Teen Titans #19

Last issue was a steaming pile of maggots decaying under a hot desert sun, so it’s best if we just forget about it and concentrate on the good things in life. One of those good things is not having had to read Teen Titans for a full month. But that bliss is now at an end. It’s time to see what Trigon and Raven have in store, once more, for the Teen Titans.

The issue begins with Wonder Girl asking a very reasonable question in an extremely unreasonable way.

Tim Drake is a greater genius than me so I won’t question why he gives Cassie ten seconds before trying to get her death grip off of his throat. I’m pretty sure she’s strong enough to crush his neck into sloppy goo in a fraction of a second, so time is of the essence in removing her hand. Meanwhile Kid Flash ineffectively runs around Cassie groping her and hoping she’ll be too distracted to kill Red Robin. At least I assume he’s merely groping her because anybody with super speed should be able to do more than simply tickle her and tell her to stop it.

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Teen Titans #18

Last issue, Red Robin had just introduced his Titans to their new headquarters on a boat in New York. Later that evening, he was possessed by Raven, fucked every member of his team, and then sat in his security monitor room laughing his ass off. I might have gotten some of that incorrect. But that’s okay because I’m just the guy reading the comic book. But the guy writing the comic book shouldn’t just drop all that stuff, right?

Fucking Scott Lobdell. I’m sure this issue begins in a dream since Tim Drake is crying while sitting in the Batmobile and dead Damian Wayne is telling him to stop being such a bitch. But even as a dream, it’s fucking ridiculous. It makes sense that Scott Lobdell can just crowbar this scene into his story since even he doesn’t know where any of his stories are going from month to month. So when he ended the issue with Raven taking over Tim Drake, he probably learned that Damian’s death would have to be dealt with in his next issue. While other writers already had stories that they probably had outlines for or had written much of when editorial forced them to shoe horn in a page or two mentioning Damian’s death, Scott Lobdell has the freedom to write as many pages as he wants dealing with Damian’s death because Lobdell probably didn’t have any notes for this issue except for “Raven comes to New York. Shit goes down.”

I’m not sure how or when Tim found out about Damian’s death since he was in Gotham when Damian died. Perhaps he was simply in denial as he traveled back up to New York and it wasn’t until Raven made him begin processing his feelings that he was able to have this hallucinatory conversation with Damian.

How many issues has it been where I said I hated Scott Lobdell’s writing? He’s the worst.

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Teen Titans #17

Why does Red Robin look so sad? It’s interesting that after all the tension and all the hype of Death of the Family, the only real thing that The Joker accomplished was hurting everybody’s feelings. What a twist! And now Red Robin has to deal with all of his feels. Except Raven is here to save the day! Suck out those emotions, Emo Girl!

Oh! Speaking of Raven, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT NEW COSTUME IS AWFUL! Oh geez. Sorry for yelling but I’ve been holding that in since my commentary on Teen Titans #16 where I lost a bet with myself and could only say nice things. Okay, I kind of complained about it as best I could in the parameters I gave myself. But seriously! That feathered face mask thing bugs the shit out of me. It’s a little bit reminiscent of her hood as the hood always came down to a point in the middle of her face. But it looks stupid. Or, to put it in more intellectual terms, it fills me with a ka-ka-doody feeling.

The issue begins with (possibly) Dr. Light sucking some kind of Light Bubble Power out of a young boy. Doctor Light seems awfully obsessed with showing children the “light and the way.” Wasn’t it revealed in the pages of the old Suicide Squad that he might have had a predilection for pedophilia? Or was that just some of the taunts he had to endure from other members since he fought the Teen Titans on so many occasions. Didn’t somebody somewhere suggest that he enjoyed being beaten by children? Was that it? Oh memory, you foul and mischievous imp.

