Batman and Robin #14

I have no idea what’s going on here. Are the zombies from last issue equipped with Joker joke chattering teeth?

I can’t stop staring at this cover. I want to say something about it but I can’t. It has me mesmerized. It’s oddly one of the most disturbing comic cover images I can currently recall. It shouldn’t be! I’m sure that’s just a toy, right? But why all the blood? Probably because Batman and Robin is still the bloodiest comic in The New 52. But what’s with the kryptonite barbell? Or is that just some kind of gag so the toy teeth don’t go on a further rampage?

Maybe those were the teeth that bit off Alfred’s ear?!

Last issue, Gotham City was under attack by zombies during an eclipse. Is this eclipse going to be important over in The Black Diamond Probability crossover? Why even ask that stupid question? Of course it is!

Batman is currently swinging around Gotham tranquilizing all of the so-called zombies. They’re definitely living people that didn’t crawl out of the graves he investigated earlier. Robin discovers the bodies from the graves later that night when he’s kidnapped by the hungry people acting like zombies. They’re piled up in the sewers. Looks like The Saturn Club wants people to think zombies have risen from their graves while they rob a bank or something. Maybe devour all of Gotham’s children.

Does Robin have permission to kill people who try to eat him?

The Saturn Club members are kidnapping people so they can drink their blood and live forever. That’s why they all keep chanting, “Eat to live.” Robin manages to cause a diversion and escape with all of the kidnapped citizens. The whole time, Batman is trying to contact Damian but Damian doesn’t respond because he’s a little busy saving lives.

At this point, poor Robin can’t win. He was supposed to remain at home since Leviathan still has the bounty out on his head, so Batman is going to be pissed to find out he took off to search the sewers with his metal detector. And now he isn’t responding to Batman’s messages which probably pisses the Bat off to no end. So even if Robin saves every single person in Gotham, he’s still going to get a stern lecture from Batman about everything he did wrong while not getting a single warm fuzzy from Batman about what he did right. Normally Alfred would be there to lend an ear but he currently doesn’t have any to spare! Also, he’s not around because he’s helping out with The Joker’s party for Batman.

Batman finally catches up to Robin and the Saturn Club zombies.

That’s an encouraging sign! He’s not telling him to go to his room.

After they incapacitate all of the drugged out zombie people, Batman tells Damian the results of the analysis he ran on the victims. They were drugged by The Joker. The Joker is behind this whole Saturn Club romp which made Batman worry even more that Damian had allowed himself to be taken.

I wonder if Tomasi had already been working on this story when he was informed he was going to have to write to The Death of the Family crossover so he just changed the ending of his Saturn Club story to fit it in. Perhaps he wasn’t sure if he might be crossing over with The Black Diamond Probability as well and that’s why the whole thing began with an eclipse! So the leader of the Saturn Club could have been The Joker or Eclipso or a completely different, maybe new, threat! Whatever the case, the whole incident gives Batman time to discuss his feelings with Damian.

Don’t worry, Batman. DC knows better than to trust a character’s life to the fans ever again.

This is usually where Alfred stops shoveling Batcow manure and clears his throat and motions to Batman to hug his fucking kid. Since Alfred isn’t here, Batman has to remember that family really matters by finding his mother’s pearl sitting on the console of the bat computer. Hmm, I wonder who could have left that there after doing the dusting? The gentle nudge makes Bruce remember what’s important and grounding Damian and making him feel bad isn’t it.

The Joker’s right. Batman is getting fucking soft.

Normally this would bode poorly for Damian! He’s getting what he needs from his father just as The Joker is coming to town to tear the Bat Family apart. In most literature, Damian would be a walking corpse at this point. All the signs point to his death. But even Robin is too important to Grant Morrison’s Batman Incorporated so nobody is getting the go ahead to kill the little twerp.

