this cliff!” I get it! You don’t have to smash me over the head with the point of the panel! Lois as ADHD!
Currently on Olympus, Apollo is fretting over the prophecy. If only gods didn’t take prophecies so seriously, the prophecies would stop needing to be taken seriously! They’re always self-fulfilling! None of them would ever come to pass if some manipulative oracle didn’t spout the prophecy in the first place. Perhaps gods look at it a different way. If a god didn’t take any action, the prophecy would happen a different way. But since a prophecy is a prophecy is a prophecy, it simply doesn’t matter what happens because it will come true. So the god takes action in a futile attempt to change the future. And he changes the future but he only manages to make the prophecy come about in a different way. I think that’s how I’m supposed to view the whole prophecy bullshit. But it just seems like the gods are manipulated by these things into making them actually happen. And Apollo is trying his best to figure out how to keep the prophecy from coming true. How about trying to do nothing? No? Not an option?
Ugh. I think the pool on Olympus could use a little more chlorine.
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Power Girl was so upset her boobs weren’t the focal point of last issue’s cover, she killed Supergirl to claim focal boobage. Perhaps it was meant to distract people from noticing Michael Alan Nelson’s name was spelled wrong.
This is the third issue in a row to have a different writer. That can’t bode well for the comic, can it? Perhaps the editors are simply telling the writers what they need to write which is why the writers aren’t hanging around because who needs a stupid editor telling you what to write when they’re job title is “editor” and not “writer”? Editors are jerks! They’re just Fuddyduddies that rain on parades and refer to ‘artistic expression’ as ‘grammar errors.’
Last issue, the Fortress of Sanctuary decided that either Kara or Karen was a clone and thus it had to destroy them both. Better safe than allowing a disgusting, nasty clone to live so it can steal a normal Kryptonian’s job. According to the cover, boobs. I mean, Kara is going to be killed! So then will Power Girl take over as the new Supergirl? That’s probably exactly what’s going to happen.
My initial reaction to the first page was “Love Mahmud’s art!” The I thought, “Sanctuay is an annoying bitch.” But by the end of the page, I was totally, “I think I like Sanctuary!”
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Eclipso knows how to satisfy the ladies!
Here’s the secret to writing: don’t give a shit what anybody thinks! There might be some other secrets as well. Like exaggerate as much as possible. And maybe create unlikable characters that people really like to dislike. Also always tell the truth when lying as much as possible. That one is pretty important. Never letting your spouse or parents or children or siblings read what you write helps you to be more truthful, so don’t show anybody you care about. If they tell you it’s good, you won’t believe them and if they tell you it sucks, they’re assholes. Also, you’re probably writing nasty things about them because writing is a good way to get negative shit off of your chest and you probably don’t want your husband reading about how much you hate it when he scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers.
Here’s the secret to writing that everybody always tells so it’s not actually a secret: if you want to write, write. As a Reader, you might think that’s the worst advice you’ve ever heard! But boy howdy is it good advice since Writers are fucking lazy assholes! Seriously! They want to make a living out of simply spewing imaginary pablum from our imaginations? Really?! Go build something, you lazy twat!
Actually, Writers are very busy and industrious, so that previous paragraph was one of those exaggerating lies of truth I mentioned. You’ll never see a cleaner house than the house of a Writer avoiding writing!
If you want to read one of the greatest books about Writing while at the same time reading a lot of pretty good pornography, you should read Nicholson Baker’s
The Fermata. You know something I forget to do all of the time? Put titles of things in italics. That’s because I use quotation marks so much due to referencing comic book issue titles and also because I’m an idiot who hates remembering stylistic norms. There might be better books about Writing out there but I guarantee they won’t have any porn in them.
You know what other book probably doesn’t have any porn in it? Sword of Sorcery! It even lacks the stereotypical chainmail bikinis and barely covered sorceresses and oiled up barbarians in loincloths with their wangs hanging out. I bet nobody in Fantasy Worlds was ever having sex due to all the chafed, pinched, bruised, and battered genitalia.
Meanwhile on Gemworld, I believe these two panels sum up the action decently enough since I wasted all of my summing up paragraphs with bullshit.
I don’t think this is his work but I saw Travis Moore in the art credits with Aaron Lopresti and John Livesay and I remember really hoping to see more of his work last time I saw his name in Sword of Sorcery #4. Look at me with the research instead of just saying “last time in whatever fucking comic book he drew.”
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The Prankster uses a special kind of electricity that doesn’t shine any light.
Dick Grayson is in Chicago trying to find Tony Zucco, the man that killed his parents. He’s also the man inadvertently responsible for him becoming Nightwing, if you’re one of those weirdos that tries to see the positive in everything. He’s renting out a room in some crappy little apartment. But at least it includes furnishings and a half-naked woman. But then again, if you’re a normal person that always knows things are worse than they appear, you won’t be surprised that the half-naked woman has a bat and can’t wait to use it.
Look, I didn’t get much sleep last night. So think up your own Batwoman and/or Dick joke here.
