Superman #19

I’ve actually been pretty happy and upbeat all morning and then I picked up Superman to read out in the sun in the backyard, and suddenly all of my energy was sucked out of my body and I began to fall into a deep depression. I’m out of breath. I’m angry. I want to quit reading Scott Lobdell comic books altogether. I sat here for ten minutes watching and listening to the birds and trying to relax. And finally I opened this comic book to the first page and my day was utterly and completely ruined.

So there is a race of beings living on our sun. And they speak English. And the one word that might mean something different is “super”. And they want to conquer Earth why? If they live on the sun, the Earth wouldn’t exactly be the ideal environment for them. How about Mercury? Probably more in line with their usual living conditions. And how do they live on the sun, exactly? Do they have a floating city made out of Inertron? How do they keep their clothes from exploding into flames? Are they super evolved ancient Romans that built a road to the sun because the Romans were so good at building roads? It makes sense since they also conquered Europa as seen in Voodoo.

I believe that last paragraph of speculation was, by itself, more speculation about the Sunturians than even Scott Lobdell did. He probably came up with the name and then wrote this opening scene and then stole Superman’s reaction from Red Robin and Wonder Girl over in Teen Titans because not use the same shit over and over again when DC is paying you to write more than one book? Grab up all the easy money, my friend!

Read More

Justice League #19

The League finally had their big recruitment drive last issue. They didn’t so much as pick the best of the bunch as took whoever agreed to join. Most of the experienced heroes have their own lives and comic book titles and issues with Batman and so decided to pass on the offer. But Firestorm’s comic book isn’t long for the shelves, so he joined. I don’t know why Batman and the rest want two high school kids on the roster. Every time the main group heads into deep space for some cosmic battle, the satellite is going to be used for a house party. They also accepted Element Woman who has a Preboot history of depression and suicide according to The Sandman. So that should be fun! And the Reboot version of The Atom joined because every team needs a teeny, tiny person that’s useful in less situations than a guy that speaks with fish.

Like you’d expect, this issue begins in the Batcave with Red Hood hanging out with Alfred Pennyworth.

Read More

Wonder Woman #19

After a conversation I had on Facebook this morning, I feel the need to go write some really horrible fanfic where I ship Willy Wonka with Mary Poppins. They’re my two most favoritest people in the world and even though I also love Bert, he’d have to go. He’d be found dead in the park in a hard, candy shell with lots of tiny footprints surrounding his corpse in the mud. Scotland Yard would send out their crime scene specialists who would discover all sorts of strange, alien DNA at the scene. I’m pretty sure that’s as far as the investigation would go because Willy Wonka is a rich bastard and Bert is just a lower class chimney sweep, so Scotland Yard would bury the case and forget about it. Meanwhile Mary Poppins and Willy Wonka would be fucked up on Spoonfuls of Sugar and fucking like maniacs in a chocolate river.

Over to the less interesting than my fan fiction Wonder Woman (Willy Wonka? W. W. No wonder I couldn’t resist talking about it!), even though Apollo is now Ruler of Olympus, he’s still keeping his day job. Get it? That’s a good one, right? But he isn’t too busy to hang about with Artemis and Dionysus getting drunk and gossiping about War having lost his mind. Dionysus confirms that Zola’s baby is the baby in the prophecy that will kill a God for a Throne. I’m not sure exactly how that was all confirmed. I think Dio is speculating or trusting in hearsay. Because I still think The First Born is the child of Zeus’s that will kill Apollo and take the Throne which is why Zeus abdicated and became his own child to avoid being killed by the earlier prophecy about The First Born taking Olympus. These things always end up very convoluted.

Meanwhile in London, everybody wants to name Zola’s baby.

Read More

Justice League #18

The Throne of Atlantis story is over so now it’s time to get back to less boring stories about fish and the ocean and more fish. I’ll get enough of that in the next comic book I’m going to read. If you’re really stupid, let me tell you what that comic will be: Batman Aquaman! I sometimes expect too much out of people but not anymore! From now on, I’m going to treat everyone as if they’re really dumb so that I don’t make them feel dumb. And that shouldn’t bother the smart people reading my commentaries because they probably won’t even notice a difference.

Smart Reader: “Ugh. Another review by that moron Tess Ate Chai Tea. I have to slog through all of his personal anecdotes and unintelligible jokes so that I can find out what’s happening in the comic books I’m too cheap and/or poor and/or smart to buy on my own!”
Dumb Reader: “You’re right! His jokes are unintellichable! Way over my head! Der!”
Tess Ate Chai Tea: “The phrase “Duty. Honor. Country.” always makes me giggle because all I hear is “Doody on her cunt” and then I crack up.”

Read More

Wonder Woman #18

Get your Amazonian Wonder Bracelets ready, kids! It’s time for The Bullet Point Review! That’s where I get to relax and read Wonder Woman and just list the essential plot points for my future self next month! See? I told you to get your bracelets ready so you could deflect the bullet points I’m going to throw at you!

There may also be pictures.

• Wonder Woman and War travel to Demeter’s Realm hoping to find Zola’s stupid baby that’s causing all of this trouble. Why doesn’t she just get a kitten?
• Hermes ambushed them while saying, “Go, I say, go away War. Ya bother me.”