Batman and Robin #14 Rating: No change. This story really did feel like the ending pulled a big editorial switcheroo and ended up in a place it had no intention of going. I’m not judging the story for that; it was fine for what it was. But like last issue, it wasn’t really anything of note. If Damian is killed by The Joker, I’ll edit this and give the comic a +2 since that ending scene screams, “Damian is going to die!” But come on! Who really thinks anything like that would happen?

Batman and Robin #13

“Shift + r” and “Shift + e” are not currently making capital letters when I type them. At least not in the Tumblr main text box. That’s going to make typing Robin over and over a real pain in my ass. I get around the problem by using Caps Lock. Get your shit together, Tumblr! Your reblog shortcuts are fucking up the interface!

Batman and the Boy Wonder are flying up to a cloaked communications satellite in space to make sure its orbit doesn’t get fucked up from the encroaching eclipse. That’s another object orbiting the earth hidden from the eyes of scientists and engineers. Does Batman take complete responsibility in making sure that his satellite doesn’t run into any other satellites or ships or space stations since nobody else can see it and therefore can’t avoid it? And why does Batman have to fly up to make sure the satellite’s orbit isn’t disturbed? Does that mean every other corporation or government has to send people up to their satellites to make sure they don’t get all wonky too? I think Batman is feeding Damian a line of bullshit just to spend some father-son time watching an eclipse in space. Coolest father ever, right?

After they set the manual controls on the satellite (remotely from the ship!), they spin around and Damian gets to see the eclipse from the moon’s view: a big black blot on the earth. And underneath that blot: Gotham. It’s symbolism or something!

Ha ha! I knew it! Batman, you big softie you!

Maybe when they land from their extended space flight, they’ll find zombies have taken over the world! Except isn’t The Rot taking over the world right now?

Batman decides to do a Dump and Run on police headquarters while Damian makes his first solo flight in the Batship taking it back to the cave. And somewhere in Gotham, the Saturn Club has begun a dark ritual of darkness.

Worshipers of Goya’s Saturn Biting the Heads Off His Children. (Fact check time with Lord Google: “The painting is called Saturn Devouring His Son, you boorish American twat. Tally ho and fuck your mother! Ta ta!”

Fuck you, Lord Google! Why did I ever upgrade to Pretentious Anthropomorphic Google? Normal Google was working just fine.

Robin lands the plane safely, feeds Titus, and calls for Alfred. But Alfred is too busy getting his head bashed in by The Joker to respond. But Robin has other theories as to Alfred’s whereabouts.

Mmm, Earl Grey. It smells like Fruity Pebbles!

Damian doesn’t feed or pay attention to Batcow. I hope Batcow is doing okay. I bet he’s really stinking up the Batcave although Titus has probably taken care of that himself. I bet Alfred actually takes care of all of the Bat-Animals. And now they’re all going to be neglected and die because The Joker has Alfred.

Batman’s investigation leads him to Mount Hope Cemetery where all of the police and Jim Gordon are hanging out. That’s pretty good detective work! A few groundskeepers at the cemetery were killed. But before they died, they called in a report of a zombie attack. Unless it was the zombies calling in the attack like in Return of the Living Dead. Or Night of the Living Dead. Or Late Afternoon of the Living Dead. But Batman does find a clue that it might be zombies after all: open graves! And the dirt was pushed up and out from below. Some detective! What if it were actually gigantic worms, hunh?

Meanwhile, Robin is back in the sewers with his metal detector looking for that thing he was looking for previously in another issue. What the fuck is this kid up to? He finds something and reaches down for it when he’s ambushed by…well, by whatever the fuck this thing is:

H.R. Puffenstuff? Is that you?

Robin defeats this guy pretty soundly (completely maimed but probably not dead since Damian wouldn’t want to get in trouble) when Batman calls him and tells him to get his ass home. He can’t be on the street when he’s worth 500 million dollars. Oh, and there might be some zombies roaming about. Telling Damian about the zombies is the wrong thing to do because now he refuses to head back. He stays to fight the zombies.

And loses! No, no. This is all just part of a diversionary tactic. He’ll put the second part of the plan into action next issue. I think the second part is “Don’t die.”