Dick sure meets a lot of cute women. But does he ever meet in normal women? I think Sonia was the only normal woman he’s met in a long while and she turned out to be the daughter of the man that murdered his parents. And by that record, my guess is this new girl that he’s rooming with is The Prankster.
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How can you be betrayed by somebody whose trust you’ve never earned in the first place? Punch him in the throat, Batman!
Vibe has begun to get suspicious of A.R.G.U.S. and Agent Gunn and Amanda Waller. I would say it’s about time but he’s actually come to the realization much quicker than I would have expected. Perhaps he’ll run into Batman as he’s investigating the Justice League of America. That pronoun was meant to be ambiguous because I think they’ll both be investigating the JLA when they they walk backwards into each other in a dark subbasement hallway.
The issue begins with Agent Gunn’s wife starting an argument.
Why do so many strong, young black men got to go for these white bitches?
Casey has no idea what he’s arguing for. All Casey wants is for Gunn to wear a stupid ring when he’s at work. A lousy ring! Casey really wants to risk his life for a tiny, insignificant, minute little point? Casey! Wake the fuck up, dumb dumb! A.R.G.U.S. fucks with super
villains heroes! Somebody is eventually going to get pissed and you think you’re going to be able to defend the home with your dish soap soft hands? You’re in construction, right? Perhaps you should get busy with the fucking coffin.
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Thanks a lot, Gail and Daniel. Now people are going to cosplay this Ventriloquist and I’m going to continuously be running and screaming through every convention I go to.
Let me guess: Alysia is going to play
Hitori Kakurenbo and unleash this horror on Gotham? That would actually be a pretty good origin story for a horrible supernatural villain.
Also, Batgirl no longer has a diary because I was tired of writing Batgirl’s diary. Sure, it was easier than actually commenting on the quality of the story. But I let it go for at least five issues longer than I wanted to. I should just start up my own diary.
Dear Diary,
Today I ate a whole box of Oreos. There was little time for anything else. Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Tess Ate Chai Tea
The issue begins nine years ago in the creepiest part of Gotham: the suburbs.
Happy Byrthday? Is there some kind of discriminatory association with having an “I” in “birthday”?! Was it too egocentric with the “I”?
Here we see kids being assholes.
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I’ve always considered “Brainiac” to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.
I couldn’t think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn’t have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you’re female and you felt left out that I didn’t include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn’t worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.
*By “jokes”, I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don’t read any of my other commentaries.
On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you’re seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it’s been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.
Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn’t watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I’ve still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.
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I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold’s back-up story. It’s witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It’s what I want in my comic books. Let’s have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.
I wonder if Octopi feel slandered and defamed because of Hentai? Because I can’t see a fucking tentacle anymore without believing it’s in search of an open orifice.
The Demon Knights have saved Themyscira by killing all the vampires. Although Cain escaped so he’s sure to go make more vampires before The Demon Knights can lock him up inside of Andrew Bennett. And The Shining Knight has gone all Bladey and become a half-vampire or something. I think The Shining Knight’s goal is to eventually be able to check every single box in the race category on the census form.
As thanks for saving Paradise, Hippolyta has some information for the Demon Knights concerning their quest.
At least when Sir Ystin turns into a vampire, she’ll easily be able to walk amongst the humans since she has so much practice passing.
Hippolyta directs the Demon Knights to the Amazonian Library of Congress to learn about The Holy Grail.
Excerpt from Richard F. Burton’s translation of the Kama Sutra: “The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king.” So that leaves what? A young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn’t want to have sex with you?
Exoristos almost goes into the story told in Wonder Woman about how the Amazons mate. My only question is if they only get reading material from sailors, shouldn’t it all be porn and Stephen King novels?
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At least this takes place before Jason Todd became Not Jason Todd.
Oh man. Bruce Wayne is in for a serious verbal bitch slapping from Jason Todd. I can only imagine what Todd is feeling. He’s watching Batman drop everything to run around the world to find a way to bring Damian back to life. And yet when Todd died, what did Batman do? No, seriously. What did he do? I don’t remember because that was a long time ago. Even if I could remember, this is The New 52 and Batman might have reacted differently to Todd’s crowbarring than he did to the Preboot crowbarring. I’m assuming “crowbarring” would have the double “R” if it weren’t a made up word.
I think I derailed myself in that last paragraph. I meant to say Todd probably has gotten his feelings hurt since it looks like Batman wants Damian back in his life while Todd needed to wait around to be resurrected by somebody else. I forget who that somebody was. Talia? I don’t know. Whatever!
Batman is currently planning a trip to Ethiopia when Carrie Kelley pays him a visit. She’s just as curious as everybody else about what happened to Damian. I think everybody heard that Robin died but Damian has mysteriously been “shipped off to England” or some other nonsense. I guess Bruce is hoping to purchase a little Samsara Serum before too many questions are asked.
I guess she wasn’t sure about giving back the money since she cashed the check and is now returning a huge wad of bills.
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