Who is The Cosmic Butcher? Galactus’s chef? Darkseid’s meat cutter? A piece of shit new villain thought up by Tom DeFalco?
Great. Another book by Tom DeFalco. I keep forgetting how many books this guy writes. I especially hate that every time Scott Lobdell leaves a title, I feel a rush of exhilaration and hope! And then I learn that Tom DeFalco has taken over the title and it’s like nothing has even changed. These two “writers” are completely interchangeable in my book. This month, DeFalco is writing Legion Lost, Superboy, and…shit…Nightwing. He’s been on Superboy and Legion Lost for awhile now and they both suck. But Nightwing was chugging along really well! Why does DC want to tank that comic book? What does Dan Didio have against Dick Grayson?
That’s 3 comics out of 52 that I have little hope for. Let’s take a brief look at the others. And since I don’t actually look at solicits or spoilers, I’m just going to assume whoever wrote a book’s Zero Issue is going to become the main writer on a book.
Next up, Scott Lobdell. He’s been ruining Teen Titans and Red Hood and the Outlaws since the beginning. But now he’s pulled down Superman’s pants and is having his way with him. Right in front of me, too! That makes 6 out of 52 comics with no hope of ever being enjoyable.
Even though the internet is the wild west and mostly uncensored, I can’t even begin to describe what Howard Mackie is doing to The Ravagers and the English language without the average citizen calling for my head on a chopping block. The acts I would have to describe could hardly be tolerated by even the most bohemian of souls. That makes 7 out of 52 stroke-inducing medical horrors.
Next to him, the nasty Ann Nocenti. Her horrid writing causes creeping ulcerations of the skin. She’s currently in charge of Green Arrow and Catwoman. Poor, poor Catwoman. Another title that I felt was doing real justice to the character. But now, Selina Kyle isn’t even Selina Kyle anymore! This takes the total of New 52 shit to 9 out of 52 comic books.
Grifter and Deathstroke are going through some changes but I’m pretty sure at least one of those books will continue to suck the life from my fragile psyche. I’ll stand by 10 of the New 52 as being unreadable. And that’s because I’m letting Duane’s Birds of Prey off the hook for now! Basically my comic book store (Excalibur on Hawthorne in Portland, Oregon as seen in the movie The Comedians of Comedy) can just shove 10 pieces of dog shit in my pull box every month and I wouldn’t fucking notice the difference.
Now that everyone who was interested in hearing about Legion Lost have just stared into my bias as if they were trying to catch a fly ball coming out of the sun (sue me! It was the last metaphor left on the shops and the owner was closing), let’s enjoy Legion Lost #13!
Let’s begin with an experiment! I have yet to look at the first page so let me guess, in general, what it will be. A full page splash of a static image with five different narration boxes! Come on, DeFalco! Don’t fail me now!
Ugh! Even on this far off world, people play soccer.
Okay, okay! I can admit when I’m wrong! And I can’t even complain about those Narration Boxes! Those are full glory comic book omniscient narrator box perfection! And look at Pete Woods bulldog four armed ant aliens. Those guys are really nice mix of cute and grotesque. Speaking of Pete Woods, I wonder if he’ll draw one for me since he’ll be at Excalibur Comics on Sunday for Women of Wonder Day!
Oh look! My step-uncle, the Mayor of Portland (and assistant to the mayor of Portlandia!), declared this day official! The previous six years of this event were unofficial and underground. It was totally punk rock. Nobody needed your affirmation, Sam!
So that’s probably the Cosmic Butcher falling from the sky in the last panel. He must be a lot like Galactus but instead of eating planets, he filets them. I bet Earth is next on his list.
But how is Legion Lost going to know what to do in this comic book if the threat hasn’t gotten to them yet? They can’t just decide on their own actions and act like interesting people? I’m confused!
Oh wait. Psychic vision to the rescue.
Tellus feels millions of voices cry out in terror and then are suddenly silenced. And he smells pepperoni and corned beef. Tyroc orders Wildfire to investigate even though Tellus says whatever he just felt happened too far away for him to pinpoint. But at least Legion now has a reason to act! Although I was kind of curious as to why they were hiding out in a warehouse full of Mardi Gras floats. I guess it’s their new hideout.
Wildfire does as he’s told without starting another fist fight. Maybe this group is maturing.
Tyroc and Chameleon Girl argue (making it the second argument between members in four pages) causing Chameleon Girl to have a flashback revealing her secret. Finally! She is a member of the Science Police and working for Echo Team to find a rogue science agent operating in the past. So none of that is really new. But her secret is confirmed! And then Tyroc’s secret gets hinted at just like in every other issue.