Batman and Robin #13 Rating: No change. This was a mediocre issue that was kind of boring. It’s the type of issue that doesn’t stick in my head. If not for this commentary refreshing my memory next month, I’d probably read issue fourteen having no memory of what the hell was going on.

Earth 2 #0

Nine years ago, the armies of Apokolips arrived on Earth 2. Earth 2’s defenders at the time were Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Terry Sloan, the world’s smartest man. How does one become the world’s Smartest Man? I suppose you simply declare yourself the smartest man on Earth. I guarantee that Earth 2 didn’t have some kind of contest to discover who was the smartest person on it. My guess is Terry Sloan is a pretty smart guy with a lot of ambition and a shit ton of self-promotion. But that doesn’t make him the smartest man in the world!

When Mister Terrific arrived on Earth 2 in Issue #2, he was instantly captured by Earth 2’s smartest man? Was it Terry Sloan? Probably since this issue begins with him at odds with Batman.

Smartest Man on Earth and he’s tangling with Batman? I don’t think so!

Portions of Earth’s population have been mesmerized by Darkseid’s anti-life equation.

So how are they any different from the non-anti-life masses?

Batman and Mr. 8, otherwise known as Terry Sloan, the Smartest Man on Earth 2, are on the case. Also fighting against Darkseid are Superman, Wonder Woman, Robin, Supergirl, Catwoman, and a mystery hero. Mr. 8 has discovered a portal to a mystery dimension which has somehow helped the heroes to keep the war at a stalemate.

Mr. 8 has developed a plan which involves driving Superman insane with his newly synthesized Opal Kryptonite.

The main difference between Earth One and Earth Two is the size of Wonder Woman’s boobs. All other differences stem from that.

While the rest of the heroes are fighting to free the anti-life equationed people, Mr. 8 realizes the hard truth of what must be done. The enthralled nations must simply be destroyed so that they do not cripple the free nations and supply Apokolips with mesmerized troops. With Superman insane and fighting Wonder Woman, Batman is the only hope of stopping Mr. 8. And he fails with his last chance Batball explosive. Mr. 8 pushes a button and blows a half dozen nations off the face of the globe.

Every time I try to type Mr. 8, I first end up typing Mr. * which is appropriate since he’s turned out to be a complete asshole.

Mr. 8 escapes into the Ninth Dimension, a place where he can see alternate futures and possibilities. He believes he knows what to do to save the world and he’s going to do it no matter what the cost. He’s basically Earth 2’s version of Ozymandias. His kidnapping of Mister Terrific in Issue #2 must be for a good reason even if he goes about everything the wrong way. He’s a believer in the ends justifying the means. Or the means justifying the ends. Or the ends meaning justification for the beginnings. Whatever.

Earth 2 #0 Rating: Adrian Veidtastic!

Dial H #0

I was going to call this post “Dial H for Zero” but didn’t want to confuse the easily confused. Also, the file name for the cover is DialH0.

According to the cover (and possibly Wikipedia), the rotary telephone was based on a mystic Sumerian device. I almost called it an Egyptian device before I switched that to Babylonian because of the woman holding it and then I noticed the cuneiform numbers and decided it was Sumerian. Too bad the rotary telephone didn’t maintain the outer dial with the astrological symbols. I wonder how those would work? “Hey babe, what’s your sign?” “Fuck you. I’m not giving you my phone number, you asshole.”

I hope the original dial was created by Enkidu to help Gilgamesh defeat the Humbaba.

Plot twist: The first Dial was a Sun Dial.

The original Dial took four days and six adults to dial up the transformation. Every day at noon the gigantic stone block had to be turned so that the shadow fell on the correct segment to create a shield emblem. Laodice, a woman who dreamed true dreams, and some other youths remained behind in the city while the rest of the inhabitants fled from some mysterious thing, hoping their armies outside the city might stop it.

On the fourth day just before noon, the mysterious thing bearing down on the city and its army appears: Mushussu, the beast of Babylon.

Is this where Mulan’s Mushu got his name?