Meanwhile the Teen Titans are enjoying an awkward limo ride back to New York from Gotham. It’s awkward because Red Robin’s Narration Boxes tell me it’s awkward. But it ends up not being so bad. Except when Bunker’s speech bubble says, “Como se yama?” Is that a thing? Do people often replace “llama” with “yama” in text so that it’s pronounced correctly? Maybe it’s one of those young things that I’m not hip to but Lobdell is. Another weird part is when Solstice tells Red Robin she thinks of him as a friend and he says, “That means more than you realize, Solstice.” But then he immediately follows up that reaction with a “Not really” Narration Box. What the fuck? Lobdell must make every moment ambiguous and full of attitude.

When they finally arrive in New York, Red Robin introduces them to their new home.

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Teen Titans #16

Someday I’d like to meet Scott Lobdell and have a beer with him. On that day, I’d apologize to him. I’d apologize for the fact that I was never, ever going to stop pointing out how badly he writes comic books. Of course there is a flip side to this promise! I also promise to never stop pointing out how well he writes comic books. Except that part has yet to happen so it seems like I’m completely biased against him. Now he has written a few good scenes but one or two scenes doesn’t constitute a comic book. I have a feeling Scott likes the idea of writing comic books more than he likes the act of writing. He probably likes coming up with characters and possible conflicts but then he doesn’t like having to write them in an interesting and believable way (I use believable in a very loose sense since I am talking about comic books here). Instead he writes a bunch of omniscient characters who seem to know how everything will turn out. But maybe this issue will be different!

If this issue doesn’t begin with Character X saying, “My name is Character X!”, I will comment on the comic book as if it’s the best thing I’ve ever read. I know that’s more of a Tom DeFalco thing but with Lobdell plotting and Nicieza doing dialogue, I have a feeling he might come through for me here.

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Red Hood and the Outlaws #16

Last issue I was slightly upset with Scott Lobdell’s writing. I guess I’m just not used to the meta-fiction he writes. I prefer my stories to “make sense” and have a “narrative structure” with a “coherent plot” and “motivated characters.” Instead I just get haphazard dialogue and inconsistent Narration Boxes shoved into a story that changes from page to page and lacks even a tenuous connection to logic. I think you have to be either very much smarter than me or very much dumber than me to enjoy his writing. And if you’re very much smarter than me, what the fuck are you doing wasting your time reading Scott Lobdell comic books? You should be curing medical conditions that someone with my limited intelligence can’t even spell. Actually, I might be able to spell them if I knew any actual medical conditions. Pemphagus. Nope. Can’t spell them since it’s apparently Pemphigus. But I don’t feel so bad since Spell Check doesn’t know how to spell it either! Ha ha! You’re stupid, Spell Check!

Jason Todd was captured by The Joker last issue except The Joker ended up with Red Hood. It makes sense if you squint your brain just right. Jason’s date, Isabel, died from a forced overdose by The Joker (just like The Joker did to Todd’s mom!) which was probably a good thing because she knew Red Hood’s identity and the whole issue in Death of the Family is the danger of random people knowing their identities. That was a close call, Lobdell! The next gigantic crossover could have dealt with Isabel realizing that Bruce Wayne was Batman and blabbing it all over Pinterest. Anyway, Jason Todd believed The Joker knew his identity because he was able to find him at Isabel’s house. But then The Joker revealed that he knew more about Jason Todd’s life than he should have known and Red Hood began to doubt The Joker knew anything at all. Again, you kind of have to tilt your brain a little to the right and squeeze your right hemisphere shut a bit until you feel like you’re about to pass out, and then blink rapidly and shake your head three times and you should see how it makes sense.

So by the end of Red Hood #15, Red Hood and Red Robin were stuck in a pit with The Joker laughing at them while Starfire and Roy Harper were playing Big Brother and Big Sister to the newer Teen Titans. And that’s probably where this comic book should begin but I’m not holding my breath. Unless that would help the story make sense?

