Supergirl #13

What’s this? I thought they were going to be friends! I’m so naive.

Last issue, Supergirl arrived at her underwater Fortress of Solitude to find Simon Tycho waiting for her. Simon Tycho sounds like a butler’s name, so I’m pretty sure he’s going to end up being Kara’s Alfred Pennyworth. Perhaps this cover is simply the way she greets her staff.

What did I tell you? Do I know my Supergirl or what?

Simon Tycho’s jelly man body allows him to fend off the brunt of Supergirl’s over-enthusiastic greeting. A circle of Kryptonian dildos surround Tycho as he tries to convince Supergirl that he’s actually there to help her.

The moment you realize you’ve been using your father’s voice recordings to pleasure yourself.

Supergirl has already heard the first recording Tycho plays for her. It’s the moment her father was shot. But this one plays past his surprise, allowing Supergirl to hear the voice of her mother and realize it was mom that shot dad. The events related in her Zero Issue all rush back to her and she breaks down into super tears. And since she hasn’t eaten or drank anything for nearly year, she’s probably going to dehydrate.

Tycho demonstrates to Supergirl how he can absorb the data from the Kryptonian Sun Shards.

That’s kind of how Supergirl was using them but she didn’t absorb any data.

Tycho may be able to gather information from the crystals but he can’t access the Fortress’s programming. He suggests Supergirl can talk to it which she does. And it works. The building introduces itself as Sanctuary, a gift from her father. That’s when Tycho goes apeshit and disappoints me once again. I thought he was going to be Supergirl’s friend! But he doesn’t care about her at all! He just wants to run her magic underwater palace.

I guess that’s why he wears the loin cloth. He can grow appendages at will.

But just like every other villain in the universe, Tycho talks too much and it becomes his downfall. He plants the seed to his defeat in Kara’s head when he tells her Sanctuary grew from a crystal and is strong enough to withstand the weight of the ocean. So Kara commands Sanctuary to neutralize the non-Kryptonian entity. The crystal grows around him and encases him. Since he, like Supergirl, doesn’t need to eat and sleep, he’s now in stasis until he agrees to become Supergirl’s butler. But now she can’t walk around her apartment naked without this creepy guy watching her through the crystal. That’s disappointing.

And once the conflict is resolved, it’s time for Kara to relax!

Wait! But! Your father’s voice!

Don’t! Eeeep!

I guess after 13 issues of punching people in the face, Supergirl deserves some me time.

After Supergirl finishes relaxing, she discovers she can use Sanctuary to access the internet. That’s some damn fine wi-fi down at the bottom of the Atlantic. With it, she contacts Siobhan. Hopefully it’ll be for some English lessons. Or maybe Spanish. Perhaps Japanese. Any language that will allow her to speak to more than two other people on the planet. While speaking with Siobhan, Sanctuary interrupts to tell her Superman is fighting an unidentified Kryptonian and that she’d better get her cute little bum in gear and help him fight it in the H’El on Earth crossover event.

Supergirl #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now that this fucking comic has finally decided to tell some story along with Supergirl punching people in the face, it’s really found its way. I actually like it a lot as a whole but it would have been much better compressed to six or seven issues instead of thirteen.

Voodoo #0

The only reason I can see Voodoo needing a Zero Issue is to show how she meets up with Grifter at the end of it. Otherwise we’ve got the story. Pris captured by Daemonites. Her DNA is stolen and she’s cloned. But she’s also injected with Daemonite DNA so she gains their powers. Then Voodoo is sent to Earth to gain information on super heroes. And Pris ends up in the clutches of the Black Razors somehow. Maybe they raid a Daemonite lab and take her hostage.

Pris was abducted by Daemonites while giving handjobs in the park.

No wait. Maybe she was doing the Hand Jive in the park.

Whatever disgusting thing she was doing, the Daemonites took her. And they experimented on her and threw her in one of those Empire Strikes Back healing tanks. But she’s a wily one and she escapes from the tank to learn that she and dozens of other humans have been abducted.

Why do these Daemonites have so many faces?

Pris gets caught and when she fights back, she transforms. She grows claws and wings and realizes that she can read the Daemonites’ minds and they can read hers. It’s that hivemind space she talks about in Issue #12 with Voodoo. Although I thought Voodoo was telling Pris about this moment when it was actually the other way around. Unless this is actually Voodoo escaping? Who knows?

To escape, Pris crashes through a window and begins falling through the air. Luckily they were in Earth’s atmosphere. And luckily she’s now strong enough to break through glass that needs to be strong enough to hold back the high pressures inside the ship pushing against it when the ship enters a vacuum.

As she’s falling, the Black Razors appear. The Daemonites call for a retreat when they recognize them because the Daemonites apparently have no confidence in themselves. I thought they were only supposed to be afraid of Grifter’s mask. The Black Razors drive the Daemonites away and “save” Pris. I put the word “save” in quotation marks because after saving her they taze her and take her captive themselves.

You two will pay for this! Really! They will!

Back on board the Daemonite ship, the Daemonites reveal that they have a clone of Pris ready to go. It’s just a baby but it must grow super fast in the Empire Strikes Back Healing Tube. It grows up to be another Voodoo but this one is taught to love the Daemonites, hate the humans, and how to shake her ass on a pole.

And then the story moves to the “Now” part where Pris gets to meet Grifter so he can rescue her from her failing comic book.

Why do you always Narration Box like you’ve just smoked five bowls of killer hashish?

Grifter runs out of bullets before he can even wound this Daemonite. The Chosen One is about to die and be less chosen than ever! But then Pris shoots it in the head and saves his life. I suppose Pris is going to be called Voodoo now. That could get a little bit confusing.

Before reading this comic, I felt it was unnecessary. After reading it, I know it was unnecessary. It was simply boring. So it was just like her regular series! Oh shit!