Since this is the Beast of Babylon, I decided to actually look up the relationship between Sumer and Babylon to see why the Dial would have cuneiform. According to the great and almighty Wikipedia (which is merely just an old man and a bunch of territorial nerds behind a curtain), Babylon retained the Sumerian language for religious purposes although it was no longer a spoken language. And since the sundial has been here for as long as the people can remember, it’s probably Sumerian in origin while this story is taking place in Babylon. Anyway, why the fuck do I care? I should stop getting hung up on the details!

Or not! That’s the best part about reading comics. The visuals give so many clues to where something’s happening and what’s going on that a good writer doesn’t need to spell everything out in a page full of Narration Boxes.

So, back to the story, Laodice does not run from the Beast. She calmly waits for noon to arrive on the fourth day before touching the symbol on the sundial just as Mushussu approaches.

If this had been Sumer, that could have been Humbaba about to bite her head off.

Too bad for Mushusuu, he arrived a second too late.

Apparently the Dial’s power exists outside of time since I’m almost positive that Bumper Car is anachronistic. No, wait. Rereading the Wikipedia entry on Babylon, it says they invented the Bumper Car for the culminating event during their Festival of the Lost Penis (alternately known as The Festival of the Weeping Vagina).

Bumper Carla bumps the Beast into Fairground Hell and saves the day. Everyone rejoices and bows down to Laodice and thanks her for saving their lives. Laodice acts magnanimous and does not remind them how often they laughed and jeered at her when she was telling them her dreams. Except the few times she dreamt about fucking Ishtar on a stage with men throwing coins at them. They all wanted to hear that dream over and over again.

After Mushussu is gone, Laodice notices that the Wacky Sundial has disappeared cracked into rubble. Laodice becomes the city’s wise woman while her friend Stratonice travels the world seeking clues to the magic sundial.

Are those the hanging gardens! What an ancient wonder!

Laodice’s friend says she never found out any more about this man. But after a few panels where the speech bubbles are assigned to the wrong person, Laodice takes her friend down to the dungeon where she shows her a wizard that came to Babylon just three days ago. Perhaps this man was not following her but seeking where she had come from?

Shit! That looks like Nelson’s ham hand! Or Anguished Fat Guy’s!

But it’s not. It’s the hand of a man from another world. His name is Slim and he can open portals between worlds. He’s come to find Bumper Carla who is on a mission of vengeance. Because when Laodice used the Sundial, she stole Bumper Carla’s powers for a short time. In that time, many innocent people died in her home world of The Fair. Bumper Carla blamed the person who stole her powers. Through some better than Batman detective work and some fantastic research that probably involved Wikipedia, Bumper Carla figured out where her powers went. She portaled to Babylon and hunted down Laodice, killing her because Laodice never spoke with Slim to hear his warning. And that’s pretty much the end of that story.

So while China never gives us an origin for the Dial, he does introduce some serious conflict and problems with using the Dial. Nelson is stealing powers from beings from other worlds and dimensions to use as his own. During that time, they become normal. Does this mean every other issue will have Nelson fighting crime and then every other issue after that will be Nelson saving his own ass from the people he stole the powers from? Whatever the case, Nelson has already pissed off a hell of a lot of super powered people in the first few issues.

Dial H #0 Rating: Problematic!

New Guardians #10

Blue on Blue Crime.

The cover shows the Central Blue Battery crumbling just as the Central Red Battery has dissolved. The Yellow Battery is buried on Oa and the Indigo Battery Fountain is on the blink. I don’t know if there is an Orange one since there is just a single Orange Lantern and his small Battery. That leaves the Green Lantern Battery and the Star Sapphire Battery. I’m guessing that the Red Lanterns are going to shit all over the Violet Central Battery, leaving just the Green Central Battery active. And then the Oans are probably going to shut that motherfucker down and debut their new army. Hopefully something will happen that will allow all of the Lanterns to do away with the need to recharge their stupid rings since they might as well be continually at full capacity until the writer needs them to run out of juice. I’d like to see DC move away from that plot contrivance and allow the Lanterns to always be powered up.