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Teen Titans #15

This issue takes place some time between Teen Titans #14 and Red Hood and the Outlaws #15. At the end of Teen Titans #14, Red Robin had left New York to help Batman fight The Joker in Gotham. Solstice saw him leave of his own accord and that was that. Until later that night, they found a message from The Joker via a messed up Red Robin effigy in Tim Drake’s room. Now everyone believes Tim has been kidnapped by The Joker and Solstice doesn’t say anything. They rush off to Gotham to save Tim Drake.

Does this mean The Joker knows that Tim Drake is Red Robin? Yes, yes of course it does. Why else would it be in Tim Drake’s apartment? So while all of the other Death of the Family tie-ins kept telling the story in an ambiguous way so that the reader couldn’t be sure if The Joker was bluffing about knowing their identities or not, Scott Lobdell writes things that can only be explained if The Joker knows. So for Scott Lobdell’s sake, The Joker had better know!

Although, to play Devil’s Advocate with myself (the PG version!), the other Teen Titans don’t know that Red Robin is Tim Drake. Yet they have access to his penthouse which means that they could dig up who he is if they wanted. Which Tim Drake would never allow. So the Penthouse might actually be leased to Red Robin! Right? Maybe? Does that sound possible?

At the end of Red Hood and the Outlaws #15, Red Robin was unconscious and at the bottom of a hole in Gotham City. The other Titans were on the street battling Joker Thugs. So now this issue should fill in how they all got from over there to over there a little further.

Red Robin narrates the story from wherever the fuck he is (he probably was immediately kidnapped by The Joker because causality and Scott Lobdell have never met) and since he’s such a genius, he knows exactly how it will all go down. The Titans search his room and find Batgirl’s number. Check.
Wait. How the fuck does one get in contact with Batgirl without learning that she’s Barbara Gordon? She doesn’t have a Bat Signal? The Bat Family all have ways to communicate with one another but I can’t imagine that method is shared with anybody else ever. I bet Babs has a Batpager. Probably the only company still making Pagers is Waynetech. Anyway, they meet up with Batgirl in the city.

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Teen Titans #14

I want to know what the B Team is up to in New Jersey! Internet porn and refilling the ice bucket?

Superboy, Red Robin, and Wonder Girl have found themselves in a gigantic hole in the ground in Cambodia searching for Cassie’s lost Silent Armor which she never really wanted anyway. But dammit! That won’t keep her from retrieving it and putting it back on and demanding that nobody call her Wonder Girl! They’ve just discovered the cult of Trigon is somehow tied to the location where Cassie found the armor. And because his name has “Tri” in it, Tim Drake reveals that conspiracy theorists believe Trigon is the reason for all of the God Trinities ever.

And then Diesel shows up with his army of armor to defeat them. And then Cassie gets her hair pulled by one and somebody bloops. I don’t know what the sound effect “BLOOP” means in this context but Superboy yells Cassie’s name like it might be bad news. I think maybe she accidentally ingested some God Armor!

I take it back. I don’t care what the B Team is up to anymore.

No wait! I take back my take back! I want to see more of the C Team, if you know what I mean!

Does Solstice really need to shower? Isn’t she simply a steaming mass of sulfurous smell? Isn’t her body all cracked and smoking and smooth and lickable and voluptuous and nubile? Kurt Lance doesn’t seem to think so because he appears to her in a vision and tells her she’s making bad choices and if she weren’t making bad choices, she would look like a normal girl. I think he’s slut shaming!

Back in Cambodia, I guess the “BLOOP” noise was Cassie teleporting off to some secret inner sanctum with Diesel. He has all the power but she kept the lariat. She uses it to choke the life out of him for love. She gets her armor back and Diesel gets incorporated into her. I think. It’s all kind of boring and uninteresting. I really couldn’t be bothered to make any jokes. Even when they’re serving up meatballs like this:

I can’t wait until the day I find these characters interesting.