Voodoo #0 Rating: To be continued in Grifter. Oh fucking joy.

Voodoo #12

The final battle? And since Voodoo says fighting is just like stripping…Oh boy! This issue is going to be fanboytastic!

In last issue, entitled “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Europa”, all of the key figures in the comic book had found themselves on Jupiter’s icy moon. None of them seemed to care that the Obelisk had said to leave Europa alone. They just went ballooning and mad dashing and space shipping and flying all over the place looking for the fabled Blue Flame. Helspont needed somebody to retrieve the Blue Flame for him so he could refuel his head. But the Blue Flame wouldn’t be so easy to nab! It was guarded by an army of Space Orks and two gigantic statues based on Roman soldiers.

Now the Space Orks had been avoiding the cave of the Blue Flame for centuries because the Roman Statues would smash them into Orc-Habanero Jam whenever they got too close. But that didn’t stop Voodoo because she wields the power of Strip Fighting! She made it past and was just about to recover the Blue Flame when Priscilla her Evil Twin arrived to stop her. Pris got past the Centurions because they were busy genociding the Space Orks.

And now it’s time for the exciting (possibly not exciting) conclusion of Voodoo, the best comic of The New 52 (possibly not even close to the best comic).

Oh, I don’t know. I think there are a lot of single mothers and young girls working their way through college who might understand.

Voodoo begins the comic by thinking back to how hard her life had been doing Daemonite undercover work. I’m not exactly sure how being a stripper helped her gather information on all of Earth’s superheroes. She simply would have learned that Green Arrow is grabby and Clark Kent is a lousy tipper.

Priscilla remembers that her life was shitty too! But hers was extra shitty because she was being held captive by The Black Razors after she’d been held captive and experimented on by the Daemonites. And she didn’t even have a mission to keep her focused on other things. All she could focus on was revenge against someone. Eventually that someone became Voodoo which led her to punching Voodoo’s face on Europa.

Voodoo is a bit meaner so instead of just punching Pris back she tries to tear her whole goddamned face off.

Another idiot that thinks Europa is a planet! I bet Voodoo knew a few strippers named Europa.

Pris doesn’t want to kill Voodoo. She wants to rescue her because she sees her as the family she’s always wanted. But she’d kind of be her sister and who wants a sister? My own sister was a selfish terror for most of my life growing up. She treated me like shit, constantly hit me, and did anything she wanted with no consideration for me or my feelings. Until one day when I was in 10th Grade and she was in 12th (yes, yes. It took me until I was fifteen to realize I didn’t have to put up with this shit!) and I was watching Lionel Richie’s “Hello” video on MTV (yes, yes, yes again. That video (along with Phil Collin’s “Take a Look at Me Now” and Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”) understood my poor, breaking, young adolescent heart so well. Shut up. Anyway, I was watching the video when she came along and switched the channel. I yelled and whined and screamed and she just laughed and lay on the couch and just didn’t fucking care. So I grabbed the remote control and punched her in her upper left arm. Not once. Not twice. Fuck if I know how many times I punched her over and over again. The shift in power was a palpable thing. Like an ancient black magic ritual had finally been completed, reality cracked and the sky broke open. It may have been my super villain origin that day. But I didn’t just discover that I actually had some power in that relationship. My sister also became nicer and more caring. Maybe it was simply motivated by fear and terror but what the fuck did I care at that point? She was leaving me alone!

A few days later at school, some senior named Alex who loved Rush and sat next to me in Geometry lectured me about hitting girls because he saw the giant black bruise on my sister’s shoulder. I allowed him the moment of righteousness because he just didn’t understand the reign of terror I had lived under for so long. He couldn’t see the golden light beaming out of the crack I’d opened up in the sky to bathe me in a resplendent golden aura of protection. I didn’t blame him for seeing a different reality. And I didn’t argue with him either. He was just a poor simpleton who loved Rush over Poison! What an idiot! (Yes, yes, yes, yes! I know! What a fucking tool I was!)

Back to Voodoo and Pris’s fight, it never really went anywhere. At some point, they end up in a psychic space where they can actually speak with each other without throwing fists. I guess that’s what it takes in the DC Universe to get two people to actually have a conversation. They have to be in a space where physical violence is disallowed.

It’s a non-physical plane which accounts for all of the stair climbing that has to be done.

I don’t really know a lot about the Daemonites but I think Voodoo’s comment about them needing to evolve is telling. Of course creatures need to die to evolve. Okay, technically that’s not true. But they do have to reproduce sexually. You know, with two partners! Or three, if you’re lucky. The dying is just a matter of keeping things fresh and romantic. So why don’t Daemonites evolve? Are they a race created in a lab based on specific templates, like for Scouts and Warriors and such? If that’s the case, they may not be able to evolve but can’t they be made better through gene therapy? Oh! I guess that’s why Voodoo mentions later that she and Pris “represent the evolution of their species.” So it makes sense that they’re created in a lab and not created through reproduction. But how would dying help them evolve? Perhaps it’s just one of those prophecies that’s not divine but created by a group with an agenda to change the basic power structure of the current regime (you know, like all prophecies!).

Helspont believes the change needs to happen and he’s ready to destroy the Daemonites. But he also just wants revenge on the entire race, so his motivations aren’t exactly pure. But he wants to take over Earth in the process. The rest of the Daemonites just want to take over Earth because they believe it will help them reach the next stage in their development because it has such a high propensity for creating super heroes. Either way, the Earth is fucked.

After Pris and Voodoo are separated from their mindscape, Voodoo calls Pris a liar. Apparently Voodoo doesn’t subscribe to the notion that a person cannot lie in pure mind space! It doesn’t matter if I just made that notion up or not. Voodoo still doesn’t subscribe to it. She shoves Pris away and grabs the Blue Fire! Or Blue Flame! Or Blue Blazes. Apparently it doesn’t make her the super woman she wants it to because she’s knocked out by the nearly dead Mol Stone. His minions drag her away and he dies. leaving the Blue Thing for Pris. Then she and Alex make their escape.