Yeah, good idea, Kyle. Tell the Lanterns that thrive on hope that their situation is nearly hopeless.

Fatality and Arkillo (dragging along The Weaponer of Qward) soon appear and they all take the fight to the planet’s surface where the Blue Lanterns are hoping and praying and getting slaughtered.

The Blue Lanterns’ main attack is to heal the Reach victims so that they shed the Blue Beetle Armor but no one of them can accomplish this healing while they’re under attack by so many other Blue Beetles. So Saint Walker comes up with a plan! Combine their ringy-dings!

Really? All the fucking things are possible? All of them? What if I were to believe my fist was a vagina? Would that…woah. WOAH. BRB

This belief thing nearly works but I guess they just didn’t believe hard enough. They entrapped many of the Beetles in the healing light, including Khaji-Kai. But one of those not trapped commanded the warships above to blast the area. This caused the Blue Lanterns link to be severed and the healing light to dissipate. But it has had one positive affect: Khaji-Kai has hope he can be free of the Reach’s influence! He realized what the light was doing and now craves its help for himself and his fellow Blue Beetles.

The most feared warcry in all the universe.

Some other acceptable variants: “All will be smelled!”, “All will be gel!”, “All will be Taco Bell!”

As the fight rages on around him, the Weaponer of Qward takes an interest in the Blue Power Battery. Perhaps he’ll be the one to free all of the Lanterns from the need of a central battery?

Once Green Lantern arrives planet-side, the Blue Lanterns’ rings become charged with Willpower. I think that makes them deadly weapons or something. It unlocks Attack Beam Power and Construct Power! Now the Blue Lanterns are like Green Lanterns but without any Fear thrown in. Is that how it works? Are Green Lanterns composed of Hope and Fear? And Orange Lanterns composed of Rage and Fear? And Violet Lanterns composed of Hope and Rage? I don’t think Lantern colors mix the same way colors mix on the color wheel since light is, like, different or something.

Even though the battle against the Blue Beetles turns in the Blue Lanterns’ favor, the planet is already over halfway consumed by the Reach’s web-spinner things. The planet is lost. But I guess Blue Lanterns can’t retreat or surrender since that means they’ve given up hope which would mean they’d all lose their rings and die. But Kyle Raynor tricks Saint Walker into thinking of retreat differently so they don’t fucking kill themselves.

Oh, okay! You’ve convinced me to not get myself killed!

Everyone retreats from Odym while the Blue Beetles cocoon it and destroy the Blue Central Battery. Well, it isn’t destroyed yet. But those Blue Lanterns better find a nice safe planet to tuck into before the power in their rings runs out and they die floating in space. Meanwhile, Saint Walker thinks it’s time to bring the fight to Larfleeze whom he blames for this entire mess. Since the Rainbow Lantern Corps is supposed to be fighting Larfleeze so that Invictus doesn’t destroy an entire solar system, it’s probably a good thing they’re finally getting around to that. But my guess is that they’ll find Larfleeze has been manipulated just as badly as everyone else. And it’s about time the Guardians of Oa show their hand and release their stupid 3rd Army!

New Guardians #10 Rating: No change. I need to stop defending a rating of “No Change” by saying how good the comic is but it just wasn’t special enough. What I need to do is stop giving out +1s to every comic I enjoy. I enjoyed this comic. But no change is where they should stay unless they show something extraordinary. And they should only drop a rank if they really fucking do something stupid or seriously disrespect their audience. As it stands, this is one of my favorite “comic book” comics in The New 52. It’s everything I would have asked for in a comic back when I first began reading them. Adventure and action and a good plot that keeps marching on every issue. Although maybe I didn’t care so much about plot when I first began reading comics!

Red Lanterns #9

I can’t tell. Is Bleez still sexy even as a decaying zombie Lantern?