The entire team returns to Titans Tower which is actually Lex Towers. Wonder Girl’s boring origin story is finally over. I suppose Solstice’s boring origin story will be next. Or maybe we’ll get to learn about Bart and what year he’s from. Or maybe the team will actually stop a threat to humanity instead of being a threat to humanity.

Oh look! There’s the C Team! I guess Solstice wasn’t wearing the towel for modesty.

Finally, Solstice is visited by Kurt Lance again who says his super power is being able to tweak other people’s meta-gene. But he has to rush off because Black Canary is calling or something. The editor’s note says to see current issues of Birds of Prey but those don’t help at all. I guess the weird feeling Dinah has been having is somehow calling to Kurt. And then Red Robin rushes off to Gotham to fight the Joker. But the issue ends with a doll left in Red Robin’s room which leads everyone to believe Red Robin was kidnapped by the Joker. Even though he told Solstice he was leaving and she watched him go.

Also, Bunker decides to notice some looks passing between Cassie and Tim so that the reader can learn that Cassie might have feelings for Red Robin. Why not? She hates Superboy and she doesn’t trust Red Robin but she has to have a love interest for the fandom, right? And Kid Flash is boinking a sulfur pit. And Bunker seems to have a thing for himself. So everyone else is taken!

Teen Titans #14 Rating: No change. Mostly I was just bored while reading this. I’m pretty sure that comes through in my bland and rushed commentary. I just kept reading more and more without commenting hoping that something would spark my interest. The only thing that did was when Solstice was transformed into a human girl for a few seconds by Kurt Lance! And DC even managed to ruin that moment!

Was having her naked too risque for this comic book’s Teen Rating? It was better to have the colorist fudge up a purple body stocking?

Superboy #14

Why are the all pointing their fists at him? Except Kid Flash. Stupid Kid Flash! The pointing fist plan probably would have worked if they’d all done it together!

Yes, I’m still reading Superboy. But it’s not my fault! I’m reading every book of The New 52 no matter how bad it is. It’s really YOUR fault. You all need to stop buying this dumb book so DC will cancel it and then I won’t have to read it anymore! Look, if you keep reading Superboy because you like the character Superboy, this comic will keep being written by Tom DeFalco and it will keep sucking and you will keep reading shitty Superboy stories. But if you stop reading this book, Superboy will take up residence in another comic book which might write his character better! Except you know he’ll end up in Teen Titans and Lobdell’s writing is nearly identical to DeFalco.

Okay, new plan. Everyone stop reading Superboy, Teen Titans, and Ravagers! Those books will be cancelled and maybe a new group with members from those groups will be formed. Maybe The Outsiders can make Wave 5. And maybe it’ll be written by me! I’m just waiting for a call back from DC. Do I have to make the first call to get a call back? I hope not!

Let’s play a game! Who wants to bet that the first page of Superboy #14 is a splash with no action and just a close up of Superboy? Any takers? No? How about if I also say the first page’s first narration box will say, “My name is Superboy.” Yeah, you’d be pretty stupid to bet against me.

“I am Superboy” Narration Box? Check. Full page splash? Check. No action? Check. Close up of Superboy? No check! Three out four isn’t bad but I lost the bet! I hope nobody took me up on it!

I gave myself credit for this picture having no action because Superboy and Jocelyn power walking in the desert does not count as action. Not only are they power walking angrily, they’re reacting to events that won’t happen for months. That editor’s note is no help. Why doesn’t it just say, “They’re talking about shit that you won’t be able to read about for months. Don’t worry! You’ll understand this scene later after you’ve completely forgotten about it!” Besides, I thought Legion Lost was over in December at Issue #15! How dare it hang around an extra month to finish whatever horrible story begins in #14 this month.

On the next page, they continue to talk about it even thought Superboy said they didn’t have to. So if you’re totally invested in being surprised by the events in Legion Lost #14-16, don’t look at this next panel I’m going to scan! I’m fucking warning you! Don’t do it!