Someone was up late watching Raiders of the Lost Ark while finishing the Voodoo script!

The team (minus those jokers Finch and Wanker) make it back to the ship and Voodoo commands it to take off. They’ve escaped and they didn’t even invoke the wrath of the ancient black obelisk. Lucky! Pris can no longer feel Voodoo in her head. Apparently when their mental link was broken earlier, it was completely destroyed. Lincoln and his Black Hawks Razors failed to capture Voodoo but they did recover the Blue Thing so that Helspont couldn’t get his hands on it. They all head back to Earth while Voodoo remains a captive on Europa. My guess is that she’ll soon be the leader of the Europan Space Ork camp. Stormwatch will probably have to kick her ass in a few months.

Back on Earth, Pris has some choices to make.

“So Lincoln, what do we do now?” “Oh, well, we can….” “No, fuck you and your cancelled Black Hawks. I’m heading over to the soon to be cancelled Grifter!”

Pris continues to train with the Black Razors while Lincoln heads off to hand over the Blue Thing to some secret shadowy individual. The figure says, “We’ll be sure to put it to good use,” so it must be part of a team. It’s too muscular and doesn’t have a cigarette in its hand, so it’s not Constantine. It could be Superman but I think he’d say something about keeping it safe over putting it to good use. It might be going to a member of Team 7. That’s probably the best bet since I’d expect it to go to a government black ops organization and they’re not handing this thing over to Suicide Squad.

And then on Europa…

Well that was fast.

Voodoo #12 Rating: No change. I’m not sure this comic received a fair shake. Perhaps it wasn’t selling well under the first writer, Ron Marz, but to have editorial hear another writer has a good idea so they allow him to come in and ignore the first six issues or so, change the whole characterization of Voodoo, kill off all of the characters from the first arc, and create a whole new agenda should never be the answer. DC’s editorial staff simply has no respect for their readership. How dare we get stories with consistent characters that build off of past stories to create a cohesive and interesting world? No, no. Instead, let’s do whatever we can to make our entire Universe seem more realistic even at the expense of good storytelling. I understand a comic needs to make money for it to stay on the shelves but I can’t belabor the point enough: good stories and good art sell fucking comic books. I’ll see you in Issue #0, Voodoo, so I can learn the secret origin of how you became a stripper!

Voodoo #11

Seriously though. The Romans conquered Europa? I think Josh Williamson might have a slight reading comprehension problem.

Writing commentary on a comic book I’m currently reading is quite different from writing an actual essay or a piece of fiction. It’s a little bit like free falling. At times I’m nervous because I don’t feel like I’ll have anything to say. And sometimes I prove that! But with a normal piece of writing, you can set up outlines and work through drafts and edit and change and restructure. You can plan. But then I also know that when I pick up a comic written by Rob Liefeld or Scott Lobdell, I’m going to have plenty of material to comment on. It’s the really good books that are the main problem.

Voodoo is not a good book. It’s been mostly mediocre with some really surprising bad plot points. Voodoo’s characterization has been all over the place and the title itself was basically rebooted halfway through! But I think it might be getting better. I hope it might be getting better. Actually, it doesn’t fucking matter if it’s getting better since it’s been cancelled as of Issue #12.

This issue begins with Voodoo using her stripping to defeat the Centurions. No, you shut up! It’s true!

She’s right! In stripping and fighting, shirts come off almost immediately!

Of course, she did say “dancing.” But since she was a stripper, I know she actually means “stripping.” Because all strippers refer to their job as dancing. And since Voodoo has never actually done any dancing except the kind with the pole and the tassels and the dollar bills, she’s talking about stripping.

“Those first few nights of stripping were bloodbaths!”

While she’s thinking about her comparison, she’s dodging the Centurions as they try to grab her. Just like at the strip club! She’s totally right!

Another big distinction is the spitting blood and teeth!

I know another girl who’d agree with Priscilla on the dance fighting technique!

“Touch the butt!”

Meanwhile, Priscilla (you know, the good version of Voodoo) and her crew of Black Razor misfits are busy with their own road trip hijinks not too far from the Centurion battle.

How is Priscilla going to fight? She wasn’t trained by Daemonites or Strippers?!

Lincoln tries to keep the joking to a minimum but it’s tough with a crew ignorant of space and language.

You’re on the right “moon” and it’s “thanks” to Pris. Dumbasses.

The Black Razors continue to get all Space Marine on the Space Orks while Priscilla recovers enough to sprout wings and fly after Voodoo. I think they might work through their differences and become besties! Walker chases after her while Lincoln and Skvarla head over to another crashed ship to salvage parts. Magnus and Flynn continue to shoot Space Orks.

Interlude: Whatever happened to the special font DC was using to depict alien languages? You know the one! The one identified as “Old Portugese” [sic] in Swamp Thing #5? I haven’t seen it for months now!

Voodoo leads the Centurions into the group of Space Orks and chaos ensues. I guess the Space Orks were too stupid to ever lure the Centurions away from the entrance to the Blue Flame. Or maybe whoever built the Centurions was too stupid to program them to not be tricked so easily! Their whole purpose is to guard the Blue Flame, not chase people around Europa.

Meanwhile, back with the Razors, Lincoln and Skvarla return to the battle with their parts only to witness Flynn and Magnus’s final joke.

Ha ha! Hilarious!

Last commentary, I didn’t think Williamson would kill any of the Black Razors. But I did say I felt like two of them were going to die. So I was sort of half right.