Bleez and her rebellion Red Lantern Corps have gone to Sector 876 and the planet Sarff Minor to begin their Cosmic Vengeance Program. She and her Corps destroy a race of beings that have been terrorizing other defenseless races on the planet. Bleez is hoping that Atrocitus will hear of this success and leave Ysmault to confront her. But she doesn’t realize that Atrocitus has his own problems.

Last issue, Atrocitus and the loyal Red Lantern Corps were growing sick because the Red Lantern Battery was poisoned. The Red Lanterns blame Rankorr, the new Red Lantern from Earth who got his Master’s Degree in English Literature which probably explains why he can speak like a normal person instead of spitting red vomit everywhere. Now it’s Rankorr versus half the Red Lantern Corps. But Rankorr has an advantage: he can actually use the Red Power Ring to make constructs from the Red Vomit!

They do now! You’re obsolete, Zillius!

Atrocitus appears to stop the fighting before 3 or 4 pages of comic are wasted on useless in-fighting. He claims the Red Lanterns are dead because the Red Battery has been destroyed. Hopefully he just means that metaphorically. You know? The old way of doing things is dead and now they need to learn a new way of surviving. Right?

Dex-Starr with Atrocitus’ crotch.

While Atrocitus calls Zilius a fool, Bleez and her Revolutionaries arrive on Ysmault to overthrow Atrocitus because she got tired of waiting for Atrocitus to come to her. I guess when you’re full of rage, waiting 30 seconds makes your head explode. Rankorr watches the fight in disbelief. To him, a human, these are all monsters and the fighting is horrendous and gory.

You know something? The Red Lanterns are a fucking mess. But I imagine a comic book title based on the Star Sapphires would be just as bad. Except instead of having every member constantly trying to kill every other member, it would just be panel after panel of hugs and compliments. This whole idea of having Galactic Security Forces that run off one single, specific emotion is just a terrible idea every way you look at it. Even the Green Lantern Corps has always had serious issues with the Power Rings choosing people with great Willpower yet no common sense (G’nort), no humility (John Stewart), no compassion (Guy Gardner), and no intelligence (Hal Jordan). Okay, maybe I got some of those names and faults wrong. I’m no Green Lantern scholar! But I think I made my point. Maybe.

While The Red Lanterns are fighting, the planet itself begins to tear apart. Rankorr seems the only one with his wits about him and tries to get the madness to stop. Because humans are, you know, different and special. Somehow.

I was low balling the time Bleez was off-planet with the 30 second line but it doesn’t seem like I was off by much by Bleez’s own admittance.

The Red Lanterns stop fighting once Atrocitus shows them the decaying Red Power Battery. They are all doomed a slow death unless they can fix the Power Battery. But they can’t do that until they know why Abysmus, the creature that poisoned the battery, was brought back to life and by whom. Atrocitus tells the Red Lanterns that they must abandon Ysmault and search for a cure for the battery. Bleez thinks they should go after the Star Sapphires. Atrocitus is going after Abysmus. And the others, well, I don’t know. I guess they’ll follow who they follow. But The Red Lanterns seem to have abandoned their plan as Cosmic Punishers. Instead, they have a more personal mission to attend to.

This comic needs more Dex-Starr.

Red Lanterns #9 Rating: No change. This comic book has been all over the place. I guess Red Lanterns don’t find it very easy to focus on anything. But this comic has been all prologue to stories that never develop. It’s like a kid who just can’t pay attention. First Atrocitus wanted to get his team under control so he gave Bleez intelligence. Then he couldn’t trust Bleez so he gave more Red Lanterns intelligence. Then he wanted to have the Red Lanterns become bringers of vengeance on those who deserved it. Then Krona disappeared and Abysmus showed up. Then Bleez really was rebelling even though she wasn’t before and it was just Atrocitus being paranoid. And then the Power Battery was poisoned and everything, even the rebellion, went out the window. And now, just now in Issue #9, it looks like The Red Lanterns are ready to get moving. It’s like they’ve been packing for a camping trip and everyone is finally in the car and ready to go. Fuck. Finally! Let’s see some action, Milligan!