Read More

Doctor Psycho! (as seen in Superboy #18)

Part 18 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Unrevealed
Occupation: Psionic Researcher
Marital Status: Widower
Known Relatives: Marva (wife, deceased)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Washington, D.C.
First Appearance: (Golden Age version) WONDER WOMAN #5 (modern version) WONDER WOMAN #289 [(Reboot version) SUPERBOY #18]
Height: 3’9” (as Captain Wonder: 6’1” [Oh really? He can turn into a big ass super hunk?])
Weight: 84 lbs. (as Captain Wonder: 187 lbs.)
Eyes: Blue (as Captain Wonder: Blue)
Hair: Black (as Captain Wonder: Blond)

HISTORY
“As a schoolboy, Doctor Psycho was laughed at by his classmates [Probably due to his name.] because of his diminutive stature and unusually large head [I’m sure the name didn’t help.]. Psycho especially took offense to being laughed at by girls [Well sure! Because you can’t punch them in the nose when they mock you! At least guys laughing know they’re risking a bloodied lip! Damn girls and their free-wheeling attitude toward insulting short losers with horrible names.]. Throughout his subsequent life, Psycho felt both desire for beautiful women and a psychotic hatred of all women [Wait. That’s not the norm? Hmm. I wonder how cheaply I can get a psychiatrist?].

Psycho went to medical school and began research into psionics [Where did he go to medical school? Mars?]. He fell in love with a young woman named Marva [The Martian!], who regarded him merely as a friend [What did you expect? You don’t bring home a potential husband with the name of Psycho!]. Psycho decided to hypnotize Marva into loving him [Seems like a reasonable plan. Look, you don’t become friends with a guy named Psycho studying to get his psionics degree and not expect to hypnotized once or twice! I’m pretty sure this was the Golden Age version where victims were constantly asking for it and no seldom meant no and occasionally meant hypnotize me so that I’ll sleep in a twin bed about two feet away from your twin bed.]. He then discovered that he could use Marva as a medium through which he could draw ectoplasm [Okay. This got really weird really quickly.], the substance found in the spirit world, and materialize it on Earth in whatever form he willed [I’m more disturbed for Marva that Psycho was using her as an ectoplasm pump than I was when he was raping her with his hypnotism. I should probably really get on that search for a therapist.]. Psycho used the ectoplasm to materialize a handsome body around himself, and married Marva [Is that a better deception than hypnosis? Or is this still wrong?]. However, he could not maintain [an erection?] his handsome form when Marva was either absent or free from his hypnotic influence, and for that reason, Psycho came to resent her [Yeah. What a bitch! How dare she break free from his controlling influence and live her life on her own terms when it means he can’t be handsome!]. Marva was finally hit by a car and died [I like how the finally statement says it all: she was finally allowed some peace from this little monster. That “finally” is like a sigh of relief], and it has been implied that Psycho was responsible.

Doctor Psycho eventually discovered that he could use Colonel Steve Trevor as a medium [So he’s actually Doctor Bipsychosexual?]. Having captured Trevor, Psycho used a machine called an ectoplasmotron to draw ectoplasm from Trevor’s mind in the form of Trevor’s idealized, super-powered fantasy image of himself [Aha! Doctor Psycho was able to use Trevor as a medium because of Trevor’s loser status in Wonder Woman’s eyes!]. Inhabiting this ectoplasmic form, Doctor Psycho battled Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman II) under the name of Captain Wonder. As Captain Wonder, Psycho fell in love with the Silver Swan, an ugly young woman whom he vindictive god Mars had transformed into a super-powered beauty (see Mars, Silver Swan). Both Captain Wonder and the Silver Swan eventually reverted to their original forms.

Recently, Doctor Psycho obtained a machine called an ectoplasmic extractor from the Monitor (see Monitor), which allows him to draw ectoplasm into this world without the need of a human medium [Thanks a lot, Monitor! I guess less people will be psionically raped by this guy. But who needs a world full of ectoplasmic goo?].

The original Doctor Psycho fought the Golden Age Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman I) in the 1940s. He too bore an insane hatred for women [Come on! Do you have to categorize “hatred for women” as “insane”? So biased.] and used a medium named Marva to draw ectoplasm into this world.”

POWERS & WEAPONS
“Doctor Psycho’s only super-power is his psionic ability to shape ectoplasm according to his wishes [I can see why this was changed in the Reboot since ectoplasm isn’t the super fascinating believable thing it was back when Doctor Psycho first appeared.]. Originally he could only do so while in hypnotic control of a human medium whom he used to draw the ectoplasm to Earth. However, he now uses an ectoplasmic extractor device to give him the ectoplasm he needs. He can maintain the form he gives the ectoplasm for as long as he remains conscious.

Psycho often has used ectoplasm to give himself the form of Captain Wonder, who possesses super-strength greater than Wonder Woman’s and the ability to fly [How? Why? Come on! I need some scientifically accurate ectoplasm!]”

Superman #17

The only problem with H’el on Earth ending is that Scott Lobdell will be starting a new story directly after it!

I hope this Oracle character is super interesting and makes the whole thing worth it. I can’t wait to hear what sage wisdom and sugary advice it gives our heroes! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Scott Lobdell begins with an omniscient narrator instead of having a character narrate like he usually does. Perhaps Oracle himself is narrating! Or herself. Or itself. I don’t think it had any distinguishing primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The narration is about Superman since he was just flung into space by H’el and was caught by Oracle. But what is Oracle, Narrator?

The Oracle speaks to Superman in the most confusing way possible: by showing him images of the past and the maybe past and the shouldn’t be past. I think it shows Superman in Kryptonian Garb arguing with Normal Looking H’el and maybe Superman in Kryptonian Garb sucking face with his mother. Except I’m probably wrong about all of that because I’m just as confused as Superman!

Read More

Justice League #17

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko’s beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg’s Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn’t care what happens to the humans; they’re just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they’d be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that’s Mera’s theory and I’d believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

Read More