So Superboy’s DNA is from the 31st Century! And he was created by Time Traveling Vampire Tim Drake otherwise known as Harvest!

I guess this is the big revelation to take place in the next Legion Lost story arc. Way to spoil the fuck out of your own cancelled book, Tom DeFalco! Now nobody needs to read it! Harvest sends Superboy out to kill The Ravagers and he finds out that Harvest created him and then he gets all emo and pouts a lot and wonders who he really is. I hope we at least find out what DNA was used to create him.

The fallout of the Legion Lost story that has yet to take place is that Superboy and Jocelyn will not be working together anymore. So they worked together for a sum total of about three pages. That went well! To be fair, that doesn’t count the pages from Legion Lost that haven’t happened yet where they presumably worked together. But do I even need to read those now?

Superboy ditches Jocelyn and heads back to his apartment in New York to discover Bunker making himself at home there.

Why’d you have to mention “closets” when talking about Bunker? Also, I understand what Superboy is trying to say but he’s actually saying “If you could break down the food, it’s unlikely you’d break down the food.” Idiot.

Bunker wants to know why Superboy is so angry so Superboy spills the beans. If you don’t want even more of Legion Lost #14-16 spoiled, don’t look at the next panel I’m scanning. This one is even worse because it also spoils Ravagers #4-7 as well!

Well, there you go. Don’t bother picking up Ravagers #4-7 or Legion Lost #14-16. Save some money and just get Superboy #14! That’s seven shitty comics for the price of one super shitty comic!

After they talk, Bunker decides to take Superboy out on a date. Hey! I think I’ve read this story before! In Superboy #13! And Superboy #12! And Superboy #11! If the “Superboy goes on a date” plot continues like it did in the last three issues, then Superboy and Bunker are about to be attacked while on their date! Probably by Biscarro!

He’s saying “Whoa” in Kryptonian. I translated that myself using the Kryptonian Key on the cover!

Does DC care that Tom DeFalco is just recycling the same story over and over? Is he trying to see how many issues of Superboy he can go before somebody notices! I mean somebody that can do something about it since I noticed immediately!

For some reason, Bunker can’t see or hear Biscarro. I wish I couldn’t hear him either since he doesn’t speak like the real Bizarro! He speaks like Brother Blood. And Superboy. And Rose Wilson. And every single character DeFalco and Lobdell and Mackie have written. Do they know how to make distinct characters? Or do they just figure the costume is enough to differentiate everyone in comics? And it literally has to be the costume since every person R.B. Silva draws looks exactly the same no matter what race, gender, or planet of origin.

Superboy can’t defend himself against whatever power this bizarre Kryptonian is using against him. I know he has the backwards “S” on his chest, but I can’t keep calling him Bizarro. But I guess I can keep calling him Biscarro! So far, he’s really uninteresting!

Bunker summons the rest of the Teen Titans by building a giant letter “T” in the sky with his psionic bricks. Since it’s the middle of the night, he’s lucky Wonder Girl and Kid Flash are up to see the signal.

Who lets their kids run around in Flash costumes in the middle of the night? I think DeFalco forgot to tell R.B. Silva it was midnight while he was doing the earlier panels.

Whatever power Biscarro has, he’s using it to take Superboy apart atom by atom when the Teen Titans arrive to rescue him. For some reason, Biscarro can now be seen by other people. Probably because Tom DeFalco is a fucking lazy writer. And guess what happens when The Teen Titans attack? They all get their faces mopped with the floor by Biscarro! That’s the way Bizarro would do it, right?

Their pitiful attack does allow Superboy to begin to fight back. But not for long because Biscarro decides to use the old “CRASP!” maneuver!

Oh! Oh! He was beginning to sound like Bizarro in that speech bubble! Or, at the very least, Solomon Grundy!