Priscilla and Alex Walker make their way to the Space Orks being massacred by the Centurions. Mol Stone, mortally wounded, mistakes Pris for Voodoo. But not for long! He smells her virginity and asks if she also was sent by Helspont. Alex Walker tells him they have been sent by Helspont and, hey buddy, could you give us a hand. And then even though Mol Stone just approached Pris thinking she was Voodoo, he tells them this:

“I saw her run into the temple and then I saw you and thought you were her but since you smell all pure and prudish, I realized you can’t be her and so she must be in the temple where I just saw her go before I thought you were her also. Cut a mortally wounded brother some slack, wouldja?”

Pris enters the temple because the Centurions are the most powerful, worst guards ever. She catches up to Voodoo just as Voodoo is about to get The Blue Flame which will allow whoever wields it to rule the UNIVERSE! Yes, that’s right. THE MOTHER FUCKING UNIVERSE! No problem, right? With the proper set-up, maybe a Wormhole Express, a person can keep tabs on his entire universal domain, right? What do you do when you rule the Universe? What more is there? “NOW I WILL CONQUER THE WHOLE OF TIME! BWA HA HA HA!” Ruler of the Universe really just sounds like a pompous, useless title. I can’t even imagine how you do it! And my imagination is practically as good as a pre-schooler’s!

With dialogue like that, it’s a real shame this title is concluding.

Voodoo #11 Rating: No change. This certainly is not the best title in the New 52, as a commenter to my commentaries thought it was. But it’s also not one of the worst. Overall, it just never found its footing and it really read like two different stories about two different characters named Voodoo with the change in writers. I won’t be sad to see it end.

Voodoo #10

Daemonite Reavers!

I just reread my commentary on Voodoo #9 and holy shit I was harsh! Not that Josh Williamson doesn’t deserve harsh. The editors at DC seemed to decide he had a great idea to bring readers to this book and he just destroyed any flow the series had. The book was kind of unsure of itself the first few issues but it wasn’t a bad title. That’s why it’s currently ranked at 36. It was an average comic which has been plummeting down the ranks since Williamson decided to blow up the plot and start completely over. But I was pretty judgmental with the Wildstorm Universe (which, again, I know nothing about) and on Tumblr, no less! I’m surprised I didn’t create some kind of cosmic rift.

Tumblr: We love everyone! Everyone is worthy of love!
Me: Wildstorm is shitty shitsville and its fans have no taste!
Tumblr: OH NO YOU FUCKIN’ DIDN’T!
Universe: *CRACK*

I actually wasn’t that harsh. I was being whimsical like most of my posts! It’s just drunk whimsical comes across as mean-spirited, I guess! Anyway, the cover on this Voodoo actually makes this issue look good! And one of my readers, Donnymuppetmeat, said, “Voodoo is the only DC title worth reading” so maybe I should remember that while reading Voodoo!

Okay! I’m ready to read Europaean Vacation! Man, that’s what they should have titled this issue! “Holiday Ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oad! Holiday Ro-o-o-o-o-o-oad!”

This issue begins with Voodoo already on Europa. Some creatures that live in the Dead City of the Daemonites are already fighting over her ship while she investigates the landscape.

This looks familiar! Hmm. Voodoo. Froodoo. Frodo! Is she in Moordoor?

While wondering how she’s going to get past this encampment, she triggers a trap.

One does not simply walk into Moordoor.

Meanwhile, Pris and Lincoln and some Black Razor Red Shirts are flying through space toward Europa. I’m enjoying the best comic DC publishes so much that I avoid scanning the picture of the ship flying through space going, “ZOOMWOOSH!” Because everybody knows that ZOOMWOOSH is the sound effect of a ship flying through a nitrogen/oxygen atmosphere and not the vacuum of space! Sheesh.

I think I’ll name the Red Shirt Black Razors flying with Voodoo before they’re killed by the Orc Daemonites.

This is Mohawx. Unless it’s actually Alex Walker. I forget what he looks like. This is probably Alex Walker.

I dub her, Tripoli! Unless she’s Alex Walker! Maybe she’s Alex Walker!

This was going to be Young Lincoln and Soulpatch until they identified themselves as Flynn and Magnus. I wish the Blackhawks were the back-up crew.

While the Black Razors crew fools around the way the Black Hawks crew never would have, Pris is knocked unconscious and the ship goes out of control! Oh no! Look out! You’re going to crash into…um…well, something. Eventually. Possibly.

Back on Europa, Voodoo finds herself in a bit of a Bilbo’s dwarves’ scrape as the Troll Daemonites consider how they’re going to eat her. But she doesn’t need a burglar to help her out of her frying pan. Or was this part the fire? Anyhow, she uses her shapeshifting powers to get free. And then Mol Stone, the leader, arrives! Voodoo actually manages to talk her way out of this instead of resorting to evisceration.

Every thing has been too easy for Voodoo. She should be thankful she’s not the Justice League International.

After convincing the Orc Daemonites that she was sent by Helspont, they lead her to the weapon. She takes it and destroys the Earth. The end!

No, no. It’s something altogether unexpected.

Meanwhile, Pris’s ship crashes into Europa. Or it kind of lands since Pris wakes up at the last second to command the ship to land. But she actually wakes up at the first second after it’s too late to land safely! So they crash!

I don’t know that saying. I think you’re missing an important part of the actual saying, dumbass.

The Black Razors find themselves surrounded by Orc Daemonites when they exit their ship. And Pris is too spent from piloting the ship to help them defend themselves. I want to say two of them will die in the upcoming fight but I bet none of them will. Lincoln can’t die because no editor is going to give Josh Williamson that authority. The white haired woman won’t die because she’s the only non-alien woman. Alex Walker won’t die because I think he’s probably important and possibly from somewhere else. Magnus and Flynn won’t die because they’re the hilarious sassy underlings who disrespect authority. Williamson gave them all just enough personality that he isn’t going to be willing to kill his creations. Unlike how he simply and easily killed Marz’s characters.