I think Tellus is singing Simon and Garfunkel lyrics.
Here are the clues to Tyroc’s secret: He knows a prophecy and he’s visited a tombstone. They still have tombstones like that in the 31st Century? Maybe he time traveled when he was a young boy and saw his own name on a tombstone in the 21st century. That’s the prophecy! Ka-ching! I just guessed another plot point!
Meanwhile, Wildfire flies through space pitying himself and how he’s losing Dawnstar and he’s going to dissipate when his containment suit finally finishes cracking (hurry up already!) when he runs into The Cosmic Butcher! Too bad Tellus didn’t know where the thing was because it was so far away but he could tell the direction it was traveling which could have extrapolated where the thing was coming from but might have involved some higher math which is hard.
“Light years in milliseconds”? Let’s say one light year per millisecond since he’s just estimating. That means The Cosmic Butcher is 31,558,464,000 times faster than light. Holy shit! And also, how the fuck did Wildfire see it coming? If he’s seeing it coming here and now at that speed, that means it’s already destroyed Earth, right?
Wildfire is confronted by a man that moves through space without protection. The man’s thoughts project into Wildfire’s head in a language which Wildfire can understand. He travels 31,558,464,000 times faster than the speed of light. He swings a whip through the vacuum and his left hand is a pulse laser. He’s riding a dragon through space at incredible speeds and needs a saddle to do it. But what is Tyroc most amazed by? What really freaks him out?
Because that’s just plain goofy.
Meanwhile back in the present which is Legion’s past, Timber Wolf tells Gates that the Echo team sends back witnesses to crimes that need protecting. Okay, that makes more sense than what I believed by bad reading comprehension due to boredom from an earlier issue. I thought they were sending criminals back in time just to free up some room in the prisons. And Timber Wolf has a memory of something called The Dark Star Syndicate threatening him.
And then my amazing comic plot guessing powers are once again confirmed!
I should feel really, really bad that I think like Tom DeFalco.
Back in space, Wildfire and Lord Daggor (with Thraxx, his mount!) continue to battle although most of the battle is covered up by thought bubbles and intergalactic telepathic speech balloons. Thraxx uses the term “warrior born.” Where the fuck did that term come from? I’m going to consult Lord Google!
Lord Google is a blathering idiot. “Methinks you would like to discuss Xena? Or perhaps this Yugi-oh card I found interesting? Maybe this information on The Ultimate Warrior will interest you? No? Well then what you want apparently doesn’t exist. Good day.”
The Cosmic Butcher’s cosmic rays are much more powerful than Wildfire’s cosmic rays. Maybe if Wildfire makes friends with this guy, he can learn how Lord Daggor encases his rays safely and maybe build a better suit! Then he can discard his cracked facemask in the Arizona desert and return to the future. After they fix Flashpoint, of course.
Would you rather we called it Xerxe’s Triumphant Den of Innuendo and Laser Tag?
Back on Earth (specifically Mongolia), Harvest is busy watching his plan come to fruition. Most of his plan seems to consist of waiting. And what he was waiting for was either The Cosmic Butcher or a Time Bubble which appeared in the Arizona desert. Uh oh! That can’t be good! Tellus feels the bubble arrive and Legion heads off to investigate. Once again, good thing for visions and psychic impressions!
The Time Bubble seems to be an actual Time Bubble because who the fuck cares about the Flashpoint rule when you have a shitty story to tell? Besides, doesn’t Flashpoint only affect the one dimension? So this can take place in another timeline! Except it can’t so maybe this is all just a trick by Harvest. That’s why he has extra time bubbles. For tricks like this. But then how to explain when Legion Lost used Harvest’s time bubble to go to the dead future?
Anyway, the guy in the time bubble is Captain Adym of the Science Police. He’s the one that sent back Chameleon Girl and recommended Timber Wolf to Legion. He says he came back to save all time and space from a rip in reality that was about to occur. And then Wildfire crashes near them and The Cosmic Butcher appears to kill them all. Oh Legion Lost! Always getting into such crazy scrapes.
And then the Next Issue Blurb seems to be actively warning you to not pick up the next comic.
Umm…no thank you.
Legion Lost #13 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic book continues to be a room temperature mess. It’s not exciting. It’s not intriguing. Legion Lost is the most passive group of boring dirtbags I’ve ever read about, relying completely on outside stimulus before they do anything at all. I hope it’s 201X so I can watch Tyroc die.