Once again, the bad guy decides not to kill the good guy because the time isn’t right. The Teen Titans finally get it together enough to try another attack on Biscarro. But instead of killing them all with a wink of his eye like he claims he can, Biscarro decides that the time isn’t right. Again. So he teleports away with Superboy to leave the last of the Teen Titans trying to figure out which fucking crossover they should be a part of next.

Yep. He’s from Krypton, all right. And he apparently has a vagina!*

*To understand what I meant by that statement, you need to be reading my Supergirl commentaries as well. Slacker.

Superboy #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic had the same basic plot outline as the last three issues of Superboy. The antagonist of this comic had the exact same attitude as every other antagonist in Teen Titans, Legion Lost, The Ravagers, and Superboy. And the art was embarrassingly bad. Usually my only problem with R.B. Silva’s art is that the women look like the men with wigs. But this issue it felt like he was trying to copy Rocafort’s style and it was awful.

Another drop in the ranks for Superboy and nobody is surprised. Is anybody out there enjoying this comic book? Don’t worry. I won’t make fun of you if you are. I’d just like to know what there is to like about this book that I’m missing. Perhaps it’s not what I’m missing! Perhaps it’s something I have! A fucking brain!

Teen Titans #13

Why is Tim Drake consoling Superboy?

Last normal issue, Wonder Girl had lost her wonder. Some guy whose name I can’t remember who also had armor like Cassie’s took her armor. She was left a beaten mess with Red Robin and Superboy while the bad guy ran off to destroy the world. The other members of the Teen Titans were holed up in a motel off the New Jersey turnpike for some reason. And because that’s the way Scott Lobdell ended the last issue, he begins this issue telling a completely different story. But at least he’s kept his standard first page splash with Narration Boxes.

The only major difference is that this one doesn’t begin with “My name is Cassie Sandsmark.”

I’m just guessing that this is Cassie. I suppose this is her story about how she met that mean jerk that just stole her armor although Tim Drake probably already knows the whole thing, being such an amazing detective.

The story begins making sure that any rational reader can’t stand Cassie by the end of the first three pages. She’s a spoiled brat following her mother around the world as her mother makes archaeological discoveries, unearthing cultural treasures for all the world to share in museums and exhibits. And Cassie goes around stealing the same shit because she “likes it.” And when she’s almost caught by a security guard just doing his job, Diesel (that’s his stupid fucking name!) cracks the guy over the head, knocking him out and possibly giving him severe brain trauma. Cassie describes this as things “working themselves out.” Sure, she’s saying that to basically hide the truth of the situation from Tim and Conner because she realizes this story makes her look like a douchebag.

Now I’m not saying I can’t get behind a character that robs and flaunts the laws. Fuck the man! Fuck the laws! And I love Catwoman. But this portrayal of Cassie is just vomit inducing. At least she’s smart enough to know that this story where she meets Diesel portrays her in a horrible manner, so she tells the story in vague, innocuous terms. So maybe I should like Cassie. Perhaps she’s changed if she’s ashamed enough about her past self that she can’t tell the story explicitly to her new friends.

So, yeah, anyway, the little shitbird meets Diesel.

Actually, it’s “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Fuck me, why is that knowledge taking up space in my brain?

Another reason to dislike Cassie: she thinks a too-tight shirt and khaki pants is an “interesting look.” Cassie and Diesel end up having a passionate love affair that crosses international borders and stretches the limits of my interest imagination! This story is being told in the back of a Fed-ex plane since they needed to hitch a ride to wherever they are going.

Tim Drake gets the story back on track and away from all the illicit meetings and fanciful sex positions (not to mention the just under the surface of Cassie’s story robberies she and Diesel were committing). He wants to know about her armor, so she tells that story. Sounds like Diesel was getting bored of Cassie always off helping her mother on the digs. So Cassie did some digging of her own to hurry things along. Or something. I’m not exactly clear on why Cassie going off to dig on her own away from Diesel was supposed to help her see more of Diesel. Even if Cassie did find something extraordinary while digging where her mom didn’t want to dig yet, she wasn’t going to stop her mom from completing all the other goals on the dig. Why the fuck am I even trying to make sense of these kinds of minutia? It’s not important and I really don’t care! Cassie went off digging on her own! End of story!