Voodoo heads off with Mol Stone and I finally find a character I can like in this comic book!

I hope Mol Stone sticks around.

Mol Stone brings Voodoo to an archway in a cliff guarded by a couple of giant stone centurions. I guess the Romans colonized Europa too! They probably built some damn fine roads out toward Jupiter. The centurions rip apart any Daemonite trying to enter. Supposedly, only someone chosen by destiny can enter. Voodoo believes Helspont when he told her she was chosen by destiny, so she calmly marches forward to find the Blue Flame.

Ha ha! Remember, Helspont said you were chosen by “desitny,” stupid!

Voodoo #10 Rating: No change. What the fuck? No change! I actually enjoyed this issue. That’s because I read it like it was the only comic book worth reading and how can you hate a comic book that is the only comic book worth reading? In fact, I hated Snyder’s Batman a little bit while reading this comic because it was just another Batman story! Why can’t a Batman story not feature Batman?! That’s what I want to know!

No, really, this issue wasn’t bad. Nothing great about it though. And I finally like a character in Voodoo. Also, if Williamson just continues marching forward with what he’s doing now, this book could work. Just forget the past, forget the atrocities Williamson committed, forget that Voodoo had a totally different personality, and maybe I can try again.

Voodoo #9

Please, please, PLEASE don’t pass the test!

I’ve got a pretty good imagination so I’m actually capable of imagining people who loved the Wildstorm Universe.

Fuck, I’m a genius artist! Maybe I should have made this guy love Voodoo since this commentary is about Voodoo! Oh well! I can’t fucking control my imagination. I’m drunk! [EDIT: Picture edited to be less broadbrushery for Mangacide. Although, admittedly, I did say I didn’t know anything about Wildstorm and that I was drunk. You know, drunk like the crazed fan I drew.]

Last issue, Josh Williamson killed off all of the characters from Ron Marz’s run on Voodoo so that he can have complete control over this stupid comic book. Yeah, I’m putting it all out there! This comic book is STOOPID! And the Daemonites? Is that the baddest ass threat the Wildstorm Universe could come up with? You know what? Fuck Wildstorm!

Anybody reading my commentaries might have noticed that I haven’t really said a lot about the Wildstorm Universe up until now. That’s because I don’t know shit about it. I knew Gen 13 came from there. I knew Stormwatch came from there. Stormwatch is the only comic from the Wildstorm days that I ever read. But mostly, it didn’t interest me. And reading Voodoo and Grifter and all the Wildstorm shit Lobdell is adding to his comics has only made me realize I was a fucking genius to avoid this garbage. Grifter and Voodoo suck ass. And not in a sexy way. If sucking ass can be sexy. I think it can be. It depends.

Voodoo is currently searching through the jungles of South America for the Daemonite Yoda. And thankfully, she’s completely shed the personality and anguish and despair and curiosity Ron Marz invested her with. Now, she’s a good soldier working for the Daemonites! She’ll make the prophecy come true, whatever the prophecy is.

Have I mentioned how much I hate comic books relying on prophecies and the like? I believe I have. At least I’ve bitched about characters’ actions being motivated by glimpses of the future. And what is a prophecy except a rumour of the future, amirite?

You know Helspont is powerful because look at all the side boob surrounding him!

So Helspont is Voodoo’s yoda. Helspont is also from the Wildstorm Universe. I suppose he was a complete bad-ass over there just like every other character. I think most conversations in the Wildstorm Universe went something like this:

Antagonist: “I’ll flippin’ cut your throat, you bastard!”
Protagonist: “Whatever.”
Antagonist: “Oh, you won’t talk so tough when you see what I’m capable of!”
Protagonist: “Is that all you’ve got?”
Antagonist: “Ewwwwwww! I’ll kill you!” *attacks*
Protagonist: *kills Antagonist easily* “Who killed who? Oh yeah. I killed you.”
Reader: “FUCK YEAH!”

Look how casual Helspont is. Oh, he’s so cool and apathetic. He doesn’t take anything seriously! And why has the recent fight with the Kryptonian kept him from taking over the world? Scheduling conflict?

Helspont: “Oh, well, I can’t fit in taking over the world because I have to smoosh Superman with a mountain. Hmm, maybe later. If I can be bothered.”

Why is Helspont suddenly in South America? His base of operations was just in the Himilayas! I guess since he’s all about the apocalypse, he needs to be in Mayan territory for the end of the world.

Oh, speaking of the end of the world as a Fortean, you want to know what that whole thing is about? Forteans knew about the end of the Mayan calendar long before it became the cool thing on the internet to know about. I used to joke with my girlfriend that if the Mayan calender were coming to an end, it must mean the end of the world. As did most Forteans. And then people on the internet got wind of the end of the world thing and the joke spread. And then the Coast to Coast people got hold of it, and it became real shit and they began spreading the joke as if it were real prophecy. Look, people. There is no Mayan Prophecy about the end of the world. It’s just where their calendar ended. If someone makes a fucking calendar, it has to end somewhere no matter how far into the future you plan it out. It’s still going to fucking end because the calendar maker’s wrist is going to fucking cramp up and he’s going to go to bed and then he’s going to wake up with a whole bunch of Spanish assholes marching in on horses ruining everyone’s good time. So everyone trying to sell the idea of a Mayan Prophecy is just an asshole trying to make money. I’ve got a fucking fifteen year old stack of Fortean Times Magazines sitting here on my desk. Believe me. This joke was old fifteen years ago. That’s all it was. A Fortean gag picked up by mainstream assholes and psychic pretenders. The fucking end.

And back to Helspont, the arrogant son of a bitch. When Voodoo kills his guard, he acts all aloof and above it all. “Ha ha! Is killing in my name supposed to impress me? You act as if I care about life.” *swoon* He’s the baddest assest of all asses that are baddest assiest!

What the fuck is a “desitny,” you stupid motherfucker? Is Helspont drunk on virgin’s blood?

Helspont, the arrogant asshole, tells Voodoo of the Daemonite City of the Dead! Ooooh! Is she going to have to fetch the Necronomicon and sputter, “Klaatu Barada Niktu” while picking it up? Unless Barada is really Verata. I only know the phrase as the three different Star Wars figures from Return of the Jedi. Anyway, Helspont tells Voodoo all about it.

“The Europa Moon rotating Jupiter?” Is there a generator on Europa that keeps Jupiter spinning? Fuck you, Josh Williamson, for not being able to put a sentence together. I’m ashamed to share Portland’s air with you. I wonder if you’re going to go see Greg Rucka on the 23rd at the mystery bookstore on Hawthorne! Maybe I should go laugh at you!

Of course Voodoo wants to please her master Helspont, so she jerks him off and offers to fly to Europa to visit the Daemonite city of the Dead. But she’s apparently forgotten about the Monolith’s warning to leave Europa alone! There’s going to be trouble!

But Helspont needs to test Voodoo before he sends her to Europa. That sounds stupid. Just send her to Europa! If she fails, get a different hybrid to do it. If she fails this test, you’re not going to just send her anyway on the slight chance she brings back the super secret awesome Dick Dastardly weapon hidden on Europa? Yeah. Just fucking send her. Enough with the tests.

Meanwhile, Priscilla is being tested by Lincoln of the Blackhawks Black Razors. Voodoo passes but Priscilla is still holding back. So Axel Walker is brought in to train her. He’s probably from the Wildstorm Universe. Or maybe Josh Williamson thought of him all by himself.

So Helspont has a ship all ready to go. Voodoo hops in and takes off for Europa. Pris feels it and senses Voodoo’s plan. Lincoln has a Daemonite ship of his own and he gets together a team of Black Razors to crew the ship while Pris flies it. Everyone is off to Europa for some fun in the distant, distant sun.

Her nose wouldn’t bleed so much if she just kept her finger out of it.

Voodoo #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate this comic book.

Voodoo #8

I guess it’s up to Priscilla to stop Voodoo with some mystical clone attachment. And a hug.

Maybe I’m just not in the mood to read comics. Or maybe Josh Williamson just doesn’t plot a good story.

Okay, okay. How about you explain Issue #8 to me? Then I don’t have to spend any actual time thinking about it.

Voodoo Issue #8 Rating: No change. Well, there you have it! Straight from the fake author’s mouth! It’s a brilliant work of pure genius*! What more can I say?

*Not actually brilliant or pure genius.

Voodoo #7

I’ve heard people say “Less is more” and I think I finally get it! Less Voodoo would be more enjoyable!

Voodoo has just killed a dozen Daemonites in the War Council’s ship as she searches for answers. Another guard tries to take her away and she kills that one too.

Oh fucking just kill her already.

So the Daemonites apparently made a special hybrid that they can’t kill. They also futzed with Grifter in some way (is he also a clone?! Perhaps he’s like Priscilla Kitaen with some powers because he was experimented on and there’s a Grifter/Daemonite Hybrid out there like Priscilla’s Voodoo? I’m pretty sure that has to happen now) and they can’t kill him either. I think these Daemonites need to knock off their genetic experiments before they eliminate their entire race.

The High Commander of the War Council decides to answer Voodoo’s questions because the Daemonites don’t seem to have a weapon aboard their War Ship that can stop her. He takes her into a room with Superboyesque clone tanks and gives her a story.

Oh bullshit.

“When you first came to Earth?” You mean thousands of years ago? When did you exactly notice humans turning into super heroes? Do you consider The Shining Knight a super hero? That’s just something you noticed right off when you first came to Earth then. And why did you first come to Earth? Was it to conquer it? Why are you here? Why have you been hiding in the shadows for so long? Maybe he means when this particular War Ship first came to Earth about five years ago! I’ll buy that.

Thanks for the summary, Josh!

After the explanation, the War Council Leader sets all of the Voodoo failed experiments on Voodoo! She just killed dozens of Daemonites that are supposed to be really hard to kill (unless you’re Grifter) and now she just has to fight three shape-shifting lizard things? No problem! She’s been written into invulnerability at this point!

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Priscilla Kitaen (the original Voodoo) is pissed off because nobody rescued her quickly enough. But she agrees to help Black Jack and Fallon catch Voodoo so that she can appear more magnanimous and caring than they are.

Meanwhile meanwhile back on the ship, Voodoo has blown a hole in the side of the ship (with WHAT?!) so her developmentally retarded clone siblings would be sucked out and into space.

Or it’s a new writer that didn’t like the limit Marz had set.

Voodoo kills her clones but wishes it were her dying instead. No she doesn’t. She just killed all three of them with her own hands. Just jump out the hole you blew in the side of the ship (HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!) if you really want to die. But she doesn’t want to. Instead, she kills all of the clones being made in all of the tubes on the ship. And then she threatens to destroy the Daemonite ship as well (please do it. Please. I’m already bored to tears by them). But the Daemonite Lord has a different offer.

Aha! The hybrids are LGBT! And now Voodoo will lead them all!

Voodoo accepts the deal and the Daemonites send her back to Earth exactly where she was when she left. And it just so happens Fallon, Black Jack, and Priscilla are there snooping around for clues! The confrontation goes something like this:

Priscilla: You ruined my life!
Voodoo: Oh, you.
Priscilla: You’re not real!
Voodoo: I’m real.
Priscilla: Why did you do this to me?
Voodoo: I wondered why someone did this to me as well but I got over it pretty quickly when I was assured that I still believed in the Daemonites and I also go a pay raise.
Priscilla: What?
Voodoo: The Daemonites never loved you!
Black Jack: Calm down ladies!
Voodoo: I’ll kill you!
Black Jack: Oh, I highly doubt that!

Whoops!

Voodoo Issue #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I did not enjoy this issue in the least. After nearly every piece of dialogue, I released an exasperated exhalation of breath. It was mostly awful. That’s reflected in my commentary because I truly didn’t know what to write or what to think at times. My hope is that Voodoo just kills her original and the comic follows Voodoo as she tries to destroy the Earth. And of course she’ll end up in a sexual relationship with Grifter at some point as well. Inevitable.

Voodoo #6

Have Voodoo’s breasts become more pendulous?

Voodoo has just discovered that she’s a clone. That’s the kind of revelation (or as Scott Lobdell calls it, “holy grail”) that can induce serious Narration Boxing. I’m not really looking forward to a comic filled with angst-ridden “Who am I really?” and “Who created me and for what reason?” questions. Hopefully Voodoo will just suck it up and continue to think of herself in the same terms she thought of herself before she found out she was a clone.

What do you call it when you laugh out loud and mutter, “Fuck,” at the same time? Because that’s what I did after reading the FIRST panel of Voodoo #6!

WHO AM I? Can I conceal myself forevermore? Pretend I’m not the stripper I was before? And must my stripper name before I die be no more than an alibi?

So what are you? A trick of the light? A figment of someone’s imagination (well, okay, technically that’s what you really are! But I mean if you were really real than how could you be unreal by learning you’re a clone as opposed to your being unreal because you’re a comic book character and whether or not you’re a clone doesn’t really matter)?

See? You are your own person! You were a kerchief! I mean a do-rag!

This is what happens when you equate your job with sense of self. Lose the job and you lose everything. But Voodoo should be elated at this discovery. It means she’s free! No more orders from alien mob bosses. No more secret missions. No more hunting and killing and espionage. She can go do whatever she wants! I mean, she was always free to do that stuff anyway. But now she’s been given a free pass to do these things without feeling bad about letting her superiors down. There’s another Voodoo out there! And she’s the original! She can fucking do the job herself!

That button Voodoo pressed cancelled the transmission of the Super Hero files to Voodoo’s Daemonite leaders. She’s decided to figure out the truth about who she is and why she was created before she’ll help out the Daemonites. I’m not even sure why she wants to know that much. You’ve got a fresh start and a corvette, bitch! Hit the road! Go check out the Badlands and Devil’s Tower and Little Big Horn and the Redwood Forest!

Why are so many people so concerned with finding their identity outside of themselves? How does that even work? What does finding out why the Voodoo clone was created and by whom have anything to say about the Voodoo clone’s idea of self? It might answer some questions that are nagging her about how she came to be. Like a small child wondering how it was created. But that isn’t going to change anything in her own mind and how she feels about herself. Stop looking to the outside world to define you, people. You are not your possessions. You are not your parents. You are not your job. You are a culmination of your own thoughts and experiences. You create you with a little help from the chaotic randomness of the universe and the things it throws at you. But you aren’t the tornado or the lightning strike or the bear attack; you are how you deal with those things.

After Voodoo escapes through some kind of hyperspace portal as the Daemonite battleship explodes, the scene returns to the Black Razor base where the original Voodoo is being held. Once again, a caption reminds the reader that the Black Razors are “a super secret organization that hunts rogue alien technology threatening mankind.” What makes it SUPER secret versus just secret? Is it super secret because everyone else in the DC Universe doesn’t know about it as opposed to secret like the Blackhawks and Suicide Squad that everyone seems to know about but they all just pretend it doesn’t exist?

Black Jack and Fallon have arrived to break the original Voodoo out of Black Razor custody before they kill her. They think with her help they can catch the Voodoo clone. Really? This sounds like a case of importing foxes to Australia to deal with the rabbit problem. Why is the original Voodoo going to care or comply? After you break her out, you’ll just have two problems to deal with! And once they meet up, they’ll probably act like long lost siblings.

Oh, don’t worry about hiding behind the moon. Earth can’t spot anything in orbit.

Meanwhile, behind the moon, the Daemonites watch and wait! Or something. I guess about a billion also watch and wait on Earth while pretending to be human. I think what they’re waiting for is the Intel on Earth’s Superheroes that Voodoo is supposed to deliver. I’m a bit unclear on why the Daemonites are so concerned with Earth and have been for thousands of years. Do they want to conquer it? Or are they just hanging around to destroy Camelot every time it pops back up. Were the Daemonites the men on the grassy knoll? Did they kill John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr., and Malcolm X? Was Nixon a Daemonite?

Voodoo has transported herself to this ship so that she can confront the War Council and figure out why she exists. She confronts Skinny the redneck Daemonite and his lackettes while on board. She kills skinny more easily than she’s killed any other Daemonite in the book but lets the girls go since she “still believes in the cause.”

Back on Earth, Agent Fallon and Black Jack break Priscilla (the original Voodoo) out of the Black Razors facility and make a break for it. Black Jack mentions that their “real boss” will be pissed when he finds out what happened. And their real boss is Lincoln of the Blackhawks. But he’s not really that pissed.

So that’s what the ‘super’ in super secret means! It’s the secret group of a secret group!

I guess someone realized that the Blackhawks and the Black Razors were redundant. I bet a bunch of editors were in a meeting discussing it when some sharp wit noticed that they both had ‘black’ in the title and why couldn’t they be PART OF THE SAME GROUP!!!!! Those was the fantasy person’s extra excitement and his extra exclamation points and not my own. And it made good sense to merge them at this point because it keeps the Blackhawks in the DCnU even after their title was cancelled. Just like Mister Terrific is heading to Earth 2. And OMAC is in Justice League International. And Static Shock will probably become a Teen Titan. And Men of War was simply renumbered and retitled to G.I. Combat. And Hawk and Dove, um, well, Liefeld will probably stick them in Deathstroke or one of his other titles.

And back on board the spaceship for a check-in with Voodoo. She makes her way to the War Council and kills dozens of Daemonite guards. I guess Hybrids are more powerful than the pure Daemonites. Or else they infused Voodoo with some kind of Daemonite super power when they experimented on and then cloned her.

The Fallen One was that thing in Grifter where he battled Midnighter.

This is the war council discussing matters just before Voodoo breaks in demanding answers and ends the comic. I don’t understand why they’ve been hiding in the shadows. If the something that is coming is the conquering of Earth, then perhaps they shouldn’t have waited so long. It’s as if they waited until they had problems. They couldn’t attack until they learned how to defeat the super heroes but why didn’t they attack before the super heroes were around? Did they try and was it Stormwatch that has always held them at bay? Or maybe for the last thousand years, it was simply an advance team on Earth trying to keep the Earthlings from getting to a point where they couldn’t be defeated which is why they destroyed Camelot every time it sprang up? Why were they only able to attempt the summoning of the Black Curate once they had Grifter as a sacrifice? I hope the answers that are supposedly going to be given next issue answer some of these questions!

Voodoo Issue #6 Rating: No change. Nothing special going on here! At least not for me.

Voodoo #5

OMG! Big reveal! Voodoo is a Daemonite!

The first thing I noticed was Voodoo has a new writer for this issue! I imagine that’s because Voodoo was not a big seller for the first few months so DC is quickly trying to turn things around. But I doubt low sales figures have much to do with writers when the character is new to the DC Universe (not brand new, of course, being from Wildstorm). And the new writer being brought in is a new guy at DC. I didn’t look up too much about him but I guess he’s writing the Uncharted comic for DC right now. Since I don’t know shit about Ron Marz, the previous writer, it doesn’t matter much to me that DC made the switch. Let’s see how good the story is!

Voodoo has taken her Corvette to a top secret archaeological dig in the Midwest. I don’t think it’s the same one that The Rot took over in Animal Man because this one doesn’t have bones in it. It has a gigantic Daemonite spaceship! I’ll let Voodoo explain.

I like how Josh doesn’t beat around the bush about Voodoo being a Daemonite since it’s already been so obvious.

The guy who has been hunting Voodoo is waiting for her aboard the Battleship. She has trouble reading his mind so she flashes some cleavage at him because that always makes men’s minds easier to read. Except that all you end up reading is “Tits tits titty fuck tits tits possibility of anal?”

The guy waiting for her is a pure blood Daemonite who has problems with hybrids. What a racist asshole! He’s there to kill Voodoo! But I bet Voodoo kills him! Or fucks him! Hmm, probably kills him.

The tentacles sticking out of the mouth is so the reader knows he’s a Daemonite. It’s the equivalent of Vampires in Buffy always being bumpy faced so you know they’re Vampires.

It looks like Voodoo kills this guy pretty easily in a few panels. Nothing explicit though, so he may not be dead. She swings a claw and blue fluid splashes up. Then the scene changes to a Black Razor military base. And we get an editor’s note about the Black Razors!

Don’t The Blackhawks do that already? I guess since both organizations are super secret, they don’t know that they’re redundant! Although Blackhawks have been cancelled, so it’s probably good that the Black Razors exist.

Fallon is being put on indefinite leave because of her anger issues. I guess she acted angry last issue but I don’t remember it that well. When she’s bitching, she thinks, “Should have just joined The Blackhawks.” Ha! Well, I guess they do know about each other! I think the difference is the Blackhawks are run by the United Nations and the Black Razors are either a private organization working with the United States Government or they’re actually just a government group.

Black Jack appears and gets really angry as well because they let Voodoo escape four times. But Fallon suddenly has a Holy Grail! I mean, a revelation! She thinks she has one last chance to catch Voodoo so she and Black Jack take off. I don’t know what’s going on but I bet they encounter Voodoo! And I bet they make friends with her because that blurb that begins the comic says Voodoo may be mankind’s greatest saviour! Or something like that.

Back to Voodoo, she didn’t kill the Daemonite that easily. She just wounded him, I guess, because they’re having a big comic book battle! Voodoo’s strength is waning because it’s hard to keep her lizardy form for very long. So she tries one last time to read the Daemonite’s mind and succeeds, sort of. She sees a vision of Grifter and feels the Daemonite’s fear. She sees a vision of Stormwatch and senses the Daemonite feels trapped. She also sees a baby in a Star Wars healing tube and Grifter on the table at the time of the botched transfer. I don’t know what it all means but maybe Voodoo does!

But in the end, she just uses her ability to transform to win the battle.

Gross! It’s like biting into Tidal Wave gum, Brain Flavoured.

After the battle, Voodoo uploads all of her information to the Battleship to be sent to her alien buddies so they’ll know how to defeat all of the Super Heroes of Earth. While uploading, she notices a file on her, so she takes a peek to see what the humans know. What she finds out is that they don’t actually know anything about her. They know about someone exactly like her that they currently have in custody.

Does this mean Voodoo will tie in to Superboy and Gen-13 as well as Grifter and Stormwatch?

This other Voodoo is the person Fallon suddenly remembers and rushes off with Black Jack to interrogate. The other Voodoo was scheduled for execution which is why Fallon was in such a hurry. So they arrive and, well, that’s the big reveal and the end of this issue!

The whole clone reveal doesn’t really interest me one way or another. But the flow and movement of the plot in this issue kept me interested. Just like the last issue of Grifter, I don’t know what’s going on! Am I just in a generous mood this morning? This comic was enjoyable and, seeing as how I am in a generous mood, I’ll move it up the ranks one slot.