I mean, not literally the end of the story. Just the end of me being a nitpicky asshole.

Oh! Well, it turns out she wasn’t digging alone and I was speculating on nonsense that would be answered later. As usual! Turns out Diesel had infiltrated the dig because he didn’t want to wait for Cassie’s mother’s methodical work to find the really cool ancient treasures of Angkor Wat! So he was already in the hole when Cassie followed that night. And eventually found him.

“OMG! He put on some armor that’s attacking him! Let me put on some armor nearby to help pull it off!”

So yeah. That’s what Cassie does. She puts on some gauntlets and they fill her up and take her over. She then manages to take Diesel’s armor inside herself as well. But she struggles to maintain control. It’s as if she’s being possessed. She said the armor wasn’t alive earlier but her struggle with it and taunting it out of Diesel and into her seems to show differently. After she manages to subdue the will of the armor, the tunnel collapses. Diesel is buried and she climbs out on her own. And that, she thought, was the end of Diesel. But I guess he retained some of the armor’s power since he survived and he returned to steal Cassie’s while wearing his own.

The Titans eventually arrive at the site and Red Robin discovers something disturbing about the language used at the site.

Yay! Raven will be on the team soon!

Meanwhile in New Jersey, Bunker, Solstice, and Kid Flash never make an appearance in the comic book. But Amanda Waller and Kurt Lance do!

What the fuck?! So Amanda Waller is going to have time to run every fucking team in the New 52? Did DC do some kind of reader survey and determine that what The New 52 needs is more Amanda Waller? She’s beginning to appear in more books than Batman!

So Kurt Lance now has super powers? And he’s kept in a super secret sub-level in Belle Reve? And Amanda has a crush on him? And what kind of stupid question is that, Kurt? Why would Amanda train them to be a new Team 7? Obviously they’d be Team 8! Stupid!

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This issue of Teen Titans was one of the better issues in the entire series. But I just got bored with it halfway through. Cassie’s origin is fairly standard. It felt like it simply needed to be told so that the Teen Titans can move past her weird armor hurting her bullshit. But there was no spark to the story! No intrigue or surprise. Just Cassie finding the armor at an archaeological dig while embellishing the story with a lot of language that maybe she thought made it sound more mysterious and intriguing except it simply came off as flowery bullshit. “Silent armor … because without any warning, it just eats away at your soul, like it was at Diesel’s…bite by bite—” And “I felt [the silent armor] calling to me—” to which Superboy responds that it’s not so silent. Cassie continues, “No, that’s the thing, I realized how easy it would be to use it—abuse it—keeping power like that in check…you need the inner strength to control it, to keep it silent inside of you.” Blah.

Oh! But I should mention this as well! When she put on the gauntlets, she was fine. She looked like Wonder Girl. It’s just the armor she stole from Diesel that really fucked her up. So once they destroy Diesel’s armor and return her normal shit, everything should be good. Then she can return to this:

and stop cutting herself and crying on the bathroom floor.

Teen Titans #0

The comic begins with Batman telling Tim Drake’s origin story. It sounds like Batman has just pulled up a seat at the bar and decided to blab all of his and Tim Drake’s secrets to the bartender. Or the drunk guy sitting next to him. Who would Batman actually be telling this story to? Maybe he’s trading stories with The Joker. Joker just told him how he was the brains behind the creation of Jason Todd’s Robin persona and Batman decided to tell Joker how Tim Drake came along.

Apparently Dick has already left the nest cave and Jason has already bitten the farm. Bought the bullet? And even though Alfred completely thought the last two Robins were a bad idea (and Jason’s death kind of, maybe, proved that?), he’s now decided to shop around for a new one for Master Bruce. I guess this is similar to buying a kid a new puppy after you backed over the previous one in the driveway.

He’s come even closer than Dick Grayson who figured out your secret identity the first time he ever met you? Don’t worry, Batman. That speech bubble can be edited in the Trade.

So Tim Drake spends every waking moment trying to figure out who Batman is? I guess while he’s training to be an athlete and doing gymnastics and his constant studying, he’s thinking about who Batman could be. All this statement tells me is that Tim Drake isn’t very smart. If he’s doing that much research and he can’t figure out Bruce Wayne is Batman, then he’s just a stupid chump. Especially since Dick didn’t do any research and didn’t put any thought behind it at all and he figured it out after meeting both Bruce Wayne and Batman just one time each. Tim, you suck at sleuthing.

Batman admits to having shitty detective skills. Oh, wait. I think this was meant as a compliment to Tim! Nevermind.

Batman sure is laying it on thick. No wonder Damian hates Tim Drake. Batman has a gigantic hard on for this kid. In a totally platonic way, of course!

Immediately after saying how close Tim has come to discovering his identity and how he spends every minute researching Batman’s identity and then compares Tim’s detective skills to his own, he continues the story which contradicts all of that.

I’m also digging Batman’s change of tense. He’s no longer telling the story; he’s now narrating the action live!

Batman meets Tim at this location allowing Tim to believe he figured out Batman’s identity. But then Batman points out that he planted all of the information for Tim to find so that Tim would come to this conclusion. Batman also apparently knew that Tim wanted this information so that Tim could meet with Batman. Which is how this whole meeting thing happens. This is pure Lobdell yet again. Long term plans that count on many random factors out of the plotter’s control and yet they’re successful every time. Tim wants to be the next Robin but he mentions Jason Todd and drives Batman away. Batman doesn’t want a kid with a happy family life anyway.

Actually, he does get to decide for you when it comes to being his sidekick, you arrogant prick! Go be Red Robin and leave Batman out of your poorly written stories!

Tim continues to try to find ways to become Robin. He continues to look into Batman’s identity. And Batman continues to tell the story in odd ways. At one point Batman says, “I know now that I was not going to stop him.” Yeah, that’s obvious, isn’t it? He follows this with “But it didn’t stop me from trying.” Wait. What didn’t stop you from trying, Batman? The knowledge that you learned later after he became Red Robin that you obviously weren’t going to stop him? Is that what didn’t stop you from trying? At least Scott Lobdell can make his deadlines.

Later, Tim transfers one hundred million dollars out of Oswald Cobblepot’s bank account. Alfred learns this and lets Batman know although Alfred doesn’t tell Batman where the money was transferred. Just “to the poor,” I guess.

While at home, Tim’s house comes under gunfire by The Penguin’s thugs. Batman swoops in to save the day. Nobody ends up dying that night.

No, you almost died because you stole from The Penguin.

Tim’s parents are placed in the Witness Protection Program so that The Penguin won’t continually be going after them. But they had a meeting with Batman and told Batman to take their son because he deserved more than “a life of anonymity in the middle of nowhere under an assumed name.” No, they felt he’d be better off with a life of anonymity in the middle of Gotham under an assumed name. And Batman agrees for some unholy reason.

So Tim Drake joins the team and decides to wear his own costume out of respect for Jason Todd. So he becomes Red Robin! And Batman already seems to know some of the people Tim will meet later in his life because he’s looking at files on his computer of Skitters painted on ancient cave walls and Bunker and some guards from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. But then Batman did say earlier that he knows everything weeks before anyone else knows it. Maybe he gets information from the future from his Brother Eye satellite. Perhaps it hacked into Skeets?

The Teen Titans #0 Rating: I’ll let Scott Lobdell give the rating for this comic: